If Men Could Menstruate

[damppanties]

It would be ridiculously funny if they could.

If Men Could Menstruate
by Gloria Steinem

Excerpt:
So what would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?

Clearly, menstruation would become an enviable, worthy, masculine event:

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Young boys would talk about it as the envied beginning of manhood. Gifts, religious ceremonies, family dinners, and stag parties would mark the day.

To prevent monthly work loss among the powerful, Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea. Doctors would research little about heart attacks, from which men would be hormonally protected, but everything about cramps.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of such commercial brands as Paul Newman Tampons, Muhammad Ali's Rope-a-Dope Pads, John Wayne Maxi Pads, and Joe Namath Jock Shields- "For Those Light Bachelor Days."

Statistical surveys would show that men did better in sports and won more Olympic medals during their periods.

Generals, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("men-struation") as proof that only men could serve God and country in combat ("You have to give blood to take blood"), occupy high political office ("Can women be properly fierce without a monthly cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests, ministers, God Himself ("He gave this blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("Without a monthly purge of impurities, women are unclean").

Male liberals and radicals, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could join their ranks if only she were willing to recognize the primacy of menstrual rights ("Everything else is a single issue") or self-inflict a major wound every month ("You must give blood for the revolution").

Street guys would invent slang ("He's a three-pad man") and "give fives" on the corner with some exchenge like, "Man you lookin' good!"

"Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!"

 

[FatDino]

Brilliant!

 

[Belegon]

while I find some of this mildly amusing, I find the overall tone to be dated and angry. Especially when she is addressing possible government responses.

A guess: She wrote this more than thirty years ago, in the height of the more angry times of Woman's Lib, didn't she?

 

[alltherage]

The New York groaning cramps would win the world series.

 

[Stella_Omega]

while I find some of this mildly amusing, I find the overall tone to be dated and angry. Especially when she is addressing possible government responses.

A guess: She wrote this more than thirty years ago, in the height of the more angry times of Woman's Lib, didn't she?

The times haven't changed that much, baby.
It's still funny, for the same reasons.

 

[Belegon]

The times haven't changed that much, baby.
It's still funny, for the same reasons.

Oh come now... you're old enough to know better. Can you imagine a black man and a woman being the two major candidates for the Democratic nomination circa 1975?

The fact that the times still need to change more does not mean there has not already been significant change... it is important to recognize how far away the next rung on the ladder is. If you are trying to reach three feet above you for a grip that is actually a foot away, you will never grasp it and you will become frustrated at your misses.

The parts that I find funny all speak to more basic emotional states... for example, the bragging about how long and how much...

ETA: I reserve my right to find offensive something that casts me in a negative light simply because of the circusmstances of my birth. Nor does it help that I consider the author to be a person who focuses on the negatives in things while I try to focus on positives. So my opinion of Gloria affects my enjoyment of the piece.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Oh come now... you're old enough to know better. Can you imagine a black man and a woman being the two major candidates for the Democratic nomination circa 1975?

The fact that the times still need to change more does not mean there has not already been significant change... it is important to recognize how far away the next rung on the ladder is. If you are trying to reach three feet above you for a grip that is actually a foot away, you will never grasp it and you will become frustrated at your misses.

The parts that I find funny all speak to more basic emotional states... for example, the bragging about how long and how much...

Your first two paragraphs have little to do with the funniness of the piece. The last one hits the mark a bit better--Humor is emotional, dude, that's what it is! And if we must dissect the joke, all the "government responses" she describes are emotional, writ large.

ETA: I reserve my right to find offensive something that casts me in a negative light simply because of the circusmstances of my birth.

Welcome to my born-a-girl world, darling.
And guess what people are saying about Hillary's ability to govern?

Nor does it help that I consider the author to be a person who focuses on the negatives in things while I try to focus on positives. So my opinion of Gloria affects my enjoyment of the piece.

So a better response from you would have been; "I never thought Gloria was very funny" (And I agree with you there)

 

[Pure]

it still makes a good point, doesn't it. and certainly she's no eddie murphy.

todays Times has a cartoon with the six male SC justices, looking at Ginsburg making a point, and the guys say, "chicks!"

