Illiterate Putdowns (Or, "Putdowns for the Rest of Us")

[shereads]

The ultimate putdown by my nephew at age four when I told him that no, his grandparents' house guests did not want to see him running naked through the living room:

"You - You - You are not my friend, you can't come to my house and you can't play with my toys!"

As an adult, I was able to come back with a sly retort:

"Yeah? Well guess what, I don't want to play with your toys!"

 

[minsue]

As an adult, I was able to come back with a sly retort:

"Yeah? Well guess what, I don't want to play with your toys!"

Reminds me of the first argument I won, so far the only one in the victory column for me, with the niece I refer to as my mini-me. (looks just like me, instead of her parents; acts just like me, instead of her parents) I don't remember what we were arguing about or what I said to win, but I do remember feeling really smug that I had FINALLY won one. I also remember the look on my mother's face when, after about 5 minutes of silence from that sweet lil 4 year old, this little voice pipes up from the back of the car to say, 'Aunt Mindy, that was really mean.' Oops.

Oh well, I'm rubber & she's glue.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Re: Re: "I know you are, but what am I?"

The end of the argument is still "Shut up!"

My Dad taught me a good way to end one of my sister's ugly tirades. His advice was to keep up with whatever line of "I know you are, but what am I? -- I'm rubber you're glue... -- Sticks and sotnes... -- And your point is?" until she was good and pissed off, and then toss out 'I love you' in place of 'Shut up' and it worked every time.

Most of the time she opened her mouth to rebut the expected come back, but there was a distinct moment of recognition on her face as my response registered and I got the last word every single time without ever having to be ugly. It was wonderful to watch her stomp off and the door slamming loudly was her reply. She loved me too.


~lucky

 

[lucky-E-leven]

"Talk to the hand, 'cause the face ain't listenin'!"


~lucky (faces can listen?)

 

[Guest]

"Hands off, I saw him first."

"Didn't."

"Did."

"Tough shit, he's mine now."

"Eat shit and die."

"Same to you, with knobs on."

 

[snooper]

Traditional end of an argument in the UK armed forces, implying that the arguer has run out of things to say:

"Get your hair cut!"

 

[shereads]

Southern tavern put-down:

"I bet your sister gives good snout."

Note that this is also used as a come-on.

 

[NoJo]

Written on a boulder by the road:

STINKY STINKS BAD

Thanks for my new logline, Box

 

[shereads]

Thanks for my new logline, Box

Sub Joe, honey, is Buddha channeling Charles Manson?

 

[NoJo]

Hey, that's not Charles Manson, that's me. Scary, aint I?

 

[shereads]

Hey, that's not Charles Manson, that's me. Scary, aint I?

Well it is when you stare at me that way, yes.

Maybe if Manson wouldn't be all scowly-faced all the time, he'd be more popular.



Flashback to a late-late-night talk show that was popular in the U.S. a couple of decades back. Tom Snyder. One night he did Charles Manson's first TV interview from prison, and had the misfortune to find himself laughing at one of Charles Manson's jokes. You can imagine how embarrassing this would be; it was still the most infamous mass murder spree in America, and Manson was unrepentant.

Snyder has asked him, "Is it true that you believe you're Jesus Christ?"

Manson replied, "Yeah, but there are so many of us in here, it's a little confusing."

 

[Guest]

If I want your opinion, I'll rattle your cage.

You don't have the sense God gave a cabbage.

STFUAD (Shut the Fuck up and Die.)

Go stick your head in an oven.

Your mama's so (insert whatever you want here, almost anything would work.)

 

[NoJo]

Maybe if Manson wouldn't be all scowly-faced all the time, he'd be more popular.

Okay, I'm safely behind bars now.

Back on topic:
I like to use

Get thee hence, foul spawn of Yod

when I'm really, really furious with someone.

 

[gauchecritic]

An' it please you sir.

(oops wrong put down thread)

Gauche

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Okay, I'm safely behind bars now.

Back on topic:
I like to use

Get thee hence, foul spawn of Yod

when I'm really, really furious with someone.

Oh, nice. Do you lick your wife with that mouth?

 

[RenzaJones]

You look like a bucket of two day old fuck
(said by a friend, I always wondered just how bad a bucket of two day old fuck looked after that)

 

[Wildcard Ky]

Did your parents have any children that lived?

The best part of you ran down your mothers leg.

If stupid ideas were worth money you'd be a fucking billionaire.

 

[Guest]

An' it please you sir.

To give credit where due, Gauche, I am impressed, and delighted. I knew of Perdita's query so did a search.

Perdita


Measure for Measure - Act 2, Scene 1

FROTH: Yes, an't please you, sir.
----------------------
The Winter's Tale - Act 4, Scene 4

PERDITA: Even here undone!
I was not much afeard; for once or twice
I was about to speak and tell him plainly,
The selfsame sun that shines upon his court
Hides not his visage from our cottage but
Looks on alike. Will't please you, sir, be gone?
I told you what would come of this: beseech you,
Of your own state take care: this dream of mine,--
Being now awake, I'll queen it no inch farther,
But milk my ewes and weep.
. . .
SHEPHERD: An't please you, sir, to undertake the business for
us, here is that gold I have: I'll make it as much
more and leave this young man in pawn till I bring it you.

 

[smutpen]

You look like a gorilla suckin' on a lemon.

-- Redd Foxx, from "Sanford and Son."

 

[shereads]

My all-time favorite put-down:

"Hello," he lied.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I once told a guy "don't purse your lips like that, it makes your mouth look like a hen's arse!"













Well, it DID!