I'm being nosey

[nickollette]

I go through spurts of random thinking, I have a very restless mind so it happen a lot. I got to thinking the other day about why I'm into bdsm. I'm still trying to figure that one out, haven't come up with a concrete reason why past it just feels right, almost like it fills a void I didn't know I had until I started.

My curiosity for yall is, how did you know that bdsm was right for you? When did you know which role was right for you, through trial and error or just an innate sense of what was the right role for you? How often and to what extent is bdsm incorporated into life?

For the switches...Do you find that you prefer one side more than the other but both are just as good to do? Am I alone in realizing it seems to be mood dependent on which role I take on at a given time?

Sorry, I need to keep awake and figured starting conversation was the best way to do that

 

[Tyr51]

I don't know. I have no specific answer.
I know I read a fair amount of literature moving towards the subject, some of it fairly young in life. I'm still exploring. I suppose one just looks for those things that turns us on? :\

 

[BiBunny]

I go through spurts of random thinking, I have a very restless mind so it happen a lot. I got to thinking the other day about why I'm into bdsm. I'm still trying to figure that one out, haven't come up with a concrete reason why past it just feels right, almost like it fills a void I didn't know I had until I started.

My curiosity for yall is, how did you know that bdsm was right for you? When did you know which role was right for you, through trial and error or just an innate sense of what was the right role for you? How often and to what extent is bdsm incorporated into life?

I never quite know how to answer when someone asks me "How did you get into this?" Because the truth is, I've always been into it. I was tying myself up and putting clothespins on my nipples and such to masturbate when I was 8 or 9 years old. When I started having sex at 17, I was always into kinkier, more intense things than even my friends who had been having sex much longer than I had. Somewhere around 18, I read about BDSM and put a name with the stuff I was doing, anyway.

I played on bottom for awhile and liked that. Then I thought I'd enjoy being on Top, so I tried that, too. I like both, hence the switch label. I play when I can, which isn't often nowadays. I'd like it to be incorporated into my life more often, but I'm also not too keen on any sort of sticky relationship situations, either. I swing wide away from people who want anything serious because that's not what I want, and I don't want to give anybody false hope and wind up hurting him/her. (I plan on being single for at least the next 60 years!) Because most of the people I meet do want something more serious than I want, I don't get to play as much as I'd like. *Shrug*

For the switches...Do you find that you prefer one side more than the other but both are just as good to do? Am I alone in realizing it seems to be mood dependent on which role I take on at a given time?

It seems to be mood-dependent with most switches I know, myself included. I enjoy sadism and masochism pretty much equally. If I had my druthers, I'd probably choose to be on the bottom most of the time, but I've found that there are a.) very few people who are really more dominant than I am and b.) even fewer of those people whom I feel comfortable with. So I lean pretty heavily to the Top side, simply because it's easier for me to find partners I'm comfortable with. And I'm cool with that.

Sorry, I need to keep awake and figured starting conversation was the best way to do that

'Tis ok. I need to stay awake myself, so if my answer seems like a non-answer, that's why. I'm only semi-conscious at the moment.

 

[Bandit58]

My curiosity for yall is, how did you know that bdsm was right for you? When did you know which role was right for you, through trial and error or just an innate sense of what was the right role for you? How often and to what extent is bdsm incorporated into life?

I've always had a submissive personality but didn't know anything about BDSM until I met Sir here on Lit in 2002. However I have always had fantasies of being tied up and teased, and I was always the one captured and tied up in childhood games

Sir and I are married and our relationship would probably be described as 24/7, meaning that although we seem to have a "normal" life, the dynamic is there all the time even when we're not "in scene" or playing. I serve as His carer because He has chronic health problems including renal (kidney) failure and Type 1 diabetes. In that respect we are probably not your "typical" Dominant/submissive i.e. meaning that both parties in the relationship are strong and healthy. We adapt a lot of the lifestyle to suit us and our needs at the time. I have ongoing instructions to look after myself as well as Him, to take charge as and when needed, and be an advocate for Him with doctors and hospitals.

