I'd love to get some constructive feedback on Dress Off 5

[staceyshackleton]

Hi all,

I'm a new'ish author, and I've written a few stories over the past year. I've just (belatedly) published my fifth story in my first series.

The fifth story can be found at: http://www.literotica.com/s/dress-off-05-arena-of-embarrassment

The basic back story is that an organisation called Decider Enterprises recruits women through embarrassed-naked-female scenarios (games called "Dress Off"). Decider Enterprises are gradually being revealed to also deal in espionage and other spy activities, generally for "the good guys". After one of their top agents (Tess Trueheart) was captured by an old foe (Elizabeth Harrington), a Decider Enterprises strike team of secret agent heroines goes in and pulls of a daring rescue in the third and fourth stories.

Now - with Tess Trueheart safely home - Decider Enterprises finds themselves invited to compete in a very unusual game, where the hosts have made them an offer they can't refuse...

I'd love to have any honest feedback on aspects such as pacing and story construction (or any other issues you can think of).

I've put this in exhibitionist/voyeur, although typically the series is more embarrassed-naked-female, with a few minor aspects of soft-core bondage (but that's not the main focus, hence why it isn't in that category). I think there's enough of a voyeuristic aspect here to justify the categorisation.

Thanks to everyone for reading, and thanks to those who take the time to vote and comment as well,

Have a good weekend,

EC.

 

[robertreams]

I didn't comment or vote on your story because I think it could be could, but with vast improvement. Get yourself an editor you have a spelling error in the first sentence. After that you have a severe case of the thats that is keeping you from saying all that you could say in a way that is not so full of unnecessary words such as that.

The door continued to stand implacably in front of her, the complete absence of a door handle making it abundantly clear that the door would open when it felt like doing so, and not one moment earlier. Tess experimentally tried rotating her shoulders while keeping her arms by her side, as she'd seen on TV, and then just sighed and resigned herself to the interminable wait.

The door stood implacable, its lack of a door handle stating clearly it would open at a time not of her choosing. She tried experimentally rotating her shoulders, as she had seen on TV, then resigned herself to an interminable wait. ( I used 41 words, you used 63.

"And then just sighed and", " in front of her" and "abundantly clear tha"t the door would open , etc.. I can almost hear your readers gasping for a mental breath by the end of the sentence.

It is not your fault, generations of grade school teachers who were not English teachers have assigned essays, etc, by the page or word, so we all have a compunction to use as many words as possible to complete the assignment.

There once was a poet from Japan
Whose poetry never would scan
When asked why that was
he said its because
I always try to get just as many words ino the last line as I possibly can

 

[staceyshackleton]

Hi,

Thanks for the constructive feedback, I'll take that onboard for my sixth story.

Cheers,

EC.