I Was Played

[SweetErika]

This is what I am talking about. This is a big turn off. A Girl meets a nice guy and with posibilities. Over the course of an evening she pays some attention to the nice guy. At the end of the evening theres a some making out, maybe more.... The next thing she knows she is down a the sheriffs office filing a restraining order.

Try to have a casual reltationship until you are sure there is something there. Something that is mutual. Be the fun guy. Go out with groups of girls and guys and have fun.

I know that you didn't really want to hit her with a shovel. But the girl does not want all your drama because she did something with you one "Crazy Ass Night."

This is actually good advice. Women can smell neediness and desperation a mile away, and unless said women are really fucked up, both are major repellents.

As hard as it may be, don't fall into the trap of imagining what might/could be in terms of the relationship - just enjoy what actually is, and go from there. You'll be a hell of a lot happier for it.

 

[erotica_n_s]

Well dude, listen...

One episode of "flying into a rage" doesn't mean you are mentally unstable. STILL, remember, even people who are sane can still behave irrationally if they get carried away by their emotions... What's worse, if things go seriously wrong, you can't even plead insanity in your defense.

Also, if you find that your episodes of rage are starting to occur more frequently, or with very minimal provocation, THEN it may be that you have anger management issues...

In my HUMBLE opinion, it just sounds like you were thrown a bitter lesson you weren't quite prepared for. The "aftertaste" (no pun intended there, I assure you ) of such experiences can be really nasty, and can last for a fair while sometimes... But you've just got to learn and move on, dude...

I think it's all part of growing up... These episodes teach you a lot, not only about other people, but also about yourself...

Believe me, I really HATE to say this, but I think it's a fair bet that you've got at least a few more unpleasant surprises coming your way... We all go through it when we're young and growing up... (that's coming from me... heh heh) The best you can do is try and be "prepared"... Be REAL CAREFUL whom you trust...

And remember, try and learn not only from your own mistakes, but also from other people's mistakes... There are some people, who, you get to know them, they seem to be very interesting and "fun", but, before you even know it, they bring trouble, and they can drag you deep into shit that you really don't need, and things can get to a point where you just wish you never even met them in the first place; unfortunately, in some cases, it's too late by the time you're at that stage... The point is, like I just said, be REAL CAREFUL who you trust...

There was a particularly tragic case a few years ago (different from yours - you're a man who feels he has been "used" by a woman, but this case involved a woman who found out she was "used"), where a young woman actually KILLED another woman in a jealous rage. Unsurprisingly, she's now in prison. She had no previous criminal record, and was actually fairly well "educated". She was from a respectable family and social background. Before she committed the crime, she had some pretty bright career prospects ahead of her - but she threw it all away, and ruined herself. She ended another person's life, and effectively ruined her own life, all because her boyfriend emotionally abused her. Now although she's been found guilty of murder, and her boyfriend - who was initially treated as a suspect - has been legally found innocent, in a moral sense, it was his betrayal that drove her to do what she did. She ended up hurting not only herself, but also her family and friends - who had genuinely cared about her - all for a guy who had never really cared about her at all. She thought she was getting "revenge", but she only ended up ruining herself. Her boyfriend claims to be an innocent "victim" (and in a legal sense, that may actually be true). Now she must be wishing she never even met the guy in the first place.

Now of course, I'm sure there have been many such tragedies before, but the woman in the above case had certain professional, cultural and social similarities with me, which is why I find the case particularly sad. When I first heard about it, I didn't want to believe it, it was so tragic. To be honest, I do have doubts about the "official version" of the case, i.e. the version of events as reported in newspapers actually leaves a number of questions unanswered, but the whole episode should still serve as a cautionary tale to the rest of us...

 

[Mac98]

This is what I am talking about. This is a big turn off. A Girl meets a nice guy and with posibilities. Over the course of an evening she pays some attention to the nice guy. At the end of the evening theres a some making out, maybe more.... The next thing she knows she is down a the sheriffs office filing a restraining order.