I would say that we "play" on average once or twice a week. More or less often depending on health and wellness levels.

I can say that I feel happier and more settled than I ever have before, even though stress levels can be high with worry about Sir's health. It's like I've finally found the place where my submission is appreciated and I finally "fit". I spent many years with an emotionally abusive husband who was domineering not dominant (there is a difference!).

 

[BiBunny]

[hijack]I freakin' love your av, Bandit! [/hijack]

 

[Marquis]

I never quite know how to answer when someone asks me "How did you get into this?" Because the truth is, I've always been into it. I was tying myself up and putting clothespins on my nipples and such to masturbate when I was 8 or 9 years old. When I started having sex at 17, I was always into kinkier, more intense things than even my friends who had been having sex much longer than I had. Somewhere around 18, I read about BDSM and put a name with the stuff I was doing, anyway.

I played on bottom for awhile and liked that. Then I thought I'd enjoy being on Top, so I tried that, too. I like both, hence the switch label. I play when I can, which isn't often nowadays. I'd like it to be incorporated into my life more often, but I'm also not too keen on any sort of sticky relationship situations, either. I swing wide away from people who want anything serious because that's not what I want, and I don't want to give anybody false hope and wind up hurting him/her. (I plan on being single for at least the next 60 years!) Because most of the people I meet do want something more serious than I want, I don't get to play as much as I'd like. *Shrug*

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying here, but I don't think anyone seriously plans on being single without making some remarkably liberal revisions to the definition of that word.

 

[IsabellaKing]

.....

 

[sexycaz22]

How did I get into the BDSM? Gosh, I think I have always had "kinky" fantasies for as long as I remember, most fantasies are usually of rough sex. And in roleplays, as such as doctor/nurse; cop/robber; etc I was always the one who leads the roleplays with my wee brother (I remember being the cop chasing my wee brother all over the garden, and then finally catching him and handcuffing him and scolding him!!) ; but with friends, it was usually them who plays the main part (cop; teacher etc) - gosh, just realised now....that could be why I am a switch now! *laughs*

About 3 years ago, I did come into the word of BDSM by playing a roleplay with a vanilla guy online (it was purely a roleplay) but it interested me; so went looking for an online "DOM" (huh!) and then I jumped into that with both feet - without any research etc. - (I was going through a rough time then) but soon enough, I realised that I didn't like what I was doing; that I felt dirty after each time I "acted" for him online. So I quit and put the BDSM into the back of my mind.......till about 8 months ago when I talked with a friend (again online) but this time he took the time to explain to me what was BDSM about and I saw a short conversation between him and his sub, leading me to realise that I was hiding a kinky part of me, so I went looking for more information, and did my research properly this time, took my time etc.

Now, I am a switch, and I love both roles. I usually label myself a *spanking bottom* cos that's what I am, I don't think I could see myself really submitting and handing over the control - expect - maybe sexually and in a scene. I am looking to test my pain tolerance and pushing my limits so I am looking to become a painslut! As for the Topping side, I am just only beginning to explore that, having started last Thursday night! And I am certainly going to enjoy the Topping, the feeling of the power of controlling a boy's movements etc but at the same time, feeling the happiness of caring for him, making sure that he is okay in a scene.

 

[snowbyte]

I never quite know how to answer when someone asks me "How did you get into this?" Because the truth is, I've always been into it.

That's close to how I would answer the question. It's not a matter of 'How did I get into it'. It's just a part of me and always has been. It's how I'm wired. BDSMLMNOP just gives it names and structure and community, etc... Understanding this part of me and discovering it in others is an ongoing never-ending journey.

 

[00Syd]

Like other people have said before me, I've always had fantasies on the rougher side of the spectrum, for as long as I can remember. And then one day about a year ago I was poking around online and saw the word BDSM, I learned what it meant, I saw what it involved and I thought "oh, yep, thats me right there." And thats how I got into it pretty much, I suppose. Not much to it, eh?

