If you were with someone for 17 years...
- Thread starter *bratcat*
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if your being honest
and do not love him. why would you stay? and this is chance number? from what you have told me, it is best if you both move on. it would be better in the long run for the kids not to be exposed to arguing and fighting. kids are much more perceptive then adults realize. and neither of you can be at your best for the kids, if your not happy with yourself.
and do not love him. why would you stay? and this is chance number? from what you have told me, it is best if you both move on. it would be better in the long run for the kids not to be exposed to arguing and fighting. kids are much more perceptive then adults realize. and neither of you can be at your best for the kids, if your not happy with yourself.
I think you should give it a chance, and if you still feel the same after the seperation, walk away. To stay is to not give either of you a fair chance. Kids also know when there's something wrong, too. To stay together "for the kids" is almost always a mistake.
unusuallyconfused
BLUE EYED BABE
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BratCat, Eleven years myself, and I'm going through the same thing, I completely understand. I am starting marriage counseling in two weeks! I know what its like waiting and waiting for change, and then when you finally don't care, they decide to change.
Are you also my age? I think you are close, I have kids too. I would be a two time loser with kids, it is very depressing. For what it is worth, someone told me it was OK to be CONFUSED. Its a daily problem!!!lol, hope it works out for you.
Are you also my age? I think you are close, I have kids too. I would be a two time loser with kids, it is very depressing. For what it is worth, someone told me it was OK to be CONFUSED. Its a daily problem!!!lol, hope it works out for you.
willywanker
just one man's opinion
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Brat, I don't envy you this one. I've been in your shoes.
One piece of advice. If you stay, you have to be committed to really working on it, not just waiting to see what will happen. My ex and I went to a counselor, were seperated, the whole bit. But she was never honest about the real reasons behind the whole thing (another man). I tried to get her to take a mini vacation, just the two of us, she said we couldn't afford it. I think the child support I've paid for the last 6 years would tell a different story.
But as we left the lawyers office after signing the final papers, she said something that still burns and stings today. She said "I alway thought you would win me back. I didn't think it would end like this." She turned down every advance I made to do things together but she still made it my fault in the end.
So, either be commited to working on it together or don't waste each others time.
Just one man's opinion.
One piece of advice. If you stay, you have to be committed to really working on it, not just waiting to see what will happen. My ex and I went to a counselor, were seperated, the whole bit. But she was never honest about the real reasons behind the whole thing (another man). I tried to get her to take a mini vacation, just the two of us, she said we couldn't afford it. I think the child support I've paid for the last 6 years would tell a different story.
But as we left the lawyers office after signing the final papers, she said something that still burns and stings today. She said "I alway thought you would win me back. I didn't think it would end like this." She turned down every advance I made to do things together but she still made it my fault in the end.
So, either be commited to working on it together or don't waste each others time.
Just one man's opinion.
unusuallyconfused
BLUE EYED BABE
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Re: 39 next week...
I was told that the behavior can change before the thought process does, and it is ok to not be trusting. I am going through the exact same thing. I am staying because He is trying, and I am hoping to fall in love again. I need to have love in my relationship. Damn, it is hard. I really believe if you leave, the relationship has a worse chance of getting back together. If you feel nothing whatsoever from that statement, then it has very very poor odds.
*bratcat* said:
I was told that the behavior can change before the thought process does, and it is ok to not be trusting. I am going through the exact same thing. I am staying because He is trying, and I am hoping to fall in love again. I need to have love in my relationship. Damn, it is hard. I really believe if you leave, the relationship has a worse chance of getting back together. If you feel nothing whatsoever from that statement, then it has very very poor odds.
unusuallyconfused
BLUE EYED BABE
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ps, I just turned 36, so we are definetely close in age. Well, does your husband know you are on Lit?
G
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*bratcat* said:
Why would you want to be with someone you weren't in love with? If you aren't in love... and you aren't happy... why stay in this relationship? If you don't love him now....do you honestly think that time away is going to 'suddenly' make you realize that you do?
People only change if they want to.....and the person REALLY has to want to.
scylis
Assassin/Subtlety Spec'd
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unless there is a major change in one or both of the people involved, falling back in love has got about a 0% chance of happening.
so one of you must make a big change in attitude or else you should just call it quits. don't keep trying till the both of you just can't take it anymore, b/c those are some of the really messy divorces, and that's hell for kids. try to end it on the best of terms feasably possible.
so one of you must make a big change in attitude or else you should just call it quits. don't keep trying till the both of you just can't take it anymore, b/c those are some of the really messy divorces, and that's hell for kids. try to end it on the best of terms feasably possible.
G
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There is hope......
a small amount of it......but say you do separate for a while.... and he gets time... and you get time..... but while you are apart from him... you will most likely be thinking of him and what he is up to..... and he will probably do the same thing....
So then when you do get back together.... you'll have the extra added problem of the 'what did you do and who did you do while I was gone'
then there is the thing of you might meet someone while seperated..... or he might. It kinda makes it hard on the other person if its just a 'trial separation' and then they want to get back together
a small amount of it......but say you do separate for a while.... and he gets time... and you get time..... but while you are apart from him... you will most likely be thinking of him and what he is up to..... and he will probably do the same thing....
