If anyone's not to busy...

[Aliyahlovinsex]

If anyone's not too busy...

could you tell me what you think about this story?

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=224301

I realize this maybe isn't the appropriate space to do this, so sorry in advance

 

[Honey123]

RVC'd ~

Here's what I wrote:

Interesting story, A.. I haven't read Ch. 1, but I am guessing this can stand on its own merit.

You have a great ability to draw pictures with your words and make the reader feel.

I will be reading Ch. 1 so I can become familiar with the main character.

Thank you for sharing...


~~~
Good luck!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'm afraid I'm going to disagree with Honey. For me the story lacks the kind of concrete detail that makes it come alive as a story. There's too much of the narrator telling us what happened, and not enough detail to help us paint vivid pictures.

For vampires, your characters seem very human in their emotions. They love, get jealous, are disappointed in one another, run away, send gifts, so that the story really lacks any of the supernatural feel or darkness that makes vampire stories such fun. I only read page one, but so far it reads an awful lot like a normal human love triangle, only with blood-drinkers. When they're in Mexico, I can almost picture them sitting around in sombreros sipping Margaritas and listening to Mariachi music.

I'd spice it up with a lot more concrete detail, more sense of place, and more passion. More atmosphere altogether. That would help a lot.

Hope this helps.

--Zoot