Missconduct
Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2002
- Posts
- 49
Hi Everyone,
I'm new to this forum and relatively new to BDSM. My interest in BDSM is what led me to Literotica. When I first got a home computer, I discovered Internet porn for myself. My erotic fantasy life began to take on a more focused direction and I started having detailed rape fantasies. I hunted for rape fantasy stories and found Literotica. I consumed the non-consensual stories, then I moved to fetish and shortly after that I started reading about BDSM.
I had very little exposure to the BDSM lifestyle and system of protocol (for lack of a better term). I had only hoped to maybe find a partner with whom I could be intimate and honest enough to share my fantasies. I also am openly a freak within a freak community where several of my close friends are into BDSM. But it didn't occur to me that what I fantasized about was considered BDSM, so I never really engaged them in discussion. It's like all the pieces hadn't come together for me yet. Then I met a man through some friends. We "work" together on a sort of hobby group project which regularly socializes face-to-face. I got to know him over a year as a friend and an associate. I began to like him and asked him out. We dated a little and as interest grew, he came out to me as a Dom and a member of our local BDSM community. He was extremely closeted and shared very little of his private sex life with his close friends. I thought my dreams had come true. I told him I was interested in exploring this side of myself and he loaned me some of the standard literature. I eagerly consumed it and conducted extensive online research. I learned a lot about BDSM and myself.
However, the relationship was not easy. I kept approaching it "by the book" and discovered that talking about BDSM was uncomfortable for him. He had labeled me "vanilla" (even though we met through freak friends) and had me compartmentalized in such a way that when we talked he gave answers based on his prior experiences with (and assumptions about) vanilla people. He said his main focus was D/s but that he was not looking for a 24/7 relationship. He said most of his fantasies were non-consensual, that he had rape fantasies, that he was a control freak and a sadist. He said he liked to tie women up and fuck them. I was not completely clear about what D/s was at the time, so I asked him what he liked to do with respect to that. He said it would involve him holding me down by my hair and fucking me really hard. So with all of this information in our initial discussion, I said it all sounded good to me and like it matched my fantasies and I was eager to discuss it further and learn more. I made sure to ask if he wanted someone with more experience. He said it would be nice, but that he wasn't interested in "pain sluts." I made it clear that, although I had not explored pain play, I knew that I was not a masochist and that I did not require pain in order to get off.
He said he had been "doing this" for 20 years and came across as highly experienced. He said he had never had someone safe-word on him. Then he expressed some trepidation about having another "vanilla" partner because, in the past, they haven't wanted to scene. He also married very young and remained married over a decade. He claims his ex knew what she was getting into, however BDSM ended up being a real hot button in their marriage and it was hard for him talk about with me. He claims his ex-wife never discussed BDSM, treated it as taboo, submitted as "her wifely duty" and that he didn't want that kind of relationship again. He wanted someone who was genuinely interested. He is still good friends with his ex, which I took as a good sign. I also know a couple of his ex-girlfriends with whom he is also friends. I like them and they seem like very good women. One just wasn't into his kink and the other was into it, but was more in love with his friend. He did say that he had similar relationship issues with them as he was having with me. He also drinks heavily, which I took as a bad sign.
I was clear that since I was new at this, I wanted to start simple and build. We had a good first scene. There was so much I loved about it. Afterwards, he said he wanted to scene with me again. I was eager to give feedback the next time I saw him and before we scened again. I asked if he wanted to know, and when he said yes, I endeavored to tell him what worked and what didn't work for me and then find out the same from him. He didn't take the feedback very well. I felt he scoffed at what I liked or just wasn't interested. And the few things I thought that didn't work effected him very poorly such that he withdrew and had a hard time initiating scenes with me. He accused me of being bossy, demanding, pressuring and topping from the bottom. Due to perseverance and clear communication, I later found out that he felt I was grading him and that he got a poor grade. Well, that really was kind of what happened. And, according to my research, that is my prerogative as a consenting submissive as a means to protect myself.
