I'm nervous about seeing my best friend again

[Lovepotion69]

One of my oldest and best friends is back home in Sweden since a month back after her husband died in cancer. They found out April 2002, got married in June/July and he died February this year. They are/were both 23 y/o.

I've been in touch with her during this period now and then and from what I understand (the little she's told me) things were really bad the last half year. He was very sick and his personality was distorted. He yelled, he screamed and called her names. At the same time he needed her to be there for him 24/7 and she couldn't even leave the house without him calling her two minutes later. She had hardly any life apart from taking care of him.

I can't even imagine what she's been going through this past year, and now she's trying to get over his death. I will probably meet her when I go back to Sweden, but I don't know what to say or do.
I've told her I'm there if she needs to talk, but she doesn't need to if it's too hard. The thing is, how can I be there for her in the best way?

 

[curious2c]

Be her friend. Talk of old times...let the conversation take it's own direction. It is hard, you want to help, to console, but sometimes just being there is the best thing to do.

 

[Guest]

Be her friend. Talk of old times...let the conversation take it's own direction. It is hard, you want to help, to console, but sometimes just being there is the best thing to do.

Oh, you're such a sweetie!



I second what C2c says, LP

 

[Lovepotion69]

Be her friend. Talk of old times...let the conversation take it's own direction. It is hard, you want to help, to console, but sometimes just being there is the best thing to do.

That's pretty much what I've done so far. The times I've called I would of course ask how things were etc, but then I'd try to tell about my life and update her about our common friends and we'd have a laugh about that.

It's a bit hard to know what to do in general when it comes to these things, and with her. Well, the way she's reacted everytime something big happened (the day they found out and the day he died) she sent out a request through her family that she didn't want people calling etc. I didn't mind it too much, some people just need time by themselves to let things sink in, but many of our common friends felt like she was pushing them and their friendship away. We didn't know how to be there if she wouldn't even take a call from us, and we wanted to show we were there but not step on her feet and not respect her wishes.

It's still a bit of that feeling, want to be there, but how far do we dare to go? She's great at comforting others and listening and being there. When it comes to herself she tries to deal with things alone.

 

[La Huesera]

One of my best friends husband died at the end of Jan in a car accident. He was only 40, and she is 30. They have a son that turned six the day before his fathers funeral. I have been there for her as much as I possible can. She has cried on me, screamed at me, and talked to me about what is going on. You just have to be there for her..when she is ready to talk, she will. However, be ready. When it starts to come out..EVERYTHING will come out. The good and the bad. So if you tell her that you are there for her she might take her frustrations out on you. It is to be expected. You just have to keep in mind that she is hurting, and is not meaning to hurt you. Just stick beside her... she will need you. Good luck

LH

 

[Lovepotion69]

One of my best friends husband died at the end of Jan in a car accident. He was only 40, and she is 30. They have a son that turned six the day before his fathers funeral. I have been there for her as much as I possible can. She has cried on me, screamed at me, and talked to me about what is going on. You just have to be there for her..when she is ready to talk, she will. However, be ready. When it starts to come out..EVERYTHING will come out. The good and the bad. So if you tell her that you are there for her she might take her frustrations out on you. It is to be expected. You just have to keep in mind that she is hurting, and is not meaning to hurt you. Just stick beside her... she will need you. Good luck

LH

Thanks LH for your post. Good to know what I have to be prepaired to deal with if/when she chooses to talk. I did write her a long letter a while after he passed away. I don't care who she talks too, as long as she has someone to talk to. I guess it's mainly her family. She said in an email recently that she's either really bad off or pretty ok during the days. Nothing inbetween.

 

[scrymettet]

Go to her and you will see. Be not afraid of the unknown
An open heart is seldon refuse.
Don't push her, speak of the mundane, you,your live, your study.
If she want to,she will open the gates. If not,love her anyway.

 

[Sailbad the Sinner]

Give her a gentle kiss on her cheek to show your loving care. Give her a second kiss on the cheek, lingering a bit. If no objections, kiss her on the lips, again gently, just a wisp. If she recoils, back off, if not, lick her lips.......

 

[Lovepotion69]

Give her a gentle kiss on her cheek to show your loving care. Give her a second kiss on the cheek, lingering a bit. If no objections, kiss her on the lips, again gently, just a wisp. If she recoils, back off, if not, lick her lips.......

I'm not her type and she's not my type. Sorry.

 

[La Huesera]

Thanks LH for your post. Good to know what I have to be prepaired to deal with if/when she chooses to talk. I did write her a long letter a while after he passed away. I don't care who she talks too, as long as she has someone to talk to. I guess it's mainly her family. She said in an email recently that she's either really bad off or pretty ok during the days. Nothing inbetween.

That is how my friend is..either ok or really bad. You should check around the net or at a local library..I am sure there are articals and books that will help you to understand what she is dealing with and what you can do to help her. There is really nothing you can do except be there for her. This is a journey that she has to travel on her own.. but you can be a nice resting spot for her as she goes.

LH

 

[Georgia Girl]

Look for a book called "I wasn't ready to say good-bye"

It is the one I have heard mentioned the most as being helpful with recent deaths to those near me.

Be her friend, let her talk, just be there.

One thing I recall from the book was a reference to the fact that so many will say "Just call if you need me" but for those going through it picking up the phone takes something they don't have so you need to be the one to call.

 

[Lovepotion69]

Look for a book called "I wasn't ready to say good-bye"

It is the one I have heard mentioned the most as being helpful with recent deaths to those near me.

Be her friend, let her talk, just be there.

One thing I recall from the book was a reference to the fact that so many will say "Just call if you need me" but for those going through it picking up the phone takes something they don't have so you need to be the one to call.

Thanks Georgia Girl. I'll check it out in the bookstore this week.

I did call her now and then, but when you hear someone spelling it out "Do not call me", you also don't want to push the limits. She might need a moment to get used to stuff happening and having heaps of people calling I guess might make it worse. The problem for most of my friends and I were that we didn't know when we dared contacting her after hearing her say that. Normally I would start off with an email. Then wait a few weeks before calling.

 

[LukkyKnight]

You gotta do what feels right to you. Listen to the intuition, the instinct, the inner voice, and trust yourself to get it right enough.