I'm in BIG TROUBLE and need your advice

[Image]

I apologize in advance for the length of this post but I don't know where else to turn to for advice. I don't think the mentality of it exists outside of Lit posters to understand...
Since I found this site and began posting I have always tried to include my husband. He is not interested... I post very sexual exchanges with him sitting five feet from me and even discuss it with him from time to time. He never seemed to care one way or the other for my antics as long as they didn't cross any boundaries such as PMing, Email exchanges or personal contacts. We have treated this site as an adventure in role playing (which he cares not for), much like actors relate to each other on screen. I am aware of the fragility of this loophole but so far we had been able to live with it....
Well, all that changed yesterday. He happened to be passing by the monitor while I was responding to a certain thread of pictures. It wasn't even a particularly flirtatious response, IMO. But then something snapped in him and to oversimplify it, "character to character" suddenly became "one human being to another human being". It wasn't Image writing at that point, it became his wife cheating on him...
I use Lit for many reasons.... self expression, discovery, etc. A secret cyber affair is not on the list...
To make a long story short the debate of the afternoon escalated to an ugly, name calling event by bedtime. (BTW, I am neither a whore, slut or tramp in R/L, no matter my persona on the boards.) In the end he gave me an ultimatum..... Choose either Lit or him. I begged him not to force my hand...
We have been married for 20+ years and I have never given him reason to mistrust me nor will I ever, so this was not a "once bitten, twice shy" response. I will say this though... Of the 20 years, 19 have been virtually sexless, not loveless, sexless. I was so bored I began to question my hetero status. Since coming to Lit I know this is not the case. I was bored not gay... Now I have been sexually awakened and he wants even less sex, if that is possible. (Yes, I see the irony in helping to create the beasts we have both become.) He says my increased sex drive frightens him and he actually physically shrinks back from my advances sometimes. However sad, that is another issue....
So the question now is what to do....Obviously if he forces my hand, I will have to choose him. But then I worry about the fundamental resentment I will feel and the permanent damage it will do to our relationship. Can someone unbiased here walk me through the psychology of what has happened? Has my obsession with erotica blinded me to his point of view? Am I addicted to porn as he says or just this site? It isn't JUST about the sex here, I've explained that to him... And am I the only one to see that if I leave, not only will I have lost my avenue to vent but will not be able to replace it with R/L sex, then what?
I am about to explode with grief and with passion... with the threat of losing a lifelong investment in my marriage and the threat of losing my newfound sense of self...
Any suggestions on how to fix this?

 

[modest mouse]

My advice, which is free, is to use smaller paragraphs to break up your posts. Allow for easier reading and thus more responses.

 

[Dantetier]

I think he's being oversensetive. As long as the rules for talking to listers were established and followed, he shouldn't be complaining. The simple fact that he is forcing you to either drop him or the Board is telling of his mentality, however, and coupled with the 19 years of sexlessness, there is obviously something lacking.

Are there children from this marriage? and if yes, how old are they? I don't mean to pry, but it helps with figuring out solutions.

 

[april-wine]

Really you must decide if you can live in a sexless marriage....Obviously sex isn't the be all end all, but everyone needs some touch...some show of affection....It is obvious your husband is suddenly feeling threatened, he is not used to seeing this side of you....It frightens him, I am here wondering what exactly frightens him....The fact that maybe you are sexual person, that he isn't giving you what you want...what you need...

I think this really more about him than you....He should have never said those things he said to you though....Being here at Lit makes you neither a slut or a whore....I hope you work things out in a way that can give you both happiness....

 

[Image]

I think he's being oversensetive. As long as the rules for talking to listers were established and followed, he shouldn't be complaining. The simple fact that he is forcing you to either drop him or the Board is telling of his mentality, however, and coupled with the 19 years of sexlessness, there is obviously something lacking.

Are there children from this marriage? and if yes, how old are they? I don't mean to pry, but it helps with figuring out solutions.

No children anymore...