The scene went a little like this: I had never been blindfolded, gagged or bound (let alone beaten). He blindfolded, gagged and hogtied me and laid me on my stomach on the bed. Then he started fumbling with chains and saying "whoops" and "darn." (I later found out he did this on purpose). But it made me panic a little and become short of breath. Being gagged, bound and on my stomach made breathing hard so I asked that the gag be removed. He obliged. Then he bound me in such a way that I could stand and lay half on the bed. He spanked me and conducted some other sensation play with toys. This was very arousing and I was awash in consuming sense of gratitude. I realized later that this was me heading for subspace. He began to fondle my genitals for the first time ever in our relationship and I was a little alarmed that he did not wear gloves (I had noticed that he had a few infected hangnails). When he inserted a two-in-one vibrating dildo in me without a condom, I was also a little concerned and it impeded my ability to orgasm. He then tied me spread-eagle to the bed and attempted to fist me. He never really seemed to know where my clit was and it was not easy to achieve an orgasm as a result. I finally did but I really needed to hear his voice and was afraid to say what I wanted him to do. Later that night he asked if I would like to suck his dick. Overall he was not very Dominant. I could not tell if he was holding back for my sake or if it was a performance anxiety issue for him or what. But I really needed to be told what to do. I was not comfortable asking for what I wanted in the scene. I was not under voice control so I did try to heat up the scene a little by asking him to go down on me and I discovered that he did not enjoy this activity. Anyway, I didn't even get a chance to share all of this with him because when I mentioned later that it is recommended condoms be used on toys shared with various partners, he shut down.
We had a couple of more scenes which I enjoyed. However, when I asked how I did after my first flogging, he said, "Not bad for a novice." I was coming out of my first official journey into subspace and this made me cry. I was not as upset by what he said as I was by the fact _that_ he said it. Because it revealed to me that he did not know what he was doing and I felt it demonstrated a huge lack of respect for me and my experience. He often referred to our scenes as "mild" which I allowed to unilaterally invalidate my experience because, for me, they were some of the most intense erotic experiences I had.
He could not articulate to me what he wanted from me, what pleased him, what I could do to satisfy him, what he liked and what his fantasies were. He would take things I said out of scene the wrong way, develop resentment and then be flippant to me in retaliation. When I called him on being flippant he would apologize and claim that he had taken that thing I said last week poorly and was reacting unconsciously to it. From all of my research and the great literature, I knew that this was not a good situation for me as a beginner submissive. Our communication did develop better and we were finally able to begin to talk about some things which were "trigger issues" for him. But he never could tell me what exactly those trigger issues were. He'd make unilateral comments, like, "I haven't been making this easy for you." And, "you have several personality traits which push my triggers." This created havoc with my self esteem and it nearly got to a point where I was afraid to scratch in front of him. If I asked him what those personality traits were, he'd withdraw and offer vague responses like, "You're asking for specifics." Or, "I'm not conscious of them until after they happen."
He rarely wanted to play or scene with me. He wanted to take a rope bondage class and when we did he snapped at me in front of the people and in the car ride home. I laid in bed naked next to him and he rarely touched me and never initiated sex or intimate activity. He would offer to scene and then disappear for a couple of hours in his office and then say he got out of the mood. He said it took him a long time to get into Domspace. When I finally asked what I could do to help him (which was uncomfortable for me 'cause I so wanted to be told what to do) he had no answers. I asked if he minded telling me to kneel, put on the collar or crawl, he said he had to think about it. I asked if I could volunteer these activities and he said, "That might be good." I felt lost most of the time and finally decided to end things. But each time I'd talk about ending it, he'd encourage me to stay and make clear efforts toward change (more than any partner I've ever been with).
Ultimately it appeared that intercourse, sex and intimacy were not part of the package. He could stay erect for a long time, but he would not ejaculate with oral or penetration. I discovered this is a sexual dysfunction called delayed or retarded ejaculation. The few blow-jobs he did ask for (because he knew I liked doing this) he either fell asleep or would tell me it felt good and then tell me to stop. He had never received a hand job nor masturbated in front of a partner. When I addressed this and asked if he enjoyed sexual gratification during, from or after play, he said it rarely happened and it was a problem because he'd get a sort of testosterone poisoning when a scene was over which left him frustrated and grumpy. He was also really afraid that punishment would divide us and scare me away. No matter how much I explained that I fully understood the concept of punishment and I was a consenting participant with him in D/s. I finally articulated my understanding of punishment in such a way that he even said he couldn't have put it better himself.
