I thought this was funny as hell.

[m wisdom]

Having a bad day?

Found this while surfing, enjoy:

when you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window . . so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

Re: Having a bad day?

Found this while surfing, enjoy:

when you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window . . so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best.

this is so fucking funny

 

[graceanne]

OMG! I am laughing so hard I'm gasping! If I have an asthma attack, I know who to blame!

 

[lorddragonwolf]

Check your Dirty IQ

Questions...

1. When I go in, I might cause pain. I cause you to
spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me
off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads
from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What
am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff
your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You
use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from
me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy
lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?



Answers:

1. a dentist

2. a wedding ring

3. peanut butter

4.chewing gum

5. an elevator

6. a nose

7. a newspaper boy

8. a glove

9. a crane

10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really!!! Just what were you thinking

 

[lorddragonwolf]

http://www.galactanet.com/comic/122.htm

i thought this was funny too.

 

[m wisdom]

I like this one http://www.galactanet.com/comic/125.htm

 

[m wisdom]

And this one speaks to my inner geek
http://www.galactanet.com/comic/39.htm

 

[lorddragonwolf]

both good ones. i have to say this thanks for putting up the link to that site.

 

[RJMasters]

Re: Having a bad day?

Found this while surfing, enjoy:

when you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window . . so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best.

I laughed so hard when I read this...omg it is too funny. Thanks MW Hahahahahahaa...

 

[mystic_maiden32]

this is a great thread! lmao!

 

[snowy ciara]

MissT's redneck comment made me think of this. (In the isolated blurt thread)

What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?

Hey y'all, watch this!

 

[graceanne]

What's a rednecks idea of forplay?

"Get in the truck, bitch."

 

[graceanne]

Something said over in 'As life slowly seeps from his body' reminded me of this. I heard it on a Jeff Foxworthy tape. He was talking about a story a friend of his was telling him.

A man lived next door to these people who had a large white bunny named Fluffy. One day he looked out the window and saw his dog playing with something brown and icky. He went out to see what it was, and realized his dog had Fluffy, and Fluffy was dead. So instead of being a man, and telling his neighbors what had happened, he took Fluffy in, washed him, and blow dried his fur. Then he snuck over next door and put Fluffy in his cage.

A few days later he was outside, mowing his lawn, when his neighbors wife came out and said. "I suppose you heard?"

"What?" he replied.

"There has been a death in the family."

"No." he gasped, feeling guilty.

"Yes, Fluffy. And the weird thing is that after we buried her someone dug her up and put him back in her cage!"

*edited for typo

 

[shy slave]

What's a rednecks idea of forplay?

"Get in the truck, bitch."

LMAO

 

[shy slave]

ROFLMAO

Here's one I read. A woman submitted this one in a contest of the most embarrasing thing your child has ever said before in public.

A woman was in the bank and her daughter was being hyper. She pulled her daughter to her and said that if she didn't calm down she'd get a smack. Her daughter looked her in the eye and said in a calm and LOUD voice. "If you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna tell grandma I saw you kissing daddy's penis last night."

This reminded me of an incident several years ago when the whole family had gathered at my parents for a celebration.
I had been bitching about one of my sisters before going into the house.

My then 5yr old marched up to my sister looked all around her before saying

"Auntie wheres your other face, mummy says you have two"
Oh boy did I wsih the ground would just open up ...

 

[graceanne]

LOL You gotta be careful what you say around kids. When I got sick for the first time I slept all the time, unless I was puking. So of course my hubby had to take over raising the kids. When I finally started getting better I was too sick to get out of bed, but well enough that I'd have awake periods. I'd lay in bed and listen to kenny and the kids.

First thing I noticed? He'd taught our daughter, age 3, to yell "STINKY BUTT!" whenever someone farted. The next time he came into the room where I was I said "You do realize she's gonna do that somewhere in public, like church, don't you?" He laughed his ass off, but the next day I heard him telling her that they shouldn't say that, that it wasn't ladylike.

Then when my son was born we had him circumcized, and he didn't cry or anything. My husband was shocked. He said 'he got his dick cut off!" several times. I finally pointed out that angel (now 4 1/2) was standing there, all ears, and that if he wasn't careful she was going to yell that in public. He thought that was pretty funny, too.

 

[m wisdom]

George Speaks Out On Education Issues..

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered:

"If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush
searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying You and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

 

[A Desert Rose]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love
to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the
redneck from Arkansas , 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

 

[A Desert Rose]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads.
We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel in Florida.

 

[WriterDom]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads.
We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel in Florida.

oh so that is how it is done

 

[RJMasters]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love
to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the
redneck from Arkansas , 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Damn, that's halarious...laughed my ass off!

Say cheese

 

[RJMasters]

The dark side of the force is strong!

Yoda gets a blow job!

http://www.geocities.com/kmracerx/funnyfaceyoda.jpg

Cracks me up everytime I see. Just can't stop laughing.

 

[graceanne]

Jesus was getting a little behind on the home he was building in heaven so he told St. Peter to stall.

"How?" asked St. Peter.

"Only let people in who have interesting death stories." Jesus said.

So St. Peter said to the first guy in line. "How'd you die?"

"Well," explained the man, "I'd been suspecting that my wife had been cheating on me, so one day I went home early. When I got there, she was laying in bed naked, and it was obvious that she'd just has sex. I totally lost it, I started tearing apart the apartment looking for the guy she was screwing. Finally I found him outside, hanging from the balcony. Furious I started banging on his fingers, trying to make him fall. Finally he did, but the asshole landed on a bush! So I ran inside, picked up the refigerator and dropped it on him. After that I had a heart attack."

St Peter nodded, and admitted that was an interesting death story. Then he said to the next guy in line. "How'd you die?"

"Well," he began "I live on the fourth floor of an apartment. One day I could hear my downstairs neighbor totally spazzing, so I went to my balcony to try and see what was going on. I was so interested that I fell of the edge of my balcony. But luckily I managed to catch myself on his balcony. I was hanging there, thanking God, when this insane guy came out and started banging on my hands! Finally I fell down, but miraculously I fell on a bush. I got up to walk away, when the stupid asshole dropped a refigerator on me."

St. Peter shakes his head, and allows him in. He turns to the next guy and asks him how he died.

"Well." he said, "I was hiding in the refigerator. . . "

 

[A Desert Rose]

Really bad pick-up lines... (You have to be in the right mood for this.)

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your sh*t just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go f*ck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

18. F*ck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

 

[WriterDom]

Why is 6 scared?
















































Cause seven ate nine