I'm going to a shrink & I need advice

[Kim_Burly]

Due to my inability to get back up to a healthy weight and even though I am not losing weight anymore, Sir has told me I must see a shrink. Let me preface this by saying that I saw some shrinks when my previous marriage was coming apart and as a teen and it has never gone well. As a rule I don't like them, I think that they are broken people too and they go into the field to cure themselves. Plus, they always want to obsess on placing blame. Were my parents perfect, no, but they are not to blame for my issues today, I am. Besides, who cares who is to blame, just help me get better.

So to please Sir and as long as I am going, I am going to try to make a sincere effort the make progress this time. I believe I will be able to put aside my dislike for shrinks. My question is, can I really make progress without being honest about the S&M aspect of our relationship? I am scared to death that as a mandated reporter, a shrink would turn Sir in for being an "abuser". On the other hand if I keep this part of myself from the shrink, can she really help me?

I did look for "kink friendly" shrinks, but they are all in the city and I got a very negative vibe when I went to see one of them for a consultation.

I am very worried about my first appointment this week and I don't know what to do. Sir said to trust my instincts about what to tell her and not be concerned about legal issues. He says if problems arise, we will deal with it then.

I would be grateful for any feedback.

 

[Stephan1515]

Be honest, that's the only way to make progress. Assuming Sir isn't doing anything illegal then I don't think you have anything to worry about. A good shrink will accept you for who you are and work with it. Good luck sweetie.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Netzach]

I'm going to disagree sorta. Depends on the shrink.

If your SM relationship is not at the front and center of your problems, you don't need to address it out the door.

Likewise, going on a dig into family history is not the first place every shrink will start. It's important, but secondary in certain modes of therapy.

You might look for someone who believes in CBT, that's cognitive behavioral therapy approaches, or who does mindfulness based approaches. Less "why" more "what" and "what else" I totally feel you on the "fix shit and then we can play introspection indefinitely" sadly that's where the ongoing money is.

I did great with a downright kink hostile shrink - because I know what my problem isn't. I simply dealt with other things.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Due to my inability to get back up to a healthy weight and even though I am not losing weight anymore, Sir has told me I must see a shrink. Let me preface this by saying that I saw some shrinks when my previous marriage was coming apart and as a teen and it has never gone well. As a rule I don't like them, I think that they are broken people too and they go into the field to cure themselves. Plus, they always want to obsess on placing blame.

In my experience shrinks are a mixed bag. I've met some who were exactly like you say, and others who were really helpful; the trick is to be willing to say "this isn't working" and move on as often as it takes to find one who works for you.

(This doesn't mean somebody who agrees with everything you say, BTW, but they need to at least listen to where you're coming from.)

I'm going to disagree sorta. Depends on the shrink.

If your SM relationship is not at the front and center of your problems, you don't need to address it out the door.

My take on this is a little different. If you think it's likely that you'd need to mention BDSM stuff at any point, I'd recommend sounding them out on it in the first session. Some counsellors have really strong prejudices about kink stuff, and you don't want to spend weeks or months building up a rapport just to have it blow up when you mention kink.

A while back my partner and I went to a counsellor to discuss problems with how we were relating to one another. The root of the problem was Aspie communication issues, the sort of thing that causes problems in any relationship until you work out how to deal with it. But one of the situations where it blew up for us happened to be in the context of a polyamorous relationship. We had to mention the poly angle just to explain how the communication snafu happened.

Our counsellor latched on to polyamory as the Cause Of All Our Problems and kept trying to tell us that it was massively unhealthy and we must be doing it because of deep-seated insecurities. She refused to listen when we both told her "no, that's not it, and this isn't what we came here to talk about". It was so bad that we had to walk away with my partner in tears.

Fortunately for us this came up pretty early - I think in our second session - but if we'd identified it at the start of the first session we would have saved ourselves a hundred dollars and a lot of frustration. Sometimes I feel like sending her a "fuck you we found a better counsellor and we fixed things" card...

Some shrinks won't know much about kink and that's okay. I've had a couple of really good ones who just listened to what I told them about my relationships and worked from that. It's just the ones who've already made up their mind that kink is Bad And Wrong and Needs To Be Cured that you need to screen out ASAP.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I was going to say CBTherapy too. It's a set of mind tools and how to use them.

Sometimes I feel like sending her a "fuck you we found a better counsellor and we fixed things" card...

I think you should! Therapists don't much get assessment or feedback.