 

[intrigued]

I am VERY short on time, but I invite you to PM me whenever you have time, I just can't help you much at the moment. I will be home tomorrow, (I'm out of town) and I really would like to talk to you.
I do think that you need help from a professional, but I understand the urgency of your thoughts at the moment...it's just not something that anyone here can REALLY help you with.
I look forward to talking with you soon. Until then, I hope talking to him ALOT more will be at the top of your list.
I'm sending you my best postive thoughts...take care.

 

[Guest]

 

[Image]

Really you must decide if you can live in a sexless marriage....Obviously sex isn't the be all end all, but everyone needs some touch...some show of affection....It is obvious your husband is suddenly feeling threatened, he is not used to seeing this side of you....It frightens him, I am here wondering what exactly frightens him....The fact that maybe you are sexual person, that he isn't giving you what you want...what you need...

I think this really more about him than you....He should have never said those things he said to you though....Being here at Lit makes you neither a slut or a whore....I hope you work things out in a way that can give you both happiness....

Our marriage is great in all other aspects.. really I do get lots of love and affection. That's the problem, cuddling and sweet nothings are great but what about hot, raw, sex? When I ask him to tell me what he wants, he say something like "whatever makes you happy" Im sick of banality! But you may have hit upon something with him feeling threatened... Thanks...

 

[LukkyKnight]

...
Any suggestions on how to fix this?

People constantly grow and change, even after getting married. You obviously want it to work with him, so IMHO you need to communicate with him, possibly in the company of a counselor. Fundamentally you both have a choice to either grow closer together over time or farther apart. Changes do not happen overnight, as a rule, so the sub-text of the advice is that patience is required.

I empathize.

It doesn't sound too late to salvage the relationship, but neither choice will make life "easy" - you're faced with working on what makes life "better."

 

[MrReady]

Sexless

Maybe he has thoughts that he can't come to grips wth, like maybe other men?

 

[Ham Murabi]

He is being unreasonable. Under the circumstances you described there is no reason for him to react that way …
Unless you find yourself on Lit (or the Internet in general) for hours on end, particularly after he's gone to bed. That creates a breeding ground for jealousy, even when nothing is going on except chat.
His problem is that he can't understand why you need Lit, as though there is a void he is not filling.
I think you can talk this through to a satisfactory conclusion.

 

[Angel]

I think you should shut off your computer, sit him down and talk to him.

 

[eyesgreen]

well some men need to know that they are 'in charge'-[ok most] and this is something about you that he can't control- that may be the case here. However, he may also be insecure about your love for him, or insecure in general. If he will not communicate with you about what is going on in his head- that is difficult. Perhaps a marriage counselor will help. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Guest]

Wow 19 years of sexlessness! I symphathise 100%. No parental responsibility is a positive. That's between you and your husband. Comunicate like an adult. Eventually, you have to make the choice of what you want. Good luck anyway.

P.S. I have no ability as an agony uncle whatsoever.

 

[Image]

He is being unreasonable. Under the circumstances you described there is no reason for him to react that way …
Unless you find yourself on Lit (or the Internet in general) for hours on end, particularly after he's gone to bed. That creates a breeding ground for jealousy, even when nothing is going on except chat.
His problem is that he can't understand why you need Lit, as though there is a void he is not filling.
I think you can talk this through to a satisfactory conclusion.

You are right about him not understanding why I need Lit... But it isn't only the sex I enjoy here. (Your posts in particular make me laugh). I read, I write, I sing and I enjoy the cerebral (and not so cerebral ) exchanges between everyone. He doesn't lack in any of those departments so I'm not trying to make up for anything in that way.
Thanks everyone for the input, didn't mean to sound so maudlin. It does kind of scare me to hear some of you mention professional help though. I'm not making any decisions just yet....

 

[RomanHans]

Dearest Image...

I'm not someone who has experience in the paragon of healthy relationships, but I would add my caution to be patient and see if your husband will reveal what motivated his hurtful outburst. My own initial reaction is that your posting on Lit is a simple target for some other unresolved emotion in him--and IMHO we all are capable of flying off the handle from just having a bad day.

