In love? or not? what to expect?

[trueandyou]

I've been in a relationship, first time D/s, for a year. What first started online and when we first met in person with great intensity quickly diminished. Where once he wanted me to email him and send him cards, etc. daily now he doesn't even take the time to open the few I send (maybe 2 or 3 a month). However, we work together constantly. I have been a tremendous resource to him on a legal case, to the point that he has instructed his corporate attorney to speak to me directly. We are working on other projects together as well. Several months ago, he re-posted a personal ad; when I confronted him he said that we weren't "exclusive" (although in the beginning he made a point of saying he had stopped chatting with all others and wanted to know if I had). I thought it over and told him we should just be friends then. He said we should "start over", and of course I agreed.

I have been his friend, lover, business partner, and confidant for a year now. I've tried to let him know I want more intimacy like we had in the beginning and he responds with things like "that was the courtship phase". I don't have a lot of experience in relationships having been married for over 20 years (still struggling to get out) and he attributes my needs to that. He keeps me hanging on by periodically inserting this intimacy into our relationship just when I want to walk away.

I don't know what to think. He says I mean "more to him" than I know. Am I being too demanding to want this from him? I am a sensual 40 year old woman, pretty and professional. He is a bit older than me, and I do think it bothers him a bit that I look so much younger (than even my age).

I feel a bit foolish writing this but I need help.

 

[Quint]

.............

 

[Chicklet]

I'm sorry to say it, but he doesn't sound like he's interested in pursuing a relationship with you.

I suggest calling it off, taking time to heal, and eventually moving on.

There's no use staying around when someone isn't giving you the intimacy you need, and for the most part I don't believe that the 'courtship phase' pops back up randomly after a year.

 

[nowgirl]

I have been his friend, lover, business partner, and confidant for a year now. I've tried to let him know I want more intimacy like we had in the beginning and he responds with things like "that was the courtship phase". I don't have a lot of experience in relationships having been married for over 20 years (still struggling to get out) and he attributes my needs to that. He keeps me hanging on by periodically inserting this intimacy into our relationship just when I want to walk away.

You already know the answer.

Walk away. Better yet, run away.

You have been his friend, lover, business partner and confidant. What has he been for you?? An on-line Dom whose interest left once you met, someone who now doesn't answer your emails or cards, someone who seems to be using you in a business situation, someone who is manipulating your feelings.

You are still married but trying to get out? You need a little YOU time...

If this was your first D/s experience, don't confuse those intense feelings of lust with love. I've been there before.... run happily away from this situation and know that you deserve better.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You have a lot of issues on your plate right now. If your marriage is over then you really should do the decent thing and leave. If you have kids they will forgive you and adjust, with time. If you want more spark in an otherwise loving marriage and have given up on finding it maybe it would be better to try developing intimacy with your husband again?

As others have said, this man clearly has no intention of offering you any committment and is actively looking for someone else. It is time you sat this guy down and ask him what he really wants. He may be scared of the repercussions if he does end things with you, of losing you as a colleague. If you explain that you can work with him purely as a professional (assuming that this is true, of course) then he may be reassured enough to give you closure.

Whatever happens, don't pin your hopes on this man. Find a way to either work on or end your marriage. You don't say why you haven't left your husband. If neither of these men can offer you what you need and deserve then you owe it to yourself to get out of both relationships, get some time to heal and consider what you are really prepared to settle for.

There are plenty of other D/s partners out there. They take some finding at times but do not allow yourself to believe that this colleague of yours is your only hope of getting the type of relationship you want.

I do wish you the best of luck

 

[DeservingBitch]

I've been in a relationship, first time D/s, for a year. What first started online and when we first met in person with great intensity quickly diminished. Where once he wanted me to email him and send him cards, etc. daily now he doesn't even take the time to open the few I send (maybe 2 or 3 a month). However, we work together constantly. I have been a tremendous resource to him on a legal case, to the point that he has instructed his corporate attorney to speak to me directly. We are working on other projects together as well. Several months ago, he re-posted a personal ad; when I confronted him he said that we weren't "exclusive" (although in the beginning he made a point of saying he had stopped chatting with all others and wanted to know if I had). I thought it over and told him we should just be friends then. He said we should "start over", and of course I agreed.

I have been his friend, lover, business partner, and confidant for a year now. I've tried to let him know I want more intimacy like we had in the beginning and he responds with things like "that was the courtship phase". I don't have a lot of experience in relationships having been married for over 20 years (still struggling to get out) and he attributes my needs to that. He keeps me hanging on by periodically inserting this intimacy into our relationship just when I want to walk away.

