I'd like some feedback.

[Snglegeye]

I've written a gay male story called "Sir, yes, sir!" It is the first erotic story I've written and I'd be really happy for all advice, criticism, and well wishing. Thank you!

Click here to be taken to my story.

 

[Chicklet]

Hey! First off, congrats on your new story! I have read a few of the gay male stories but always written by women. So this is a first for me, too!

Rau's parents divorced when he was five and he'd spend most of his time with his mom in Los Angeles. But in the summer, he'd spend a few weeks with his father. Rau never really liked his father and grew tired of his constant belittling. One summer, Rau's father began the tradition of forcing Rau to dress like a girl and act like his father's girlfriend. From that first vacation on, the tradition continued and Rau soon grew quite accustomed to the taste of cum.

I don't like paragraphs like this. It seemed very straight forward, but, in a bad way, like there are important details left out. I want to know more of how this "tradition" came about - you could do it very, very easily, with a few select words and one more sentence or so, fleshing the paragraph out a lot.

At least through the first few paragraphs I've read, the sentences are very curt. Short, almost cut off...I'd like to see more developement there, a little more flow in the paragraphs.

When he had fucked his mom in the ass, he thought she always seemed to like it, but he didn't want it to happen to him.

This is the first mention of any incest between him and his mom - it sort of threw me off and freaked me out. I think if you left this out, the story would be more believable. You can achieve the same effect with "His girlfriends"

It was when he and his younger brother had sucked each other off in his mom's barn.

Again, why all the mention of incest? Some people will balk at your story for mentioning incest - if it's incest, put it in the incest category, okay?

Overall, it was near perfect, very sexy, and I liked it a lot = ) Congrats on a great 1st story.

Chicklet

 

[Snglegeye]

Yeah I was thinking of that while writing the story. My editor told me to add some back story and stuff like that. The paragraph had to be short because it can be misconstrued as underage and so I didn't want to add details that would not allow the story to be posted.

 

[Chicklet]

Definitely correct about the fuzzy details due to underage. I do that too, sometimes.

About backstory, though...I don't really think it was necessary for this story...It could almost have worked better imho if it had been his first time. Of course, then you'd have to write some more conflicting emotions...

-Chicklet

 

[Rainbow Skin]

What Chicklet said.

Plus, at first, I thought you were using 'Rau' far too much, never 'he'. It was Rau, Rau, Rau <s>your boat</s> through every paragraph. But after a while it became hypnotic and reminded me of Kafka. The situation is slightly mad, and Rau is himself slightly mad, persevering in his schemes, and innocently wondering what's going to happen next. So don't change that.

 

[Snglegeye]

OK! I won't change it.