Ideas for a New Domme--Beyond Face-to-Face

[Sub_Space]

Hi everyone! I'm fairly new to the scene, and even newer to Literotica.

I've been interested in BDSM for a while, but was never really sure what to call it. I only started acting on it at the beginning of this year. Most of my experience lies as a Domme, although I identify as a switch, and has only been limited to one person.

My question lies here: up until now, all of my experience has been hands-on things. I know what to do in the context of being face-to-face with someone in a scene as far as the basic mechanics go (spanking, flogging, knifeplay, wax, all that fun stuff), but I'm lost in the way of other methods to be a good Domme.

Just for reference, I tend to go for male submissives. With that in mind, what would you suggest as ideas to "Domme from afar"? One of my friends suggested making a sub wear womens' panties (mine or someone else's) while I'm away as a sort of reminder of who's in charge. Any other ideas like this? For the time being, I'm concentrating on more kink-oriented ideas rather than "do my laundry" type requests, since this is a more distanced situation.

Any help would be appreciated; thank you so much.

(Edit: apologies for being unclear--I wrote this post at 4 in the morning after a heavy workload. Forgive me!)

 

[YourCaptor]

You can give him a specific time when he is allowed to masturbate. This way he will be thinking about you every time he gets sexual, association will build up, and it presents another layer of control.

 

[Netzach]

Honestly, there are all kinds of lists and tricks and stuff, but I really suggest a lot of ongoing dirty talkin' with your remote sweetie and letting it roll organically from there. You'll know when it's the right time to make him put hot sauce on his equipment - you're sure to think up some things no one's writing about. Just be inspired, have him send photo essays from time to time, and be yourself.

I can tell about things *I've* done, but I try and keep it person specific as much as I can.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Hi everyone! I'm fairly new to the scene, and even newer to Literotica.

I've been interested in BDSM for a while, and started acting on it at the beginning of this year. I have a fair amount of experience as a Domme....

I don't mean in any way for this comment to be considered cruel, sarcastic, or down-putting, but you describe yourself as "fairly new to the scene," then say you've "been interested ... for a while," and "started acting on it at the beginning of this year" - and that equals a "fair amount of experience?" Color me confused.

I've been doing this (BDSM as a Dom and Sadist) for over forty years, and didn't consider myself as having a "fair amount of experience" until I'd been spanking (flogging/caning/etc.) for more than ten years. You might want to re-think about describing yourself - even to yourself - as "fairly experienced" until you've been doing TTWD (This Thing We Do) a bit longer.

Advice-wise, I can only repeat Netz's mantra (from near the end of her post): "Be yourself." In the long run, being other than yourself can only harm you as PYL or pyl. Whether one "does this" from the top or the bottom, trying to be someone/something one isn't is doomed to fail. It must come from the person you are, not the person you want to be.

 

[JMohegan]

Just for reference, I tend to go for male submissives. With that in mind, what would you suggest as ideas to "Domme from afar"? One of my friends suggested making a sub wear womens' panties (mine or someone else's) while I'm away as a sort of reminder of who's in charge. Any other ideas like this?

Heading out of town, I'd leave instructions like: Pick up my dry cleaning, water the plants, feed & walk the dog every day, and make sure I'm stocked with fresh fruits & vegetables and milk for my cereal when I return.

 

[Netzach]

Heading out of town, I'd leave instructions like: Pick up my dry cleaning, water the plants, feed & walk the dog every day, and make sure I'm stocked with fresh fruits & vegetables and milk for my cereal when I return.

Call me insane, but that sounds like a vanilla marriage to me. I'm not an *easy* person, mind.

 

[JMohegan]

Call me insane, but that sounds like a vanilla marriage to me. I'm not an *easy* person, mind.

Many elements of my relationships have looked like traditional "vanilla" stuff.

All kink all the time has never been a goal of mine.

 

[buxxxom]

In the early phases, especially if it's a LDR, I like written assignments. Not long ones, mind you but those that shed light on personality and stuff. There's a thread around here devoted to those, I'll try to link it later.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=606003



I also like to get a recap, a few days later, of sessions we've had. It gives him time to get himself together and formulate opinions, rather than only the endorphin laced stuff he's capable of giving right after a scene. This way, you can revisit it, tweak it a little, etc. For example, the last scene involved needles and watersports. I find, two weeks later, that his focus when remembering is on the watersports, not the needles. I'll use that, many ways, to plan something else I want to explore.

FWIW, I'll reiterate what has already been said: be yourself. I can't get what I want unless I am with my boy who I am in my real life. Trying to be what you think he needs, or god forbid what he thinks he needs will only bring disappointment.

Good luck, and welcome to Lit!

 

[Netzach]

Many elements of my relationships have looked like traditional "vanilla" stuff.

All kink all the time has never been a goal of mine.

No, I hear you. This is the default for my relationships, I've just never really lumped it into "kink" - it's just expectation. That's my point.

 

[wouldloveto]

Sub Space...

Yes, you should just be yourself...

and practice, practice, practice...

PM me and I will be glad to let you practice with me.

