In a Emotional Rollercoaster Relationship? This may help!

[FinagleFactor]

Have you heard?

You dont understand me!
You dont Love me!
Dont Leave me!
Your going to leave me!
If something happens to me will you be there?
Im not going to be here forever, ya know.

If you are late by only five minutes does your SO have a fit? Accuses you of cheating, not loving them being up to something?

Once you commit, either saying I Love You, moving in or worse getting married causes everything to disintergrate. Misunderstandings are frequent.
Commitment causes expectations. It becomes your fault that they are now expected to be somewhere, call, be somewhere for you.

In the more extreme situations they may make accusations about you that are non sense. If you look closely you may even see them now. They are explained away with I didnt understand.

All of these can be exhibited in every day relationships. But these examples happen more often. You are in an emotional rollercoaster. Agreements are not met. Any agreement becomes an expectation that makes them feel bound to you.

The underlying feeling is that you may leave. They fear abandonment. In there mind everything you do or say proves their point. You dont mean you love them, your just saying it. In fearing abandonment and being convinced you will not stay once you know who they really are they concentrate on other things, friends, family, work, or cheating. Responsibilities are not met.

Cheating is not enevitable. It becomes more likely if you dont know what you are upagainst. We tend to make them accountable for their actions. BDSM especially so. By making them accountable they revolt against you. Why do what you say when your going to leave.

It is an irrational fear. It is very unlikely you can work around this successfully unless they address it and admit it also.

This is often misdiagnosed as Bi Polar. The more accurate term is Borderline Personality Disorder. There are others that are similar also.
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Book(s) to Read
Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Randi Kreger and Paul T Mason

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I am posting this because of my experience here. I am hoping it may help some people.

 

[Marquis]

 

[Kajira Callista]

Have you heard?

You dont understand me!
You dont Love me!
Dont Leave me!
Your going to leave me!
If something happens to me will you be there?
Im not going to be here forever, ya know.

If you are late by only five minutes does your SO have a fit? Accuses you of cheating, not loving them being up to something?

Once you commit, either saying I Love You, moving in or worse getting married causes everything to disintergrate. Misunderstandings are frequent.
Commitment causes expectations. It becomes your fault that they are now expected to be somewhere, call, be somewhere for you.

In the more extreme situations they may make accusations about you that are non sense. If you look closely you may even see them now. They are explained away with I didnt understand.

All of these can be exhibited in every day relationships. But these examples happen more often. You are in an emotional rollercoaster. Agreements are not met. Any agreement becomes an expectation that makes them feel bound to you.

The underlying feeling is that you may leave. They fear abandonment. In there mind everything you do or say proves their point. You dont mean you love them, your just saying it. In fearing abandonment and being convinced you will not stay once you know who they really are they concentrate on other things, friends, family, work, or cheating. Responsibilities are not met.

Cheating is not enevitable. It becomes more likely if you dont know what you are upagainst. We tend to make them accountable for their actions. BDSM especially so. By making them accountable they revolt against you. Why do what you say when your going to leave.

It is an irrational fear. It is very unlikely you can work around this successfully unless they address it and admit it also.

This is often misdiagnosed as Bi Polar. The more accurate term is Borderline Personality Disorder. There are others that are similar also.

*************************************************
I am posting this because of my experience here. I am hoping it may help some people.

heheh.....someone havin' a bad day?

 

[FinagleFactor]

LoL, No.

It is understanding. Not knowing this and being close to someone can be a terrible place to be in.

This is hopefully to help those few that are experiencing this. The feelings felt by a BPD is 10x what everyone else feels. Either you are a Saint in their eyes or your the Devil.

It is a very serious post.

 

[Kajira Callista]

LoL, No.

It is understanding. Not knowing this and being close to someone can be a terrible place to be in.

This is hopefully to help those few that are experiencing this. The feelings felt by a BPD is 10x what everyone else feels. Either you are a Saint in their eyes or your the Devil.

It is a very serious post.

or maybe you make them feel insecure? and ignore them because of course it could never be you that would do something wrong. then it escalates and you blame it on something else because you dont wanna see your own fault.








just sayin'

 

[FinagleFactor]

You believe as you wish. I looked at my responsibility. I was there in everyway in which I new how. There are limits to what you can do.

