I'm New At This

[Lance Stallworth]

Hey, folks. I'm new to the whole writing erotic stories business and these are my first three efforts. Any feedback is appreciated.


http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=411217&page=submissions

 

[BlackShanglan]

Lance -

I chose to read "Brenda." I am commenting as I read, so this is something of a paragraph-by-paragraph reaction to the story. I'll put some more general comments at the end when I know what I'm talking about

I like your desciption of her - good and evocative, and I get a sense of the speaker's voice as well. The "apple-green" eyes are for some reason particularly catching my attention as a nice detail.

I had some logistical issues with this quotation:

Based on the fact that she was Homecoming Queen at her high school and her Abercrombie and Fitch attire, I just figured she was the average stuck up chick. On the first day of the second semester when I saw her sitting in the front row of my African-American Studies class, I realized I was wrong. She noticed me in the back and smiled, I smiled back. In the small class of 25, she was one of three White students.

I'm not sure how he could know she was the homecoming queen unless he talked to her at a bit of length (he mentions chatting from time to time but seems to suggest it's cursory). I can't imagine that she drops that into small talk on a regular basis - if she does, then one might assume that she really is vain. My qualm here is that if they've talked that much, he ought to be feeling a little more comfortable near her and be less likely to feel that she's stuck up. If they haven't talked that much, it's pushing me a bit to have me believe that he knows this homecoming queen detail.

I like her presence in the African-American Studies class, but I'm not sure that her mere presence would be enough to radically alter my perception of her. That is ... perhaps I am the cautious sort, but I'd be more swayed by the things she says and does in it the class than by her simple appearance in it on the first day. It's not a huge deal, but I'd buy the "I realized I was wrong" a bit more if it came at least after the paragraph giving the speaker's thoughts on what it means that she is there.

And that was that. I was disappointed that I couldn't think of anything clever to say to her. I had talked to her a million times in passing but now all of a sudden I was a nervous wreck. I tried to forget about it as I took a deep breath and proceeded to my next class. All I could think about all day was Brenda.

This does a good job of capturing that breathless, nervous sense of suddenly being brought into contact with someone one is attracted to. I could, however, use a little more buildup to that attraction. She goes from stuck-up prom queen to exciting enough to make him a nervous wreck in a single class period. I think I would be better persuaded by one of two angles: either some indication that he's fancied her before, and now has just added the sense that she might be approachable, or some sense that her presence in that class connects in some special way or is what has made her attractive - one of those "moment of realization" / "saw her in a new light" things that can be tricky to pull off, but which would explain the sudden new direction of the speaker's thoughts.

*laugh* I like the topic for the group work. Very cute.

"Yeah, she's in the shower. She told me to let you in," she replied with a grin. I watched Sarah's firm ass sway beneath her tight blue jeans as I Followed her into the room.

There's a little misplaced capitalization on "Followed." No big deal.

At this stage, not knowing where the story is going, I am having trouble interpreting the speaker's reactions to Sarah as she gets ready to go out. He lingers on sexual details and seems to indicate desire. As the reader, I am wondering if this is a clue that some sort of encounter will later be taking place. I'm also a little muddled because I can't figure out where the speaker is directing his attention; first he's jazzed about talking to Brenda, but then he seems to be giving all of his attention to her roommate. He also didn't seem to need the cultural connection of the class to get interested in her roommate, so why did it take that added impetus with Brenda?

Shortly, Brenda emerged from the bathroom. I was not at all prepared for what I was about to witness. Her tight, muscular body was wrapped in a towel and beads of water were sliding down her skin. She looked like a goddess stepping out of a lake.

Nice description. It's enticing. I am weighing the options, however. She steps out of her shower alone in the room with a man she does not know well and chooses to appear only in a towel. Is she 1) on the pull or 2) insane? I'm hoping the former, of course.

I asked her the one thing that had been on my mind (besides sex) since seeing her this morning.