So, in our final scene which involved punishment, I feel he went about it very well. In prior subspace he had hit me hard with a double leather belt (not a tawse, but one with the two pieces of leather which flap against each other--what's that called?) and I enjoyed it. It left a mark for about two weeks, so it was a relatively hard hit. He knew how hard to hit me so I'd feel it hurt if not in subspace and prepared to whack my ass cheek nearest him with the implement. Unfortunately it wrapped and smacked my clit and labia. My mind reeled. I was incensed in thinking that he did not know what he was doing. I knew this was no way to begin pussy torture on a beginner whom you wanted to keep around, and it wasn't very smart punishment if he intended to continue playing with me immediately afterwards. So I had to safe-word. He untied me immediately. I ran to the bathroom to see if my plumbing still worked. When I returned, I was irate. When he said it was an accident and he didn't mean for it to wrap, I crumbled. I felt stupid for safe-wording. I felt like a wimp. I felt like a novice, unwanted, loser sub. He comforted me and said I was smart to safe-word (that doesn't mean I enjoyed doing it). Thing is, my pussy was dripping wet and by that afternoon I was horny as a dog. So I totally can see the value of this sort of treatment. The next day he finally out and out told me how he wanted our time together to be. He painted a picture which mowed down a couple of my already declared hard limits (which he forgot even though he told me to type and print them out for him). I felt like I had no choice, like I had to do what he was telling me and it made me feel forsaken and empty inside. I was quiet for a long time and he finally said he had no idea that was how I'd respond since the prior scene went so well, safe-word and all. He told me that what he was he was doing was beginning a negotiation and that I didn't have to do everything he said if I didn't want to. But by then I was speechless. Some sort of disconnect happened where I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. It was actually more a feeling of discouragement. And at that point, all I wanted was to have my still aching pussy tenderly and lovingly licked and I knew he didn't like to do that. Ultimately the truth was clear, we were a mismatch. The relationship was allowed to continue long past when this should have been established, so there was heartbreak and huge disappointment on both sides.
He is a great guy. We have remained friends. He has been more supportive and there for me as a friend than he was as a partner. He says he grew more comfortable talking about BDSM with me than with anyone and that he learned a lot about himself. Right now, he realizes that he does not know what kind of Dom he is and what he wants in a relationship with a submissive. He is surprised at how comfortable he's become about people knowing of his interests. I have a wonderful community of unique, loving, supportive friends who have welcomed, embraced and accepted him. He loves them and they love him. I sense that he has never really had the opportunity to play at the level he'd like. He's never had a BDSM girlfriend who whole-heartedly participated with him. He's played with various subs but never found someone he felt intellectually and socially compatible with. He had some financial difficulties while we were together which I know interfered with his libido. We wanted to take more classes but we just couldn't afford them at the time. He currently does not have the best relationship with his Dom side and I see him stifle himself, forsaking this very important part of himself. I sense that this part of him is very wounded--he could only allude to his marriage, but I imagine that experience may have left him greatly emasculated. He says the divorce nearly killed him. He was obviously not ready for the type of relationship he claimed he wanted with me but constantly told me that I was not ready. I have a tremendous amount of compassion and understanding for him. I adore him and would love to see him fulfill his desires. I would love even more to be the one who can participate with him to this end. However, his drinking is an issue. He does not appear to possess the self-control necessary to have the type of relationship he says he wants. And no matter how attracted to him I am, I cannot put myself in that kind of danger.
However, this experience has left me feeling very vulnerable, overly sensitive, undesirable and a little afraid of playing. I have tons of supportive friends in my local BDSM community who have made it clear to me that they are there for me and will help whenever I'm ready. I have a very skilled Domme friend who has assured me that I did the right thing, that I wasn't topping from the bottom, that what I did is called "participation," and when I'm ready she would love to either play with me or introduce me to a bevy of men who would love nothing more than to discover me in this way. I have a very strong and dynamic personality and I'm a tall woman. So I fit many people's fantasies as a Domme. However, this is clearly not who I am. My fantasies and desires do not involve my being the top. I struggled with this a little until I found some information which validated my experience. I use my dynamic personality and can come off a bit intimidating as a protective reaction to that soft, vulnerable, little thing inside me that wants so desperately to please those I love. This has been an excellent lesson for me. If I were told I have vulnerabilities a year ago, I would've come across defensively and stated, "I'm strong, damnit!" But now I see that I do have vulnerabilities and, moreover, vulnerability can be sexy.