I don't know what to think. He says I mean "more to him" than I know. Am I being too demanding to want this from him? I am a sensual 40 year old woman, pretty and professional. He is a bit older than me, and I do think it bothers him a bit that I look so much younger (than even my age).

I feel a bit foolish writing this but I need help.

To me, this is a big redflag. Basically, he is dismissing your needs and feelings as irrelevant and/or illegitimate. Which is not cool.

I'm not saying that he has an obligation to meet (all, most of) your needs if he doesn't want to or is not able to. But suggesting that you are wrong for feeling the way you do and for needing the things you need is a dishonest and immature way of dealing with the situation. Basically, he is refusing to take responsibilities for your relationship.

You are the best one to know what to do in this situation. But I think that you need to remind yourself that you are entitled to your feelings and needs. He's under no obligation to meet them -- but a loving partner should at least work with you to address those feelings and needs, rather than dismissing them.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Basically you need to get a hold of a copy of 'He's Just Not That Into You' and begin to recognise when you are being strung along for someone else'e reasons. But first you need to deal with your marriage problems..if you don't want to be there leave, you are not doing anyone a favour by staying just as this guy is not saving you any heartache by keeping you hanging on instead of being honest and telling you he has moved on to others. No doubt he doesn't tell you because he is under the false illusion he is that damn good it will devastate you to learn the truth....phhhtt, he needs to get over himself.

Catalina

 

[trueandyou]

sorting it out

thanks to everyone for their input

to clarify on the marriage issue... married for a long time to someone who has repeatedly cheated on me and denied it all along; last year had some pretty damning proof and he still denied it; frankly, at this point I've no love left for him (been only halfway there for a long time anyway)....

I often think there is an element of me mistaking passion/lust for love... I wonder if me wanting that back from the man I spoke of is indicative to him of not wanting to move to the "next" level but having been in a lukewarm marriage for years has shown me that I want that passion. I need it, and I can sustain a loving relationship with it.

As for why I don't leave my husband: things are complicated financially and with children right now; I left a career for him and am only now getting back into it. When I am "on my feet" so to speak I feel like I can be ready to leave. I'm a little afraid, I guess.

I don't know how to proceed with the other one. Every time I try to ask him if he's involved with someone else and/or wants to just continue as friends and colleagues he says I am "pushing him", or "why do you always assume the worst?" and "does someone drive 1000 miles several times a year to see someone they don't care about?". For example, the last time he didn't respond to my cards (not related to work, that is) I asked him point blank if he was still attracted to me. He didn't respond to that email. When I spoke to him the next day, I asked him. He said, "what's with the 40 questions?"; I persisted and said, well, when a man fails to respond to a woman's flirting, etc. it could be many things but one of them could be that he's simply not attracted. To which he replied "well, it's times like these when I'm not. If I'm not I'll tell you."

How do I read a man like that? I'm afraid if I walk away I may just be misinterpreting him and losing someone I really have strong feelings for. At the same time....well you know.

 

[HottieMama]

How do I read a man like that? I'm afraid if I walk away I may just be misinterpreting him and losing someone I really have strong feelings for. At the same time....well you know.

i don't think you are misinterpreting anything. The failure to give a truthful answer to a pointed question is a HUGE red flag for me. It also seems like he is trying to make you feel guilty for doubting/questioning his motives/actions which would bother me. i personally feel that you have a right to be reassured that your "partner" finds you attractive, wants to be with you...etc. When you ask for that reassurance and it is NOT provided, something is very, VERY wrong, IMO.

 

[Fuckette]

How do I read a man like that? I'm afraid if I walk away I may just be misinterpreting him and losing someone I really have strong feelings for. At the same time....well you know.

Love should be free, let go of expectations.

 

[HottieMama]

Love should be free, let go of expectations.

Sorry..i'm gonna call bullshit on that. She has the right to know the truth. She has the right to know his honest feelings for her both intimate and otherwise. She has the right to seek what she needs elsewhere if he can't/won't provide it. Relationships are a two-way street, D/s or not. It sounds to me that this guy is doing a lot of taking and all he is giving her is a lot of hurt.

 

[FurryFury]

Things burn out quickly sometimes. It was great. Now it's not. Do try to remember the good in what you had.

Now, He is short changing you. You are letting him. You deserve better.

