I'm pretty sure I'm being dumped...

[Chicklet]

When I asked the guy I'm infatuated with if I could come see him this weekend, he went on to a different topic without responding. Last night I asked him if he'd be free to come down here next weekend, and he didn't respond. He lives in Seattle, I live in Portland. It's only a three hour drive, but that's enough to want to make a weekend out of it and plan things in advance. I waited a few minutes and told him that I had noticed he wasn't responding to any questions about when or if I could see him again. Then I did a stupid thing and said "*Do* you want to see me again?" and he responded "I'm not sure, right now."

He knows I've been particularly depressed lately, and I think that it turns him off. I can't help but feel a bit angry that he would tell me this when he knows how unhappy I've been, when he knows that this is breaking my heart. But also, I respect that it's his honest opinion, and that he shouldn't hold it back from me.

I feel like all the power in this relationship we've had is his. Maybe he's not my Master, or even my boyfriend, but he's definitely the top and very dominating in this relationship. All the choices of what we do and when we do them are his, and I even like that. But if I accept that, when why is this so hard to accept?

My instinct is to plead, and bargain, and try to make things better. But he took all the power, and I have nothing to offer or say that he couldn't have anyways if he so desired. I feel utterly helpless. What was a turn on last week when he was still a future romantic possibility is now eating out my heart.

Selfishly, I feel like I've given him so much... anything he wanted. And I just wanted his attention in return. Is it topping from the bottom to blow a guy and hope that it'll make him like you more? I kind of feel like it was, because everything I did for him, I had this feeling in the back of my mind that it was earning me a special place with him. I did so many things with him for the first time... I'd never had anal sex before. I'd never been beaten with a belt, or a riding crop, or spanked so hard... no one had ever made me bleed... honestly I'd never been with a guy that sincerely got off on causing me physical pain in a sexual way, or who really wanted to 'use me' like a toy. But none of these things was new for him. And with each thing he did with me that I'd never done before, I liked him more, but there was nothing I could do to make myself different from the women he'd been with.

Once I stupidly asked him what he liked about me. He responded "You have nice hair, but it'd look better a darker shade of red."

I don't want to paint a bad picture of him. But I can't help being a tad angry at the helpless way I feel right now. He really did take all the power away from me, and I miss some of it. It'd be nice to have a reserve to draw on right now and regain some of my strength. Instead, I feel drained, and helpless, and hopeless. And I feel that ridiculous idea that I'll never find another guy that I like like this, who will want to tie me up and beat me and fuck me hard for hours on end.

 

[graceanne]

*hugs*

 

[nusubgurl]

Baby,

i don't have any great words of wisdom, or pithy sayings or moral platitudes to offer...just know that you are in my thoughts.. and i am sending you tons of strength and hope. you will survive this and grow from it and there will be someone new for you when you are ready. He'll cherish your gifts and like your hair no matter what color it is.

 

[DVS]

When I asked the guy I'm infatuated with if I could come see him this weekend, he went on to a different topic without responding. Last night I asked him if he'd be free to come down here next weekend, and he didn't respond. He lives in Seattle, I live in Portland. It's only a three hour drive, but that's enough to want to make a weekend out of it and plan things in advance. I waited a few minutes and told him that I had noticed he wasn't responding to any questions about when or if I could see him again. Then I did a stupid thing and said "*Do* you want to see me again?" and he responded "I'm not sure, right now."

He knows I've been particularly depressed lately, and I think that it turns him off. I can't help but feel a bit angry that he would tell me this when he knows how unhappy I've been, when he knows that this is breaking my heart. But also, I respect that it's his honest opinion, and that he shouldn't hold it back from me.

I feel like all the power in this relationship we've had is his. Maybe he's not my Master, or even my boyfriend, but he's definitely the top and very dominating in this relationship. All the choices of what we do and when we do them are his, and I even like that. But if I accept that, when why is this so hard to accept?

My instinct is to plead, and bargain, and try to make things better. But he took all the power, and I have nothing to offer or say that he couldn't have anyways if he so desired. I feel utterly helpless. What was a turn on last week when he was still a future romantic possibility is now eating out my heart.

