I'm sorry (heavy)

[azailin]

I'm so terribly sorry for this, but I need a release of some sort. You see I am in pain. I am confused. I guess, most importantly, I am hurt. I suppose it's only fair to give you background on this. The confusion is easy, I've reached out many times to people, both here and other places and consistently rebuffed. In actuality, ghosted, so in there lies most of the hurt. I know why it happens as well, it's no surprise. Since it's usually within the intro of any post where i reach out to others, ironically it has yet to appear in this one. You see, I have a major disability. I feel it's necessary that it is at least mentioned in any intro. It's not pretty, but totally invisible. If you were to see me, out in the world, it's unlikely you would notice it. This is where the pain comes in. At all times I'm in broken, soul crushing pain. My body constantly abuses me, everyday. This horrible genetic disease, is called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I was lucky, if you can call it that, since I have type 5 of 13 different subtypes, which make my entire body double jointed and fantastic skin elasticity. It appears I have a severe case, since just turning a door knob can dislocate my wrist (I wish I were lying). It has many strange, stupid (I realize that a disease has no innate intelligence or cognizance) and random symptoms you'd swear they were made up. My body has become a prison on which I cannot escape. Due to how hypermobile I am, my ribs routinely "pop out" just by breathing. It's almost as if my body is my abuser. I have to take LETHAL levels of pain medication just to be able to move about as I do. n I have no functionality. I have no LIFE. I've lost all my friends. It is rare that I feel up to going out on the town, since the consequences are so severe. I have had a world renowned orthopedic surgeon tell me to my FACE (and I quote) "There is nothing further I can do for you medically, you're just fucked, give up." You know, I am honestly so depressed I can't even fuckin cry anymore. The last time I've had intimate contact with someone was June of 2004. I'm sorry. I've gotten far off track. I'm not so socially backward as to not realize this is some seriously heavy shit. All I've ever put out is just that I have a disease and name it, during the intro. The absolute worse part is the deafening silence. Invariably, my every attempt to reach out, to possibly alleviate the soul crushing loneliness is silence. I guess the worst part of all this, I am a certified genius. It's so frustrating for your mind to be active, almost hyperactive, with a shattered body. I tried college, and failed hard. Not that the material was too difficult, I just couldn't handle the day to day pain. I have an extreme pain tolerance, you build it up when you routinely tear your MCL or ACL and you still need to walk. It happens so often I don't bother to go to a doctor about it anymore. That was why the orthopedic surgeon was for. I realize, after this pity party, that I have yet to give you reference as to my age, which is under 40. I'm still a virgin FFS, out of the few times it could have happened, I suppose I was naive enough to refuse. There is a rage inside me, growing to unimaginable levels within, it threatens to consume me. I guess it's so pathetic that it's come down to this, offering my life to perfect strangers, just so there is the possibility of a reply. The rejection, so high and impossibly deep, quietly whispering the constant despair of a broken soul. My constant companion throughout all this is pain. I'm sorry. I've degenerated into the constant bemoaning of a tortured soul. I'm so sorry for dumping all of this onto you, you don't deserve it but please don't reply if you are only going to offer pity, it's all I ever get it seems. If any of you believe this is a suicide note, it is not so please be at ease. I don't even know what I want right now, although that is a lie. I'm sorry to trouble you good folks. Count your blessings and take care of yourselves. I honestly wish the best for each and every one of you. Goodbye.

 

[adrina]

Don't apologize. Sometimes stuff has got to come out.

The only practical advice I have is to look for and join an online support group. I searched Google and there appear to be several.

The average person can give you sympathy, but it sounds like you need more - a connection with understanding.

Good luck.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Ditto above advice.

I have had friends in a variety of PTSD and abuse situations and the ONLY thing that really brought them any sort of semblance of relief, the only thing that made them feel human and connected any more, was to talk to someone who knew what their pain was all about. A support group of people who've been through it. I'm not going to understand you, fully, and neither will your closest friends, but a group of strangers sitting around in chairs who have been there -- !

Aside from that I can only say binge watch Fleabag. It's great.

 

[Tryharder62]

I agree with adrina and Dixon.

I don't think they are ghosting you because of your disease. I am just wondering if, since they don't know you, they just don't know what to say. Maybe let them get to know you a little bit first and see if you click with them and then if you want to get more serious let them know. Just my thought!

I have a few small pain issues so I can only imagine how tough it would be to deal with the pain you do. What you have is pretty rare so linking up with someone who understands in a support group could really help.

If you need to vent feel free to pm me.

 

[Lancecastor19]

She should have just gone with “ double jointed virgin”.

 

[FataMorgana]

Ditto above advice.

I have had friends in a variety of PTSD and abuse situations and the ONLY thing that really brought them any sort of semblance of relief, the only thing that made them feel human and connected any more, was to talk to someone who knew what their pain was all about. A support group of people who've been through it. I'm not going to understand you, fully, and neither will your closest friends, but a group of strangers sitting around in chairs who have been there -- !

Aside from that I can only say binge watch Fleabag. It's great.

That scene with the priest...