Riven___Caulfield
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2001
- Posts
- 273
Shello,
fellow Literoticans. Inspired by a few rather exceptional poets, and razzing by friends to make an attempt, I recently submitted (what I considered to be) A Haiku on Humanity.
Not too long ago, as I recall - the Lit staff work lightnin' fast, and thanks to them for posting my littlewhatever. I digress...
I opened my email at this late hour to discover feedback (which as all writers know is cause for heart palpitation or however its spelled - 'cause what will it be? A burn or a bolster? Today I got a bolster and a half. Meaning one was lovely and happy and made me warm inside <hugz ang>, and the other made me stop, and think about what I'd written. In other words, it was excellent feedback, and I'll reproduce it here, without the author's consent, <raises glass> here's hoping she's a bit of an exhibitionist:
Riven,
I am glad to see you posting again, but what you wrote was not a Haiku (as traditionally defined). You have the Japanese syllable count per line correct (5-7-5), But in English that is not as important as the "feeling". By that I mean that there should be a break in meaning/reference either between line two and three, or line one and two. Somewhere, in traditional Haiku, there should be some reference to the season.
Regards,
-Her Name.
Now this feedback slapped a nice big grin on my face, 'cause she's right, she's right and she's right. In fact, I was challenged on this issue just the other day in D/s chat, into which I'll occasionally wander. My critic at the time, however, phrased it less constructively than my friend above. Even worse for us both, at the time I was quite unable to explain my reasoning.
Some things are easier explained at 4:30a.
Here's the haiku, so you can read as you read:
here's to the men and
women, flowing forever
like water, downhill
Now written out and if spoken as a complete sentence, it would indeed have seven / eight and / two. But in my head, as I wrote it, I never considered it would be spoken that way.
Though I'll admit my editing habits are shoddy, in my ear the poem would be recited exactly as it appears.
"Here's to the men and" (wait for it - 'cause you gotta' give pause for the)
"Women, flowing forever." (beat - flowing where? What the fuck are you talking about?)
"Like water," (ahhhh - like water - water's sweet and sexy - what's that?) "downhill" (what? Uh... whatever.)
THAT'S a Hauki (to me), and I believe corresponds with the second line of her feedback. At any rate, it's a haiku to me, and his will become the point.
The Haiku, if not read by me for my own enjoyment, may not satisfy. It's true I know very little of poetry. Grammar. ...spelling, come to think of it... but I had a couple writing mentors, back when I had infinite potential, and one of them (who later became quite famous - hah!) told me the old adage: write what you know. Which at the time was quite profound. Well, certainly, one can write nothing but what they know. And I myself was raised by television, and movies - pop culture. I celebrate this as much as I condemn it - I suppose we're all like that in some ways. But....
Ah. I understand why I'm rambling. I'm trying to communicate this in my own person. Let me instead explain in the style of Mary Katherine Ghallager from Saturday Night Live. Here for your enjoyment, an improvised scene in the style of a kung fu film:
<SCENE : EXT - DAY : A LOVELY COUNTRY ROAD>
<WIDE SHOT>
Wong Riv-Hung (not a pun - though it rhymes, hon)
strolls along, on his way to the big Poetry-Fu
competition at the Free Speech Temple. He
smokes a pipe (pipes being the style at the
time) and doesn't expect the
<SMASH CUT TO>
Ninja Stealth Assasins that leap from the
bushes!
<MID SHOT>
Wong Riv-Hung tosses his pack to the sky,
<SMASH-CUTS>
and disarms his opponents, knocking them
to the ground.
<WIDE SHOT>
He stands tall over his prone enemies, in
crane stance, with the pack held high as
they pull themselves from the ground and
<MID-CLOSE>
stroke their bruises
<MID-WIDE>
before the leader steps forward.
<CLOSE-UP>
HEEL KING:
Hey you - you better watch out. You
know who I am?
<WIDE SHOT>
Wong Riv-Hung draws himself out
of crane stance, and shrugs.
<MID-CLOSE>
RIV-HUNG:
Yeah, I know you - you're nobody!
<SMASH-CUT>
HEEL KING:
Take this, boy!
<MID SHOT>
Heel King leaps forward, and
<CLOSE-UP>
plants his foot in Riv-Hung's gut.
<WIDE SHOT>
Riv-Hung falls to the dirt, winded.
<MID SHOT>
Heel King raises a scolding finger.
