I'm new to literotica and i'm looking for feedback

[PacifistKitty]

Hi my story is the 10th post on this since Literotica kept killing my attachment.

hi i am looking for some feedback to my first story.now tell me how you like this i added on some more things. i made some changes to this story this morning so tell me what you think..

 

[CopyCarver]

I had only about two minutes to spare before heading out the door, but it looks like you have a good little story, especially for a first effort. I spotted some minor punctuation and syntax errors--but they are indeed minor and easy to fix.

If you'd like, I'll take a better look after I get back.

 

[storyplayer]

Your story is OK, but you need to pay more attention to your grammar.

I am looking for women with whom to collaborate in the creation of new stories. Message me if you think this could help you.

 

[kbate]

Para 1 - Why bother with the description of her uniform, underwear and bra? How about.... T was walking home from the catholic girls school thinking. "why...." I don't care what she was wearing.

Para 2 - too much passive voice.

Para 3 - Why not write out the dialogue? Too many sentences start with "so".

Para 4-end - break action into more paragraphs. Every new speaker requires new paragraph.

------
You have a cute little story but need to pay more attention to the rules for proper writing, especially when dialogue is concerned. Some of your adjectives and adverbs are unnecessary and the verb tenses should remain consistent throughout the descripton of their time in the park. If it is to be told in second person, keep it there, if it is to be third person - maintain that. The passive voice weakened the early part of the story.

An edit and proofread with an eye to punctuation and grammar would help.

Welcome to Lit.

 

[PacifistKitty]

well sorry

i am new at the writting thing i am use to writting poems and stuff but i thought i would get into something different for a change

 

[CopyCarver]

i am new at the writting thing i am use to writting poems and stuff but i thought i would get into something different for a change

Don't be discouraged. Quite a few of us offering editing and/or feedback are pros, and we tend to be "tough graders." That's a good thing, in a way, since glossing over problem areas wouldn't help writers hone their skills.

As I said earlier, most of the glitches are minor. I'll send you some concrete suggestions tomorrow.

 

[kbate]

Please forgive me if I sounded cruel and heartless in my review, I had no such intention. I work by the assumption that writers posting on this forum want a full review as their feedback, rather than a simple "I liked it" or "it was fantastic."

I am certain you will benefit if you incorporate CC's suggestions into your work.

 

[CopyCarver]

kbate,
Forgive me if I laid a guilt trip on you--not my intention. I take the same approach myself; I made a little old nun cry last week, which, I suppose, is why I suddenly became hyper-aware of the possibilities of being misinterpreted.

kitty,
I just PM'd some suggestions that were a bit too lengthy for the board.

 

[H.P. Lustcraft]

I would like to read your story, But I can't seem to find a link to it, care to help me out?

HPL

 

[PacifistKitty]

this is my story

this is my story sorry the attachments didn't work:

School Girl’s First

Trinity was on her way home from a private Catholic girls’ school in this short plaid mini skirt with a short white dress top that had silver stars and buttons with thigh high pantyhose on with high heels that had silver stars for the buckles. Underneath her uniform she had on a matching bra and G-string that were white with roses on them.

She gazed up at the blue sky and started to wish that she could find someone who would treat her well, look great and love her for who she is. She wanted the guy about six feet tall with brown hair, blue eyes and an average build. When Trinity had gotten about one block away from the school she started to notice the trees with red, orange and some green leaves on them when she saw the guy of her dreams walking toward her. With her previous thought still ringing in her head, she stopped and acted like she was re-buckling her shoe. Noticing the rather attractive girl, he stopped and asked if she needed any help with anything.

She replied, “Just carrying my books home.”

While they were walking and talking
He asked her if she was a virgin.
Blushing slightly, she said “Yes, I am. But I want to lose my virginity sometime soon. Who wants to be a virgin forever?”

He asked her “do you want to hang out in the park for awhile.”
She replied, “Alright that’s fine with me.”

