I want some feedback on my story (Corrected link!)

[fifi]

I want some feedback on my story Oliver & Company 2003, and the right adress is here!:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=81017

 

[NorthwestRain]

We all want...

Courtesy goes a long way...But anyway, since you asked for it.

I had a look at the story and immediately wondered if English was the writer's first language as there are some pretty major problems in the grammar department.
A good editor would be highly recommended, as would a good read through, preferably out loud.
As far as plot goes, I couldn't really find one, just some kind of weird drunken narrative about songs people were singing and weird business buyings???.

I really didn't get it at all. Sorry, but maybe it was all above my head.
Anyway, best of luck with your next attempt.

 

[StiNkWeeD]

<Please ignore>

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You say at the start that you have trouble with English, and it dhows. It's really not readable as presented. You really can't expect people to read a story where you don't know the difference between "is" and "are". As NW Rain suggested, at least get an editor who can correct these basic mistakes. It's only common courtesy.

I just don't see anything erotic in the story. What you've done basically is take the Movie "Moulin Rouge" (which I didn't see) and describe the characters doing sexy things. This isn't erotica to me.

---dr.M.