in anger?

[chris0329]

My BF and I have been together about a year. We share a s/m kink, which is I enjoy pain and he enjoys inflicting it on me, whippings, nipple torture, that sort of thing. We don't so much do the d/s thing but it slips in her and there. All was good until lately his teenage daughter hs been causing a lot of trouble and he's upset and anxious alot and now when we play, something doesn't feel right to me. It's easiest to say that it doesn't feel like playing anymore. It's not a question of safety but it's like he's genuinely angry or he's using me as an outlet for his anger with his daughter. One thing is he talks more in a d/s way.

So I said let's stick to vanilla until your through this patch and now he feels like I'm letting him down. He says he's not thinking of her when we're together and the scenes are a good stres reliever and I'm denying him when he needs it most and naturally he's not so playful since he's upset at all. He also says I'm enjoying it just fine, which is true in scene because the fierceness is exciting but after I don't feel the same.

Anyone been in this position with some advice? Do I let him take it out on me, considering I'm enjoying it anyway? Or am I right taht we should wait until he works out the other issues?

 

[catalina_francisco]

A lot of sadists use their sadism as a means of relieving stress, just as many masochists use their masochism as a means to relieving stress. From what you are saying, this is the picture I am getting about what is happening with him. I know you mention anger, though you are not clear of whether he is actually angry at the times you play or whether the new intensity makes it appear that way. If it is done in anger then it may be time to step back and together re-examine just how comfortable you are with it. It may just be that the changes are making you edgy and translating to you thinking he is angry. You need to sort that out mroe than anything, and establish safewords (if you don't already have them), limits etc., for you to have to fall back on when you begin feeling uncomfortable with what is happening and why.

As you are enjoying what is happening on a physical level, I would be careful about reading too much into what is happening in his head unless he begins to act in a way which clearly does not consider your welfare or happiness. Sometimes we can be concerned about something simply because someone else says that is not the way it should be....my thoughts are if you are happy, you still are in a position to stop if it becomes too much for you on any level, and overall it is generating good feelings for you both in an SM sense, you need to follow that more so than what is best for someone else. It could also be he is just feeling more comfortable with his sadism and stepping it up a little because of that....it is a natural progression. Talk to him more about it and then make a decision based on what he says....if you don't trust him to tell you the truth, for your own safety you should not be playing with him at all until you do.

Catalina

 

[graceanne]

This rings alarm bells. I'll also go with something during 'the heat of the moment' and be uncomfortable with it afterward. It sounds like you tried to talk to him about it, and he blew you off - which also is not ok. As anyone will tell you, communication is VERY important in this sort of thing, but it takes two people to communicate - one to talk and one to listen. I don't know what to tell you to do, though.

If he really won't stop with the rough sex, maybe you need some more 'aftercare'. As in, afterward he needs to spend some time cuddling and stuff like that, making sure that you don't feel like he's angry with you.

 

[the captians wench]

Basicly, if you're not comfortable, then there's an issue.

Now having said that, there are a lot of times when I'll come home from work and ring some one up to come beat the tar out of me because I want to relax, and giving up control after a day when I've had to be on top the whole time, really is an amazing release.

I've also been the beating post for a few friends of mine. I remember one in particular. He had a really shit day, and I just happened to pop by, he decided he wanted to session me later that night, I agreed, he was a real sadistic bastard, and in the end we both felt on top of the world.

different people do different things to destress. My mom does cross stitch, my brother does push ups, my aunt goes to the bar and brings a guy home with her, me, I like to be tied down and beaten until my skin is an even coating of purple...among other things anyway. My point is he could be using you to release tention, but he could do that by fucking your brains out nilla style as well. But if you're not comfortable with it, then yes there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

 

[catalina_francisco]

My point is he could be using you to release tention, but he could do that by fucking your brains out nilla style as well. But if you're not comfortable with it, then yes there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

I agree with you on the comfort thing which in my previous post I addressed as level of trust, but the fucking thing just doesn't work the same as SM for some. For both of us, if we are under extreme tension and need release, no amount of good sex is going to do what 1 good pain session will in terms of tension release.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

I agree with you on the comfort thing which in my previous post I addressed as level of trust, but the fucking thing just doesn't work the same as SM for some. For both of us, if we are under extreme tension and need release, no amount of good sex is going to do what 1 good pain session will in terms of tension release.

Catalina

I'm the same way cat. If I'm really stressed out, especially from work, I'd rather be beaten black and blue than fucked into orgasm heaven. But for some people that works. I was more trying to see if she would have the same problem if he was fucking her to release his stress as aposed to s/m play

 

[Chicklet]

Basicly, if you're not comfortable, then there's an issue.

exactly what i was thinking.

whether he's taking his anger out on you or not, whether that's a problem or not, it's all about your comfort level. if you don't like *being* the outlet for his anger, then you shouldn't have to be.

 

[catalina_francisco]

But Chicklet, he said he wasn't acting out in anger, he was using it for stress release...the former I don't go for unless someone is completely comfortable with it, the latter is quite common in SM and considered healthy. Naturally, if one person involved is not comfortable with that being an outcome of a good session, they should withdraw from further sessions they feel are motivated by stress.

Catalina

 

[WriterDom]

Maybe he needs a healthier form of release of the tension & anger before you play. I like to be pretty well centered if I'm hitting someone with something.

 

[A Desert Rose]

... the fucking thing just doesn't work the same as SM for some. For both of us, if we are under extreme tension and need release, no amount of good sex is going to do what 1 good pain session will in terms of tension release.
Catalina

Amen and ditto that, for both sides of the equation.

 

[BiBunny]

I agree with you on the comfort thing which in my previous post I addressed as level of trust, but the fucking thing just doesn't work the same as SM for some. For both of us, if we are under extreme tension and need release, no amount of good sex is going to do what 1 good pain session will in terms of tension release.

Catalina

Painful sex works quite well for me, though I guess that's technically combining S&M and sex together.