They were walking along the concrete pathway when she spotted a bunch of trees that were very colorful with red, orange, green and yellow leaves around a clearing that would give them some privacy. They were all alone nobody around as she pulled a blanket from her back pack and spread it out on the ground. She sits on the ground and pulls him down as she put her arm around his neck then smiled flirtatiously up at him as she drew him closer for a kiss. He seemed to be instantly turned on as she started to kiss around his neck and up to his ear kissing him sensually. She was enjoying it even though she was a virgin and she wanted him more because he seemed to be more experienced than she was of course. She started to kiss down his neck.

Her hands roamed down to the hem of his shirt as she put her hands underneath his shirt. He was amazed while he took a deep breathe in and started to play along.

As she started to pull off his shirt, she whispered in his ear “I want you.”
He was astonished by her bluntness and replied “I want you too.”

She got chills down her spine as he started to gently run his fingers down it. He starts to make his way to the front of her shirt while unbuttoning her shirt; he starts to fondle her breasts through her bra. As he moves his way back to her back he starts to nibble on her neck ever so gently while he unfastens her bra. Her nipples harden as the garment falls off and her nipples are exposed to the cool air. He starts to move his hand to her hardened nipples he kisses her gently on the lip. As he started to kiss down her chest toward her slender curvaceous figure, he gets to her slender curvaceous figure and starts kissing around her pierced naval that had a jewel in the shape of a star dangling from it. He started to play with the jewel moving his tongue in circles around the dangling star. As she started to rub and scratch his back, he responded by running his tongue around the top of her bikini line above her pubic region. He started to unfasten her plaid mini skirt. Her reaction was amazed as he started to take off her skirt very slowly.

He said “Do you like this.”
She replied “Yes, I do.”

He started to take off her skirt the rest of the way and saw that she had on a g-string. As he started to run his tongue at the top of her pubic area, her reaction was astonished. He started to run his fingers under the top of her g-string and down the sides of it and hooked his thumbs in and pulled down. When her g-string is totally off she pulls his head down and he takes a gasp of air as he starts to kiss around her pubic area. He started to eat her out using his tongue going around in circles on her engorged clitoris. He started to go up and down her whole pussy and sticking his tongue in her wet hole. He started teasing her engorged clitoris with his nose.

She kept saying “That she wanted his hard cock inside her.”

He started to circle around her engorged clitoris some more and she kept going wild since she has never had it done to her before. He started teasing her clitoris with his cock.

She said “Be gentle I’m still a virgin.”

As he gently starts to insert his cock he feels her hymen break. She jumped slightly when she felt it give away. Looking down he saw that it did in deed break as the trickle of blood trickled out of her. He starts to move slowly in and out of her. As he started to go faster and faster in and out

She whispered “slow down it’s my first time.”

He responded by slowing down. She feels the waves of the orgasm running through her body.

She moans “I think I’m Cumming.”
He response by stopping and says “I’m not ready for you to cum yet.”

He rolls her on top of him while she is straddling him. He guides her hips in a circular motion. She grabs his shoulders in anticipation of her up coming motions. She starts to move up and down on his pulsating shaft at her own leisurely pace, slowly building up the orgasmic pressure. He moves his hips in time with her motions working towards an orgasm of his own. As it starts to darken around them, their combined efforts produce loud orgasms that scare away the birds. As she starts to cum she feels this tingling sensation all over her body, her knees start to shake and she got chills down her spine. As he starts to cum she feels his shaft jump and feels a warm sensation spilling from his loins into her vaginal cavity. They collect their hastily discarded articles of clothing. While dressing, it suddenly struck her that she did not know his name.

She asked “what might your name be?”
He answered “My name is Joseph and what might yours be?”
She replied, while glowing, “My name is Trinity.”

After they finish dressing, he collects her books and they begin to walk noticing that it is much darker than it was when they started. As they are walking they exchange contact information. Upon reaching her house, he walks her to her door step and she turns to face him, she looks up into his eyes. He returns her gaze and leans down to plant a kiss on her pink voluptuous lips.