 

[Belegon]

So a better response from you would have been; "I never thought Gloria was very funny" (And I agree with you there)

You're right in a large way... but see, that doesn't tell WHY I find her unamusing.

Welcome to my born-a-girl world, darling.

two wrongs NEVER make a right. And I believe I express that consistently regardless of whether or not I am the one feeling wronged.

and while Hilary's gender is certainly an issue, you're not honestly saying it's as much of an issue as it would have been then???

or are you saying that it still is, but simply that the "good ol' boy network" is better at hiding it in these more reactive times of blogs and email campaigns? Mind you, some of that "ol' boy" network is, sadly, female... especially in the far right reaches...

 

[Stella_Omega]

You're right in a large way... but see, that doesn't tell WHY I find her unamusing.

two wrongs NEVER make a right. And I believe I express that consistently regardless of whether or not I am the one feeling wronged.

and while Hilary's gender is certainly an issue, you're not honestly saying it's as much of an issue as it would have been then???

or are you saying that it still is, but simply that the "good ol' boy network" is better at hiding it in these more reactive times of blogs and email campaigns? Mind you, some of that "ol' boy" network is, sadly, female... especially in the far right reaches...

I'm saying that Gloria's piece is still as funny to me now as when she first wrote it.

Actually it's funnier now, and that is partly because the times have indeed eased up a trifle -- leaving a bit more room for humor.

(edit)

wo wrongs NEVER make a right. And I believe I express that consistently regardless of whether or not I am the one feeling wronged.

Some women would quibble that they have endured HUNDREDS of "wrongs", and one little "wrong" on their side eases their feelings, if nothing else.Of course we know it's just their perception of things. And I'm sure they understand that you don't feel personally insulted by the joke that you are objecting to...

 

[jomar]

Whatever the politics, I think she's wrong. Men would whine and cry like babies and miss a lot of work.

 

[hmmnmm]

First of all, that slippery little word 'could' implies some notion of an option.
Makes it sound like "ah boy! looks like a great day to menstruate!"
If we're equating menstruation with erections, we may see a similar thread in that both may happen without foreknowledge or immediate intent. When I was a lad and those unexpected boners popped up, and the teacher chose that explicit moment to call on a blackboard exercise... it didn't matter whether or not I could sprout the boner - it just happened.
I may then say, "if I could sprout a boner, this is not the time I would choose to sprout it." But I cannot say that. It must be, "the boner has sprouted, it has appeared. I did not consciously opt for this expression at this time." Now, in another place and time, I could indeed summon the boner at will, say, a passing series of mental imagery featuring damp cotton panties.

So, if I could menstruate - or if menstruating was an inevitable experience as a man?
But then I wouldn't be a man, for where on earth would the tampon be applied?
So as a man I cannot menstruate. I can sprout boners, but I am not relegated to a monthly schedule of boner sproutings.

Sorry if I mussed the thread. I am procrastinating other things.

Please, carry on.

by the way damp, I've been meaning to compliment you on your AV.
Nice AV.

 

[TheEarl]

Some women would quibble that they have endured HUNDREDS of "wrongs", and one little "wrong" on their side eases their feelings, if nothing else.Of course we know it's just their perception of things. And I'm sure they understand that you don't feel personally insulted by the joke that you are objecting to...

I'm with Bel on this one. A generalised slur to a group of people because a selection of them regularly insults you with the claim of you being unequal does not help anything. It may make you feel a tiny bit better, but is more likely to raise animosity than do anything to help close the divide. Tit for tat never works and the only way to push social change is to act like the divide isn't there, rather than to throw boulders at the people on the other side.

The Earl

 

[Stella_Omega]

First of all, that slippery little word 'could' implies some notion of an option.
Makes it sound like "ah boy! looks like a great day to menstruate!"
If we're equating menstruation with erections, we may see a similar thread in that both may happen without foreknowledge or immediate intent. When I was a lad and those unexpected boners popped up, and the teacher chose that explicit moment to call on a blackboard exercise... it didn't matter whether or not I could sprout the boner - it just happened.
I may then say, "if I could sprout a boner, this is not the time I would choose to sprout it." But I cannot say that. It must be, "the boner has sprouted, it has appeared. I did not consciously opt for this expression at this time." Now, in another place and time, I could indeed summon the boner at will, say, a passing series of mental imagery featuring damp cotton panties.

