I'm Excited!

[next_exit]

My first story was accepted! I'm so excited I can barely stand it. lol. I know I mispelled a word in the title though I don't know how to change that. lol. But I'd love some criticism.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=321695

 

[Varian P]

Hi there, next_exit. Welcome to Lit, and congratulations on getting your first story posted. A banner day!

There are instructions on how to submit an edited version of a story in the FAQ, but I think you basically just proceed as if you were submitting a new story, but after the title, put "EDIT." If it's only the title you want amended, you probably don't need to resubmit the text of the story itself. Perhaps just put a note in the "notes" field that you want the title corrected.

And now, on to the critique!

Wow, that's a spicy little vignette you've got there--more a scene than a story, but pretty juicy. You manage to convey an intensity, a frenzy of action--something I wish I was able to do more easily.

A nit, and perhaps a rather subjective one, but I'd caution you to choose your euphemisms with care. Personally, phrases like "hot channel," and "throbbing channel" pull me out of the sexy action and make me ponder which word for sex or cunt I'd rather see in there, and phrases like "her sizzling love box" just ruin it all. Others may disagree.

Beyond the euphemisms, my biggest suggestion for the technical side of things is just to choose all your words and images carefully, for maximum clarity, impact, mood, etc.

Your opening line is, I think, a tad off:

She looked up from watering the garden.

"She looked up" is an action of a single moment, but "watering the garden" is a longer, ongoing activity. I'd go with something like "She looked up from watering the azalea by the garden gate" or somesuch--something that will give a more concrete visual image, and also work better with that in-the-moment gesture of looking up.

More importantly, I'd look upon "A Garden Tryst" as a good first effort, and move forward with something with a bit of plot and character development. Clearly you have the skill to write something more substantial.

-Varian

 

[next_exit]

Hello! Thank you very much, those are some awesome compliments and some very needed advice. I see what you're saying, I may do a rewrite as the suggestions come in, I've been writing for years, but no one but friends have actually read my work so I was extremely nervous about how my story would be taken on literotica. Most of my stories are more detailed, more in depth. But yes I see what you mean about my choice of words and the first line does need a redo.

It's nice to meet you too!

 

[Guest]

I like the story.

And I agree with Varian - it's a hot little scene and could easily be expanded into a larger work

One thing - perhaps you should name the characters.

There is a great deal of She said, she did, she said, - etc. Many sentences begin with "she." Name the character and that gives you a bit more freedom.

Great first submission! Good luck!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

BDSM is not my thing, but I gave it a read anyway.

I pretty much agree with VarianP and Sweetsubsarahhh, it's a very short piece, more of a scene than anything else.

I did cringe at this line though,

Her fingers danced up his thighs until she encountered the twin globes at the base of his rod.

Globes, at least to me, conjure up very large round objects.

Otherwise, for a first attempt, I thought it was well written. Congratulations.

 

[piltdownman]

I liked it, short and to the point and not too many wasted words. There were a few spelling mistakes, nothing serious. I agree with the other comments about your choice of words here and there... sizzling love tunnel and twin globes... doesn't really work for me... manhood is another one... I always think it's best to call them what they are. Nice little story though. It worked for me.