Minutes later they part lips, she unlocks the front door and throws it open and says, with a smirk on her face, “The night doesn’t have to end right now,” and she invites him inside.

As they walk inside she asks him if he would like to go up to her bedroom and he replies “Sure, I would love too.”

They start walking up the stairs toward her room. Joseph sees beautiful pictures of Trinity in an evening gown. Joseph turns toward Trinity and says “You are Beautiful.”

They get to her bedroom door and she opens it, Joseph sees nothing but a beautiful room that has candles in it and band posters.

While she says “I’ll be right back I am going to put something comfortable on.”
His reaction is amazed as she walks out of her bathroom in nothing but a negligee that has stars on it.

“Joseph” She says “How do I look?”
He replies “You look fantastic.”

Then Joseph asked “Do you mind if I change into something more comfortable?”
She replied “No, I do not mind.”

As Joseph makes his way toward the bathroom to change and while he is in the bathroom Trinity is lighting the candles that are in her room to make it more romantic. Joseph comes out of the bathroom in a T-shirt and his boxers and Trinity’s mouth drops as if she wants him more than ever.

“Trinity”, Joseph says “How much do you want me?”
She replies “More than you’ll ever know.”

Joseph picks her up so she is straddling him and starts to move toward the bed to lay her down, he lays her on the bed while he takes off his boxers and pulls off her negligee. He starts to spread her legs to get on top of her; she starts to pull him in for the action once again as he starts to penetrate her pussy. He starts out moving slow then gets faster and faster she starts to moan more and more.

She starts to say “I’m going to cum.”
Then he started to slow down and say “I don’t want you to cum yet.”
He starts to pump it more and more, as she screams out “I’M CUMMING.” He says “Cum Baby Cum.”

She starts to cum and so does he. They start tingling, twitching and shaking as they both cum at the same time as each other.

Trinity said “I’m going to take a shower and you can take one after me.”

While trinity is in the shower Joseph started to get dressed, as Joseph starts to walk out of the bedroom.
Trinity comes out of the bathroom and says “Where are you going?” Joseph said “I have to get to work.”
Trinity said “well hang on let me walk you out.”
Then Joseph said “alright.”
As Joseph is leaving Trinity goes back into the house to do her homework she had to do.

The End

 

[PacifistKitty]

Here is my new story hope you like..

In The Warm Waterfalls Water

One night on this beautiful mountain there was a guy with his beloved fiancé.

They were in front of this beautiful waterfall with trees and flowers all around, the trees were beautiful with there green and yellow leaves all around, the waterfall’s water was sparkling and glimmering in the moon lights ray.

He told her “You are very beautiful especially under this light.”
She responded “You are very sweet and I can’t wait to marry you.”
He responded “Gasp, Really.”, “I can’t wait to see you in the moon light on our wedding night.”

They started to eat a little dinner and drink some wine and gaze at each other in the beautiful moon light, the water start to trickle on her shoulder and he started to undress her. They both started to get undress so they could skinny dip in the warm spring water coming out of the waterfall.

He asked her “Would you like to swim with me under this beautiful star lit night?”
She answered “Of Course, I can’t wait to get in the warm spring water and relax with my baby.”
He said “your sweet and I want to stay here with you forever.”
She said “let’s get in before we get cold.”

They got in the warm spring water and started to swim around and relax, As they got into the water her nipples started to harden and stick out, his dick started to become hard, They got into the water and everything started to glimmer and shine underneath the water and it lit up there faces so they could see each others faces and look into each others eyes.

Then they started to kiss each others necks, lips and chest while in the water, the water kept rising and lowering as they kiss as they start to get a little more intimate they heard a beautiful bird singing her own little lullaby. They start to get out of the water and lay on a smooth fleece blanket, he sits on the ground and pulls her hand so she sits down and starts to have foreplay with him and turn him on more than he has ever been turned on.