So, if I could menstruate - or if menstruating was an inevitable experience as a man?
But then I wouldn't be a man, for where on earth would the tampon be applied?
So as a man I cannot menstruate. I can sprout boners, but I am not relegated to a monthly schedule of boner sproutings.

Sorry if I mussed the thread. I am procrastinating other things.

Please, carry on.

Hell of a procrastinator!
I've heard the boner schedule is approximately every eleven minutes, but I haven't checked for veracity.

 

[damppanties]

where on earth would the tampon be applied?

They'd just come out with cap-like sanitary 'napkins'.

Rest assured, no mussing happened. In fact, you made me chuckle. Thank you.

 

[hmmnmm]

They'd just come out with cap-like sanitary 'napkins'.

Ahh, special helmets.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm with Bel on this one. A generalised slur to a group of people because a selection of them regularly insults you with the claim of you being unequal does not help anything. It may make you feel a tiny bit better, but is more likely to raise animosity than do anything to help close the divide. Tit for tat never works and the only way to push social change is to act like the divide isn't there, rather than to throw boulders at the people on the other side.

The Earl

TheEarl, and also Bel;

I know how frustrating it is to hear words that slur the group to which you belong, and how futile it seems to protest that you, yourself, don't act like that.

Believe me-- I know!

Do try to remember though, that you are asking an aggrieved group to be super-humanly better at all times than anyone else. That's just a tad unrealistic, wouldn't you say?
I really don't think that expressing a less-than-tolerant opinion in this particular thread is going to affect the closing of the divide much, one way or another.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Ahh, special helmets.

If a man is pissing blood, he would need more than a "special helmet"

Which brings up the question; where would this flow come from?

 

[scheherazade_79]

If men could menstruate there wouldn't just be puddles of pee in the stairwells of multistorey carparks, but discarded tampons, too. It would be gross.

 

[damppanties]

Which brings up the question; where would this flow come from?

Um... from inside?

 

[FatDino]

If men could menstruate there wouldn't just be puddles of pee in the stairwells of multistorey carparks, but discarded tampons, too. It would be gross.

*full body shudders*

Dampy: cheeky, very cheeky

 

[TheEarl]

Do try to remember though, that you are asking an aggrieved group to be super-humanly better at all times than anyone else. That's just a tad unrealistic, wouldn't you say?
I really don't think that expressing a less-than-tolerant opinion in this particular thread is going to affect the closing of the divide much, one way or another.

I try never to ask anything of groups. They tend to be too nebulous. I find it far easier to ask individual people. I behave tolerantly and generally speaking, I expect other people to as well. The world rarely changes on grand gestures, but more often on lots of repeated small actions.

Nb that I have nothing against this kind of humour and I did find bits of it funny. It's the hectoring tone that lumps people into groups and then attributes characteristics to them that gets to me, purely and simply because it's the kind of thing that the aggrieved group are aggrieved about in the first place.

The Earl

 

[IrezumiKiss]

If a man is pissing blood, he would need more than a "special helmet"

Which brings up the question; where would this flow come from?

Well, we CAN piss blood...it's just not part of a natural healthy cycle if'n we DO...**shudder**

 

[hmmnmm]

If a man is pissing blood, he would need more than a "special helmet"

Which brings up the question; where would this flow come from?

Oh but this is menstrual blood.
Something within up would close so when we pissed so we'd not mingle the two.
Or the menstrual blood would... no that wouldn't work...

Back to the question:
For one thing women would be asking questions, "my boyfriend is on his period, can I still give him a blowjob?"

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Whatever the politics, I think she's wrong. Men would whine and cry like babies and miss a lot of work.

No fucking shit.

The world would come to a grinding hault.

"Omg! Barry Bonds is on the DL, he's flowing heavy!"