If the mountains won't come to me…(Warning: Gratuitous Post

[yui]

Then I will come to the mountains. I am in North Carolina at a summer home and the reason it's a summer home is because it is damn cold in here in the winter. I might lose a finger or possibly the tip of my nose. At the very least, I am likely to spend a miserable night huddled fully dressed under 12 blankets and five beach towels that smell faintly like maple syrup. (Maple syrup? WTF?)

I thought I would come early for a weekend of skiing with college buddies. NC has lousy ski conditions, but hey, the lodgings were free. The rest of my party doesn't arrive until Friday, but I thought I would get cute, fly up early and spend a quiet few days contemplating my life.

First, I was the random body cavity search passenger at the airport this morning. A man I was not properly introduced to ran a wand up my inner thighs. Okay, so I didn't have to have a full body cavity search, but my laptop did. Fortunately, they didn't go into "My Pictures" or "My Documents" or I would have mostly likely been held for trafficking pornography across state lines.

I arrive at the Asheville Airport and things are all aflutter about a winter storm so I rent a whopping behemoth SUV that gets approx. 7 ½ miles to the gallon and takes up all of my lane and half of the other one, too. I can now transport a football team and gyrocopter, but, I'm not sure if I will be able to afford gas to return it to the airport. And the kicker is…it hasn't snowed yet! I could have rented a moped and been fine...extremely cold, but mostly fine. Huff!

Okay, I'm going to go burn the kitchen chairs for warmth now. That or take a hot shower. Wish me luck. And if someone wouldn't mind googling how to set a compound fracture of the femur in the field…it's been awhile since I've been skiing.

Warmly,

Chilly Yui

 

[shereads]

I miss cold weather. The grass always being greener on the other climate, etc.

The laptop body cavity search sounds scarier than the wand. You're right about that. Remind me to crumble my cookies the next time I fly.

 

[yui]

Okay, now the steps are icy. I just fell down three of them. Ow. The rain is solidifying. I think should have bought more than Sweet Sixteen chocolate donuts and a twelve pack beer. Damn. Double damn.

 

[Liar]

Yui, am I a meanie because your post made me larf?

EDIT: Your first post, not the one about falling down hard stairs. Ow.

What kind of a doofus searched your 'puter for whatever they search 'puters for (secret terrorist memos?) without opening the My Documents folder?

 

[tolyk]

NC is nothin, come up to canada for a couple days.. *mwa ha*

 

[neonlyte]

Okay, now the steps are icy. I just fell down three of them. Ow. The rain is solidifying. I think should have bought more than Sweet Sixteen chocolate donuts and a twelve pack beer. Damn. Double damn.

Be careful sweet one, my wife's broken both wrists in the last twelve months, it is NOT recommended.

I am now very experienced in nursing females with broken limbs. I can do washing, dressing, undressing of course, cooking, cutting the food into forkable pieces, painting toe-nails, and hair. Hair was fun, once I got the hang of it.

 

[yui]

I miss cold weather. The grass always being greener on the other climate, etc.

The laptop body cavity search sounds scarier than the wand. You're right about that. Remind me to crumble my cookies the next time I fly.

I should have deleted the a few artfully naked pictures. I thought about that after an angry woman with a mustache turned it on.

Yui, am I a meanie because your post made me larf?

EDIT: Your first post, not the one about falling down hard stairs. Ow.

What kind of a doofus searched your 'puter for whatever they search 'puters for (secret terrorist memos?) without opening the My Documents folder?

It's okay if you laugh. I'm laughing inside, too.

Thank you for the owie rose.

I think they were more or less just turning it on to make sure it worked and wasn't a bomb, maybe?

NC is nothin, come up to canada for a couple days.. *mwa ha*

Canada?!? Pshaw! I just look dumb...doesn't it get so cold up there that fire won't burn?

Be careful sweet one, my wife's broken both wrists in the last twelve months, it is NOT recommended.

I am now very experienced in nursing females with broken limbs. I can do washing, dressing, undressing of course, cooking, cutting the food into forkable pieces, painting toe-nails, and hair. Hair was fun, once I got the hang of it.

Neon, you might just be the perfect man, but your poor wife! Both wrists? Poor, poor lady. I hope she is healed completely now. I broke both my legs at the same time when I was a teenager, but I could still do most things for myself. I was just sunk in the event of a house fire.

 

[tolyk]

Naw... the right kinds of fire burn just fine

 

[yui]

Naw... the right kinds of fire burn just fine

Get a little liquor in you...