For most people I've talked to it was really just putting a name to something that was already there,

 

[nickollette]

For most people I've talked to it was really just putting a name to something that was already there,

I like that, i know it basically reiterates what a lot of people have said but it just makes it sound pretty when put like that

 

[WriterDom]

I got interested in spanking. And had a spanking partner before I stumbled across BDSM.

 

[HottieMama]

My curiosity for yall is, how did you know that bdsm was right for you? When did you know which role was right for you, through trial and error or just an innate sense of what was the right role for you? How often and to what extent is bdsm incorporated into life?

Ahhh...I never struggled with BDSM as solely sexual activities/practices. I have always liked my sex rough, a bit painful, and a lot "dirty." Where I struggled and still do struggle at some points is with D/s roles. I don't know how much I like/agree with/desire the 24/7 D/s lifestyle. BDSM is incorporated into my life every time I do something sexual, which includes masturbation. D/s is as well, but to a much more limited degree and largely dependant on my partner. (For me, I separate BDSM and D/s...in case you were wondering.)

For the switches...Do you find that you prefer one side more than the other but both are just as good to do? Am I alone in realizing it seems to be mood dependent on which role I take on at a given time?

I have recently discovered switch tendencies. I could NEVER be the Domme in a D/s relationship, but I can Top someone like nobody's business and have a GREAT time doing it. For me, it's not so much mood dependent as it is partner specific. It's really easy if I am playing with a switch. Most activities just become "reciprocal." When it gets dicey, is if I choose to play with someone who is solely a bottom or solely a top.

 

[BiBunny]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying here, but I don't think anyone seriously plans on being single without making some remarkably liberal revisions to the definition of that word.

Errrr, that was my attempt at a bad joke at 2 am. Sorry.

 

[Homburg]

Around 17 years ago I met this girl that changed my life. Shortly after we got together, we both began to enjoy rougher sex. Ten years later, she tells me that she's fantasised about BDSM her whole life, and wants me to dominate her, that she knows I have it in me. So I give it a go. A couple of years later, life shat on me from great height, and I lost sight of my power. Felt like a fraud, so we went back to rough sex. It took me a while to get that back.

I wasn't really sure it was me. Some days I still wonder. I'm not the fantasy dominant, and I won't try to be, as it is such a ludicrous farce in my eyes. I never got my seven league boots, and my stare doesn't pack thunderbolts. I can humble horses, dogs, and knuckleheads with a look, but elephants and camels are out of my league. So I question and doubt and wonder.

Realistically, I know I'm dominant. I hear it all the time. Hell, most of the time, expressions of doubt are greeted by giggling on the part of irreverent, but beloved, submissive friends. The point to this is that doubt is natural. Healthy too. If I didn't have doubt, I would probably be dangerous. Or at least more megalomaniacal than I am now.

BDSM is how I get my sex on. Unequal is how I like the power structures in my romantic relationships (with me on top, natch). Dominant is how I am. It's part of my life, but doesn't inform everything in my life.

Just watch out for camels.

 

[madetotakeit]

Like others before me have posted, my fantasies included rough sex or the "damsel in distress" captured and bound from early on. As I matured and different experiences effected my life, those fantasies developed. I'm just now realizing just how far back those thoughts were surfacing in my brain and tendencies were were showing themselves. I remember looping leashes around my neck or wrist and sliding the length back and forth tightening and loosening the pressure. I always chalked it up to loving the feel of the cool metal and the sound of the hook clicking across the links. After thinking about it from a different perspective though I realize there was more to it than that. I also would unconsciously pinch my nipples from the age of 8 or so, pretty much from the moment I started to develop.


It wasn't until I was in college that I consciously thought about BDSM. When an ex tied me up or a playful wrestling match turned into a bit of force play I was aware that I was more turned on than with sex that didn't include these elements. From that point on I started to look into BDSM seriously although it took many years for me to feel comfortable enough to actively seek it out.

When I finally took the chance and met with someone who was admittedly dominant, the final piece clicked. That dynamic was what I had been seeking, that presence that is so different than a man who is not. From that point on it has been a series of discovery about myself and what I like and even need.