For a longer term strategy, I'm sure that you're already weighing some difficult options. Even if you could return to the equilibrium that you two had before this argument, would you really be comfortable since you now know what it might incite in your husband's mind? I'm coping with similar feelings myself, but I remain hopeful that in any such situation, there is some stable middle ground between isolation in a somewhat dysfunctional relationship and divorce.

If you have a chance to read this, at least keep in mind that you have our prayers and support.

Roman

 

[curious2c]

Well...I have hesitated replying until now. I think you both need to get some counseling. Your husband has some deep issues with you on some level and you seem to have a few yourself now. I believe that if you want to stay together you should see a marriage counselor. i would reccomend that you stay away from a local minister as they tend to not approve of things like lit. It has been my experience that a good counselor will keep religion and religious views out of the sessions.

Good luck in your relationship...hope you and your husband can work things out.

 

[roxanne69]

Hi Image,

As one of your partners in crime (lol) I feel like I know you a little from your posts. You write so beautifully and with so much passion, I have never thought of you as being a slut or anything close to that. You are far classier than that! I'm sorry to hear what's happened with your husband. He obviously has unresolved issues that he needs to deal with and of course he needs to talk it out with you to come to terms with them. I think you both need to see a professional so that it doesn't turn ugly again and so that the discussion doesn't become a blame game. Many people are in sexless marriages and are happy, I understand that it is what you're used to but seeing a therapist to find out why your husband is the way he is may do wonders for your marriage. I wish you all the luck in the world and if you do decide to leave Lit I will miss you as will everyone who has come to know you and enjoy your writing. If you would like to PM me I am here for you hon, please know you always have a friend in me.

Big warm hug,
Roxy

 

[Touch1]

Hi Image,
I agree with roxanne69. I am on my third marriage. I have been in numerous hours of counseling alone, and with my wife(s). (not all the same wife) If your husband will agree to see a counselor, it will probably help both of you to look at circumstances or situatuations that are the root cause of this problem. I'm new to Lit but have enjoyed seeing your posts so hopefully you won't have to give this up. If you need someone to vent, share, talk to or whatever, feel free to pm me. I don't have a crystal ball, but I do have broad shoulders.

 

[concrete]

Any suggestions on how to fix this?

Approached this same problem from perhaps a different angle..
My wife first intersted me in comp... the son had set it up..
She was interested in information + Martha,Opera stuff.
I went straight for the porn ,,
....after finding LIT ,she would comment "Oh your sluts are on line ,Fucking Bitches,crazy people...
.After watching me enjoy this SITE ..
..she now ask's if any of my friends are on line...
..Tell your Husband ,,it's people from around the WORLD.just talking..everything else is still your own , and still HIS..
just another tool,or way of seeing other folks.. good Holidays

 

[sensational204]

Maybe you could try to get him involved in literotica too. Then he could see what it is about it you enjoy so much, and it could be something you share together.

 

[pinkhawk]

I don't often post replies, but I can almost feel what you are saying. It seems to me that you have tried to share this experience with him, reading others posts and telling him what you are saying. He didnt care, maybe didnt listen.Then out of nowhere, this. I have been there. Now you want to defend him from us, say its not so bad. God! I was there!He seemed to give me so much that I didntt see I was paying for it with my spirit. Sorry I thought I could be objective, but controling men make me crazy! Espesially the passive agressive type that make you feel like its your fault.
I'll just keep reading and hope Im all wrong. (don't leave us! I love to read you!)

 

[fgarvb1]

Well, i'm no pro although i have been around the chair a few times.

Most of your answers lie within yourself. Sometimes having some help getting them out is in order.

Some of the issues i read were.

Control
Abandonment
Repressed anger
insecurity


And a few more i can't put a handle on right now.

note:leaving Lit is only a masking solution for some hidden problems.


Good luck to you.