All of this has left me frustrated, insecure and invalidated. Where once I had a rich and satisfying fantasy life with tons of mind-blowing self-induced orgasms, I grew disconnected from that. I'm a little better, but I still am confused. I like sex. I consider it all to be sex. I don't like to call it "vanilla." I started referring to activities in our relationship as BDSM and Non-BDSM Sexual Expression just so that I could remove the labeling and stigma. But for me, when I say sex, I mean any and all forms of sexual expression. And my belief is that we do these things ultimately for sexual arousal, stimulation and/or satisfaction. I mean, I know there's so much more which cannot be easily articulated (no matter how hard everyone tries), but isn't that ultimately the bottom line? This situation has made me doubt that I can have what I want. Is it sex or not? Is it for mutual gratification or not? I read all the wonderful fantasies you all share and the information about how it should be and I just don't believe it can really exist.
I want to be told what to do, I want to please, I want to know how to please my partner, I want to know _that_ I please my partner, I want my partner to be interested in pleasing me, I want sensual punishment followed by good, hard fucking. Is that wrong? I read Different Loving and several of those interviewed had part time D/s relationships where they were equals when not in scene. I want that. I also want to be demeaned, humiliated, teased, controlled and spanked as well as loved, treasured and cherished. I have trouble figuring out how to be a supportive and encouraging equal partner as the submissive without a) bruising my beloved's ego, b) feeling like I'm taking too much charge and/or c) compromising the power exchange. Is it possible to be a submissive and still speak my mind to my partner? To say when I don't think things seem right and contribute ideas on how I think it can go right? Is it possible to provide my partner with practice and experience without becoming a punching bag? Am I allowed to say what I like and don't like? Is it unrealistic to expect to be able to make suggestions about how I think scenes can improve? Can I initiate negotiation after a relationship has been established? If so, how?
Thanks for your time and any feedback you can afford. Sorry this was so long.
I'm new to this forum and relatively new to BDSM. My interest in BDSM is what led me to Literotica. When I first got a home computer, I discovered Internet porn for myself. My erotic fantasy life began to take on a more focused direction and I started having detailed rape fantasies. I hunted for rape fantasy stories and found Literotica. I consumed the non-consensual stories, then I moved to fetish and shortly after that I started reading about BDSM.
I had very little exposure to the BDSM lifestyle and system of protocol (for lack of a better term). I had only hoped to maybe find a partner with whom I could be intimate and honest enough to share my fantasies. I also am openly a freak within a freak community where several of my close friends are into BDSM. But it didn't occur to me that what I fantasized about was considered BDSM, so I never really engaged them in discussion. It's like all the pieces hadn't come together for me yet. Then I met a man through some friends. We "work" together on a sort of hobby group project which regularly socializes face-to-face. I got to know him over a year as a friend and an associate. I began to like him and asked him out. We dated a little and as interest grew, he came out to me as a Dom and a member of our local BDSM community. He was extremely closeted and shared very little of his private sex life with his close friends. I thought my dreams had come true. I told him I was interested in exploring this side of myself and he loaned me some of the standard literature. I eagerly consumed it and conducted extensive online research. I learned a lot about BDSM and myself.
However, the relationship was not easy. I kept approaching it "by the book" and discovered that talking about BDSM was uncomfortable for him. He had labeled me "vanilla" (even though we met through freak friends) and had me compartmentalized in such a way that when we talked he gave answers based on his prior experiences with (and assumptions about) vanilla people. He said his main focus was D/s but that he was not looking for a 24/7 relationship. He said most of his fantasies were non-consensual, that he had rape fantasies, that he was a control freak and a sadist. He said he liked to tie women up and fuck them. I was not completely clear about what D/s was at the time, so I asked him what he liked to do with respect to that. He said it would involve him holding me down by my hair and fucking me really hard. So with all of this information in our initial discussion, I said it all sounded good to me and like it matched my fantasies and I was eager to discuss it further and learn more. I made sure to ask if he wanted someone with more experience. He said it would be nice, but that he wasn't interested in "pain sluts." I made it clear that, although I had not explored pain play, I knew that I was not a masochist and that I did not require pain in order to get off.