Canada sounds lovely in the summer, but I am quite sure at least one level of hell in out there in the Canadian Shield.

 

[rgraham666]

Get a little liquor in you...

Canada sounds lovely in the summer, but I am quite sure at least one level of hell in out there in the Canadian Shield.

Ha! You haven't seen our mosquitos yet. In Canada you're allowed to carry shoulder launched surface to air missiles for protection from them.

The skiing is great though.

 

[cantdog]

I have handled femur fractures in the field, but we used a piece of specialized equipment called a Hare splint. A person with a lot of scrap wood (or skis!) and patience and luck and I would say Ace bandages, or tape, or even just cloth in a pinch, could improvise a similar gadget.

One piece of strapping (the size wood that palettes are built of) is padded and socks into the groin fold of the wounded leg, and the other lies on the outside of the same leg. You must anchor both at the upper end. They must extend well beyond the leg.

Make a solid wrap of the ankle, and append to it, solidly, a loop of cloth or something passing from one side of the ankle, under the instep, to the other. ten or fifteen or even twenty centimeters beyond the bottom of the foot, make a bridge of cloth or other material from stick to stick. Then comes the crucial part, the Spanish windlass!

Tuck a hank of cloth under the loop beneath the sole of the foot and pass it over the cloth bridge out beyond. Tie the end off, and you have an O of cloth tying the bottom of the foot to the center of the bridge. If you put a stout rod, or a ski pole section, or something, through the O and begin twisting, the O it will gradually tighten and exert a pull straight out on the leg, right through the long axis. Adjustments should be done to make the pull as straight out as you can.

Using any kind of cloth at all, then, cradle the leg at every point you can, without actually bearing pressure on the injury. These cradles support the leg, sling-wise, between the two main (ski or palette wood) parts of the structure. Once the leg is securely supported, turn the windlass and it will pull more and more. The pull will relieve the pain and actually reduce the bleeding a bit, too.

In a real compound break, the bone ends are very sharp and are being pulled into the surrounding flesh by the largest and most powerful muscles in the body. The traction pulls those bone ends out of there and tends to line everything back up. The relief from pain is immediately apparent to the rescuer as well as the patient. Once the pain is relieved, STOP turning the twisty thing and tie the cross rod in place so it doesn't unwind.

Google "Hare traction splint" and you will see the actual confection of steel and nylon straps that you have been trying to counterfeit with stone knives and bearskins.

Luck to you

And joy in contemplation of the wonders of medicine

cantdog

 

[SeaCat]

I have handled femur fractures in the field, but we used a piece of specialized equipment called a Hare splint. A person with a lot of scrap wood (or skis!) and patience and luck and I would say Ace bandages, or tape, or even just cloth in a pinch, could improvise a similar gadget.

One piece of strapping (the size wood that palettes are built of) is padded and socks into the groin fold of the wounded leg, and the other lies on the outside of the same leg. You must anchor both at the upper end. They must extend well beyond the leg.

Make a solid wrap of the ankle, and append to it, solidly, a loop of cloth or something passing from one side of the ankle, under the instep, to the other. ten or fifteen or even twenty centimeters beyond the bottom of the foot, make a bridge of cloth or other material from stick to stick. Then comes the crucial part, the Spanish windlass!

Tuck a hank of cloth under the loop beneath the sole of the foot and pass it over the cloth bridge out beyond. Tie the end off, and you have an O of cloth tying the bottom of the foot to the center of the bridge. If you put a stout rod, or a ski pole section, or something, through the O and begin twisting, the O it will gradually tighten and exert a pull straight out on the leg, right through the long axis. Adjustments should be done to make the pull as straight out as you can.

Using any kind of cloth at all, then, cradle the leg at every point you can, without actually bearing pressure on the injury. These cradles support the leg, sling-wise, between the two main (ski or palette wood) parts of the structure. Once the leg is securely supported, turn the windlass and it will pull more and more. The pull will relieve the pain and actually reduce the bleeding a bit, too.

In a real compound break, the bone ends are very sharp and are being pulled into the surrounding flesh by the largest and most powerful muscles in the body. The traction pulls those bone ends out of there and tends to line everything back up. The relief from pain is immediately apparent to the rescuer as well as the patient. Once the pain is relieved, STOP turning the twisty thing and tie the cross rod in place so it doesn't unwind.

Google "Hare traction splint" and you will see the actual confection of steel and nylon straps that you have been trying to counterfeit with stone knives and bearskins.

