If at first you don't succeed...

[CeriseNoire]

Well, I took some of the advice I received on my first submission and applied it to my second story. If you have the time, I would love for you to read it and give me some feedback. Thanks.

Reunion

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Well, I took some of the advice I received on my first submission and applied it to my second story. If you have the time, I would love for you to read it and give me some feedback. Thanks.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=294447

I think this story shows great progress.

BTW, to make your advert more eye-catching, you can hide the URL behind a script like 'REUNION' Probably gets more people reading.

Right. First, you need an editor. The punctuation and grammar need tidying up. As a first go, Microsoft Word grammar check at least makes you stop and think, even if it is often wrong.

I found the mixing of back story with current events a bit confusing. The most glaring example of this was when he was taking 'you' to bed and suddenly jumping a red light. Had to go back and reread a couple of times to get the sense.

IMHO, backstory is difficult to write, especially when interspersed through a narrative. Maybe it is better to take 'Reunion' in 3 chunks - getting ready to go and meet him (loads of sultry, egotistical pampering), backstory on the way to the airport (daydreaming in car; doubts, fears and passion swirling together), then climaxing - pun intended- on releasing those fears with hot sex at the exotic hotel.

With first person narrative it is very difficult to avoid the Junior High 'What did I do this summer syndrome.' Think of using third person where you play God and get into the minds of both your characters.

If I haven't pissed you off already, give me a mail or PM if you want some more detail.

Really think you've got the nose for a story.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

CeriseNoire,

Sometimes the reviews you get on here are a little rough. But we are only rough on the ones we think will do well.

Elfin_odalisque is pretty much right. The second story is lots better. You still have a way to go, but we all do

First person has been the downfall of so many writers. It just isn't worth it. One girl on Lit wrote a lovely story, but in first person. It came off like Valley Girls. In short stories I always use third person. In novels I switch to first person occasionally for short sections. There are other ways of doing that too. You will learn.

Congrats. You are doing well, sweets

JJ

 

[CeriseNoire]

Thank you

Thank you both. Actually this isn't nearly as rough as expected. No trolls so far *crosses fingers* and the feedback I've gotten is helpful.
Actually, 3rd person POV is my preferred way of writing, so I think I will go back to that. I just wonder, if I decide to write a continuation of this story, do you think it would be too weird if I switched the POV?
In any case, I'm just glad to know that I'm progressing.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

No. Most of the seasoned writers on Lit will apprecieate that you are progressing and self-assured enough to make the switch.

JJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Jenny's right (as always).

A switch to third person wouldn't be a problem.

I wasn't meaning to be harsh, just saying that it is really hard to keep the tension and us idiot readers knowing where we are are if you change the timeline too abruptly. We have to be lead by the nose!

 

[rgraham666]

Ahem.

I've done quite well with first person, thank you very much.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Ahem.

I've done quite well with first person, thank you very much.

Yeah...but you ain't a noob, Rob.

 

[slyc_willie]

CeriseNoire,

Sometimes the reviews you get on here are a little rough. But we are only rough on the ones we think will do well.

Elfin_odalisque is pretty much right. The second story is lots better. You still have a way to go, but we all do

First person has been the downfall of so many writers. It just isn't worth it. One girl on Lit wrote a lovely story, but in first person. It came off like Valley Girls. In short stories I always use third person. In novels I switch to first person occasionally for short sections. There are other ways of doing that too. You will learn.

Congrats. You are doing well, sweets

JJ

I would have to respectfully disagree. While third person omniscient gives you greater freedom to allow the reader what is going on anywhere, anywhen, writing in 1st person, I feel, allows the reader to become more intimate with the main character.

The majorty of my stories are written in the first person, and I've done pretty damn well, I think.

 

[CeriseNoire]

I would have to respectfully disagree. While third person omniscient gives you greater freedom to allow the reader what is going on anywhere, anywhen, writing in 1st person, I feel, allows the reader to become more intimate with the main character.

The majorty of my stories are written in the first person, and I've done pretty damn well, I think.

I don't think she meant it couldn't be done, just that I didn't do it well in the story. In any case, I've decided to go with 3rd person limited. I just can't come to terms with showing what everyone is thinking. That's just my personal taste though.

 

[slyc_willie]

I don't think she meant it couldn't be done, just that I didn't do it well in the story. In any case, I've decided to go with 3rd person limited. I just can't come to terms with showing what everyone is thinking. That's just my personal taste though.

It takes a while to get used to writing internal dialogue. I don't think there is a writer out there who can claim to be perfect at it. As with all things worth doing, it takes effort and lots and lots of practice.

Keep writing, and I think one day we may see you winning a contest.

 

[CeriseNoire]

It takes a while to get used to writing internal dialogue. I don't think there is a writer out there who can claim to be perfect at it. As with all things worth doing, it takes effort and lots and lots of practice.

Keep writing, and I think one day we may see you winning a contest.

*blushing* Flattery's always nice.
In any case, if I had nothing left to work on, there would be no point in writing at all.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Sorry, Jenny thought I was being harsh but that wasn't my intention. I think you write very well.

It's just, coming from a theatrical background, I see a story as envelopping the watcher/reader in the action as a voyeur. I can move my head left and right as two characters slug out their differences or express eternal love. I'm right there on the bedroom stool.

Put me where the action is - don't tell me what went on some while ago.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Sorry, Jenny thought I was being harsh but that wasn't my intention. I think you write very well.

It's just, coming from a theatrical background, I see a story as envelopping the watcher/reader in the action as a voyeur. I can move my head left and right as two characters slug out their differences or express eternal love. I'm right there on the bedroom stool.

Put me where the action is - don't tell me what went on some while ago.

Actually, I really appreciate the feedback and I didn't find it harsh at all. And thank you for the compliment.

I'm working on the next part now, and I did switch to 3rd person, although I am focusing on the guy's perspective this time. In any case, I do enjoy all the suggestions; they help me have something to focus on as I write.