He said he had been "doing this" for 20 years and came across as highly experienced. He said he had never had someone safe-word on him. Then he expressed some trepidation about having another "vanilla" partner because, in the past, they haven't wanted to scene. He also married very young and remained married over a decade. He claims his ex knew what she was getting into, however BDSM ended up being a real hot button in their marriage and it was hard for him talk about with me. He claims his ex-wife never discussed BDSM, treated it as taboo, submitted as "her wifely duty" and that he didn't want that kind of relationship again. He wanted someone who was genuinely interested. He is still good friends with his ex, which I took as a good sign. I also know a couple of his ex-girlfriends with whom he is also friends. I like them and they seem like very good women. One just wasn't into his kink and the other was into it, but was more in love with his friend. He did say that he had similar relationship issues with them as he was having with me. He also drinks heavily, which I took as a bad sign.
I was clear that since I was new at this, I wanted to start simple and build. We had a good first scene. There was so much I loved about it. Afterwards, he said he wanted to scene with me again. I was eager to give feedback the next time I saw him and before we scened again. I asked if he wanted to know, and when he said yes, I endeavored to tell him what worked and what didn't work for me and then find out the same from him. He didn't take the feedback very well. I felt he scoffed at what I liked or just wasn't interested. And the few things I thought that didn't work effected him very poorly such that he withdrew and had a hard time initiating scenes with me. He accused me of being bossy, demanding, pressuring and topping from the bottom. Due to perseverance and clear communication, I later found out that he felt I was grading him and that he got a poor grade. Well, that really was kind of what happened. And, according to my research, that is my prerogative as a consenting submissive as a means to protect myself.
The scene went a little like this: I had never been blindfolded, gagged or bound (let alone beaten). He blindfolded, gagged and hogtied me and laid me on my stomach on the bed. Then he started fumbling with chains and saying "whoops" and "darn." (I later found out he did this on purpose). But it made me panic a little and become short of breath. Being gagged, bound and on my stomach made breathing hard so I asked that the gag be removed. He obliged. Then he bound me in such a way that I could stand and lay half on the bed. He spanked me and conducted some other sensation play with toys. This was very arousing and I was awash in consuming sense of gratitude. I realized later that this was me heading for subspace. He began to fondle my genitals for the first time ever in our relationship and I was a little alarmed that he did not wear gloves (I had noticed that he had a few infected hangnails). When he inserted a two-in-one vibrating dildo in me without a condom, I was also a little concerned and it impeded my ability to orgasm. He then tied me spread-eagle to the bed and attempted to fist me. He never really seemed to know where my clit was and it was not easy to achieve an orgasm as a result. I finally did but I really needed to hear his voice and was afraid to say what I wanted him to do. Later that night he asked if I would like to suck his dick. Overall he was not very Dominant. I could not tell if he was holding back for my sake or if it was a performance anxiety issue for him or what. But I really needed to be told what to do. I was not comfortable asking for what I wanted in the scene. I was not under voice control so I did try to heat up the scene a little by asking him to go down on me and I discovered that he did not enjoy this activity. Anyway, I didn't even get a chance to share all of this with him because when I mentioned later that it is recommended condoms be used on toys shared with various partners, he shut down.
We had a couple of more scenes which I enjoyed. However, when I asked how I did after my first flogging, he said, "Not bad for a novice." I was coming out of my first official journey into subspace and this made me cry. I was not as upset by what he said as I was by the fact _that_ he said it. Because it revealed to me that he did not know what he was doing and I felt it demonstrated a huge lack of respect for me and my experience. He often referred to our scenes as "mild" which I allowed to unilaterally invalidate my experience because, for me, they were some of the most intense erotic experiences I had.