Luck to you

And joy in contemplation of the wonders of medicine

cantdog

I couldn't have said this better. Taught it before have you? (I can do it, but describing it is a royal pain in the butt.)

Cat

 

[Lisa Denton]

Okay, now the steps are icy. I just fell down three of them. Ow. The rain is solidifying. I think should have bought more than Sweet Sixteen chocolate donuts and a twelve pack beer. Damn. Double damn.

Donuts and a twelve pack of beer with bad weather comin?

You could die if you run out of beer. I just strapped a keg of brandy around my puppies neck and told him "Go save Yui, she is all trapped in the snowy mountains and runnin low on beer, save her!!!" he took off but he mighta just been chasin a squirrell. If he shows up his name is Scooter, and he will only sit if you give him a Dog Bone cookie.



P.S. You should conserve body heat ......... masturbate constantly, but don't let my puppy see yui.

 

[SeaCat]

Yui,

Please be careful skiing and on the ice. As for being cold, there is a reason I moved south.

Cat

 

[cantdog]

Actually, I had a big "A" on my chest for a while there. I was... Ambulance Man!

I taught all kinds of stuff like that to all kinds of people. It's a handicap not being able to demonstrate or show pictures, but there's a knack to clear explanation.

 

[yui]

I have handled femur fractures in the field, but we used a piece of specialized equipment called a Hare splint. A person with a lot of scrap wood (or skis!) and patience and luck and I would say Ace bandages, or tape, or even just cloth in a pinch, could improvise a similar gadget.

One piece of strapping (the size wood that palettes are built of) is padded and socks into the groin fold of the wounded leg, and the other lies on the outside of the same leg. You must anchor both at the upper end. They must extend well beyond the leg.

Make a solid wrap of the ankle, and append to it, solidly, a loop of cloth or something passing from one side of the ankle, under the instep, to the other. ten or fifteen or even twenty centimeters beyond the bottom of the foot, make a bridge of cloth or other material from stick to stick. Then comes the crucial part, the Spanish windlass!

Tuck a hank of cloth under the loop beneath the sole of the foot and pass it over the cloth bridge out beyond. Tie the end off, and you have an O of cloth tying the bottom of the foot to the center of the bridge. If you put a stout rod, or a ski pole section, or something, through the O and begin twisting, the O it will gradually tighten and exert a pull straight out on the leg, right through the long axis. Adjustments should be done to make the pull as straight out as you can.

Using any kind of cloth at all, then, cradle the leg at every point you can, without actually bearing pressure on the injury. These cradles support the leg, sling-wise, between the two main (ski or palette wood) parts of the structure. Once the leg is securely supported, turn the windlass and it will pull more and more. The pull will relieve the pain and actually reduce the bleeding a bit, too.

In a real compound break, the bone ends are very sharp and are being pulled into the surrounding flesh by the largest and most powerful muscles in the body. The traction pulls those bone ends out of there and tends to line everything back up. The relief from pain is immediately apparent to the rescuer as well as the patient. Once the pain is relieved, STOP turning the twisty thing and tie the cross rod in place so it doesn't unwind.

Google "Hare traction splint" and you will see the actual confection of steel and nylon straps that you have been trying to counterfeit with stone knives and bearskins.

Luck to you

And joy in contemplation of the wonders of medicine

cantdog

Dear Cantdog,

Thank you for the information! You are a splendid person! I would print it off, but I don't have a printer with me…maybe, I should write it on the inside of my arm in permanent ink, hmm...

Me thinks I will just need to be extra cautious. And how near to Ski Beech are you, anyway? You sound like an excellent person to have around in a crisis! I broke my left femur years ago and I have no desire to repeat the experience. I might just be a ski bunny and hang out in the lodge, sip coco and make eyes at the ski patrol. Or not. I will have to ski; I like it too much.

Oh, and I think "Spanish Wind Lass" sounds like an excellent name for a story.

Thank you!

Yui

 

[cantdog]

I can say with confidence that I am a good person to have around in a crisis. I used to do that for a living and I paid attention.

I'm in Maine. When I go to Sugarloaf or Saddleback or one of those places I stay in the condo and cook. When the kids come in, I play with them and have them help cook, and read stories to them. When the grownups come in I read stories to them, too. If it turns out we forgot something critical, I go fetch because I'm not skiing.

I have a fire going in the hearth and I listen to stories and tell some, and my cooking is very good indeed. Then I go to bed and hope I get laid.