Selfishly, I feel like I've given him so much... anything he wanted. And I just wanted his attention in return. Is it topping from the bottom to blow a guy and hope that it'll make him like you more? I kind of feel like it was, because everything I did for him, I had this feeling in the back of my mind that it was earning me a special place with him. I did so many things with him for the first time... I'd never had anal sex before. I'd never been beaten with a belt, or a riding crop, or spanked so hard... no one had ever made me bleed... honestly I'd never been with a guy that sincerely got off on causing me physical pain in a sexual way, or who really wanted to 'use me' like a toy. But none of these things was new for him. And with each thing he did with me that I'd never done before, I liked him more, but there was nothing I could do to make myself different from the women he'd been with.

Once I stupidly asked him what he liked about me. He responded "You have nice hair, but it'd look better a darker shade of red."

I don't want to paint a bad picture of him. But I can't help being a tad angry at the helpless way I feel right now. He really did take all the power away from me, and I miss some of it. It'd be nice to have a reserve to draw on right now and regain some of my strength. Instead, I feel drained, and helpless, and hopeless. And I feel that ridiculous idea that I'll never find another guy that I like like this, who will want to tie me up and beat me and fuck me hard for hours on end.

Chicklet, I'll tell you right now, it isn't you. There could be another woman that lives closer, but if I had someone like you who I was introducing to new things and you were enjoying them as you say you are, I'd have you naked and tied to the bed (among other things) for days and days.

You might not be a newbie in your mind, but if you are a newbie to some of the BDSM things, that is one of the greatest thrills for me...being the first to do these things to you. I guess it is kind of like taking someone's cherry, but I've never done that. I just like the total lust and excitment, the wide eyed interest and the almost infatuation someone new to some of the BDSM things ihas.

I guess he could be different. I don't know. Just know that if I lived close enough, you'd be naked, bound and used for very long periods of time. And, I would never try to change a woman's hair. That is her personal thing and who am I to even suggest a different color? If she were thinking of cutting her long hair, I might try to get her to not cut it, because I love long hair.

But, that's still her hair and if she ends uip getting it cut, I dno't have any right to say anything. Once I make my point and ask her not to, it's still her hair. And, I feel the same way about anything she would want to change about me. Only if something is suggested and it sounds like a good idea, would I think that is OK.

Sure, you're in the dumps. That's normal. But, if he's made his decision to move on, what are you going to do about it? Was there some kind of agreement between you that he wouldn't go? If this has only been a short time, I would question why it was so short, though. Maybe he is shallow. I hate to say it, but there are men out there who are.

Don't worry about not finding another guy out there. Portland isn't a small town. Like I said, I would have no problem at all making you my sex toy, and I'm sure there are men in Portland that feel the same way. And I'm sure you will find one of them. But, don't act like you are needy, in your search to find another guy. You're far from needy.

I've seen you and thre's nothing wrong with you. If that guy found something wrong with you, I think he has a problem and he might also lean towards the shallow side. I bet he's done this before to someone else.

Have you ever thought you might be too much for him and he doesn't have the guts to admit it? That's possible, you know. Damn, I wish I lived in Portland.

 

[Kierae]

I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. You gave him all the power, you put the ball in his court, you changed yourself and did things you normally wouldn't do to try to "win" his affections. I am not sure how long you two have dated/hung out but my guess is you might have been the pursuer which works fine when it fits his needs.

Take your power back, learn from the mistakes (so you don't repeat history) and know that you will find someone who will cherish you just the way you are and appreciate the gifts you have.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Sigh

No wonderful words of wisdom other than hang in there woman.

 

[Neomagalie]

.....

 

[Kajira Callista]

It sucks and hurts and you feel empty .....but it does get better. Use this time to learn and make yourself stronger in spite of how you feel right now.

 

[Caitlynne]

Then I did a stupid thing and said "*Do* you want to see me again?" and he responded "I'm not sure, right now."

I'm not sure how reassuring I can be either, but I wanted to say something... It was NOT a stupid thing to do. You asked because you wanted to know the truth. It was brave, and yes, the truth hurts right now, but YOU were brave to ask it.