He could not articulate to me what he wanted from me, what pleased him, what I could do to satisfy him, what he liked and what his fantasies were. He would take things I said out of scene the wrong way, develop resentment and then be flippant to me in retaliation. When I called him on being flippant he would apologize and claim that he had taken that thing I said last week poorly and was reacting unconsciously to it. From all of my research and the great literature, I knew that this was not a good situation for me as a beginner submissive. Our communication did develop better and we were finally able to begin to talk about some things which were "trigger issues" for him. But he never could tell me what exactly those trigger issues were. He'd make unilateral comments, like, "I haven't been making this easy for you." And, "you have several personality traits which push my triggers." This created havoc with my self esteem and it nearly got to a point where I was afraid to scratch in front of him. If I asked him what those personality traits were, he'd withdraw and offer vague responses like, "You're asking for specifics." Or, "I'm not conscious of them until after they happen."
He rarely wanted to play or scene with me. He wanted to take a rope bondage class and when we did he snapped at me in front of the people and in the car ride home. I laid in bed naked next to him and he rarely touched me and never initiated sex or intimate activity. He would offer to scene and then disappear for a couple of hours in his office and then say he got out of the mood. He said it took him a long time to get into Domspace. When I finally asked what I could do to help him (which was uncomfortable for me 'cause I so wanted to be told what to do) he had no answers. I asked if he minded telling me to kneel, put on the collar or crawl, he said he had to think about it. I asked if I could volunteer these activities and he said, "That might be good." I felt lost most of the time and finally decided to end things. But each time I'd talk about ending it, he'd encourage me to stay and make clear efforts toward change (more than any partner I've ever been with).
Ultimately it appeared that intercourse, sex and intimacy were not part of the package. He could stay erect for a long time, but he would not ejaculate with oral or penetration. I discovered this is a sexual dysfunction called delayed or retarded ejaculation. The few blow-jobs he did ask for (because he knew I liked doing this) he either fell asleep or would tell me it felt good and then tell me to stop. He had never received a hand job nor masturbated in front of a partner. When I addressed this and asked if he enjoyed sexual gratification during, from or after play, he said it rarely happened and it was a problem because he'd get a sort of testosterone poisoning when a scene was over which left him frustrated and grumpy. He was also really afraid that punishment would divide us and scare me away. No matter how much I explained that I fully understood the concept of punishment and I was a consenting participant with him in D/s. I finally articulated my understanding of punishment in such a way that he even said he couldn't have put it better himself.
So, in our final scene which involved punishment, I feel he went about it very well. In prior subspace he had hit me hard with a double leather belt (not a tawse, but one with the two pieces of leather which flap against each other--what's that called?) and I enjoyed it. It left a mark for about two weeks, so it was a relatively hard hit. He knew how hard to hit me so I'd feel it hurt if not in subspace and prepared to whack my ass cheek nearest him with the implement. Unfortunately it wrapped and smacked my clit and labia. My mind reeled. I was incensed in thinking that he did not know what he was doing. I knew this was no way to begin pussy torture on a beginner whom you wanted to keep around, and it wasn't very smart punishment if he intended to continue playing with me immediately afterwards. So I had to safe-word. He untied me immediately. I ran to the bathroom to see if my plumbing still worked. When I returned, I was irate. When he said it was an accident and he didn't mean for it to wrap, I crumbled. I felt stupid for safe-wording. I felt like a wimp. I felt like a novice, unwanted, loser sub. He comforted me and said I was smart to safe-word (that doesn't mean I enjoyed doing it). Thing is, my pussy was dripping wet and by that afternoon I was horny as a dog. So I totally can see the value of this sort of treatment. The next day he finally out and out told me how he wanted our time together to be. He painted a picture which mowed down a couple of my already declared hard limits (which he forgot even though he told me to type and print them out for him). I felt like I had no choice, like I had to do what he was telling me and it made me feel forsaken and empty inside. I was quiet for a long time and he finally said he had no idea that was how I'd respond since the prior scene went so well, safe-word and all. He told me that what he was he was doing was beginning a negotiation and that I didn't have to do everything he said if I didn't want to. But by then I was speechless. Some sort of disconnect happened where I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. It was actually more a feeling of discouragement. And at that point, all I wanted was to have my still aching pussy tenderly and lovingly licked and I knew he didn't like to do that. Ultimately the truth was clear, we were a mismatch. The relationship was allowed to continue long past when this should have been established, so there was heartbreak and huge disappointment on both sides.