He starts to kiss down her chest toward her nipples and circles his tongue over and around her hardened nipples, as she starts to moan, he starts to go toward her naval and nibbling his way down toward her honey pot, she starts to scratch his back and moan louder.

Her honey pot glistens in the moon light and twinkles when the light hits it as she gets wetter and wetter, while her fiancé starts to go down on her she stops moaning for about 5 minutes just to say. “I love you.”

He says “I love you too.”
Her response “I want to be with you forever in this beautiful world and here at this beautiful waterfall on the mountain.”

He starts to eat her out faster and faster moving his tongue around in circles over her enlarged clitoris and tease her by rubbing his nose over her clitoris when he isn’t licking her honey pot, As he is eating her out she starts to scream and moan his name as loud as she can. Then she starts to give him head and she puts her hand at the bottom of his shaft and puts her mouth at the top and starts to move her mouth up and down, her hand moves with her movements and he starts to move his hips up and down going in the same rhythm as she does, he starts to pull her up on top of him to make love to her for as long as possible.

She starts to move her hips back and forth grinding his shaft and up against his pelvic bone, then he starts to pump up and down and move his hips faster and faster against her.

She starts to say “I’m going to cum, I’m going to cum.”
He says “cum baby, cum for me baby, cum all over this hard dick.”

She starts to go faster and faster and then she screams out “I’m Cumming, I’m Cumming.” He starts pumping her harder and harder till she cam all over his hard dick. Then he rolls her over so she is on bottom and starts pumping her as fast as he can go as he started to flinch she felt his dick inside of her moving as he cam inside of her.

Then they got dressed since it was about 5 am they needed to go to work that morning. They started to walk to there car and they started the car up and left there beautiful mountain and waterfall, they told each other that they should come back to there wonderful warm spring waterfall place again.

The next night they went back up to there waterfall and just wanted to relax with each other and talk in private, And spend time together instead of with other people around them so they started to talk about there wedding.

She asked him “Will you help me pick out my wedding dress?”
He replied “Sure, no problem.” “I want to pick out the most beautiful dress that you would look like an angel in.”
She responded “Oh my god, Can I stay with you forever and for always.”
He said “Of Course, I would never want to lose my angel that I found only 10 sweet months ago.”

Her response was just looking up in his hazel eyes and kissing him gently on the lips and wishing they could stay at the mountain all the time and never having to go back to work.

Then she said “I think we should go it is staring to get cold out and I am pretty chilly out here anyway.”
He said “I guess we should go so we do not get a cold.”

So they left and were coming back in a couple of weeks after they had their talk near there waterfall.

The End

 

[kbate]

Please read through both of your stories, and count the number of times you use the words: started, starts, starts to, started to. Why don't they ever complete an action. always starting to do everything.

She starts to say “I’m going to cum, I’m going to cum.”
When I read this, I wonder Ok, she started to say that, but what did she actually say, or what did she say afterward.


You tend to get stuck on repetitive adjectives and nouns: beautiful, honey pot, moonlight, warm spring water, etc.. There are literally thousands of words which can be used to change your descriptions and prevent the story from becoming monotonous.

Your/You're, There/Their/They're - close but not the same.

Still need to punctuate your quotations properly.

He said, "what he said."
Paragraph
"What she replied," she replied.

------------
I won't bother you again with suggestions or grammar tips if you don't want them.

 

[PacifistKitty]

thats ok

i am just learning this stuff since in school when i was going they were not teaching me any of this shitlol if you want to give me more advice or anything email me at paganskitty16@aol.com

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Hi, Kitty. Hang in there, practice makes perfect.

I was intimidated by dialogue when I started my first story, and found this (hilarious) lesson to be very helpful: http://www.freegaysex.com/nifty/information/dialog-lesson

More excellent advice on other aspects can be found nearby at http://www.freegaysex.com/nifty/information/.

But the key is just writing, so you are doing the right thing, and I admire your guts for putting your stuff out there. (I had been writing as part of my "real world" job for years before I wrote and posted my first story here.)