Knowing what I know now could I have made it better. I don't know.

Back then would I have given it a try, Yes. Now, No.

I see how my reactions now affected the outcome and would change those that I know of. When you are put in this kind of a position and you dont know what you are upagainst it is very difficult.

 

[FinagleFactor]

or maybe you make them feel insecure? and ignore them because of course it could never be you that would do something wrong. then it escalates and you blame it on something else because you dont wanna see your own fault.

I want to add that is part of it. They already are insecure and your not being super sensitive to it makes it worse. Nothing you can do will make them feel secure. They have to see it and change from with in. All you can try to do is allieviate their fears. But you are upagainst a lot.

They can have a nightmare where you hurt them. You have now answer for something you didnt do in rl. I experienced that. She told me of a dream. I thought I was being sensitive. I was not. I was not being sensitive enough. At that time she didnt want my attention, either. She was already set off and had a lot of emotions to deal with just from a dream.

I didnt give it the weight it deserved for her. I did not hurt her. I did not blame or do anything "wrong". In her eyes I did. I hurt her in the dream. I didnt care that she was upset. (at the time I hadnt known how upset she was, I put 2 & 2 together later, too late.)

 

[Marquis]

Do we crazy people have any hope for anything but fleeting romance?

 

[curiousjen]

Do we crazy people have any hope for anything but fleeting romance?

Oh yes.

We just need to find someone crazy enough to put up with us!

Besides there are a whole host of benifits of living with a crazy person. The oft ignored positives of mental "illness".

 

[Netzach]

You know, being a depressive living with a more commonly depressed depressive isn't exactly a picnic. Now, being a more depressed depressive living with someone with active Crohn's disease who has made it almost all the way to surgery without any solution..that's surely a picnic.

If sickness/craziness scares you I suggest you have a lengthy survey for all prospective partners. And among otherwise healthy people the shit hits the fan at times.

 

[FinagleFactor]

Very interesting replies.

This post was to help those few who may be experiencing problems and dont know what is going on. Who want to save the relationship and make it work. We all want to be loved and have attention. By recognizing a potential problem a relationship may be saved.

Why take this as my saying everyone here is crazy. No, Many are not, "Crazy".

 

[Netzach]

I've met tons of people who exhibit behavior like that who are NOT diagnosed with any particular "disorder" they are simply...fucked up. Fucked up because of things in the past, fucked up because of things in the present, just average people who have not talked to a therapist or done the introspection or learned from past mistakes, or who have just not healed from the incredible amounts of crap life has shit on them. I think most people are walking around quite a bit fucked up.

The few diagnosed BPD people I knew were actually terrified of being in relationships and guarded themselves from that in various ways. It's just not jiving with my observations.

 

[Marquis]

Very interesting replies.

This post was to help those few who may be experiencing problems and dont know what is going on. Who want to save the relationship and make it work. We all want to be loved and have attention. By recognizing a potential problem a relationship may be saved.

Why take this as my saying everyone here is crazy. No, Many are not, "Crazy".

Am I crazy?

 

[curiousjen]

I've met tons of people who exhibit behavior like that who are NOT diagnosed with any particular "disorder" they are simply...fucked up. Fucked up because of things in the past, fucked up because of things in the present, just average people who have not talked to a therapist or done the introspection or learned from past mistakes, or who have just not healed from the incredible amounts of crap life has shit on them. I think most people are walking around quite a bit fucked up.

The few diagnosed BPD people I knew were actually terrified of being in relationships and guarded themselves from that in various ways. It's just not jiving with my observations.

*Nods in total agreement.*

Call me a cynic, but I hate hate hate all the diagnose yourselves tests that are on the internet and dumbed down ideas of the diagnostic criteria. You've got a crisis in a relationship and feel bad about your body and suddenly according to a test you're BPD or bipolar. Diagnosing mental illness is something that should take years of training and observation- and even then the "experts" still very often get it wrong. Like Netzach says, there are many reasons why people could behave like this, to chalk it down to a serious mental illness without an offical diagnosis and making people think they are mentally ill is irresponsible to say the least.

 

[FinagleFactor]

Then research it like I have.

Not getting into relationships is not the norm. They tend to hop from Life Raft to life Raft.