 

[JMohegan]

No, I hear you. This is the default for my relationships, I've just never really lumped it into "kink" - it's just expectation. That's my point.

This is a helpful distinction to make.

Default/expectation mode = fetch my dry cleaning
Kink mode = wear women's panties


The OP is asking for suggestions as to reminders of "who's in charge" when she goes out of town. People often give kinky ideas for this sort of thing, which is obviously fine.

I'm just suggesting that she might want to consider reminders in the default/expectation category as well. I'd say these are often more useful than the kinky kind, especially when working to establish the foundation of the relationship.

A lot depends on what one wants from the relationship, though. If it's kink & only kink, then establishing and maintaining a structure for the mundane details of life clearly doesn't apply.

 

[Sub_Space]

I don't mean in any way for this comment to be considered cruel, sarcastic, or down-putting, but you describe yourself as "fairly new to the scene," then say you've "been interested ... for a while," and "started acting on it at the beginning of this year" - and that equals a "fair amount of experience?" Color me confused.

I've been doing this (BDSM as a Dom and Sadist) for over forty years, and didn't consider myself as having a "fair amount of experience" until I'd been spanking (flogging/caning/etc.) for more than ten years. You might want to re-think about describing yourself - even to yourself - as "fairly experienced" until you've been doing TTWD (This Thing We Do) a bit longer.

Honestly, it felt like all three. It felt like when people say things like, "No offense, but you sound like a dumbass." You might as well just say it.

That being said, I wrote this post at about 4 in the morning after finishing a rather heavy workload, so my words are kind of garbled. I edited my first post to be more clear and less confused. I admit to feeling confused while I wrote it.

I apologize for being unclear in my wording. I'm not used to talking to people with experience about this, so I suppose in my sphere of comparison, the people I do talk to about it are always more taken aback by "You do THAT?" rather than how long I've been doing it (and then it just becomes awkward). In that way, you're right--I'm still new, I'm still confused, etc, etc. I'm just asking for help; for ideas that work for you. I'm not saying that they'll work for me, I'm just asking.

I knew that people were going to tell me "Be Yourself." "Myself" is out of ideas; I'm just asking for suggestions is all. I have an idea of where I'd like to go, but I have no idea how to get there. I'm not going to inflict them on another person without a)their consent and b)knowing whether or not it would be a good idea with their personality in the first place.

Edit: And to specify to the poster above; yes, this is a mostly kink-based relationship.

 

[Netzach]

I'm not trying to be a pain. I'm just telling someone what I wish people had told me when I was a newish Domme (I'm young but I've been doing this almost 12 years now) - that YOU get a free pass to actually QUIT worrying about what effect your desires have on other people so much.

I know that's responsible Topness, but OK, I get it. Know what? Most women are so well taught to worry about everyone else we don't know how to say "that's sexy, I like it, I want it."

So, if you're out of ideas, honestly, masturbate or sleep on it or something and bring it back to this:

"what would I like?"

 

[SweetErika]

I'm not trying to be a pain. I'm just telling someone what I wish people had told me when I was a newish Domme - that YOU get a free pass to actually QUIT worrying about what effect your desires have on other people so much.

I know that's responsible Topness, but OK, I get it. Know what? Most women are so well taught to worry about everyone else we don't know how to say "that's sexy, I like it, I want it."

So, if you're out of ideas, honestly, masturbate or sleep on it or something and bring it back to this:

"what would I like?"

YES, YES, YES!!!

I wish I had started with this philosophy. I'm not sure if I didn't primarily out of ignorance or fear, but I sure wasted a lot of time and energy on thinking about what I should do and worrying, instead of nurturing who I was and what I wanted.

I've learned that even going to what feels like the selfish extreme doesn't make me an irresponsible. It just helps me find the right balance between considering others/safety and enjoying myself.

 

[Sub_Space]

, if you're out of ideas, honestly, masturbate or sleep on it or something

That's the best advice for most things, I think.

Honestly, most of my problem stems from the fact that I still have this weird guilt thing going on about my kink. I have this irrational fear that my preferences are going to scare people away, even when they're twice or even thrice as experienced as I am. As I said...irrational.

Someone elsewhere suggested, "Write some porn and see what comes out," so I think I'll try that as well.

 

[CutieMouse]

There's a really quick read out there called The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners - it might help you with the mindset. Being in charge doesn't really work for me, but I did explore a bit for a while and being a research-librarian at heart, I found reading various books on BDSM from a femdom perspective was kinda helpful as I did so.

(I actually make a rather kick ass domme, if I do say so myself; it just doesn't really flip my switch.)

 

[Netzach]

YES, YES, YES!!!

I wish I had started with this philosophy. I'm not sure if I didn't primarily out of ignorance or fear, but I sure wasted a lot of time and energy on thinking about what I should do and worrying, instead of nurturing who I was and what I wanted.

I've learned that even going to what feels like the selfish extreme doesn't make me an irresponsible. It just helps me find the right balance between considering others/safety and enjoying myself.