This made me smile. I like the mixture of noble and human sentiments.

"See, I disagree. I don't think a bastard hybrid of two cultures can be considered culture. Especially not when it was brought about by force and degradation."

"You have a beautiful mind."

On a purely stylistic level, it's hard to feel "beautiful" coming out of "bastard," "force," and "degradation." I respect the speaker's anger on the topic, but anger is rarely beautiful. I also have an inherent mistrust of anyone who is so angry with his or her own culture; that makes me wary of the speaker. I'll keep my own quibbles on "bastard hybrid" ideology for another day and another forum, but will put in a good word for Salman Rushdie and his "celebration of the mongrel."

I like the speaker's recognition that he's made assumptions about Brenda that are as invalid as those others have made about him. The dialogue there is perhaps just a touch stilted, but the ideas are interesting and not too pretentiously put (sometimes a problem when attempting to convey a philosophical point).

Her move on him physically seems rather sudden. It does relieve my tension re: the whole "coming out in a towel" issue by making it clear that seduction is on her mind, but if that's the case it would help to have some hints in the lead-up - say, some mention that she's not all business while they are working on the class project, perhaps some furtive glances or more obvious come-ons. That would make me a little more prepared for her suddenly grabbing for his cock.

She grabbed my cock at the base and smacked herself in the forehead with it.

I can't quite fathom the significance of this particular detail.

You know, until the sex scene I really felt that the dialogue and voicing were good - original, real, and well-voiced. I have to admit that in the sex scene you're losing me. It's sounding more and more like porno dialogue as we go through. If all he really wants is a bit of "ooh fuck me harder baby," why linger over the whole issue of her showing up in the African American Studies class? Why not just have him head right across the hall first day of the semester and ball the hot prom queen? I'd really rather see the story in which some sense of intellectual, cultural, and emotional connection is significant, but here the sex scene is undercutting that for me.

"Oh, my God. Put it in, baby. Fuck me with that big, black cock."

Sorry, that rings all kinds of alarm bells to me. That sounds more like a woman seeking a stereotype of black masculinity than someone who really wants to learn about him as a person or about his culture as a whole. It drastically reduces my opinion of the female protagonist. Mind you, my sense of dissapointment comes largely from your suggestion in the beginning that this would be more than a story about a sterotyped nympho craving stereotyped black cock, but I feel that that is a valid complaint. One should make good on one's promises to one's readers.

On the same line, it seemed to end rather abruptly. Looking back, I feel a bit cheated. I assumed that the leadup discussions of culture, connection, and rejection of snap assumptions were leading to some emotional or intellectual revelation or initmacy. Instead, it ended in a sex scene that really didn't sync with the opening. I also never got that loose end of the roommate tied up, so I am a little frustrated there.

I see two possible rememdies, because this appears to be pieces of two seperate stories welded together. You can go for the hot sex scene, which needs very little introduction, but which I would caution you will be very much like most other interracial "stroke." Alternatively, you could flesh this out and make a more distinctive and, to my mind, more interesting story. However, I think you would need to work at considerably more length integrating those ideas of culture, assumptions, connections, and interaction between the two leads.

I hope that some of that is useful to you, if only to give you a chance to argue passionately against all of it

Shanglan

 

[Varian P]

"Brenda" and Sexy Librarians"

Hi Lance.

I read "Brenda," as well as "Sexy Librarians." Since Shanglan critiqued the former, I'll focus mainly on the latter.

You've got some pretty hot action going, and some nice, juicy descriptions. I find myself saying this a lot, and maybe it's just my thing, but I'd really have liked more description of how things felt. You give a lot of choreography, but for me the arousal comes as much, if not more, from knowing how it feels to the character—and by this I mean more specific than "it felt good/amazing/incredible," etc.

And now, onto Lance's huge cock…

She unzipped my pants and her hand quickly found my cock.
“God, it’s so big.” I stepped out of my pants and she began fondling my balls.