I hope this turns out well for you, and that you see how 'right' you were to ask.

 

[h_i_s]

Chicklet ... i have no unique remedies or advice to offer. i can only share my experiences, how i've always dealt with this type of situation ... and who knows? Maybe some part of it all will help.

Most here have probably been there, done that ... been through what you are dealing with right now. i know *i* have. i feel for ya hun. :hugzz: It was a long time ago and not a time i'd wish to ever visit again. When i was 'there' ... there wasn't a whole lot that cheered me up, but i do recall 2 things that helped a bit:

First: quality *me* time
a. a long hot softly fragranced late afternoon/early evening bubble bath, while sipping my favorite wine/wine cooler etc as my favorite 'man bashing aka female confidence picker-upper' tunes played in the background (anything Erica Baddu[sp?]... or Tony Braxton could work) ... followed by a maincure, pedicure, hair all done up .. makeup etc ....
b. getting dressed to the hilt .. anything soft, feminine, & sexy that screams confidence

Secondly: hopping right back onto the bandwagon ... Meaning both 'a.' & 'b' (above) followed by a night out on the town with the girls ... dancing and drinking (not to a drunken state though ... sometimes that only makes the depression come back with an even deeper, harder bite.)

i never wasted much time asking myself "what is wrong with me?" ... always had a good understanding that if a man didn't adore me for who i am ... then i aint the woman for him ... which automatically rules him out as being the man for me too ... it doesn't mean anything is wrong with anyone.

It just sucks when ya THINK a guy adores you .. and you adore him .. and find out he doesn't like you as much as you need him to. Nothing changes that. Sometimes it is better to just accept, & move on asap ..

 

[Betticus]

I don't want to paint a bad picture of him. But I can't help being a tad angry at the helpless way I feel right now. He really did take all the power away from me, and I miss some of it. It'd be nice to have a reserve to draw on right now and regain some of my strength. Instead, I feel drained, and helpless, and hopeless.

Read what I'm about to tell you to do and commit it to memory. Then find a quiet moment and spot and relax in it and simply do this. It will help you a lot.

Close your eyes and in your imagination form a picture of him, a photograph on paper of his face. Now begin to recall all of the emotions that you associate with him that are causing you stress and visualize them flowing out of you and into that picture of him. Let them just soak into him and watch as that picture becomes more and more lifelike as your memories fill him up. Take all of the bad feelings and helpless feelings that you associate with him and do the same thing. Just let the feelings and memories flow into that picture. You will already be feeling a lot better by now but you aren't done. You need to push that picture away from you so that it becomes smaller until it no longer seems to be such a strong influence on you. Now, picture in your mind this picture being crumpled up by your hands until it is a small, wadded up ball of paper and you can't see any of his picture. Form a picture of a wastebasket or fireplace or something like that for yourself and think of it as the place where memories and emotions that you don't want or are holding you back have to go to. Put that receptacle in a far away, very unimportant corner but not so far away that you can't be aware of it. Picture that wad of paper and all of those bed feelings floating into that place only to be captured there. Shut the lid or burn it or lock it in so that it can't get out. When bad feelings and emotions from your past come back to haunt you or get in the way of what you want to do picture them, feed the feelings into that picture and throw it away in this same place.

Do this as often as needed and it becomes much easier very quickly. It will work with all kinds of other memories and emotions that you want control of as well.

You will feel amazingly peaceful and free after you do this. Love and infatuation are very powerful emotions but they can be controlled by you when you find that you need it.

Try not to throw away the value of the wisdom and experience with the bad emotions unless you can't seperate them. Try to keep the parts that are good for you and make you a smarter person. You can always reverse this visualization to get back something you accidentally got rid of.

Now, go and do this and then do something special just to pamper yourself. I find that a nice bubble bath is just the thing for me.

 

[graceanne]

Wanna go out, get drunk, and bitch about men?

 

[Betticus]

Wanna go out, get drunk, and bitch about men?

Okay! I'm down for that.

 

[pellso27]

check with me!

I am very experienced with getting dumped!