Try to have a casual reltationship until you are sure there is something there. Something that is mutual. Be the fun guy. Go out with groups of girls and guys and have fun.

I know that you didn't really want to hit her with a shovel. But the girl does not want all your drama because she did something with you one "Crazy Ass Night."

See, that's what I'm saying, though. I didn't develop feelings for her the day after this "Crazy-Ass Night" (which I assure you, was weirder than you can imagine. The Gods were probably really high at the time). She absolutely led me on to believe there could be more. And all I wanted to do was talk to her to understand where it is I stand in all this exactly and how we can make it work (our friendship) despite my feelings. I wasn't going there to get laid or make out or anything. I just wanted to clear the air so that in the futur, things don't get weird and feelings don't get hurt. Lesson Learned on my part, though. Not everyone is mature enough to handle such a discussion.

Good suggestions from everyone. take 'em to heart and use 'em. next time when needed.

I would add a short one too. "Hi, howdy? Take care. See ya around" Hope it helps.

That helps much more than what anyone here has ever given me as advice... EVER!! haha thanks!

Well dude, listen...

One episode of "flying into a rage" doesn't mean you are mentally unstable. STILL, remember, even people who are sane can still behave irrationally if they get carried away by their emotions... What's worse, if things go seriously wrong, you can't even plead insanity in your defense.

Also, if you find that your episodes of rage are starting to occur more frequently, or with very minimal provocation, THEN it may be that you have anger management issues...

In my HUMBLE opinion, it just sounds like you were thrown a bitter lesson you weren't quite prepared for. The "aftertaste" (no pun intended there, I assure you ) of such experiences can be really nasty, and can last for a fair while sometimes... But you've just got to learn and move on, dude...

I think it's all part of growing up... These episodes teach you a lot, not only about other people, but also about yourself...

Believe me, I really HATE to say this, but I think it's a fair bet that you've got at least a few more unpleasant surprises coming your way... We all go through it when we're young and growing up... (that's coming from me... heh heh) The best you can do is try and be "prepared"... Be REAL CAREFUL whom you trust...

And remember, try and learn not only from your own mistakes, but also from other people's mistakes... There are some people, who, you get to know them, they seem to be very interesting and "fun", but, before you even know it, they bring trouble, and they can drag you deep into shit that you really don't need, and things can get to a point where you just wish you never even met them in the first place; unfortunately, in some cases, it's too late by the time you're at that stage... The point is, like I just said, be REAL CAREFUL who you trust...

There was a particularly tragic case a few years ago (different from yours - you're a man who feels he has been "used" by a woman, but this case involved a woman who found out she was "used"), where a young woman actually KILLED another woman in a jealous rage. Unsurprisingly, she's now in prison. She had no previous criminal record, and was actually fairly well "educated". She was from a respectable family and social background. Before she committed the crime, she had some pretty bright career prospects ahead of her - but she threw it all away, and ruined herself. She ended another person's life, and effectively ruined her own life, all because her boyfriend emotionally abused her. Now although she's been found guilty of murder, and her boyfriend - who was initially treated as a suspect - has been legally found innocent, in a moral sense, it was his betrayal that drove her to do what she did. She ended up hurting not only herself, but also her family and friends - who had genuinely cared about her - all for a guy who had never really cared about her at all. She thought she was getting "revenge", but she only ended up ruining herself. Her boyfriend claims to be an innocent "victim" (and in a legal sense, that may actually be true). Now she must be wishing she never even met the guy in the first place.

Now of course, I'm sure there have been many such tragedies before, but the woman in the above case had certain professional, cultural and social similarities with me, which is why I find the case particularly sad. When I first heard about it, I didn't want to believe it, it was so tragic. To be honest, I do have doubts about the "official version" of the case, i.e. the version of events as reported in newspapers actually leaves a number of questions unanswered, but the whole episode should still serve as a cautionary tale to the rest of us...

