I wrote out of feeling, edit me without feeling, please...

[average gina]

I just took this phrase 'since you left me' and went with it. I don't want even call it finished. Frankly, I don't want to take a second look at it right now. Some of the stanzas are probably more 'poetic' than others, so let me know how you would it. You can remove stanzas or rearrange them. I'm trying to learn, y'all so be honest.

As I said before, I don't want to even look, so forgive the caps in every line--my Word program automatically does it and I'm not in the mood to look for the option to change it.

Since you left me
The sun shines darker
Full moons glow dimmer

Since you left me
Food tastes dull
Colors look artificial

Since you left me
Strength fails me
Existing, less meaningful

Since you left me
I see your life
Feel your pain

Since you left me
I live in the dark
I dread waking

Since you left me
I’m so empty
Yet so painfully full

Since you left me
You haven’t returned
Neither have I

Thanks, y'all.

 

[lostandfounder]

I doubt you would learn anything from me, but this is how I would change things.


Since you left me

Darker shines the sun.
Dimmer glows the moon.
All color is faded and false.
I see your life
but can't see mine.
I feel nothing,
yet I hurt.

The light can be so cruel.
I don't want
the darkness to end,
to wake and see myself
alone.

You haven’t returned
since you left me

Neither have I

In my opinion repeating the same line over and over again works well in a song, but not as well in a poem. Unless the line drastically changes meaning, or I am trying to a hammer a point home, I tend to shy away from using it again. List poems are not a personal favorite of mine, so I changed the poem around and dropped a few lines to make it less list-like.... anyway... that's two cents worth of babble from me.

 

[average gina]

I doubt you would learn anything from me, but this is how I would change things.


Since you left me

Darker shines the sun.
Dimmer glows the moon.
All color is faded and false.
I see your life
but can't see mine.
I feel nothing,
yet I hurt.

The light can be so cruel.
I don't want
the darkness to end,
to wake and see myself
alone.

You haven’t returned
since you left me

Neither have I

In my opinion repeating the same line over and over again works well in a song, but not as well in a poem. Unless the line drastically changes meaning, or I am trying to a hammer a point home, I tend to shy away from using it again. List poems are not a personal favorite of mine, so I changed the poem around and dropped a few lines to make it less list-like.... anyway... that's two cents worth of babble from me.

Well, lost and founder, if the dang poem were on a piece of paper, I would have thrown it away. The way you rewrote it makes it--for lack of a better word--simply profound. What I wrote were things that came to my mind. What you wrote is a poem. Now the thing I've got to do is rewrite the poem so it is not like yours. Dare I even try to rewrite it, yours is just that beautiful.

I did learn a lot.

 

[WickedEve]

The repeating lines don't work because they are too close together. If you had longer stanzas, it would work better. If you want to repeat that line, you could do it every other stanza, perhaps.

Since you left me
The sun shines darker
Full moons glow dimmer
Food tastes dull
Colors look artificial

Since you left me
Strength fails me
Existing, less meaningful
I see your life
Feel your pain

Since you left me
I live in the dark
I dread waking
I’m so empty
Yet so painfully full

Since you left me
You haven’t returned
Neither have I

But this poem needs more work than what little I offered. For instance, "food tastes dull." Boring. Not enough detail. But we can fix that! What kind of food? Maybe the berries you once tasted from his mouth. Same thing for color! Which colors? It's going to be different for you, but I'm thinking about that late evening orange that whispers for me to curl up on it, so I can look down on the mountains. And if I was left, how would that soft orange change? Would it become harsh and less inviting? Would it spread wider and nearer, threatening to swallow me up? Maybe it would cease to be orange, because I could no longer recall color. Everything changes for awhile--when someone first leaves. We all know that feeling. We can read about the way it makes you feel. But you need to make the reader feel it!

 

[Remec]

I just took this phrase 'since you left me' and went with it. I don't want even call it finished. Frankly, I don't want to take a second look at it right now. Some of the stanzas are probably more 'poetic' than others, so let me know how you would it. You can remove stanzas or rearrange them. I'm trying to learn, y'all so be honest.
Thanks, y'all.

Alright...I like it mostly the way it is, but since you were going for some structure and parallelism, I reworked some bits to try and emphasize that aspect of things.



Since you left me;
the bright sun shines darker,
the full moon glows dimmer.

Since you left me;
foods taste dull,
colors look artificial.

Since you left me;
strength fails me,
existence means less.

Since you left me;
I see your life,
I feel your pain.

----------------------------------- (I'm tempted to end at this point. Somehow it seems to make for a nice finishing thought, to me.
If we continue, though....)


Since you left me;
I live in the dark,
I wake full of dread.

Since you left me;
I’m so achingly empty,
I'm so painfully full.

Since you left me;
You haven’t returned,
I haven't either.

----------------------------------- (The ending I'm unsure of. 'Neither have I.' strikes me as stronger, emotionwise if nothing else, but it does break the structure in my eyes...but that's not always a bad thing, esp at the finale of a piece.)

There you go...just some thoughts...now to see what other people think...<smile>

 

[champagne1982]

Since you left me
the sun shines darker
Full drop the adjective, 'full' adds nothing to the poem, just to the glow moons edit this multi-mooned world into the possessive, moon's glow dimmer

Since you left me
food tastes dull
colors look artificial fake this is a good example of a line to apply d'maas's short word rule to

Since you left me then strength fails me
Existing existence, less meaningful fraught

Since you left me Cut the 'since you left me's out for a little bit
I see your life
feel your pain
I live in the dark
I The little word 'I' must go, too dread waking

Since you left me
I’m so empty
yet cut 'yet' another word so painfully full

Since you left me
You haven’t returned
Neither have Iflip flop this verse
Neither you nor I
have returned
Since you left me
__________________________

Since you left me
the sun shines darker
moon's glow dimmer

Since you left me
food tastes dull
colors look fake

Since then
strength fails me
existence less fraught

I see your life
feel your pain
I live in the dark
dread waking

Since you left me
I’m so empty
so painfully full

Neither you nor I
have returned
Since you left me

 

[average gina]

Thanks!

I am not sure how if I said this, but thank you very much for letting me see different ways of expressing this poem. I'm still working on getting better. Your advice has been HUGE!

Thanks, googogs and bunches!

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Originally posted by lostandfounder
_______________________________

Since you left me

Darker shines the sun.
Dimmer glows the moon.
All color is faded and false.
I see your life
but can't see mine.
I feel nothing,
yet I hurt.

The light can be so cruel.
I don't want
the darkness to end,
to wake and see myself
alone.

You haven’t returned
since you left me

Neither have I

I liked everyone's suggestions here, but this was my favorite. The comment that was made about the repetition is true. More so seen in lyrics. Also, about your word program doing those caps.- it's okay because what I have read in books from many famous poets, it's mostly in caps. in the beginning of every line. (not saying all) You managed to express your pain very well and I don't think you did bad at all. All you have to do is cut out the repetition. Good luck with everything. Hugs, Christina