If you could help revise or comment

[gxnn]

Hi, I am not a native speaker of English language, but recently a friend asked me to help him write a letter of recommendation for his study in a US college, so I worried my head very much and got the following which might look like a joke in your eyes. Would you help give some feedback(comment, critique or your reaction if you are the enrolment officer of that college), or preferably revise it if possible, thank you very much in advance.


The letter:
Dear Sir:

So-and-so struck me as an enthusiastic and intelligent architect with keen sense of innovation and strong ability of effective solution during his internship in 20XX under my guidance in the Africa-based residential project. He was expected to gain experience in façade design, joint structure design and preparation of drawing. Aiming higher than the specification given, he kept improving the façade design by paying attention to details. For example, he achieved the balance of sunlight and sunscreen taking into account the wall-window ratio and the overhanging eave’s distance; he managed to coordinate the relation of building and environment by adopting appropriate finishing material. With works assigned to him completed on time, he also came up with new ideas to upgrade the design. For example, he proposed to use the local clay for wall material and made comparison of various building materials in terms of cost, heat insulation and other properties to produce the desirable effect. His problem-solving ability was fully displayed in the project, where coordination of indoor environment and the hot and dry weather was one of the challenges. Based on the careful research he conducted, he then proposed to modify the existing vent on the wall that was the usual practice of local residents. His proposal was not only good for preserving the characteristics of local residence but also instrumental in integrating the building into the environment.

Being a hard-working team player, he did not cease his efforts in learning from work. No fellow project workers had made complaints about his performance in public or in private. I shared with him a great deal of technical viewpoints and professional experience when consulted frequently. As a result, he made great contributions to progress of the project.

I highly recommend him to be included in your institute for further study.

 

[pplwatching]

I am reading from my phone tonight, but wanted to say that the consideration you've put into this is obvious. It does need a little light editing, but conveys a high regard for this person. They are lucky to have you writing for them.

If no one else has already done so by PM, I will edit this for you when I am at a computer tomorrow. That is something I am very good at. We'll get your friend well taken care of.

Best

 

[pplwatching]

Here's a rough draft, although the edits are a bit more than I first suggested . I have a homework assignment of my own that needs my attention, but I will condense and refine it more later today or tomorrow. Feel free to post here or send a PM with your comments, or just run with it.

Best
-----------------------------------

Dear <The University> admissions officer,

I am the <My Job Title> of <My Company Name>. I am writing to you today to recommend <FirstName LastName> for admission to <The University>. I first met <First name> during his internship at <My Company Name> in <My City> during <20XX>. As <my relationship to him, e.g. his immediate supervisor>, I was responsible for <my responsibility in his daily work, e.g. mentoring, assigning tasks, approving work, and integrating his ideas into the Africa-based residential project>.

During his internship, <First name> was expected to gain experience in facade design, joint structure design, and preparation of architectural drawings. I was immediately impressed by his enthusiasm, knowledge of architecture, and willingness to explore innovative solutions to the challenging problems we encountered during <the Africa-based residential project>. <First name> exceeded our expectations, making a strong impression on everyone by aiming higher than the specifications he was given. <First name>’s work ethic, meticulous attention to detail, and intuition resulted in a beautiful and functional project result.

<First name> demonstrated that he is committed to becoming an outstanding architect. He regularly asked me about technical issues, my viewpoint, and my professional experience in order to understand and consider all aspects of the project. His innovative problem-solving ability was a valuable contribution to solving the challenges of coordinating the indoor environment and the hot, dry weather. For example, he proposed using local clay for wall construction and took the initiative to document trade-offs between building materials in terms of cost, heat insulation, and other project specifications. Based on his research, he then proposed to modify an existing wall vent (a customary building practice of area residents). Improvements suggested by <First name> achieved a balance between sunlight and shade by considering both the wall-to-window ratio and the overhanging eave’s dimensions. In addition to incorporating local design characteristics, his suggestions regarding appropriate finishing materials proved instrumental in harmonizing the relationship between the building and the environment.

I highly recommend that you accept <Firstname Lastname> to your student body. <First name> is a motivated student whose work ethic, willingness to look for innovative solutions to problems, and design intuition impressed everyone on our team. His ability to quickly learn new concepts and incorporate what he has learned into the job at hand made him a valuable addition to <My Company>. I am certain that he will also be a valuable addition to <The University> and an outstanding future architect under your instruction. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you have any questions.

Respectfully,
<My firstname lastname> <My professional credentials, e.g. degree and licenses held)
<My company>
<My contact information>

 

[Bramblethorn]

This looks pretty good. There are some minor English issues but nothing that obstructs understanding, and since pplwatching has already volunteered a light edit I won't go over those.

The example you give of choosing building materials is very good.

There was one part that might have room for improvement:

Being a hard-working team player, he did not cease his efforts in learning from work. No fellow project workers had made complaints about his performance in public or in private. I shared with him a great deal of technical viewpoints and professional experience when consulted frequently. As a result, he made great contributions to progress of the project.

"Nobody complained about him" feels a bit weak here. I would suggest deleting this sentence and replacing with something positive. Perhaps something like "He has always had good relations with his fellow project workers". If you can give more specific examples of how he works with colleagues, that would help.

 

[pplwatching]

"Nobody complained about him" feels a bit weak here. I would suggest deleting this sentence and replacing with something positive. Perhaps something like "He has always had good relations with his fellow project workers". If you can give more specific examples of how he works with colleagues, that would help.

I agree. Just because no one complained, doesn't mean no one had complaints. Saying that they all had positive things to say would be a stronger approach.

 

[gxnn]

Thank you very much, @pplwatching and @Bramblethorn.
I will try to make my writing better based on the good advices you gave.

 

[pplwatching]

You're welcome. I hope that you find it useful. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need a final review or anything else.

Best