I tried skiing. It was a lot of fun. I had, already, too many expensive hobbies, so I stopped it. But once in a while a gang of us will rent a condo and go on a ski weekend, where I have my own role.

Stay warm. If you are really too cold, your judgement becomes impaired and you will be a danger to yourself. Stay warm. Stay dry. Think about your life and write us here, because we love you.

 

[yui]

Donuts and a twelve pack of beer with bad weather comin?

You could die if you run out of beer. I just strapped a keg of brandy around my puppies neck and told him "Go save Yui, she is all trapped in the snowy mountains and runnin low on beer, save her!!!" he took off but he mighta just been chasin a squirrell. If he shows up his name is Scooter, and he will only sit if you give him a Dog Bone cookie.



P.S. You should conserve body heat ......... masturbate constantly, but don't let my puppy see yui.

Lisa,

Please don't take this wrong but I think I love you. Scooter has indeed saved the day and how he managed to traipse from Texas to NC, in the sleet and snow and pouring rain is truly amazing. I have nominated him as a National Hero. The Swiss are now interested in him for their Alpine Rescue Program. And, he might have a future career as a mail dog if you will keep him away from firearms (apologies to any lurking postal service people…I am playing on a stereotype for humor and I am a bad person). I didn't have any Dog Bone cookies but I offered him some ramen noodles and he seemed satisfied. I have sent him back to you with naked pictures for you to use how you will. If he is picked up for trafficking porn across state lines, please tell the authorities the pictures aren't of me but I will be happy to post bail.

You are a god send. And you make be bi-curious, too, but that is another letter. I have taken your advice, and since sending Scooter on his way, I have been doing all sorts of wicked things…mostly to myself.

Many kisses,

Yui

Yui,

Please be careful skiing and on the ice. As for being cold, there is a reason I moved south.

Cat

Dear SeaCat,

I like your AV, but that is not what I should be saying. Thank you for your well wishes! I will be careful. I am old enough to know that I am mortal and I am tempted to wear a helmet while skiing. But for the pure goofball-ness, I will refrain, honest. The conditions will be icy or slushy because the conditions are icy or slushy in NC, but I will be very careful. You are a nice man and I like you. I like your AV, too, but I said that already, didn't I? It's Scooter's brandy talking. Please forgive my forwardness.

I like the south, too. I think we are almost neighbors.

Luck,

Yui

 

[Lisa Denton]

Lisa,

Please don't take this wrong but I think I love you. Scooter has indeed saved the day and how he managed to traipse from Texas to NC, in the sleet and snow and pouring rain is truly amazing. I have nominated him as a National Hero. The Swiss are now interested in him for their Alpine Rescue Program. And, he might have a future career as a mail dog if you will keep him away from firearms (apologies to any lurking postal service people…I am playing on a stereotype for humor and I am a bad person). I didn't have any Dog Bone cookies but I offered him some ramen noodles and he seemed satisfied. I have sent him back to you with naked pictures for you to use how you will. If he is picked up for trafficking porn across state lines, please tell the authorities the pictures aren't of me but I will be happy to post bail.

You are a god send. And you make be bi-curious, too, but that is another letter. I have taken your advice, and since sending Scooter on his way, I have been doing all sorts of wicked things…mostly to myself.

Many kisses,

Yui

Scooter made it back o.k., but I regret to inform you it looks like he drug a pair of your panties across several states.

He's a good dog.

 

[minsue]

Donuts and beer?!?

 

[SeaCat]

Dear SeaCat,

I like your AV, but that is not what I should be saying. Thank you for your well wishes! I will be careful. I am old enough to know that I am mortal and I am tempted to where a helmet while skiing. But for the pure goofball-ness, I will refrain, honest. The conditions will be icy or slushy because the conditions are icy or slushy in NC, but I will be very careful. You are a nice man and I like you. I like your AV, too, but I said that already, didn't I? It's Scooter's brandy talking. Please forgive my forwardness.

I like the south, too. I think we are almost neighbors.

Luck,

Yui

Yui,

Nothing wrong or foreward about liking my AV. (Thanks by the way.) Oh and be carefull of Brandy, it's almost as bad as that Demon Rum, and can give you a brutal hangover.

The first time I skiid I left behind three tracks. (My skis and my ass.) The seon time I skiid I again left behind three tracks, but not as much. The third time I skiid I left behind dents in several trees, and was picking pine needles out o my teeth for a while. Then I discovered cross country skiing. That was fun, and seemd to be a lot safer than downhill. When I moved to Germany one of my co-workers was into cross countryas was his wife and mythen girlfriend. We skiid all over, then he introduced me to Alpine, or what he called galcier skiing. That was an absolute blast, but absolutely, intensly insane. (Maybe that's why I loved it?)

