I would love some feedback

[YoSoyJu]

I would love some feedback on my first poems to this site. Just read, vote, and, if you feel the need, give me some feedback on this post.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=86767

and

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=86768

Thank you all so very much.

 

[Rybka]

Feedback for "Swaying"

Swaying

Trees swaying in the wind
So calm, so at peace, so pure
Autumn tries to corrupt them
Winter tries to beat them
But Spring and Summer just let them sway
I am those trees swaying in the wind
I am calm, I am at peace, I am pure
I will not be corrupted
I will not be beaten
Let me sway

This poem has a faint flavor somewhat reminiscent of MacLeish’s The Two Trees, so you must be doing something right.
Personally I would lose some of the “I”s and try something like this:

“Trees swaying in the wind
So calm, so at peace, so pure
Autumn tries to corrupt them
Winter to beat them
But Spring and Summer just let them sway

I am those trees swaying in the wind
I am calm, and at peace, I am pure
I will not be corrupted
Nor be beaten
Watch me sway”

Of course I would also use different spacing, but that is my own predilection and many seem to find it annoying.


FYI:
The Two Trees

Oh the maple!
Oaring up
Stream against the
July wind!

But the elm - the elm gives to it
Letting her leaves float out
All Ophelia in the moat of air,
Drowned in summer deep as sun,
Garlands drifting in her hair.

- A. MacLeish (1948)

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Angeline]

Welcome!

Hello and welcome to the poetry board! Nice to meet you. I read both of your poems. Here are a few comments.

First, let me say in general that I much enjoyed reading both poems. You have a good feel for language, IMHO, and have come up with poetic ideas and images that really work beautifully. I bet you'll hear this from others here as well.


In "Swaying." you have created a perfectly balanced poem--for every action an equal reaction. I think this lends a somewhat stilted quality. I would loosen this up by losing some of the repetition. I think, too, you have some redundancy in "calm" and "at peace." They almost mean the same thing, and having them directly follow "swaying" seems contradictory to me.

I would substitute "at ease" for "at peace," which gives you a slightly different feel, suggesting "naturalness," which I think works well here. Then, you have three clearly different images that all work with "swaying." I would also lead that line with "pure," so your reader doesn't get a sense of motion, then stopping. (I may be nitpicking, but I really like this poem, so I'm scouring it. )

You may want to lose some of the repetative "so's" and "I's," and I wonder whether--having said you are like the swaying trees--you need to repeat how. Maybe even think about changing from a simile (I'm like this) to a metaphor (I am this).

I would also break up the format to get the focus on the central point--that you, like the trees--are incorruptible.

Here's what my suggestions would give you. It's just one writer's opinion--take it or leave it. You'll get other takes on the poem, I'm sure.


Swaying


Trees sway in the wind
Pure, at ease, calm
Autumn tries to corrupt them
Winter tries to beat them
They cannot

Spring and Summer just let them sway

I am a tree swaying in the wind
I will not be corrupted nor beaten
Just let me sway

 

[Angeline]

Staircase

Here, poets, is YoSoyJu's other poem--preprinted for your critiquing convenience.

Staircase
by YoSoyJu ©

When I was a younger man
Merely just a boy
I would sit on those stairs
And play with my toys
I would sit on the stoop
Of the great staircase
Until time took its toll
Upon my young face

And when I grew up
I still sat alone
Upon the first stair
And rested my bones
My life was in front of me
My life was behind me
But there I sat
And waited quietly

And now I'm older
With a withered face
And here I rest
Upon the staircase
The grand-father clock
Was trying to tell me something
So I turned with out-stretched arms toward the top
And saw nothing

 

[YoSoyJu]

I appreciate all of your comments on Swaying, but Staircase is my favorite, my baby. Thats the one I really want votes for and feedback on. Thanks for all of your comments thus far.