I'm proud of this story.... Feedback? Please?

[Louise Brown]

I've submitted my first story, titled "Your Blow Job," found in Erotic Couplings, or more specifically at http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=224638

The story puts you (if you're a man) into the action as I describe sucking your cock. Feedback and votes are appreciated.

Thanks,
--Louise

 

[Aliyahlovinsex]

if I were I guy I would probably blow my load

but hey you're from Wisconsin just like me

 

[sensorotika]

Very nice

I like the premise, and I think it's well done. I like the fluid description, and an important aspect is that the woman describes the act as enjoyable - very arousing and sexy.

One minor point - the statement "..and I impale myself upon you" is a little disruptive to the rhythmic flow of description. I realize you might be going for a peak and crescendo at that point of the story, which is important, but the wording in this context seems out of place to me.

Overall, very nice, very sexy.

 

[cutsdean]

Excellent story - just the right length, did not drag out the storyline and certainly tuened me on whilst reading it. Thank you

 

[WormHole]

I think that the obvious pleasure that the character derives from the act is a key to making this story enjoyable.

Thanks!

 

[CopyCarver]

It's a Keeper

"The story puts you (if you're a man) into the action as I describe sucking your cock."


I am--and it did.

I tend to prefer third person for most stories, but you made a good choice here in terms of immediacy and reader involvement. Good call also in getting right into the story, leaving it uncluttered by extraneous detail, and getting out as soon as you told the story.

Nice work!

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

Licked -- er -- liked it!

Second person can blow up in a person's face, but then again, considering the topic, that could be a good thing!!

But it was really pretty tasty.

 

[ragsthetiger]

very well done, smooth description (though I tend to agree that the "impale" line is just a bit awkward), and best of all it got me hard.

thanks

 

[Sensual_guy]

Great story!

All I can say is... GREAT STORY! I loved it... very descriptive, very hot.

 

[slipfreak46]

You have a right to be proud

If that story will get someone close to 60 up, you have done very well. Wish I could remember cumming like you describe. But then again, with that kind of "encouragement", who could resist.


Thanx

 

[Preachrman]

WOW, um... wow.

I could live with getting blowjobs like that everyday.

 

[thebullet]

in general I am opposed to writing stories in the present tense. It usually just doesn't work.

99% of the time I am opposed to 2nd person stories, addressing the other protagonist as "you". They NEVER work.

That being said, in this case both POV and tense worked just fine. The story is hot.

Well done. I wouldn't have believed that anyone could have pulled that off.

 

[Flashlight7.5]

Good work

It's good. Your description of his orgasm is quite good. It was almost like watching a money shot in a porn film.

 

[fallon2]

Good

I thought it was very good. It reminds me of another story much in the same vein (pun intended) by another lit author. Keep up the good work.

 

[devilsargument]

I agree, relatively superlative, technically. However, I felt it run of the mill as far as content goes. There's not a lot there as far as personalization...I feel like it could've been made more personal to you. With that, spectacular, as it currently stands, average. Just average. Excepting of course the 2nd person point of view, which was very well done.

Be very, very careful.

-D-

 

[Bill Dada]

Excellent Story

I plan on reading some more of your stories and would love to read your account of your man (or woman, it doesn't matter to me) getting you off orally.

 

[Singularity]

Some suggestions

I will echo the earlier comments that the "I/you" style of writing is not very popular, or easy to read. I'd suggest "I/he" instead. As for present versus past tense, I've done both. I used to write exclusively in present tense because I wanted it to read like "right now".

However, a couple of years ago I switched to past tense, and while it felt weird for a while, now I could never go back to present tense.

And while this is a tasty little vignette, and not a plot-driven story, I think some additional context about the two of you would help. Location? Emotions and mental state before getting together to 'do it', do you love him or is he just a cock? and such.

Still, undeniably hot.



Sin.