Oh golly-gee whiz! I don't have the heart to kill, that's for sure. Unless a member of my family is hurt, I don't think I could do it. Heck, I can't lay a finger on anyone who doesn't have a penis, so killing someone would be way out of the question, but I understand what you're saying. In many ways, I guess it's stupid to let this one event ruin my life. I know there are worst things out there than this. I know because I've been through worse. This was just a bad experience that happened at the worst possible time. I really can't stress that enough. Timing was terrible! I know I have more of these to come, this was just really the first time I was handed a magnificent opportunity and had it taken away last minute... so in a vast field of these bad experiences to come, this was the first cornstalk. Corny analogy, sorry.


SweetErika: Perhaps she smelled desperation, but I don't think it was by my actions. And if she did, it was a major misunderstanding. Like I said, I wasn't expecting a relationship between the two of us. I thought, like most people: If it's too good to be true, it probably is! But I at least wanted to talk about it with her so that we could get it out of the way and work on it right now before my feelings grew into something bigger. I would've accepted friendship over relationship any day. Something is better than nothing. Only I wasn't given that chance...

and LBC: Thanks! I am trying really hard to learn from this and the overwhelming number of replies and all the advice is really, truely and deeply appreciated. I'm doing the best I can, here.

 

[VelvetSin]

In my HUMBLE opinion, it just sounds like you were thrown a bitter lesson you weren't quite prepared for. The "aftertaste" (no pun intended there, I assure you ) of such experiences can be really nasty, and can last for a fair while sometimes... But you've just got to learn and move on, dude...

This. If everyone who said they wanted to do something violent after getting handed an unwanted life lesson was sent to therapy, the psychiatric profession would need millions more counselors. Who hasn't said something like that at some point? The big difference is, very few people act on that brief flash of rage and this guy didn't either. I think people are being a little too hard here, particularly in light of the fact he seems to be taking the legit advice to heart.

As for the tip to go out to bars or clubs to meet and hang out with girls even after it's been said he doesn't like that atmosphere, I completely disagree. Why is it that people give advice like this to others, then are the same people to whine and complain that "I got involved with this great girl/guy but once we got emotionally invested, they stopped wanting to go out and do the things they did when we first dated? Why, oh why does this happen to me? I always meet the wrong people!" It's because they listened to bad advice like this and did something not authentic to them just to make someone else happy, but eventually, if someone doesn't like doing something, they'll stop doing it. It doesn't take a relationship counselor to piece that one together.

If you don't like clubbing, don't go clubbing. If you don't like mountain climbing, don't climb a mountain just to please someone else. Be yourself, not what someone else wants you to be. While it may mean you won't get a hook-up with someone that does like doing these other things, in the long run, it filters out a lot of wasted time on relationships that weren't going to go anywhere anyway. Be you and don't worry about what anyone else thinks about it. Eventually someone will come along that likes what they see without the fake façade.

 

[Mac98]

This. If everyone who said they wanted to do something violent after getting handed an unwanted life lesson was sent to therapy, the psychiatric profession would need millions more counselors. Who hasn't said something like that at some point? The big difference is, very few people act on that brief flash of rage and this guy didn't either. I think people are being a little too hard here, particularly in light of the fact he seems to be taking the legit advice to heart.

As for the tip to go out to bars or clubs to meet and hang out with girls even after it's been said he doesn't like that atmosphere, I completely disagree. Why is it that people give advice like this to others, then are the same people to whine and complain that "I got involved with this great girl/guy but once we got emotionally invested, they stopped wanting to go out and do the things they did when we first dated? Why, oh why does this happen to me? I always meet the wrong people!" It's because they listened to bad advice like this and did something not authentic to them just to make someone else happy, but eventually, if someone doesn't like doing something, they'll stop doing it. It doesn't take a relationship counselor to piece that one together.

If you don't like clubbing, don't go clubbing. If you don't like mountain climbing, don't climb a mountain just to please someone else. Be yourself, not what someone else wants you to be. While it may mean you won't get a hook-up with someone that does like doing these other things, in the long run, it filters out a lot of wasted time on relationships that weren't going to go anywhere anyway. Be you and don't worry about what anyone else thinks about it. Eventually someone will come along that likes what they see without the fake façade.