He is a great guy. We have remained friends. He has been more supportive and there for me as a friend than he was as a partner. He says he grew more comfortable talking about BDSM with me than with anyone and that he learned a lot about himself. Right now, he realizes that he does not know what kind of Dom he is and what he wants in a relationship with a submissive. He is surprised at how comfortable he's become about people knowing of his interests. I have a wonderful community of unique, loving, supportive friends who have welcomed, embraced and accepted him. He loves them and they love him. I sense that he has never really had the opportunity to play at the level he'd like. He's never had a BDSM girlfriend who whole-heartedly participated with him. He's played with various subs but never found someone he felt intellectually and socially compatible with. He had some financial difficulties while we were together which I know interfered with his libido. We wanted to take more classes but we just couldn't afford them at the time. He currently does not have the best relationship with his Dom side and I see him stifle himself, forsaking this very important part of himself. I sense that this part of him is very wounded--he could only allude to his marriage, but I imagine that experience may have left him greatly emasculated. He says the divorce nearly killed him. He was obviously not ready for the type of relationship he claimed he wanted with me but constantly told me that I was not ready. I have a tremendous amount of compassion and understanding for him. I adore him and would love to see him fulfill his desires. I would love even more to be the one who can participate with him to this end. However, his drinking is an issue. He does not appear to possess the self-control necessary to have the type of relationship he says he wants. And no matter how attracted to him I am, I cannot put myself in that kind of danger.
However, this experience has left me feeling very vulnerable, overly sensitive, undesirable and a little afraid of playing. I have tons of supportive friends in my local BDSM community who have made it clear to me that they are there for me and will help whenever I'm ready. I have a very skilled Domme friend who has assured me that I did the right thing, that I wasn't topping from the bottom, that what I did is called "participation," and when I'm ready she would love to either play with me or introduce me to a bevy of men who would love nothing more than to discover me in this way. I have a very strong and dynamic personality and I'm a tall woman. So I fit many people's fantasies as a Domme. However, this is clearly not who I am. My fantasies and desires do not involve my being the top. I struggled with this a little until I found some information which validated my experience. I use my dynamic personality and can come off a bit intimidating as a protective reaction to that soft, vulnerable, little thing inside me that wants so desperately to please those I love. This has been an excellent lesson for me. If I were told I have vulnerabilities a year ago, I would've come across defensively and stated, "I'm strong, damnit!" But now I see that I do have vulnerabilities and, moreover, vulnerability can be sexy.
All of this has left me frustrated, insecure and invalidated. Where once I had a rich and satisfying fantasy life with tons of mind-blowing self-induced orgasms, I grew disconnected from that. I'm a little better, but I still am confused. I like sex. I consider it all to be sex. I don't like to call it "vanilla." I started referring to activities in our relationship as BDSM and Non-BDSM Sexual Expression just so that I could remove the labeling and stigma. But for me, when I say sex, I mean any and all forms of sexual expression. And my belief is that we do these things ultimately for sexual arousal, stimulation and/or satisfaction. I mean, I know there's so much more which cannot be easily articulated (no matter how hard everyone tries), but isn't that ultimately the bottom line? This situation has made me doubt that I can have what I want. Is it sex or not? Is it for mutual gratification or not? I read all the wonderful fantasies you all share and the information about how it should be and I just don't believe it can really exist.
I want to be told what to do, I want to please, I want to know how to please my partner, I want to know _that_ I please my partner, I want my partner to be interested in pleasing me, I want sensual punishment followed by good, hard fucking. Is that wrong? I read Different Loving and several of those interviewed had part time D/s relationships where they were equals when not in scene. I want that. I also want to be demeaned, humiliated, teased, controlled and spanked as well as loved, treasured and cherished. I have trouble figuring out how to be a supportive and encouraging equal partner as the submissive without a) bruising my beloved's ego, b) feeling like I'm taking too much charge and/or c) compromising the power exchange. Is it possible to be a submissive and still speak my mind to my partner? To say when I don't think things seem right and contribute ideas on how I think it can go right? Is it possible to provide my partner with practice and experience without becoming a punching bag? Am I allowed to say what I like and don't like? Is it unrealistic to expect to be able to make suggestions about how I think scenes can improve? Can I initiate negotiation after a relationship has been established? If so, how?
Thanks for your time and any feedback you can afford. Sorry this was so long.
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