I wrote an erotic story...

[Chris_Xavier]

if you'd like to read it here it is. and then tell me what you think.

I've got two more that are "works in progress" and a third churning around in my brain. When they are finished, I'll let you know as well.


Thanks!

 

[reignophelia]

if you'd like to read it here it is. and then tell me what you think.

I've got two more that are "works in progress" and a third churning around in my brain. When they are finished, I'll let you know as well.


Thanks!

I appreciated the story. I just felt like there is more to be said. More details.

If you are writing in that tense, then I'd suggest going into detail as far as where you went is concerned. On the flip side, if leaving and then experiencing that thrill of being taken by surprise is what you were going for, then I might want to tell the story from the perspective of the sub.

If it were more along the lines of:

He was home and in the door today before I could reach Him. I was dissappointed with myself for not greeting Him quickly enough. I didn't even have time enough to kneel as He likes. I could tell by his tone that he was in " a mood". etc. etc.

.............

I awoke to Him forcing his way into me. I was dry, and alarmed, but quickly became lubricated in my aroused fear...

..............................
Yada yada yada.

I don't know exactly, but that would make for a pretty hot read.
More details definitely.

Overall I thought it has great potential for being really good.
But that's just my two cents.

 

[SubKekiLee]

Thats a good story CX.... Kudos

 

[Nameless_Rose]

Fun story. A very nice bit of flash erotica.

 

[myinnerslut]

i really like the premise, but i think it was a little short. dont change the plot points definitly, but if you could put more detail in getting from point A to point B i think it might enhance it. are you going to submit it to lit?

 

[Chris_Xavier]

i really like the premise, but i think it was a little short. dont change the plot points definitly, but if you could put more detail in getting from point A to point B i think it might enhance it. are you going to submit it to lit?

It was a "quickie" I know. I woke up the other day and had it bouncing around in my head.

 

[BiBunny]

This is just my opinion, and you can ignore it as you like.

It definitely needs to be longer. The premise is fine, but I think you should include more sensory information so the reader can identify with it more. What did this look like? What did that sound like? What did this smell like? What did that taste like? What did it feel like? You get the idea.

You can't just say, "It looked like ____" or "It tasted like ______." You have to work it in there, but with some more details, it'll be good. At the moment, it sort of reads like a running commentary: "I did this, then this, then that, and finally that other thing."

I'm not saying this to make you mad or to criticize you or anything, so please don't take it that way. Like I said, with a little tweaking, it'll be great.

 

[jadefirefly]

The biggest obstacle to writing well in first person is avoiding starting sentences with "I". This is what's leading to the feeling of it being a commentary.

It's totally understandable why you chose to write it in that tense, and when done well, it makes an excellent effect. It just takes some practice.

Try going through it, and seeing if you can re-write at least every other sentence that starts with "I" so that it begins differently. I'd make a bet that it'll read much more smoothly if you do.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You have received a lot of good advice. Also, there are a few mistakes in grammar/typos which need fixing. For me it was a little too staccato in reading and needed to flow more smoothly, but that comes with practice and growth.

Catalina