Don't worry. I don't go out clubbing. Bars I can handle if I can hear myself and others talk and if there's a decent pool table. But clubs are my kryptonite.

In the end, I'll seek therapy the day I feel I've lost myself so much that I can no longer find any good way to better myself and learn and grow. I'm not at that point yet, so all's good.

Thanks again everyone, for the *overwhelming* number of replies. It's truely appreciated and it couldn't have come at a better time.

I don't wanna' jinx anything (because I have a knack at doing that), but Jade is supposed to come down tomorrow for a supper I'm doing for my mom (before she leaves the country for 3 months). I doubt she'll show up, cuz I somehow have the feeling that she doesn't want to come and is looking for a way out, but I hope she does show up. It'll give me the chance to get things off my chest once and for all (and no, I won't bash her face in with a shovel). I just want to tell her face to face that it was all a misunderstanding and that I meant her no harm and that she's forgiven. It's been said, but I want to talk face to face with her.

I'll judge then and there weather I feel I've been played or if it was an honest mistake... but I get the feeling there was no mistake in what happened. We'll see. Maybe. If not, then I'm letting go anyways, so... Lesson Learned. I'm moving on.

 

[Tyr51]

Mac, let her go.
There is no need to continue this thread.
You feel your trust was misplaced, ok!
Stand by it.

She is not interested in you. That is it.
It's a really hard lesson to learn. It doesn't get much better with age, really. But as we age we start to understand that all such things are not always one person's fault, or reflect as a judgement of self. It's really tough. All of this sucks. So, what you do is walk away. You don't vent your frustration to strangers on the internet. Yes, your heart will hurt. Walk away with your head up. Some of the things you are posting, frankly, are very much worthy of concern.

As for this girl coming down? Just walk away from it. It has nothing to do with people being "played." That is an incredibly passive sentiment. She is interested, or she is not. It is clear, from what you write, that she is not. You're 20. Don't waste effort trying to make those who are not interested... interested.

 

[Mac98]

Mac, let her go.
There is no need to continue this thread.
You feel your trust was misplaced, ok!
Stand by it.

She is not interested in you. That is it.
It's a really hard lesson to learn. It doesn't get much better with age, really. But as we age we start to understand that all such things are not always one person's fault, or reflect as a judgement of self. It's really tough. All of this sucks. So, what you do is walk away. You don't vent your frustration to strangers on the internet. Yes, your heart will hurt. Walk away with your head up. Some of the things you are posting, frankly, are very much worthy of concern.

As for this girl coming down? Just walk away from it. It has nothing to do with people being "played." That is an incredibly passive sentiment. She is interested, or she is not. It is clear, from what you write, that she is not. You're 20. Don't waste effort trying to make those who are not interested... interested.

Geez, it sounds like you think I've been crying and writing broken-hearted poems to her for the past 6 months... Her father's coming over for my mother's "party" and she may or may not tag along. Weather she does or not, I don't really much care, but if she does, I will talk to her. Not to see if things might work out in the end, I know they won't/can't and never will.

Was I hurt by what happened? Sure! Did I overreact? No doubt about it! But I'm past all that now. It still hurts, for sure, but I'm through it. I'm past the anger and all of those raw emotions.

And please! I'm not trying to get her interested. I was accepting of the fact she probably wasn't from Day 1. I just didn't appreciate the fact that I was led on to believe otherwise! That's all.

 

[bgsu52]

Mac I think I might have you beat on this one, listen to this shit.