*hug*

 

[SubKekiLee]

This is my opinion and my opinion only, recently I spent 7 months with a Dom who at first couldnt get enough of me I received phone calls, emails and IM's etc... after about 5 months he knew I would moving a long distance move and he started to withdraw, I kept asking him if he was no longer attracted and he would deny it , He said I am totally into you.. Well about almost a month ago he just dissapeard no contact no email, no ims no phone calls no nothing I was devasted.. I always thought no one could compare to him after about 2 weeks of no contact I met someone who just started out as friends and made me realize what an ass this guy was , I am more happy than I can imagine... End your relationship and have some YOU time and then the right one will come along... I promise you.. The Dom who I am his pet now doesnt make empty promises, he follows thru with everything he says he is going to do. He spends time with me , quality time and although we are still brand new I belive him wholeheartly I never thought Id say it but the previous dom was is and always will be a J A C K A S S ......

You deserve better , I am sure you are beautiful, wonderful and could make any man melt.. l)

 

[BiBunny]

Love should be free, let go of expectations.

Love should be a two-way street. Let go of stupid ideas such as this. They get you kicked in the teeth and burned badly in the end.

 

[Fuckette]

Sorry..i'm gonna call bullshit on that. She has the right to know the truth. She has the right to know his honest feelings for her both intimate and otherwise. She has the right to seek what she needs elsewhere if he can't/won't provide it. Relationships are a two-way street, D/s or not. It sounds to me that this guy is doing a lot of taking and all he is giving her is a lot of hurt.

He is not giving her hurt, she is allowing herself to be hurt. They are involved in a professional manner so they have to be around each other. She is not available so she cannot expect anything from him. They have a friendship and if she loves him that should be enough.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I don't know how to proceed with the other one. Every time I try to ask him if he's involved with someone else and/or wants to just continue as friends and colleagues he says I am "pushing him", or "why do you always assume the worst?" and "does someone drive 1000 miles several times a year to see someone they don't care about?". For example, the last time he didn't respond to my cards (not related to work, that is) I asked him point blank if he was still attracted to me. He didn't respond to that email. When I spoke to him the next day, I asked him. He said, "what's with the 40 questions?"; I persisted and said, well, when a man fails to respond to a woman's flirting, etc. it could be many things but one of them could be that he's simply not attracted. To which he replied "well, it's times like these when I'm not. If I'm not I'll tell you."

This whole paragraph reads to me like he is trying to play the "I'm the Dom so YOU don't question ME!" card. This is insulting both to your intelligence and to all the dominant men out there who are capable of being honourable and honest within a relationship.

Bottom line seems to be: -

This man knows that you can't leave your husband right now, that you have feelings for him and that you want a D/s relationship. He's counting on all those factors to ensure that he doesn't need to offer you any more than he ever has done in order to keep you around as a handy play partner and to massage his ego at work.

If he hasn't made any form of committment to you in the last year, has made no effort since the 'courtship phase' and is actively seeking other partners I strongly advise you to end this affair because it's beginning to erode your self confidence at a time when you really need it.

Incidentally, if he is aware that you need to get back into your career, to provide stability for your kids and facilitate a break up with your husband he probably thinks he really has you over a barrel. If I were you I would start looking for other posts, then hand in your notice and tell him you're moving on. Then add that if he doesn't give you a fair reference regarding your performance at work and the responsibility you've taken on you'll get legal advice about a possible lawsuit. Unless he's even more arrogant than you've painted him, he'll agree.

 

[HottieMama]

This whole paragraph reads to me like he is trying to play the "I'm the Dom so YOU don't question ME!" card. This is insulting both to your intelligence and to all the dominant men out there who are capable of being honourable and honest within a relationship.

YEAH THAT!!!!!!!!!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Love should be free, let go of expectations.

What planet do you live on?

 

[Fuckette]

What planet do you live on?

Mars

 

[Mazuri]

I have been where you are (except my husband did nothing horribly wrong, we just drifted apart...thankfully, we've drifted back...but that's irrelevant).

I found someone online who would tell me what I wanted to hear, give me the things I needed, and was totally playing me for a fool. I needed someone to tell me I was attractive, interesting, lovable, and all those things I didn't feel I was getting from my marriage. I found someone who would do just that and so I thought I was in love. Things were good for several months but then the phone calls/emails/IMs started getting a bit shorter, a bit harder to arrange to our schedules. What was once daily for HOURS became a few times a week but when questioned, it was always scheduling conflicts or necessary errands or any of a number of legitimate sounding reasons that had not been an issue before. I recognized that he was emotionally manipulative but I dismissed the impact on myself out of fear of losing the ego-stroking. Out of the blue, I found out he had someone close to him that he was moving in with. While in retrospect, it was obvious he was looking and dating, at the time it was a shock.