<CLOSE UP>
HEEL KING:
You should know better to go fighting
with people bigger than you. But
you've got real skill, kid. So I'll let you
escape with your life - this time.
<WIDE SHOT>
Wong Riv-Hung pulls himself from
the dirt, and picks up his pack.
<CLOSE UP>
HEEL KING:
Before I let you go, boy, tell me -
where are you headed?
<MID SHOT>
Riv-Hung looks over his shoulder at
the Heel King.
RIV-HUNG:
To the Poetry-Fu competition.
<WIDE SHOT>
Heel King and his associates laugh.
RIV-HUNG:
Hey - what's the big joke, huh?
<CLOSE-UP>
HEEL KING:
At the Free Speech Temple? You'll never
make it past the first round with that
style - it's sloppy.
<SMASH-CUT CLOSE-UP>
Riv-Hung had never thought of that.
<FADE TO: EXT, FIGHT CLUB TEMPLE, DAY>
Wong Riv-Hung trains diligently, before
his master.
<MID SHOT>
Master Durden strikes Riv-Hung with a
switch.
<WIDE SHOT>
MR. DURDEN:
You are not a beautiful and unique snow-
flake. You are the same decaying organic
matter as everything else....
<FADE TO: EXT - DAY : A LOVELY COUNTRY ROAD>
<WIDE SHOT - CUT TO>
<MID SHOT>
Riv-Hung turns and begins to walk away
again. But he answers the Heel King:
RIV-HUNG:
It's the only style I know.
<MID-WIDE SHOT>
The three assasins look to each other,
and feel their bruises as Wong Riv-Hung
disappears down the road...
There we go. Yeah.
I hope that clears everything up.
And as for the fact that all Haikus should have a reference to the season, well...
...um...
If the water's flowing downhill, it's clearly not frozen, right?
Thanks,
-Riv
P.S. I believe that all things on earth and indeed throughout the universe are all part of the same whole, on a level that we can't fully grasp in this life. Instead, all men and women - indeed all life - flows downhill in the path of least resistance - doing only what they know - until they reach the source again, and become part of the whole. <shrugs> But that's just me.
Thanks for your time! (and the awesome feedback!)
-Riv (again)
fellow Literoticans. Inspired by a few rather exceptional poets, and razzing by friends to make an attempt, I recently submitted (what I considered to be) A Haiku on Humanity.
Not too long ago, as I recall - the Lit staff work lightnin' fast, and thanks to them for posting my littlewhatever. I digress...
I opened my email at this late hour to discover feedback (which as all writers know is cause for heart palpitation or however its spelled - 'cause what will it be? A burn or a bolster? Today I got a bolster and a half. Meaning one was lovely and happy and made me warm inside <hugz ang>, and the other made me stop, and think about what I'd written. In other words, it was excellent feedback, and I'll reproduce it here, without the author's consent, <raises glass> here's hoping she's a bit of an exhibitionist:
Riven,
I am glad to see you posting again, but what you wrote was not a Haiku (as traditionally defined). You have the Japanese syllable count per line correct (5-7-5), But in English that is not as important as the "feeling". By that I mean that there should be a break in meaning/reference either between line two and three, or line one and two. Somewhere, in traditional Haiku, there should be some reference to the season.
Regards,
-Her Name.
Now this feedback slapped a nice big grin on my face, 'cause she's right, she's right and she's right. In fact, I was challenged on this issue just the other day in D/s chat, into which I'll occasionally wander. My critic at the time, however, phrased it less constructively than my friend above. Even worse for us both, at the time I was quite unable to explain my reasoning.
Some things are easier explained at 4:30a.
Here's the haiku, so you can read as you read:
here's to the men and
women, flowing forever
like water, downhill
Now written out and if spoken as a complete sentence, it would indeed have seven / eight and / two. But in my head, as I wrote it, I never considered it would be spoken that way.
Though I'll admit my editing habits are shoddy, in my ear the poem would be recited exactly as it appears.
"Here's to the men and" (wait for it - 'cause you gotta' give pause for the)
"Women, flowing forever." (beat - flowing where? What the fuck are you talking about?)
"Like water," (ahhhh - like water - water's sweet and sexy - what's that?) "downhill" (what? Uh... whatever.)
THAT'S a Hauki (to me), and I believe corresponds with the second line of her feedback. At any rate, it's a haiku to me, and his will become the point.
