I'm in need of some feedback

[SevenOfSpade]

I just worte a story and there was not much feedback. So I'm posting it up to let ppl read and feedback. http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=427529

Thanks,
SevenOfSpade

 

[_Lynn_]

You're in serious need of some good editing for one thing. I see errors in punctuation, word usage, etc., throughout. There's a good chance readers clicked out for that reason alone.


I would have stopped after reading your beginning paragraphs alone.

She was short, about 5'2, with honey blond hair and an attractive ass. Wearing a tight baby blue blouse that hugged her slender figure well, I could notice her nice, medium sized breasts, a vague guess placing the size at B peeking out from under her clothing. Her top nicely paired her slim jeans, accentuating her ass perfectly.

Armed with a cute baby face topped with luscious pink lips, she was indeed a jewel among the more plain students who studied at my school.



Petite, with honey blonde hair, she was a jewel among the other students who studied at my school.

This as a first sentence would make me wonder why? What sets her apart from the other students? Tearing apart the entire first two paragraphs to make one sentence might be a bit drastic. It's just an example.


****

A month passed. We met up at the lockers every day and I always walked her to class. As time passed, so did our bond. Did their bond pass? This makes little sense to me.

I hailed a cab to her house, and with each passing street, the houses grew noticeably bigger and grander. As I got off the cab, I noticed her house had a small porch and a garden with a pond in the middle. He was riding on the cab? Wouldn't he get out of the cab? I can't quite picture a small porch on what you just said is a bigger and grander house. The two images don't fit for me.

****

I could list many errors and issues I found, but that isn't necessary. The lack of feedback isn't uncommon, since many of us have the same issue. However, in this case, the numerous problems with the piece itself could be part of it as well.

I'd suggest several things:

1. Do some reading from the Top Lists to learn from there.
2. Check the local library for how-to and reference books.
3. Writing groups are a big help if they're available.
4. Before you submit anything else, find an editor.



Just my opinion.

 

[SevenOfSpade]

Ah, thanks ML, but how about my style, since grammar could be corrected. I'm wondering does my style appeal people out there.

 

[CWatson]

Define "style".

If by "style" you mean, the way you use prose, I have to say that I personally did not find much in the way of artful language in your story. I realize that this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black, since my own prose is rarely anything special, but it takes one to know one. The language you use in your piece is serviceable: it gets the job done. Nothing much else can be said about it.

If you mean the content of the story, well, there's not too much to write home about either. It's a story of attraction coming to fruition, with a little more emphasis on character and plot than is usual in Erotic Couplings, but it's been seen and been done before. I liked it, personally, but I cannot in good conscience describe it as "exceptional". To be honest, that would have to be your story's defining trait in my opinion: it is average. Neither excellent nor poor; neither plain nor adorned. It just... is.

This is an excellent start; it's depressing how many writers on this site can't evne manage "average", so you're already in the top, what, 30% of authors on this site. But you've still a ways to go before your stories start making ripples.

 

[SevenOfSpade]

Oh? Thanks very much CW. Think I'm going to continue writing like that. I shall to try write my prose better. Thx for your feedback.

 

[SevenOfSpade]

Bumps for good measure. Anymore feedback???

 

[Mac98]

I disagree with MistressLynn. I got a lot of negative feedback when I posted my first story up because of, perhaps, 3 spelling errors (that I noticed afterwards). I think people tend to get a little anal about these things. 2 people gave me 1 star because of 3 spelling errors, I mean come on.

I agree that it's important to re-read your story and eliminate the most possible errors, but we're all human and WILL make mistakes. I say your story was good, I enjoyed it. I think it IS important to check grammar, but don't freak out over it. The people who can't get passed a few spelling errors on an AMATEUR EROTIC WRITING site should get their heads re-examined (imo).

I'm not attacking Mistress, btw, I'm attacking the others who just won't let it go and sabotage ratings because of it.

 

[SevenOfSpade]

I disagree with MistressLynn. I got a lot of negative feedback when I posted my first story up because of, perhaps, 3 spelling errors (that I noticed afterwards). I think people tend to get a little anal about these things. 2 people gave me 1 star because of 3 spelling errors, I mean come on.

I agree that it's important to re-read your story and eliminate the most possible errors, but we're all human and WILL make mistakes. I say your story was good, I enjoyed it. I think it IS important to check grammar, but don't freak out over it. The people who can't get passed a few spelling errors on an AMATEUR EROTIC WRITING site should get their heads re-examined (imo).

I'm not attacking Mistress, btw, I'm attacking the others who just won't let it go and sabotage ratings because of it.

Hehe, persoanlly, I find ML a good editor but I can't say your wrong. Some people are really asswipes, but then there are always critics. Ah well, I guess one man's meat is another man's poison. I just read your story "Lake House Love". IMO, it's a great story. Nice style of writing

SevenOfSpade

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Ah, thanks ML, but how about my style, since grammar could be corrected. I'm wondering does my style appeal people out there.

Hi, Seven,

ML is one of the best editors on lit and if you go back and read what she said very carefully, she was talking about style as well as grammar.

IMHO, your structure is flawed. You should jump into a story with action, not description. Hair length and color can seep out later, if required.

The essence of storytelling is to wrap us in your web. not spend paragraphs describing people and places. Action and emotion should drive a virile plot. If you, as narrator, lead vigorously, us readers will follow - but you must be the lion leading the sheep.

You have style and ability and if ML would take you on, you would be posting super stories.

 

[sr71plt]

There indeed are many readers who just come here for the content and can overlook grammatical errors that aren't intrusive (and if they aren't particularly grammar experts themselves, there will be a lot errors they won't find intrusive simply because they won't see them as errors). And I think posting of these stories, targetted to those readers is fine.

It's when you start asking "how am I doing" that you're inviting folks to tell you how you're doing in the presentation field.

So, if you don't want those sorts of comments, don't . . .

 

[Elianna]

I personally can't seem to get "passed" certain errors.

(Not to say I'm perfect)

 

[_Lynn_]

Hehe, persoanlly, I find ML a good editor but I can't say your wrong. Some people are really asswipes, but then there are always critics. Ah well, I guess one man's meat is another man's poison. I just read your story "Lake House Love". IMO, it's a great story. Nice style of writing

SevenOfSpade

Hi, Seven,

ML is one of the best editors on lit and if you go back and read what she said very carefully, she was talking about style as well as grammar.

IMHO, your structure is flawed. You should jump into a story with action, not description. Hair length and color can seep out later, if required.

The essence of storytelling is to wrap us in your web. not spend paragraphs describing people and places. Action and emotion should drive a virile plot. If you, as narrator, lead vigorously, us readers will follow - but you must be the lion leading the sheep.

You have style and ability and if ML would take you on, you would be posting super stories.

Thanks

 

[SevenOfSpade]

Feedback

Well, I understand that feedback has negative as well as positve, so I don't really mind if there is negative comments. Every story would surely have bad points, so I want to know more if possible, on my bad points. Thank you all for the lovely feedbacks and please keep 'em coming.

SevenOfSpade

 

[SevenOfSpade]

Second Story

I'm going to start my second story, and I would want to know my mistakes as soon as possible so I would not repeat them. And I would like to know some of the good points or bad points of my style, so I could continue writing in that style.
So please guide me.

Yous faithfully,
SevenOfSpade