Let us know how your ski trip/adventure turns out.

Cat

 

[TheEarl]

Thanks for this thread. Made I larf and I now have a new bit of knowledge vis-a-vis traction splints. Hope you enjoy your skiing Yui.

The Earl

 

[yui]

Ha! You haven't seen our mosquitoes yet. In Canada you're allowed to carry shoulder launched surface to air missiles for protection from them.

The skiing is great though.

Dear rg,

I suspect your career on the Canadian Tourism Board might be cut short with the missile reference. Surely the mosquitoes can't be worse than Florida. I think there are documented cases of exsanguination of cattle by mosquitoes in the Everglades...

But our water skiing is really great if you don't mind the alligators and water moccasins .

Actually, I had a big "A" on my chest for a while there. I was... Ambulance Man!

I hope they let you keep the cape.

I can say with confidence that I am a good person to have around in a crisis. I used to do that for a living and I paid attention.

Stay warm. If you are really too cold, your judgement becomes impaired and you will be a danger to yourself. Stay warm. Stay dry. Think about your life and write us here, because we love you.

I love to ski north of Virginia, I just don't usually make it that far. You make me want to rent a condo in Maine and get you to read to me in front of a roaring fire while something tasty is simmering on the stove. I say again, you sound like such a nifty person to be around. Thank you.

Scooter made it back o.k., but I regret to inform you it looks like he drug a pair of your panties across several states.

He's a good dog.

LOLOLOLOLOL You always make me laugh, Lisa. Thank you for that.

Donuts and beer?!?

In my defense, it was a gas station with limited foodstuffs. Okay, they had more than beer and donuts, but it seemed like a viable purchase option at the time…

Yui,

Nothing wrong or foreward about liking my AV. (Thanks by the way.) Oh and be carefull of Brandy, it's almost as bad as that Demon Rum, and can give you a brutal hangover.

The first time I skiid I left behind three tracks. (My skis and my ass.) The seon time I skiid I again left behind three tracks, but not as much. The third time I skiid I left behind dents in several trees, and was picking pine needles out o my teeth for a while. Then I discovered cross country skiing. That was fun, and seemd to be a lot safer than downhill. When I moved to Germany one of my co-workers was into cross countryas was his wife and mythen girlfriend. We skiid all over, then he introduced me to Alpine, or what he called galcier skiing. That was an absolute blast, but absolutely, intensly insane. (Maybe that's why I loved it?)

Let us know how your ski trip/adventure turns out.

Cat

Dear Cat,

I am glad that my tipsy behavior has not alienated you and thank you for the well wishes.

I didn't actually master the art of skiing until I was in college when I dated a guy who was Mr. Outdoors. He taught me how to do sooo much outdoorsy-type stuff. We did downhill and cross country skiing. He also used to downhill ski on cross country skies--for the life of my, I can't remember what the technique is called (something "marking", maybe?)—which is like next to impossible to do. It looked like he was doing some sort of strangely gracefully skipping motion on skies.

Prior to Ben (Mr. Outdoors), I spent most of my time on the bunny slope being pulled up the slope on my tummy, holding onto that little conveyer belt handle bar for dear life, while my pants were packed with snow.

I have never been glacier skiing, but it sounds dangerous! Did they drop you in via a helicopter? Extreme skiing style? I'm much, much too chicken to do that! Cluck.

Thanks for this thread. Made I larf and I now have a new bit of knowledge vis-a-vis traction splints. Hope you enjoy your skiing Yui.

The Earl

Dear Earl,

I am glad you laughed. I've had a wonderful time this weekend. I've seen herds of deer in the yard, a gaggle of wild turkeys and an old hound dog, who is slightly overweight and wearing way too much eyeliner, has taken up residence outside.

I thought I saw a bear, but it was just a brown cow. The utters and the cow-shaped head clued me. In my defense (I seem to say that often), the cow was in the woods beside the road and I was driving at the time. Luckily, I didn't announce "BEAR" in a loud clear voice.

Skiing conditions sucked (the norm), but the company was great and weather was beautiful and I will be sorry to leave. And other than that one little incident where they had to stop the ski lift and call in the aerial rescue team, everything went off without a hitch…

Luck to all,

Yui

 

[Liar]

Donuts and beer?!?

Gives you everything you need. Including scurvy.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Yui, your threads rock my world.