I identify myself as a submissive. That is the role that is simply ingrained in me. As another said, I'm just wired that way. At the moment BDSM is on the fringes in my life although it is something that I think about in different ways many times a day. It is a part of my life that will certainly become larger as time goes by.

 

[Marquis]

Errrr, that was my attempt at a bad joke at 2 am. Sorry.

Don't apologize.

Around 17 years ago I met this girl that changed my life. Shortly after we got together, we both began to enjoy rougher sex. Ten years later, she tells me that she's fantasised about BDSM her whole life, and wants me to dominate her, that she knows I have it in me. So I give it a go. A couple of years later, life shat on me from great height, and I lost sight of my power. Felt like a fraud, so we went back to rough sex. It took me a while to get that back.

I wasn't really sure it was me. Some days I still wonder. I'm not the fantasy dominant, and I won't try to be, as it is such a ludicrous farce in my eyes. I never got my seven league boots, and my stare doesn't pack thunderbolts. I can humble horses, dogs, and knuckleheads with a look, but elephants and camels are out of my league. So I question and doubt and wonder.

Realistically, I know I'm dominant. I hear it all the time. Hell, most of the time, expressions of doubt are greeted by giggling on the part of irreverent, but beloved, submissive friends. The point to this is that doubt is natural. Healthy too. If I didn't have doubt, I would probably be dangerous. Or at least more megalomaniacal than I am now.

BDSM is how I get my sex on. Unequal is how I like the power structures in my romantic relationships (with me on top, natch). Dominant is how I am. It's part of my life, but doesn't inform everything in my life.

Just watch out for camels.

I really like this.

Is something changing in your life, Homburg?

I notice a slightly different tone to your posts recently.

 

[Homburg]

I really like this.

Is something changing in your life, Homburg?

I notice a slightly different tone to your posts recently.

Perceptive. Change is probably not the right word. Mojo is low, basically.

It's a Top thing. I'll discuss it with you by PM's if you want, as, well, you're a fellow Dominant.

 

[Sexualinnocent]

Wow...i love the advice that is at this site. i just wish i was a bit wiser.

 

[Dreamliner]

A few years ago wile enjoying a sex session with a partner I found the more I started adding in greater pressure to tweaking her nipples, starting to bite her as I made love to her rather than suck harder, the more she moaned and the bigger her orgasms....when we talked about it during post coital, she admitted to it being a huge turn-on and very sexuall charging for her...

........since that time I have not been with a woman yet, that with the right stimulation, and by this I mainly mean using language and stimulating her brain, that did not enjoy more "rougher" sex. Mnay go on and enjoy full-on BDSM.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

My curiosity for yall is, how did you know that bdsm was right for you?

When I was introduced to the idea that people actually do this stuff for real, way back in 1997, when I was the ripe old age of 36.

When did you know which role was right for you, through trial and error or just an innate sense of what was the right role for you?

When I was introduced to the idea that people actually do this stuff for real. My sexual fantasies have incorporated aspects of torture and dominance for as long as I can remember and I am ALWAYS the one in control or doing the torturing.

I'm a sadist. Go figure!

How often and to what extent is bdsm incorporated into life?

As often as possible and as fully as possible. janey is my slave, 24/7, whether she is at work or out with friends, or with her family, she is ALWAYS my slave. She wears my collar proudly.

This doesn't mean she is wearing fetish gear or wandering around naked all the time. It does mean she addresses me as "Sir" and defers to my judgement.

Hope that helps,

 

[intothewoods]

Around 17 years ago I met this girl that changed my life. Shortly after we got together, we both began to enjoy rougher sex. Ten years later, she tells me that she's fantasised about BDSM her whole life, and wants me to dominate her, that she knows I have it in me. So I give it a go. A couple of years later, life shat on me from great height, and I lost sight of my power. Felt like a fraud, so we went back to rough sex. It took me a while to get that back.