Now, I'm grateful he did it and in that way (though he's still an ass). It gave me time to figure out what I wanted and the direction I wanted my life to go. At the time, I still planned to leave my husband, get my education, stand on my own; I didn't choose to do that, but it was nice to be able to work that out without outside influences clouding my thinking. I needed that alone time, that clarity to figure out myself.

So in all that rambling, my advice would be to step back. For once, YOU be the one who has other things going on in your life. Figure out if you're getting what you need from this relationship or if you're hanging on to it out of fear of being alone/insert other reason here. Find YOU: your wants, your needs, your goals. If he's not what you need out of an SO, then you might want to consider looking for one who is.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Mars

Then may I suggest you take down your little satellite and cease throwing vacuous platitudes at the rest of us? This here is a discussion forum.

 

[Fuckette]

I have been where you are (except my husband did nothing horribly wrong, we just drifted apart...thankfully, we've drifted back...but that's irrelevant).

I found someone online who would tell me what I wanted to hear, give me the things I needed, and was totally playing me for a fool. I needed someone to tell me I was attractive, interesting, lovable, and all those things I didn't feel I was getting from my marriage. I found someone who would do just that and so I thought I was in love. Things were good for several months but then the phone calls/emails/IMs started getting a bit shorter, a bit harder to arrange to our schedules. What was once daily for HOURS became a few times a week but when questioned, it was always scheduling conflicts or necessary errands or any of a number of legitimate sounding reasons that had not been an issue before. I recognized that he was emotionally manipulative but I dismissed the impact on myself out of fear of losing the ego-stroking. Out of the blue, I found out he had someone close to him that he was moving in with. While in retrospect, it was obvious he was looking and dating, at the time it was a shock.

Now, I'm grateful he did it and in that way (though he's still an ass). It gave me time to figure out what I wanted and the direction I wanted my life to go. At the time, I still planned to leave my husband, get my education, stand on my own; I didn't choose to do that, but it was nice to be able to work that out without outside influences clouding my thinking. I needed that alone time, that clarity to figure out myself.

So in all that rambling, my advice would be to step back. For once, YOU be the one who has other things going on in your life. Figure out if you're getting what you need from this relationship or if you're hanging on to it out of fear of being alone/insert other reason here. Find YOU: your wants, your needs, your goals. If he's not what you need out of an SO, then you might want to consider looking for one who is.

Smart lady!

 

[Fuckette]

Then may I suggest you take down your little satellite and cease throwing vacuous platitudes at the rest of us? This here is a discussion forum.

Why are you being so sweet?

 

[nh23]

thanks to everyone for their input

to clarify on the marriage issue... married for a long time to someone who has repeatedly cheated on me and denied it all along; last year had some pretty damning proof and he still denied it; frankly, at this point I've no love left for him (been only halfway there for a long time anyway)....

I often think there is an element of me mistaking passion/lust for love... I wonder if me wanting that back from the man I spoke of is indicative to him of not wanting to move to the "next" level but having been in a lukewarm marriage for years has shown me that I want that passion. I need it, and I can sustain a loving relationship with it.

As for why I don't leave my husband: things are complicated financially and with children right now; I left a career for him and am only now getting back into it. When I am "on my feet" so to speak I feel like I can be ready to leave. I'm a little afraid, I guess.

I don't know how to proceed with the other one. Every time I try to ask him if he's involved with someone else and/or wants to just continue as friends and colleagues he says I am "pushing him", or "why do you always assume the worst?" and "does someone drive 1000 miles several times a year to see someone they don't care about?". For example, the last time he didn't respond to my cards (not related to work, that is) I asked him point blank if he was still attracted to me. He didn't respond to that email. When I spoke to him the next day, I asked him. He said, "what's with the 40 questions?"; I persisted and said, well, when a man fails to respond to a woman's flirting, etc. it could be many things but one of them could be that he's simply not attracted. To which he replied "well, it's times like these when I'm not. If I'm not I'll tell you."

How do I read a man like that? I'm afraid if I walk away I may just be misinterpreting him and losing someone I really have strong feelings for. At the same time....well you know.

I have a question for you. Is he married?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Why are you being so sweet?

I have no idea.

In fact, I'm off to bed now so you just go for it while I catch some ZZzzs