 

[CutieMouse]

I don't think focusing on a kink aware professional is necessary, per say. My therapist's office doesn't care one way or another if I'm kinky, sumbissive, whatever... as long as the relationship is healthy. (ie: respectful, supportive, loving, goal oriented, makes me happy, etc.)

Finding a therapist, experienced with eating disorders/ addictions, is.

[blunt warning]

Your Master, whom you have always sworn to love and obey (to the point of marrying the guy), has decided this is necessary. So my advice would be to drop the attitude, accept that you need help, and do the fucking work. And when I say "do the work", I mean "do the work". Not "do the work (while judging, criticizing, making excuses for yourself and finding excuses to ignore the person you're asking to help you)." Not "do the work (while pretending you don't have an eating disorder, or didn't replace a drinking problem with a food problem)." Just do the damn work.

CBT tends to be more effective than straight talk therapy.

Regardless, approaching therapy with a bad attitude, contributes to bad therapy. If you don't trust the therapists available to you, ask your Master to vet them for you - you trust him/ his judgement, right?

[/blunt warning]

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Finding the right counselor for you is kind of like dating, you will know pretty quick if they are right for you or not. Trust that. There is no need to vilify or linger with a bad fit, just move on until you find the one that feels right.

Re kink, I think it's reasonable to ask tons of questions before you even consider sharing anything. Simple, "What are your feelings on (fill in the blank)" is a way to get THEM talking and is completely in the scope of the getting to know eachother stages. You are interviewing and hiring THEM for a service, don't forget that either.

Be proud of finding a place in your life to face this. It's brave to face it, sometimes a lot of work, but it is totally worth it to fight for your right to live your best life.


Best of luck to you on all of it.

 

[Kim_Burly]

Thanks everyone, I'll know more Wednesday about how it will go. I think I will just feel her out to see how she feels about the book "50 Shades" that will give me an idea. There is also no need to lay everything out in the first session. She did mention CBT in our initial consultation, but my mind was reeling and I only caught half of what she said. It's silly, but I'm a little bit scared. Thanks again!

 

[Niam1985]

It's not silly to feel a little scared! You're taking a huge step into mucking around in all your deep dark shit. Take a deep breath and be proud of yourself. Its hard work, but together with the right therapist it will be good productive work.

 

[FurryFury]

In addition to shrinks also being broken people who often have focuses that are not useful to you, keep in mind there are different kinds of shrinks.

Sometimes it's helpful to focus on which kind would work best for you. Cognitive therapist are good for short term behavior results for instance.

Sociologists help you figure out how to fit into the world better.

Most psychiatrists these days don't even do therapy but only prescribe meds.

Then there are social workers, psychologists and people who just call themselves counselors.

In each field there are people who are good and who are not, people who might fit you and your needs well and people who will not.

I told my daugther it's kind of like a date. If you don't get a good feeling about the person in the first minute or so do not reschedule look for someone else. She tends to keep going even when it's a bad fit.

And finally if you are doing this for someone else and not for yourself, it's going to be very difficult to make it work. You really need to care enough about yourself to want to make it work, to be honest and focus on the real issues.

*hugs*

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks everyone, I'll know more Wednesday about how it will go. I think I will just feel her out to see how she feels about the book "50 Shades" that will give me an idea. There is also no need to lay everything out in the first session. She did mention CBT in our initial consultation, but my mind was reeling and I only caught half of what she said. It's silly, but I'm a little bit scared. Thanks again!

Sweetie, no.

Tell her that you are in a BDSM relationship, and ask her if that is a problem for her.

I know how hard that is, but it's the fastest way.

 

[Kim_Burly]

OK, you guys are scaring me, I hadn't thought that I would be going through a dating like process to find the right shrink. I'm very optimistic about this woman so until I have reason to do otherwise, I'm thinking happy thoughts.

Stella, I'll try and be straightforward with her, we'll see how bold I can be. I do have my moments.

Thanks!

 

[subwannabe]

How did it go?

 

[luvnmyboys]

Unless Bdsm relates to your issue with weight, I probably wouldn't mention it. I would also recommend a solution oriented therapist. This is a short term therapy designed to tackle problems. Don't stress about the first session much. The first session is usually just getting to know each other and paper work. I would also suggest looking for someone experienced with eating disorders.

 

[box13]

The shrink I was married to for a while knew of a family where the dad was banging the daughters, I was kind of surprised to hear her say that she wasn't going to report it, I suppose because she that would just make things worse. So I'm thinking you won't have any kind of trouble like that.