“Oh fuck that feels good.” She yelled as all of my eight inches slid into her.

To me, both of these lines tell the reader that the guy's well-hung. However, the first is rather sexy dirty talk, while "all of my eight inches" makes me think ruler while I'd much rather be imagining something else. I much prefer the later line "my thick rod." However, as the story goes on, there are a few too many references to prick size, for my taste— I'm already picturing a big cock and the repetition gets distracting after a while.

A few thoughts on "Brenda" :

Like Shanglan, I liked "apple green eyes."

Initially I had the same reaction Shanglan did to the change of heart about Brenda based on her presence in the African American studies class, but then when I re-read the paragraph I thought that what changed his mind was her smiling at him. If it's her friendliness, or a combination of that and her interest in black culture, you may want to fill this out a bit to make it more clear.

Like Shanglan I had some problems with the philosophical exchange in the bedroom, but my issues were somewhat different: I felt like the conversation about African American culture detracted from the eroticism you'd been building. Don't get me wrong, I love it that your characters are connecting on an intellectual level, and it's not that I don't think this conversation can take place in an erotic story—it's just that as it stands you story is very short, and you've got limited space to build and carry out the sexual momentum, and I felt like that exchange was a jolting speed bump after the initial tension of Brenda emerging damp and towel-clad from the shower. I'd just advise thinking about where you want the reader's mind at this juncture. Perhaps you'd be better served letting them have this conversation in the hall after class—something to give him a bit more evidence of her depth before he forgives her Abercrombie/homecoming queen sins.

I also felt a bit like this story has a split personality—one part trying to be about a budding sexual friendship, the other part being a bit of blacksploitation stroke. Not that the former can't be just as graphic, but it feels like it never quite gets developed. At the same time, if you're just going for the stroke, the revelations about Brenda and their intellectual exchange feels extraneous. In my opinion, you should think about what these characters want from each other, and really develop that, whether it's a nasty fuck or a deeper friendship with benefits.

Well! So much for focusing on "Librarians!"

Hope some of what I've said is at least vaguely helpful.

-Varian

 

[Lance Stallworth]

Shanglan and Varian thanks a lot for your criticism. Apparently I have a lot of work to do if I'm going to improve and I appreciate both of your thoughtful, in-depth comments. It seems like the biggest problem of "Brenda" was that there was the intellectual/cultural connection or whatever and then there was also the filthy sex scene. What I was trying to do was show an intellectual connection as well as a filthy sexual connection, as I don't see the two as being mutually exclusive. I guess I didn't do a very good job of that. I don't know, perhaps I'll change some shit around resubmit. Thanks again for the feedback.

 

[Varian P]

Lance,

I am in absolute agreement that filthy sex, cultural commentary, and lofty intellectual sentiments can co-exist in a single story, and that's far and away my preference. I'm much longer in getting to it, but I hope that all of my stories incorporate all of these things.

I just think it's tremendously difficult to do both in the short space you gave yourself in "Brenda." Probably you can make the meaningful discussion and the raunchy sex work in tandem quite well. In my opinion, you might do two things toward this end:

1) Structure the story carefully so the cultural conversations and the raunchy sex have their greatest impact and don't get in the way of each other.

2)Develop the characters and their relationship a bit further, give it the depth it needs so that we can feel both aspects of their connection as genuine. It's been a while now since I read "Brenda," but as I recall, it struck me that they seemed to be forming a deeper connection, then during the filthy sex (which is in no way inimical to that deeper connection) she seemed to just become kind of a fuck toy for him, and then when they cuddled and went to sleep together it felt a bit schizophrenic.

As I said, it's been a while since I've read it--forgive me if I'm way off base--but one thing I think would have helped is to have some of their budding intimacy come through during the sex--that doesn't mean it should be any less nasty--just let me see their personalities a bit more during the acrobatics.

Hope that's helpful--I do appreciate that you're creating a story with more to it than a random shag.

Best,
Varian