I'd like some feedback on my first two stories

[seth_rose]

Hey all,

The name's Seth. I love writing and after writing a short story (action/thriller) a few weeks ago, I have decided to give Erotica a try. I was quite horny the other day haha and managed to whip up a nice little story:

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-consultant-5

I love the idea of women, especially married women being naughty, and seeing as there is an entire section devoted to it (Loving Wives) it seems a lot of others do to.

Anyway, the feedback on it so far has been great, at least for a first story. The story rating is a 3.98 and has lots of positive comments. The thing is though I personally think I could have done better. You should read it for yourself, but I know that there are several plot holes/flaws as well as a disney, happy, over the top ending which seems a bit lame.

So I decided to write a 'spin-off' story, using a similar concept:

http://www.literotica.com/s/taming-the-gold-digger-ch-01

I liked how this 2nd story turned out. I think it was more well written, had a better plot and was a lot steamier, yet somehow the ratings are a lot worse?? (About 2.5 or so).

Why is this? I mean, I personally thought the 2nd story was hotter which should in turn equal better ratings, but I guess not. That's why I'm making this thread. Or maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on the ratings?

Seeing as I'm a newbie now is the time to really learn the craft of this trade, so if you take the time to read both these stories I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks so much!

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

I really like The Consultant as a concept. I would enjoy reading more about a mysterious man who fixes relationships through a little domination and creativity. The big difference between the two stories is the relatability of the main characters. In the first one, Amy's problem is complex. She loves her husband and is doing everything that's worked before to attract him, but it's not doing her any good. You do some work in making the reader care about her repairing the relationship, which makes the Consultant's help interesting as well. In the second story, Jess is getting exactly what she signed up for: being the trophy wife of an old man she doesn't love. There's no relationship to fix because he's repulsive, but she's not much better. You ramped up the amount and kinds of sex in the second story but really lost something by having the Consultant fuck her instead of just watching.

Again, I think the concept is great, but your stories would both have been more effective with more of a window into the women's thoughts leading up to and during their consultations.

 

[seth_rose]

Thanks for the feedback, it's just what I was looking for.

I guess I thought the second one would be better, because it was a lot more sex, but less plot. I guess there's a lot more to erotica than sex...

I already wrote a part 2 of this story, but now will have to retract it. I like this concept too and would like to make a series out of it, but am not sure how to make several different ones without being repetitive. Any suggestions?

 

[Bramblethorn]

I think I see the problem.

In "The Consultant" you have a wife who's trying to turn her husband on. In "Gold Digger" you have a woman who's cheating on her husband. Some LW readers get really really angry at female infidelity and will bomb stories where it occurs, and that's probably what happened here. Don't take it as a judgement on your writing; you just happened to push somebody's hot button.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

I think the solution is to come up with some rules for The Consultant and then apply them to situations you think are hot yourself, like you did in your first story and started out with in your second, then dropped to get the protagonist into the back seat. It seems like these are the rules from the first story:

1) The only way you can find out about The Consultant is from a previous client.

2) You will never know The Consultant's name or what he looks like.

3) You will follow The Consultant's exact directions and go to a public place to await further instruction.

4) You will perform some public or semi-private sex act you wouldn't on your own at The Consultant's direction. (This is good for tension because most of his clients will assume he's going to be servicing them himself.)

5) The Consultant's only payment is to watch a d for you to refer others to him.

6) The Consultant creates or restores some kind of sexual confidence in his client and they improve their life.

I think you missed a great opportunity to deepen the mystery in the first story for Amy to try to call The Consultant again and either find the number not working or a prerecorded message saying The Consultant doesn't take repeat clients, but that's up to you.

I think that second story would still have had problems because of the gold digger quality of the main character, but would have been greatly improved by following the "rules."

1) Instead of being contacted directly, Jess would have gotten a message from another woman on CL about The Consultant.

2) When Jess got in the car, he would have been in darkness or wearing a mask so she couldn't identify him at all.

3) The car would have been parked where she could have been seen by anyone who noticed what was going on inside.

4) She would have stayed in the front seat continuing to use the various toys, exactly as instructed.

5) She would have offered to pay The Consultant, he would have declined.

6) She would have instead taken her money and bought a bunch of sex toys like the ones she tried to teach her husband how to please her or to keep herself satisfied if he refused.