So I finally get over my gf of two years and I am out enjoying myself again at this bar. I notice this server and we click right away, we hangout with eachother for the next few weeks before I go off to school. We talk everyday that I am away for the first two weeks and she tells me she loves me,I decide to come home that second weekend to be with her. We hangout for an hour before she has to work on saturday, and we plan to spend all of sunday and monday together before I go back. So I call her a few times on saturday and she doesnt respond, I called her on monday and still no responce. I finally get a hold of her that Tuesday and I ask whats going on. She says that her and her bf hungout and he took her to his church and cried for her back and got on his knees and prayed for her back. She didn't take him back because she couldnt handle a bf right now. So we still talked every day on the phone and stuff for about a week where she would say I was great and I always make her laugh and how she is so happy with me. About a week after all of this I get a text message that says sorry baby, but I'm engaged. We can't call eachother pet names like we used to and all this other shit. She continued to call me for like a week telling me how much she cares about me and if we end up going to the same grad school then maybe we will see eachother and fall in love all over again. I should also add that her "fiance" is abusive and hits her, and is muslim, so he has his views on what a women should be.


I WIN!!!


But seriously it sucks to get over someone that takes advantage of good qualities you may have and I completely see where your coming from with the rage because I myself am not an abusive person but I cant even tell other people the thoughts going through my head. Everyone says that there are other fish in the sea, which is true, but at that moment it really doesnt seem like it. Anyone else wanna get in on this depressing story topic? lol

 

[Mac98]

Mac I think I might have you beat on this one, listen to this shit.

So I finally get over my gf of two years and I am out enjoying myself again at this bar. I notice this server and we click right away, we hangout with eachother for the next few weeks before I go off to school. We talk everyday that I am away for the first two weeks and she tells me she loves me,I decide to come home that second weekend to be with her. We hangout for an hour before she has to work on saturday, and we plan to spend all of sunday and monday together before I go back. So I call her a few times on saturday and she doesnt respond, I called her on monday and still no responce. I finally get a hold of her that Tuesday and I ask whats going on. She says that her and her bf hungout and he took her to his church and cried for her back and got on his knees and prayed for her back. She didn't take him back because she couldnt handle a bf right now. So we still talked every day on the phone and stuff for about a week where she would say I was great and I always make her laugh and how she is so happy with me. About a week after all of this I get a text message that says sorry baby, but I'm engaged. We can't call eachother pet names like we used to and all this other shit. She continued to call me for like a week telling me how much she cares about me and if we end up going to the same grad school then maybe we will see eachother and fall in love all over again. I should also add that her "fiance" is abusive and hits her, and is muslim, so he has his views on what a women should be.


I WIN!!!


But seriously it sucks to get over someone that takes advantage of good qualities you may have and I completely see where your coming from with the rage because I myself am not an abusive person but I cant even tell other people the thoughts going through my head. Everyone says that there are other fish in the sea, which is true, but at that moment it really doesnt seem like it. Anyone else wanna get in on this depressing story topic? lol

That really sucks, dude! ...I don't know whether this'll comfort you or pain you more, but tell yourself that she's probably no happier than you are. And if she is, then give it time. In 2 years from now, we'll see who's on top; you or her.

It's seriously wrong to toy with people's emotions like that. In exception to power struggles, there's nothing more wrong in the human conditioning that the wreckless carelesness some people have for others. It's sickening.

I'm sorry to hear about what she did to you. Whether you have me beat or not, I think it's some concolation that we're not alone... wait... wait, that's actually no concollation at all. That means other people are going through this too...

 

[bgsu52]

Yeah I said the same thing. I mean she says I am great and all but she goes back with him. Its her loss in the end I guess. I got over her pretty quick. She wanted to keep on talking and be friends and I was like I just cant do that because every time you talk about him and stuff its just going to hurt. Luckily I didn't remember her number by heart, so I just deleted it from my phone. Outta sight outta mind I guess. And with what you said about playing someone is one of the worst things someone can do, I agree. People like that prey on people like me, you, and I am sure alot of people on this forum, and I really don't understand why they do it. Probably just low self esteem, so if they get a guy to fall for them then they feel better about themselves and the shitty situation that they are in.

 

[Mac98]

Yeah. I guess they can smell vulnerability and easy-targets. It's sad and it's pathetic, but it's nice that you can at least acknowledge that they do it out of self-hatred (most of the time) which makes it sting a little less... at least for me.