I wasn't really sure it was me. Some days I still wonder. I'm not the fantasy dominant, and I won't try to be, as it is such a ludicrous farce in my eyes. I never got my seven league boots, and my stare doesn't pack thunderbolts. I can humble horses, dogs, and knuckleheads with a look, but elephants and camels are out of my league. So I question and doubt and wonder.

Realistically, I know I'm dominant. I hear it all the time. Hell, most of the time, expressions of doubt are greeted by giggling on the part of irreverent, but beloved, submissive friends. The point to this is that doubt is natural. Healthy too. If I didn't have doubt, I would probably be dangerous. Or at least more megalomaniacal than I am now.

BDSM is how I get my sex on. Unequal is how I like the power structures in my romantic relationships (with me on top, natch). Dominant is how I am. It's part of my life, but doesn't inform everything in my life.

Just watch out for camels.

Did I ever post about the guy who went to this one event, and in his profile it said something like, Graduate of Blah Blah School for Masters? I thought it was a joke and ignored it. Well, at the event, I met this really sweet couple who were maybe in their early 50s. They wanted to try something new, so they came to this event (mix of swingers, pagans and bdsm and sex-positive types, the kitchen sink). I come across as all normal and unfreaky (bwah ha), so the guy (and his wife) confide in me: I don't know about these bdsm people. We're in a cabin with one, and - well, I just must not get the rules - because he was tying someone up and he yelled at me to help him! And when I expressed some reservation, he got really angry! But he must know what he's doing. I mean, this guy has a certificate and everything!

I felt awful and told them, um, not sure about the certificate, but you shouldn't feel like you have to participate. That's not how it works. As I am actually, uh, one of them and stuff. No certificates though!

So anyway, whenever I think about Fantasy Dominants, I think about that guy and his "certifications."

 

[intothewoods]

I go through spurts of random thinking, I have a very restless mind so it happen a lot. I got to thinking the other day about why I'm into bdsm. I'm still trying to figure that one out, haven't come up with a concrete reason why past it just feels right, almost like it fills a void I didn't know I had until I started.

My curiosity for yall is, how did you know that bdsm was right for you? When did you know which role was right for you, through trial and error or just an innate sense of what was the right role for you? How often and to what extent is bdsm incorporated into life?

For the switches...Do you find that you prefer one side more than the other but both are just as good to do? Am I alone in realizing it seems to be mood dependent on which role I take on at a given time?

Sorry, I need to keep awake and figured starting conversation was the best way to do that

I *think* - although I am new myself - that the longer you've been in a comfortable place with bdsm, the less you'll wonder where it came from and why you're into it and all that. I think you feel more accepting of whatever you are.

I would say trial and error for me. I certainly didn't have an innate sense of anything, except that once I started playing in real life, I realized pretty quickly I had to make choices that would work within the rest of my life (motherhood, career, etc.). I never thought of myself as Dominant. I think switching seems fun, but I have no skills. If I have time ever, I might go to some workshops and learn some basics. It would be fun to play at parties, but that level of desire isn't really enough to make that sort of thing get to the top of my to do list.

Bdsm happens whenever my PYL and I are intimate, and that's pretty often, but there are crazy weeks here and there. The longer we know each other, the more natural the whole thing is. Even though we are different outside of intimate contexts, it's not like there is any conscious thought about that anymore. It just sort of is.

 

[Homburg]

So anyway, whenever I think about Fantasy Dominants, I think about that guy and his "certifications."

Yup, that's the sort of jackhole I was thinking of. Glad that ain't me.

 

[ABX]

I don't know when it first started growing. I do remember always enjoy the 'capture' part of cops and robbers best. When the cops had the robbers arrested and restrained... I was usually a cop.

It didn't become apparent that those funny feelings were sexual until I was about 19 when my fiancee, then my girlfriend, reacted VERY strongly to a command I gave fairly accidentally in the bedroom. She confessed afterwards that it had really gotten to her... and so we began experimenting. Cautiously at first, and then further and further.

It's funny, she was so innocent when we met. I'd never have guessed so many little fetishes lurked within - but god, am I glad they do!