 

[indianPilot]

You may find some useful tips here

http://indianpilot.tripod.com/

Although we are primarly a BDSM orientated page - you might find some of the basic writing tips and suggestions helpful in expanding your writing ability

indianPilot

 

[BrentT]

i am new at the writting thing i am use to writting poems and stuff but i thought i would get into something different for a change

You're looking for feedback on your "writting."

Some guy yesterday was asking for comments on something he had "writen."

May I suggest that if you want to be taken at all seriously, that you treat the language with respect and learn the basics first? I don't think these are mere typos. I really believe you don't know how to spell even at a grade four level.

I'm amazed that people reply seriously to these posts.

<shakes head>

BT

 

[kbate]

I'm amazed that people reply seriously to these posts.

It comes from a desire to assist rather than to abuse, there is little point in posting insults. Even the poorest writers can learn, but few will attempt to improve if we only spend our effort in tearing them down.

Whether this particular writer ever improves to a publishable level is irrelevant, negative criticism would have served no useful purpose.

 

[BrentT]

It comes from a desire to assist rather than to abuse, there is little point in posting insults. Even the poorest writers can learn, but few will attempt to improve if we only spend our effort in tearing them down.

Whether this particular writer ever improves to a publishable level is irrelevant, negative criticism would have served no useful purpose.

Where's the abuse in asking somebody to please respect the language? If somebody won't take the time to learn how to spell to a reasonable level, how is it an insult if I point that out? If I want to be taken seriously at something, I'm going to at least try to make it look like I'm putting some effort into doing it well.

The following quote is from an item that appeared in Scientific American in January:

"Boosting people's sense of self-worth has become a national preoccupation. Yet surprisingly, research shows that such efforts are of little value in fostering academic progress or preventing undesirable behavior. Some findings even suggest that artificially boosting self-esteem may lower subsequent academic performance."

This isn't an elementary school class, it's a forum for adults pursuing adult interests that use the English language.

Why does it not surprise me that the moderator of this forum, in his first posting here, used a word in the subject line that is not in the dictionary because it is misspelled?

 

[kbate]

Where's the abuse in asking somebody to please respect the language? // snip for brevity //This isn't an elementary school class, it's a forum for adults pursuing adult interests that use the English language.

First, this is an internet bulletin board, open to anyone capable of submitting a simple form. I see no "Dickens Only" sign on the banner page.

I fail to see where anyone boosted the self esteem of this writer, quite the opposite; out of the first 6 people responding, 5 suggested the story had grammar problems of one magnitude or another.

When I stop laughing about the "Scientific American" quote and the language used in that paragraph, I might take time to read the article. The use of multiple adverbial qualifiers and blanket generalisation already raises suspicion about the validity of their findings. Regardless, the argument is irrelevant to this thread as I see little esteem boosting being conducted.

Perhaps I should have stated:
"Your story is poorly written and is of no value; poor punctuation, many misspellings and improper grammar make it nearly unreadable." I do not in what manner this would help the writer or do more than make me feel good for telling the absolute truth.

I consider this forum (story feedback) a place for marginal writers to improve and for good writers to seek praise and critique from their peers. That stated, I would love to see every writer at least run their work through spell check before submission or posting on this forum; easy to find spelling errors are annoying.

 

[Miyana Books]

Sounds like it was written by a fourth grader

Much work needed, where to begin

 

[BrentT]

I consider this forum (story feedback) a place for marginal writers to improve and for good writers to seek praise and critique from their peers.

>hi i am looking for some feedback to my first story.now tell me how you like this i added on some more things. i made some changes to this story this morning so tell me what you think..

Disregarding even the most basic rules of English is not the mark of somebody who wants to be taken seriously in a forum populated by writers, marginal or otherwise. It is either the work of somebody under 18 who shouldn't be here in the first place, and / or somebody who has zero respect for English (didn't get taught this 'shit' in school...).

That's all I wanted to say.