The Haiku, if not read by me for my own enjoyment, may not satisfy. It's true I know very little of poetry. Grammar. ...spelling, come to think of it... but I had a couple writing mentors, back when I had infinite potential, and one of them (who later became quite famous - hah!) told me the old adage: write what you know. Which at the time was quite profound. Well, certainly, one can write nothing but what they know. And I myself was raised by television, and movies - pop culture. I celebrate this as much as I condemn it - I suppose we're all like that in some ways. But....
Ah. I understand why I'm rambling. I'm trying to communicate this in my own person. Let me instead explain in the style of Mary Katherine Ghallager from Saturday Night Live. Here for your enjoyment, an improvised scene in the style of a kung fu film:
<SCENE : EXT - DAY : A LOVELY COUNTRY ROAD>
<WIDE SHOT>
Wong Riv-Hung (not a pun - though it rhymes, hon)
strolls along, on his way to the big Poetry-Fu
competition at the Free Speech Temple. He
smokes a pipe (pipes being the style at the
time) and doesn't expect the
<SMASH CUT TO>
Ninja Stealth Assasins that leap from the
bushes!
<MID SHOT>
Wong Riv-Hung tosses his pack to the sky,
<SMASH-CUTS>
and disarms his opponents, knocking them
to the ground.
<WIDE SHOT>
He stands tall over his prone enemies, in
crane stance, with the pack held high as
they pull themselves from the ground and
<MID-CLOSE>
stroke their bruises
<MID-WIDE>
before the leader steps forward.
<CLOSE-UP>
HEEL KING:
Hey you - you better watch out. You
know who I am?
<WIDE SHOT>
Wong Riv-Hung draws himself out
of crane stance, and shrugs.
<MID-CLOSE>
RIV-HUNG:
Yeah, I know you - you're nobody!
<SMASH-CUT>
HEEL KING:
Take this, boy!
<MID SHOT>
Heel King leaps forward, and
<CLOSE-UP>
plants his foot in Riv-Hung's gut.
<WIDE SHOT>
Riv-Hung falls to the dirt, winded.
<MID SHOT>
Heel King raises a scolding finger.
<CLOSE UP>
HEEL KING:
You should know better to go fighting
with people bigger than you. But
you've got real skill, kid. So I'll let you
escape with your life - this time.
<WIDE SHOT>
Wong Riv-Hung pulls himself from
the dirt, and picks up his pack.
<CLOSE UP>
HEEL KING:
Before I let you go, boy, tell me -
where are you headed?
<MID SHOT>
Riv-Hung looks over his shoulder at
the Heel King.
RIV-HUNG:
To the Poetry-Fu competition.
<WIDE SHOT>
Heel King and his associates laugh.
RIV-HUNG:
Hey - what's the big joke, huh?
<CLOSE-UP>
HEEL KING:
At the Free Speech Temple? You'll never
make it past the first round with that
style - it's sloppy.
<SMASH-CUT CLOSE-UP>
Riv-Hung had never thought of that.
<FADE TO: EXT, FIGHT CLUB TEMPLE, DAY>
Wong Riv-Hung trains diligently, before
his master.
<MID SHOT>
Master Durden strikes Riv-Hung with a
switch.
<WIDE SHOT>
MR. DURDEN:
You are not a beautiful and unique snow-
flake. You are the same decaying organic
matter as everything else....
<FADE TO: EXT - DAY : A LOVELY COUNTRY ROAD>
<WIDE SHOT - CUT TO>
<MID SHOT>
Riv-Hung turns and begins to walk away
again. But he answers the Heel King:
RIV-HUNG:
It's the only style I know.
<MID-WIDE SHOT>
The three assasins look to each other,
and feel their bruises as Wong Riv-Hung
disappears down the road...
There we go. Yeah.
I hope that clears everything up.
And as for the fact that all Haikus should have a reference to the season, well...
...um...
If the water's flowing downhill, it's clearly not frozen, right?
Thanks,
-Riv
P.S. I believe that all things on earth and indeed throughout the universe are all part of the same whole, on a level that we can't fully grasp in this life. Instead, all men and women - indeed all life - flows downhill in the path of least resistance - doing only what they know - until they reach the source again, and become part of the whole. <shrugs> But that's just me.
Thanks for your time! (and the awesome feedback!)
-Riv (again)
Still, I have my reasons for my meandering critique style.
