In Need of a Muse

[Shadowsandflames]

***I was writing a poem a while back that just dried up on me, but I hate to just discard it as I rather liked it. I would love any suggestions as to where you think it might be going, because I have no clue. Without further ado, here is my short, untitled, unfinished poem that I am trying to resurect.



The grass glows with eldritch light under the Peddler’s Moon
While the wind whispers its secrets through the nearby spruce and firs
Thunder growls in the distance, but here the first of tonight’s storms has passed
And the second as of yet has caused no rumble or roar

She moves through the tall grass with the grace that is her birthright
Droplets of water reflect the moon and glitter like diamonds in her hair
To see her, if only for a moment, is to fall instantly in love
To see her longer would surely mean madness to any mere mortal man

Her skin is perfection itself, utterly unblemished, unmarked, and unmarred
The flex of every muscle, from calf to thigh and pumping arms, is poetry
She is both the hunter and the hunted, and she moves with the elegance of this knowledge
She is of perfect grace, born of nature and nurtured by none

In her eyes burns an inferno, perhaps Dante’s itself
Some would see madness here, others the purest of passions
In truth it is neither, or both, everything or nothing, beyond rationalization
She is simply goddess, yet there is nothing simple in that

One night, that is all the time granted for this undertaking
Shadows still rule here, but she is aware of the sun, the burning rush of day
Dawn is bearing down on her, gaining ground each passing moment
And though this body bequeathed her is already taxed near its limits, she runs yet faster

She leaves the meadow and passes into the grand halls of the forest
This is the true dominion of the night, with no moon, no more winking thief or grinning demon
Here she risks all, risks losing her way and wandering into oblivion
But never does she hesitate, never does she pause or pray




***So, any ideas? I know she is about to face some sort of opposition, but as to who or what, or what it is that she is trying to accomplish in the first place, I have no clue. Maybe its hopeless, or maybe its not worth finishing, but I just hate to give up on it.

 

[Guest]

OK, for what it's worth:

She's passing through the forest en route to the Hall of the Mountain King. Decades ago, a silver diadem--an object of great power--was stolen from her people by one of his underlings. Now, her lover is stricken with a wasting sickness both of soul and body. The diadem is the only thing that can save his life, and she is willing to do whatever it takes to recover the object and speed back to his side.

She faces formidable obstacles (sentries, spell traps, monsters) even to enter the Hall. Persevering over all difficulties, she stands before the King (good luck with the description) and demands the return of her people's property.

The King acknowledges the validity of her claim but requires her to complete three tasks to earn the diadem's return.

I hope you like writing them long. Good luck.

 

[wolfknight20]

Or perhaps she hunts for a love she can not find
or you could go back to her being the hunted and the hunter
or even a little of both

 

[Yoron]

how about allowing her to become human.
find love.

Then watch time take it all
until she once more are divinely alone
Insane in a dead universe.
as thats seems to be her original path

 

[twelveoone]

***I was writing a poem a while back that just dried up on me, but I hate to just discard it as I rather liked it. I would love any suggestions as to where you think it might be going, because I have no clue. Without further ado, here is my short, untitled, unfinished poem that I am trying to resurect.



The grass glows with eldritch light under the Peddler’s Moon
While the wind whispers its secrets through the nearby spruce and firs
Thunder growls in the distance, but here the first of tonight’s storms has passed
And the second as of yet has caused no rumble or roar

She moves through the tall grass with the grace that is her birthright
Droplets of water reflect the moon and glitter like diamonds in her hair
To see her, if only for a moment, is to fall instantly in love
To see her longer would surely mean madness to any mere mortal man

Her skin is perfection itself, utterly unblemished, unmarked, and unmarred
The flex of every muscle, from calf to thigh and pumping arms, is poetry
She is both the hunter and the hunted, and she moves with the elegance of this knowledge
She is of perfect grace, born of nature and nurtured by none

In her eyes burns an inferno, perhaps Dante’s itself
Some would see madness here, others the purest of passions
In truth it is neither, or both, everything or nothing, beyond rationalization
She is simply goddess, yet there is nothing simple in that

One night, that is all the time granted for this undertaking
Shadows still rule here, but she is aware of the sun, the burning rush of day
Dawn is bearing down on her, gaining ground each passing moment
And though this body bequeathed her is already taxed near its limits, she runs yet faster

She leaves the meadow and passes into the grand halls of the forest
This is the true dominion of the night, with no moon, no more winking thief or grinning demon
Here she risks all, risks losing her way and wandering into oblivion
But never does she hesitate, never does she pause or pray




***So, any ideas? I know she is about to face some sort of opposition, but as to who or what, or what it is that she is trying to accomplish in the first place, I have no clue. Maybe its hopeless, or maybe its not worth finishing, but I just hate to give up on it.

DON'T give up on it
some of the aliteration, and repitition of sound is fantastic. You do have some lines that do nothing, decide what is junk and take it out.

To see her, if only for a moment, is to fall instantly in love
In truth it is neither, or both, everything or nothing, beyond rationalization
She is simply goddess, yet there is nothing simple in that

Rebuild it. Get rid of all the unnecessary cliches, if you must use them use them for the sound. A stronger middle will suggest an end.

I also like the line length, but I'm unsure what you trying to do.