And you are right everyone can feel thse feelings. You cant take it at face value. It is to the extreme. In a regular relationship you dont have as many ups and downs. You dont have the constant fighting of a crisis. Do we go through these, yes we do. All of us. This is 10x worse.

Questioning yourself is good. If you are questioning, "do I come across that way", chances are your "normal". Everyone has their quirks. This is not a simple quirk. This runs their life.

If you are a partner this can tear you down if you dont know what is going on. Why cant I express myself, why cant I make my point, what did I do to deserve this? etc. Are all feelings the partner can feel from this.

 

[FinagleFactor]

I am not diagnosing anyone. I am saying if you are in a relationship like this you may want to check this out. BPD may be much more accurate then Bi Polar. If it is it can save the relationship. If you are diagnosed with Bi Polar I would think looking at BPD would be something to look at. BPD is often misdiagnosed as Bi Polar.

*Nods in total agreement.*

Call me a cynic, but I hate hate hate all the diagnose yourselves tests that are on the internet and dumbed down ideas of the diagnostic criteria. You've got a crisis in a relationship and feel bad about your body and suddenly according to a test your BPD or bipolar. Diagnosing mental illness is something that should take years of training and observation- and even then the "experts" still very often get it wrong. Like Netzach says, there are many reasons why people could behave like this, to chalk it down to a serious mental illness without an offical diagnosis and making people think they are mentally ill is irresponsible to say the least.

 

[Marquis]

Uh oh.

 

[Netzach]

I think if I was being approached by my partner as a research project and a patient it would really help with my emotional problems.

 

[Marquis]

I am not diagnosing anyone. I am saying if you are in a relationship like this you may want to check this out. BPD may be much more accurate then Bi Polar. If it is it can save the relationship. If you are diagnosed with Bi Polar I would think looking at BPD would be something to look at. BPD is often misdiagnosed as Bi Polar.

Why?

What do they share in common?

 

[FinagleFactor]

Why?

What do they share in common?

I am not sure. I know of the BPD and it is known and advertised that it is often misdiagnosed as BP. I am curious as well.

 

[Marquis]

I am not sure. I know of the BPD and it is known and advertised that it is often misdiagnosed as BP. I am curious as well.

I wish you would entertain me with a private conversation.

 

[FinagleFactor]

I think if I was being approached by my partner as a research project and a patient it would really help with my emotional problems.

Why think of it that way? I am not telling you or your partner to do that. It is the partners call as to what they should do. Had I known this I would not have brought it up but had paid more attention and been more sensitive.

At one point I was accused of still seeing my ex girlfriend. I wasnt. I loved her and only her. I told her so. I asked how could she think that? I loved her. etc etc. I never should have asked how could she think that. I should have addressed the real problem. She didnt understand why I loved her. I didnt know that after all we were living together. She was the only one I had an interest in. I didnt see all of this then.

I am not sorry for my not knowing the real reason. She just as easily could have explained her feelings. She couldn't. I know that now. Not knowing it then does not make me the bad guy!

FYI, many have gone because someone in their life has insisted. Just as many have made things worse by bringing it up to their partner.

 

[TaintedB]

Then research it like I have.

Not getting into relationships is not the norm. They tend to hop from Life Raft to life Raft.

The borderlines I've met have been more like what you describe above. They also like to have one foot in one life raft and one foot in the other. I suppose that's why they call 'em borderlines! LOTS of them in bdsm. Can create incredible emotional havoc amoung people, even people they only know casually. They don't always, but the ones I've had the great misfortune to have known, have.

 

[FinagleFactor]

The borderlines I've met have been more like what you describe above. They also like to have one foot in one life raft and one foot in the other. I suppose that's why they call 'em borderlines! LOTS of them in bdsm. Can create incredible emotional havoc amoung people, even people they only know casually. They don't always, but the ones I've had the great misfortune to have known, have.

I dont know if I could have saved the relationship. But if I knew what I know now I would have damn near killed myself trying. I almost did even with out knowing.

No not all have the foot in the life raft while in a relationship. Those seem to be the ones where the partner is either supplying all the emotional needs or knows of this and can addresse it.

Thank You for your post.

 

[Marquis]

Curiouser and curiouser.