So then when you do get back together.... you'll have the extra added problem of the 'what did you do and who did you do while I was gone'
then there is the thing of you might meet someone while seperated..... or he might. It kinda makes it hard on the other person if its just a 'trial separation' and then they want to get back together
Not one for giving advice much, but I have been there, done that.
Best advice I can give you is to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Be honest with yourself. My ex and I separated, and I was terrified of suddenly being on my own after being married for so long. I wasn't sure how to tell if I loved him anymore. So I made a list, being honest with myself, and I realized I didn't enjoy being with him, I didn't look forward to seeing him , we had nothing in common anymore, but mostly, I didn't miss him when he wasn't around. That was as unfair to him as it was to me. We are divorced now, I have found a strength in me I didn't know I had. And I am standing on my own two feet and feeling good about that. But be prepared for the loneliness, the doubts, the looking back, and the what if's, they will eat at you. I have now met someone on here that I feel very strongly about (as most of you know, lol) and we are moving forward, and It feels good to feel love again. Don't cheat yourself of that. I wish you luck, it's one of the hardest decisions you will ever make. Ask yourself the right questions Brat..
Best advice I can give you is to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Be honest with yourself. My ex and I separated, and I was terrified of suddenly being on my own after being married for so long. I wasn't sure how to tell if I loved him anymore. So I made a list, being honest with myself, and I realized I didn't enjoy being with him, I didn't look forward to seeing him , we had nothing in common anymore, but mostly, I didn't miss him when he wasn't around. That was as unfair to him as it was to me. We are divorced now, I have found a strength in me I didn't know I had. And I am standing on my own two feet and feeling good about that. But be prepared for the loneliness, the doubts, the looking back, and the what if's, they will eat at you. I have now met someone on here that I feel very strongly about (as most of you know, lol) and we are moving forward, and It feels good to feel love again. Don't cheat yourself of that. I wish you luck, it's one of the hardest decisions you will ever make. Ask yourself the right questions Brat..
plasticman33
Tight Jeans
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Cat, my love, it's difficult to say. In my first marriage I stayed long after love/lust had died. For the sake of the children was the excuse I used. In retrospect it was a poor decision as the relationship was in reality detrimental to the childrens welfare, not to mention the destruction of my own self worth. Sometimes what seems to the world as a selfish act, can actually be the opposite.
Kisses, hon.
Kisses, hon.
plasticman33
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No thanks necessary, I have an ulterior motive.
KillerMuffin
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Are you sure you don't love him? Is it the boredom, he drives me nuts, one of us has issues we're not addressing, we seem to have grown apart in interests and don't do things together anymore, ad naseum, sort of thing? Sometimes the lack of the excitement of infatuation and the dead boring everyday life can mislead us into thinking that the love just isn't there. We see or speak with other men and wonder what if? If he was just gone, I could have so much fun, or so and so is such a great guy, why can't I have a great guy? Can you trust yourself to judge whether or not you love him? Obviously he had something going for him or you wouldn't have married him in the first place. He has good qualities, can you remember what they are? Or do they bore you? Would counseling help? Are you willing to commit to him again 100% like you did when you were first married? Is he willing to do the same?
Don't listen on whit to people who ask, "then why do you stay with him?" All that means is that they're only hearing you bitching about him, not hearing you compliment him. As theraputic as it is to bitch about his failings, it's just as theraputic for you to compliment him. Sort of remind yourself why he's a good guy.
All this is, of course, assuming he's interested in working with you on the marriage, and you're interested in working with him.
Don't listen on whit to people who ask, "then why do you stay with him?" All that means is that they're only hearing you bitching about him, not hearing you compliment him. As theraputic as it is to bitch about his failings, it's just as theraputic for you to compliment him. Sort of remind yourself why he's a good guy.
All this is, of course, assuming he's interested in working with you on the marriage, and you're interested in working with him.
plasticman33
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Be afraid! Be very afraid! NOT! 
Re: good question..
To start with,,, there is ALMOST always a chance of a relationship recovering.
As for telling clues of when a relationship is over,,,
when it feels like a chore to maintain a semblane of friendliness,,, when you no longer care about what they think or do,,,
when there are more than one or two places you'd rather be instead of being with them,,,
you no longer care what their reaction is going to be to your action,,,
when you are staying out've a sense of duty rather than any interest on your part.
As for REALLY knowing,,, absolutely NO ONE can answer that but you. You are the only one with a direct contact to your emotions and are solely responsible for determining what passes for a comfort level fo you.
*bratcat* said:
To start with,,, there is ALMOST always a chance of a relationship recovering.
As for telling clues of when a relationship is over,,,
when it feels like a chore to maintain a semblane of friendliness,,, when you no longer care about what they think or do,,,
when there are more than one or two places you'd rather be instead of being with them,,,
you no longer care what their reaction is going to be to your action,,,
when you are staying out've a sense of duty rather than any interest on your part.
As for REALLY knowing,,, absolutely NO ONE can answer that but you. You are the only one with a direct contact to your emotions and are solely responsible for determining what passes for a comfort level fo you.
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