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I am very experienced with getting dumped!

i can't imagine why.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm sorry you are going through this Chicklet. Next time or even if he does call again, remember you have to take care of you. Even when you are giving him power over you in certain areas and ways, you still have a right and responsibility to yourself to get the lines of communication to the point where you can let him know what you need from him in the way of contact and set some ground rules.

Sure it's all very romantic and exciting to think you can just drift into a relationship like this and let him lead the way. You may want to be good and to you that might me not asking for what you need to feel secure and safe. What you are doing and it's common in humans is devaluing yourself.

I did this once and it was an online thing only, I'll admit. Now I'm sorry that I gave my trust and part of my heart to someone from which I asked for nothing. Since I didn't value myself that way, perhaps that is why he didn't value me either, not even enough to tell me why he was no longer going to be in contact.

You deserve better. He is not worth your heartache if he doesn't feel that you do deserve better.

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[h_i_s]

i can't imagine why.

i had to force myself to exercise a great deal of self control in not posting a similar comment in reply to that post. heh ...

Glad someone else voiced the opinion ...

 

[Quint]

Chicklet, what you just described is me in another life. I thought that because I was allowing him to do whatever he wanted--which included cutting our conversations short, deciding when we could or could not see each other, and telling me when I was out of line for my obsession with sex--, somehow he was "in control" and "dominant." It was just an excuse for him to be chickenshit and use me. When I was convenient, he was there for me. When I wasn't, he wasn't. Hell yes I was infatuated. In a way, I loved that I was being used. But damn, it's poison. Get the hell out--on your own terms, so you'll never be wondering what might have been.

And of course hugs. I don't directly talk to you much but I always read you and you're pretty swell.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Damn darlin'

Chicklet, what you just described is me in another life. I thought that because I was allowing him to do whatever he wanted--which included cutting our conversations short, deciding when we could or could not see each other, and telling me when I was out of line for my obsession with sex--, somehow he was "in control" and "dominant." It was just an excuse for him to be chickenshit and use me. When I was convenient, he was there for me. When I wasn't, he wasn't. Hell yes I was infatuated. In a way, I loved that I was being used. But damn, it's poison. Get the hell out--on your own terms, so you'll never be wondering what might have been.

And of course hugs. I don't directly talk to you much but I always read you and you're pretty swell.

It doesn't happen often, but that sent shivers up my spine.

 

[graceanne]

Okay! I'm down for that.

You would be. But sorry, this is a night for GIRLS ONLY. We're gonna be sexist and make nasty comments about men. Last I checked, you have ALL the wrong equipment.

Besides, you're not an Oregonian. Oregonians ROCK.

 

[Quint]

It doesn't happen often, but that sent shivers up my spine.

Happy to return the favor, finally. Lord knows you've made me writhe often enough.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Happy to return the favor, finally. Lord knows you've made me writhe often enough.

Be nice.

 

[DVS]

Last I checked, you have ALL the wrong equipment.

And just when WAS the last time YOU looked at his equipment?

And, if you don't mind, I have one last question. I'm not trying to be a pest, but just how do you people up there in that state full of trees pronounce the word Oregonians...or even Oregonian? And, should that maybe be Oregonites?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

And just when WAS the last time YOU looked at his equipment?

And, if you don't mind, I have one last question. I'm not trying to be a pest, but just how do you people up there in that state full of trees pronounce the word Oregonians...or even Oregonian? And, should that maybe be Oregonites?

click me

 

[Recidiva]

People pass into your life and pass out of your life, and there's a cycle to it. If you feel like a submissive person, then that person is like your sun. You're like a flower who opens up when they're around and your petals spread out.

They're set in their course and unchanging, that's fine.

You have petals and you spread out, but you have something else, you have roots.

When you're withdrawn, which is normal, and you have to do, just root yourself. This is just as necessary as being outflung.

People judge this phase as being bad or worse, but it's absolutely necessary to growth.

You can call it whatever you want, but if you don't use this phase to relax and root yourself, ground yourself, and grow, when the sun rises again, you'll be too exhausted to bloom.

Suns come and suns go according to their schedule.

Your power lies in your roots.