i'm a reasonable man

[mysterywhiteboy]

i just posted my new story, and am looking for constructive feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=158194


this story was written as a request, so if any of y'all (particularly smart strumming girls) have a story they'd like to see, shout it out

 

[GingerV]

Basically, your writing is strong. I haven't got any general comments. So I'm going to let my train of thought observations speak for themselves.

GREAT start! I’m instantly engaged, as well as missing dorm life.

I’m sure you meant “introduce you to everybody,” not “introduce you to anybody.” Although I do kind of like the serendipity of it.

I think “emaciated thin” is redundant. Doesn’t work.

The irony in the physical statements isn’t working for me. I guess there’s a symmetry missing in when you describe the various bits and pieces. Height and build are in the same sentence, but Paula’s breasts turn up in the same list. Then it’s hair and personality, with Erin’s chest thrown in. Awkward. Minor, but awkward.

I made sure that she stayed with Paula and I for the rest of the party, which I found myself enjoying (aside from an awkward introduction to Paula's parents - it's horrible to meet the folks of the girl you're about to end it with).

Long parentheticals are something I’m guilty of, and they rarely work. If it can’t be kept short, it either deserves its own sentence or can be left out.

"I'll let you teach me to drive a stick," I suggested, and we were off. Erin drove an old Chevy pickup.

Is this meant to be a non-sequiter?

Paula's parents were in the house, already asleep - I know that because her father had a sleep apnea, and his snores shook the house.

To much info! They were already asleep, I could hear her dad’s buzzsaw snores. Why isn’t important . Besides, most folks aren’t going to know or care what sleep apnea is, I’m guessing.

And, well, I just don't like hurting my brain, and alcohol kills brain cells and dendrites."

TMI again. Kills brain cells is enough and….oh hell….geek alert here. Dendrites are part of neurons (one sort of brain cell…but most likely the ones you’re talking about), a piece of the structure. Not a separate sort of thing. [/geek]

I really love the way the seduction is going in the hot-tub. It feels real and familiar, definitely has me involved. And “Erin was the devil, the angel was silent,” is really elegant. I like how it casts Paula in the silent angel role…and makes her complacent in what follows.

I took no matter of it, and took no mercy on her clitoris.

Don’t have any idea what the first half of the sentence literally means…but I can pick up what you were aiming at from context. Typo?

"It makes me uncomfortable. I'll make it up to you, I promise." Erin didn't look to happy with that, but she acquiesced and sat down on the edge of the tub.

OK, never mind that I’m desperate to see the girl fucked at this point , the word uncomfortable doesn’t ring true. Not sure if it’s just not something I believe someone would say…or if it’s inconsistent with how Paula’s been speaking up to this point. Hit it like a speed bump, though.

And it should be “Erin didn’t look too happy”. Minor detail, since I stopped here anyway.

After a few minutes, and after Erin came at least twice, Paula fought her way out of our clutches.

Damn damn damn. You almost got through it without any of the clichés that bug me blind. “Came at least twice” sounds SO much like macho score keeping/shorthand for “the sex was great” that it puts me off. Who says two little ones are better than one big one? Or worse? I’ll take two deep breaths and keep going, it’s a small thing…and you do have brownie points left over for not telling me the size of your dick to 3 decimal places. Call it a personal pet peeve, I’ll get over it.

"Lenny, I want you to fuck me in the ass." I pushed Erin's face away to make sure I didn't shoot off in her mouth; this was not an opportunity I was going to miss out on.

OK, you’re forgiven for counting earlier. You’ve managed to make all the position switching totally believable for me, I’ve got a real feel of competition between the two girls. They’re trying to one-up each other. The escalation is wonderful.

The epilogue to this little story is the same as all of my stories: I'm a fucking asshole. I let - even encouraged - Paula to make plans for us to see Erin again.

It works, because of how you started the first part. I’m surprised at how well it works, actually. I’m enough of a romantic to usually hate “asshole” stories . The sex in the second half doesn’t work as well for me though, it seems more perfunctory. More of an anticlimax than anything else if you follow me.

In any case, I’m seriously impressed. I enjoyed this very much. Thanks for pointing me at it!