I think we've ALL been through this. Honestly, I want to start a school, but then people will be quoting me like Elise Sutton or something and ew.

Domination - means do it if it turns you on and it doesn't kill anyone. Feel entitled! Grrr!

If you have a Dominant need, and I mean a need, not a capability of fulfilling other people's fantasies, but you have been plagued, worried and torn apart at times because you want, so very badly, things that are WEIRD and NOT OK - you already know in your heart and gut the feeling you want.

Personally, I want the feeling of being desired, loved and adored so painfully much that dignity, pleasure, and even comfort are no small price if I want to take them away. That fucking rocks. How to get there? You probably know. Talk to your boy, obviously, and while people CAN be broken and hurt, a lot of them are into submission and masochism and sexiness thereof because they WANT not to be treated like they're made of glass. They want to feel tested, pushed, changed!

 

[Netzach]

That's the best advice for most things, I think.

Honestly, most of my problem stems from the fact that I still have this weird guilt thing going on about my kink. I have this irrational fear that my preferences are going to scare people away, even when they're twice or even thrice as experienced as I am. As I said...irrational.

Someone elsewhere suggested, "Write some porn and see what comes out," so I think I'll try that as well.

We don't spring out fully formed. I know confidence is really really hot in a Domme, and callousness and selfishness in small amounts or even large amounts - well those things aren't integral for most non-sociopathic adult females. They're scary aspects of ourselves that we may or may not choose to get in touch with in limited and constructed zones.

In other words, it DOES come from inspiration, knowing your sub, enjoying your sub, experience with a sub or sub males if you like to play the field. It's not overnight.

The guilt you are feeling is normal. It's the fine line that separates you from criminality, but it's also sometimes too thick and too onerous a barrier to being who you are which is someone entitled to her perverse pleasures.

 

[Sub_Space]

"Feel entitled! Grrr..."

This makes me smile, and I will keep it in my thoughts. I realize that I don't tell myself it enough. I'm beginning to realize that I have a "day time" and "night time" brain. The daytime brain is cautious, apologetic, and afraid to offend. My "night time brain" is the one that shouts "suck my dick" back at people when they should gross/lewd things at me on the street on a Friday night. It's also the part of my brain that hits at about 11 o clock at night when I am no longer afraid to think about what I actually like.

My "night time" brain is much more fun. I think I just need to channel it more.

Thank you so much for your support. Sometimes it's nice to just have people on the sidelines going "Go for it! It's ok if you want to beat his ass affectionately!"

 

[Sub_Space]

I'm reading a lot of good support, and really really good advice.

Why is it around here that when someone opens a thread because they've had crainial flatulence and want help brain storming all they get is awesome advice?

i'm sure you can figure out what you want. You're a "PYL" for goodness sakes (i hate that term btw). I'll do a tiny bit of brainstorming here, and if you see one you almost like, please feel free to twist it into some horrific malsemblance of the original idea and use that.

Naked house work
butt plugs
chastity devices
perfume (smells are the best reminders)

Have him take pictures of himself completing tasks for you, writing degrading things on himself, or visiting places he doesnt normally go.

plan surreal field trips for him ala "P.S. I love you" (that would be a bit much work for me)

play the uncomfortable question game; "so tell me the truth..."

tell him to sleep on the floor for a night.

watch a movie at the exact same time while on the phone together. (assuming you have unlimited minutes)

Order him to do something that is patently useless with you not present, like "make tea for me"

Distinct/ wierd reminders of you;

Order him eat a food that you like and he doesnt typically enjoy so much.

Have him buy food he does like, on orders that he may only eat it as a reward? (food rewards are bad for children or people with eating disorders though)

Make him buy something random, wierd or sinister (could be anything; a big turnip,a book, a riding crop) and put it on a display/ vase/ in the middle of the table where he will see it and remember what a wierd mistress he has.

Order him to eat with an extra empty place setting.

...As above but have him eat out of a bowl on the floor.

Order him to learn something new (eat with chopsticks, play a musical instrument)




Does this help at all?

These are all wonderfully helpful! Thank you so much. After staying up till now (6 AM my time) to work on another project, this was awesome to come home to.

I'm particularly enamored with the "make him buy a giant turnip" idea. It's silly and easy to personalize, but still has a bit of a D/s element to it, which I love.

Also, I like the idea of "ordering" someone to do something for their own personal enlightenment (eat new foods, go outside and sit in the sun with no explanation to others, etc.)

And I especially like anything involving making tea.

Thank you so much again for your helpful suggestions.

 

[midwestyankee]

Disclaimer: This is partially snark and partially real, its true value being dependent on the individual subject.

Have him fuck a Sarah Palin Blow-Up Doll on webcam.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Disclaimer: This is partially snark and partially real, its true value being dependent on the individual subject.

Have him fuck a Sarah Palin Blow-Up Doll on webcam.

Oooh, that is evil!

 

[midwestyankee]

Oooh, that is evil!

Thank you. Go for the mind and the genitals will follow.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Thank you. Go for the mind and the genitals will follow.

You´re welcome and yes, very true.