She also told me that "a woman's ass is her shame" many times. I suppose that's why being attracted to her sexually was something that caused her to feel like crying or vomiting. But it's something I think about now...still...when I wonder about meeting my needs, occasionally. And then stop myself. Maybe that's all I am.

So, I suppose shrinks are just people too, and they don't know everything, and have different viewpoints, and there's no real scientific way of looking into someone's head and solving their problems...or even understanding them. Some people are good at helping others, and some people aren't.

Honestly though, you sound fine. Is your weight an issue? What does your doctor say? Talk to a diet expert and discuss what you're eating, find out what they think. Seems like they would know about eating issues. Why doesn't Sir go, if he sees it as being so important? "I'm seeing you because my Master has commanded it." isn't going to fly well. He's pushing you into something you're not comfortable like it's something by-proxy and voyeuristic...it's weird.

"You have issues, go see a shrink" is just such an odd thing to ask someone. Obviously I don't know everything though.

Please take care.

 

[dora_salonica]

My advice to you would be to find a shrink who is informed about BDSMers, who is accepting and not critical of what we do and who might even turn your kink to your advantage. If something is already there, why not use it? We do not ignore aspects of our personality as if they were not there, especially something as important as our sexuality. If it exists, it is part of you are. Who can claim that things that define us are unimportant or irrelevant to personal important problems?

It might be a good idea for you to contact a very popular therapist among our circles, Charles Moser. He is a well-known therapist who is very knowledgeable about us and who might be able to put you in touch with the right person in your area. You can find one of his articles here:

http://www.bdsminternational.org/threads/the-psychology-of-sadomasochism-by-moser.445/

At any rate, perhaps your shrink will benefit from reading this!

I wish you the best of luck!!!

 

[FurryFury]

It looks like my daugther might have finally found a shrink she feels good about after 3-4 tries.

Meanwhile my mother is sort of fighting her shrink. "You need to go to assisted living." No. "You need to be on X drug" No.

*shrug*

Have you been to your shrink yet? If so, how did it go?



FF

 

[Kim_Burly]

I'll try and keep this brief. I was sooooooooo nervous going in. She understood that and she is not like shrinks I have seen in the past where they are cold and distant, she was kind and patient and she even made a few little jokes, which really put me at ease.

I had been doing a lot of introspection leading up to this appointment and I do think a lot of my current situation has a lot to do with my problems. When Sir and I got engaged we agreed that we would have a monogamous relationship. Long story short, after seeing an opportunity to expand our horizons I and I emphasize I chose to open our relationship some. That has grown and we now have two couples that we play with, there have also been some other one time dalliances. So, it's not too hard to figure out that I am jealous/insecure about Sir being with other women, plus all of the other moving parts. It is not just him being with other women, I have a female sub, whom I love and I engage in some play with the boys, but there is no penetrative sex between me and the boys. Sir has shared me with a couple of his male friends, but for the most part, he is the only man I will ever have sex with. It's complicated, so I won't bore you with all of the various combinations. There is no reason for my insecurity since I am fully involved in the whole group dynamic and if I asked him not to do something, he wouldn't. But of course I have been in denial and as always, I over-think things to the point of insanity. So I was unable to see the forest for the trees.

I was so convinced that I had everything figured out that I was ready to call the whole thing off. Deep down, I knew that was the wrong course to take and not to mention that Sir would not have taken that kind of insubordination lightly. So I kept the appointment and I am so happy I did.

We really didn't get into the depth of my love for pain, I basically left it at we are into "erotic spanking" which made her smirk. So we are attacking the problem from two directions, first and mainly my eating problems and how to correct them in a real world, practical, day to day method. Secondly, we are exploring the source of my anxiety. Which she is not pushing too hard.

So, to sum it up, I like this Doctor, so far and I am encouraged in the direction we are heading. She did warn me that we would be getting into the "heavy lifting" as we progressed.

Thanks for listening.

 

[box13]

Very glad it went positively for you. My impression is that you're a very unique person, and someone who should feel good about themselves.

 

[Stella_Omega]

That's encouraging, Kim. I look forawrd to seeing you healthy and happy and just as much of a perve as you ever were

 

[dora_salonica]

Good news! So happy for you. If you persevere, I am sure you will see very good results! My feeling is that all changes are inner first...

 

[FurryFury]

Great news! I'm happy for you!

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Sound you took some steps forward on figuring out what you need. Congrats!

 

[Niam1985]

That does sound like a great first session. Im really happy for you too!