G

 

[mysterywhiteboy]

get off of my case get off of my case get off of my case....

well, if you like that one, i have a couple of others. i'm not sure either one is as good (and one is basically a joke)

 

[mysterywhiteboy]

an actual response

I think “emaciated thin” is redundant. Doesn’t work.

The irony in the physical statements isn’t working for me. I guess there’s a symmetry missing in when you describe the various bits and pieces. Height and build are in the same sentence, but Paula’s breasts turn up in the same list. Then it’s hair and personality, with Erin’s chest thrown in. Awkward. Minor, but awkward.

--------- THAT'S A SECTION I PLAYED AROUND WITH A LOT. I DIDN'T LIKE ALL THE FOCUS ON BREASTS, SO I TOOK OUT ONE OF THEM, AND MADE IT LESS SYMETRICAL.


quote:
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I made sure that she stayed with Paula and I for the rest of the party, which I found myself enjoying (aside from an awkward introduction to Paula's parents - it's horrible to meet the folks of the girl you're about to end it with).

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quote:
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I took no matter of it, and took no mercy on her clitoris.

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Don’t have any idea what the first half of the sentence literally means…but I can pick up what you were aiming at from context. Typo?

----NOT A TYPO, JUST A POOR USE OF AN INDEFINITE PRONOUN. I KNOW BETTER, BUT I'M STILL NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT

quote:
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"It makes me uncomfortable. I'll make it up to you, I promise." Erin didn't look to happy with that, but she acquiesced and sat down on the edge of the tub.

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OK, never mind that I’m desperate to see the girl fucked at this point , the word uncomfortable doesn’t ring true. Not sure if it’s just not something I believe someone would say…or if it’s inconsistent with how Paula’s been speaking up to this point. Hit it like a speed bump, though.

And it should be “Erin didn’t look too happy”. Minor detail, since I stopped here anyway.

-------I HAD SOME PROBLEMS WITH WORD CHOICE. I HATE THE PRHASE 'LOVE BUTTON' BUT I DECIDED IT WORKED FOR ERIN. I DONT' SEE UNCOMFORTABLE AS PROBLEMATIC (AND THAT BIT IS PRETTY MUCH VERBATIM FROM REALITY)

quote:
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After a few minutes, and after Erin came at least twice, Paula fought her way out of our clutches.

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Damn damn damn. You almost got through it without any of the clichés that bug me blind. “Came at least twice” sounds SO much like macho score keeping/shorthand for “the sex was great” that it puts me off. Who says two little ones are better than one big one? Or worse? I’ll take two deep breaths and keep going, it’s a small thing…and you do have brownie points left over for not telling me the size of your dick to 3 decimal places. Call it a personal pet peeve, I’ll get over it.

----- I SHARE THE PERSONAL PEEVE OF BEING OBSESSED WITH PENIS SIZE. I HAD WRITTEN IT THE FIRST TIME, AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE 'AFTER A FEW MINUTES' HANGING ON IT'S OWN. I WANTED MORE OF AN EMPHASIS ON TIME PASSING, AND THAT SOUNDED RIGHT FOR ME. AS I LOOK ON IT NOW, I'M NOT SURE IF I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN RID OF THE SENTENCE, BUT I SHOULD HAVE DUMPED THE 'AT LEAST.'
quote:
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"Lenny, I want you to fuck me in the ass." I pushed Erin's face away to make sure I didn't shoot off in her mouth; this was not an opportunity I was going to miss out on.

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OK, you’re forgiven for counting earlier. You’ve managed to make all the position switching totally believable for me, I’ve got a real feel of competition between the two girls. They’re trying to one-up each other. The escalation is wonderful.

-----THANKS

quote:
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The epilogue to this little story is the same as all of my stories: I'm a fucking asshole. I let - even encouraged - Paula to make plans for us to see Erin again.

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It works, because of how you started the first part. I’m surprised at how well it works, actually. I’m enough of a romantic to usually hate “asshole” stories . The sex in the second half doesn’t work as well for me though, it seems more perfunctory. More of an anticlimax than anything else if you follow me.

In any case, I’m seriously impressed. I enjoyed this very much. Thanks for pointing me at it!