If you please ...

[sandj]

OK, you are under no obligation, but here is a sonnet that I would like some feedback on. My main concern here is the technique. Does it read smoothly? Do the lines have a sense of fluidity? Are the rhythms too entangled with the meter? Is it overwhelmed by meter? Are the rhymes predictable/ridiculous/distracting? Comments reflecting your general impressions are also welcome, of course.

Just a final note: I do not mind negative criticism or honest opinions. However, I will be more receptive to respectful comments. In that spirit, I appreciate the time and effort you put into your responses.

Thank you,
s

As quiet hands may fold in quiet prayer
I fold my body into yours, no less
an act of faith, devotion, worship, where
your hands find mine and, clasping, gently press
as palm to palm we dance inside the stillness
and Time's relentless drive is unaware
we've slipped away, and our beautiful mess
sings loud, a soundless chant in thinning air.
As hands that close in prayer still hold their doubts
we fold ourselves in time to rhythm's dance
heedless of loss, unknown, blend with the blur
for faith is never faith until it stirs
love less than love that relies only on chance
and truth not truth that falters and gives out.

 

[Angeline]

OK, you are under no obligation, but here is a sonnet that I would like some feedback on. My main concern here is the technique. Does it read smoothly? Do the lines have a sense of fluidity? Are the rhythms too entangled with the meter? Is it overwhelmed by meter? Are the rhymes predictable/ridiculous/distracting? Comments reflecting your general impressions are also welcome, of course.

Just a final note: I do not mind negative criticism or honest opinions. However, I will be more receptive to respectful comments. In that spirit, I appreciate the time and effort you put into your responses.

Thank you,
s

As quiet hands may fold in quiet prayer
I fold my body into yours, no less
an act of faith, devotion, worship, where
your hands find mine and, clasping, gently press
as palm to palm we dance inside the stillness
and Time's relentless drive is unaware
we've slipped away, and our beautiful mess
sings loud, a soundless chant in thinning air.
As hands that close in prayer still hold their doubts
we fold ourselves in time to rhythm's dance
heedless of loss, unknown, blend with the blur
for faith is never faith until it stirs
love less than love that relies only on chance
and truth not truth that falters and gives out.

Your sonnet is beautiful. It's faithful to the Elizabethan tradition. The syllabification is right except for two lines:

as palm to palm we dance inside the stillness one too many here; if you take out "the" it works fine

love less than love that relies only on chance here, also; "only" sounds awkward anyway; I'd change it to something like "just" or "but"

The rhyme scheme goes off a bit at the end. It should be:

E1
F1
E2
F2

G1
G2

but I don't think it matters, especially if you fix the syllabification in the line 13. I'd rethink that line though--I'm not sure I understand what

love less than love that relies only on chance

means. How is love less than love? It might mean a chance encounter that becomes something more, but that doesn't fit the rest of the poem to me.

I think the meter is ok, but I'm always horrible at counting stresses so I'll leave that to someone more proficient at it.

I hope you find this helpful. In my opinion erotic sonnets--and that's what this is--are not easy to write, but yours is excellent. I only pick on stuff I think is really good.

 

[Liar]

Beautiful. But if you want to work on something, read it aloud, and see if you can feel where it rubs the rhythm the wrong way. You have perfect iambic deliverance (where you have impact on every other syllable) most of the time. But here and there it breaks that pattern.

I hope you don't mind me nitpicking. It's a great poem, but it could be fantastic if it followed iambic pentameter (da-DA da-DA da-DA da-DA da-DA) 100%. So those suggestions are just from the point of view of a meter and form nazi, so take it or leave it.



As quiet hands may fold in quiet prayer
I fold my body into yours, no less
an act of faith, devotion, worship, where
your hands find mine and, clasping, gently press
as palm to palm we dance inside the stillness (an extra syllable)
and Time's relentless drive is unaware
we've slipped away, and our beautiful mess ("beau-TI-ful" becomes an odd pronounciation of the word)
sings loud, a soundless chant in thinning air.
As hands that close in prayer still hold their doubts
we fold ourselves in time to rhythm's dance
heedless of loss, unknown, blend with the blur ("heed-LESS" and "blend WITH" become unnatural intonations)
for faith is never faith until it stirs
love less than love that relies only on chance ("love LESS" and "RE-lies" sounds odd. also, the line is one syllable too long)
and truth not truth that falters and gives out.

 

[Liar]

as palm to palm we dance inside the stillness one too many here; if you take out "the" it works fine

I wouldn't take out "the" there. That would set the iambs off course. It would be nice to find another one-syllable word there instead. Like "calm" or "peace".

 

[sandj]

Angeline and Liar,

Thank you both for your thoughtful comments. You both picked up on a couple of things that have been bothering me about the poem. I'm not a stickler for iambic regularity, but those places where I break from it seem too jarring. I'm going to keep chiselling away, seeing how I can smooth down the rough edges, or at least make the rough edges feel more organic. As for the rhyme scheme, I was consciously trying not to follow the Elizabethan pattern. I wanted to create a variation, something new but totally familiar. So that's why the last 6 lines form a sort of hourglass (which seemed appropriate for the theme and tone of the poem as well).

Anyway, I'm grateful for your help. I'm sorry I haven't got more time at the moment to respond with more concentration and attention, but nonetheless, thank you.

 

[Angeline]

Angeline and Liar,

Thank you both for your thoughtful comments. You both picked up on a couple of things that have been bothering me about the poem. I'm not a stickler for iambic regularity, but those places where I break from it seem too jarring. I'm going to keep chiselling away, seeing how I can smooth down the rough edges, or at least make the rough edges feel more organic. As for the rhyme scheme, I was consciously trying not to follow the Elizabethan pattern. I wanted to create a variation, something new but totally familiar. So that's why the last 6 lines form a sort of hourglass (which seemed appropriate for the theme and tone of the poem as well).

Anyway, I'm grateful for your help. I'm sorry I haven't got more time at the moment to respond with more concentration and attention, but nonetheless, thank you.

You're very welcome. What I love most about sonnets is the way they've evolved. All the rules have been beautifully broken by some of my favorite poets.

And Liar that's why I wanted someone who can read stress and unstress better than me. Your suggestion is good.