I thought this was funny as hell.

[lorddragonwolf]

Why parents go gray

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his
employees about an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and
was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
home, the
Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the
whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what
sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss
asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The
search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little
frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching
for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle: "ME."

 

[crimsonlace]

Talk about a red bottom!!!

 

[lorddragonwolf]

Talk about a red bottom!!!

yea but i can see my kid doing this.

 

[Vixandra]

ROFLMTO
That's cute, m'Lord.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

ROFLMTO
That's cute, m'Lord.

thats what i thought to.

 

[ericnlisa]

funny as hell

That's a great one - how about this one?

Things You Learn When You Have Children

1. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke.....lots of it.

2. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a forty-year old man says that can only be done in the movies.

3. If you spray furniture polish on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. A four-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

5. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing a superman cape.

6. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

8. Baseballs make marks and/or dents on ceilings.

9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a looong way.

10. The glass in nearby windows, even double pane, does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

12. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats, it does not leak.....it explodes.

13. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house four inches deep... quickly.

14. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old. Duplo blocks will not.

15. PlayDough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

16. Superglue really is forever.

17. McGuyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.

18. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

19. Pool filters don't like Jello.

20. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

21. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Neither do embroidered bed sheets.

22. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. Lots... and lots.

23. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

24. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

25. Always look in the dryer before using it. A four-year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer.

26. The fire department in our city has a response time of at least five minutes.

27. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

28. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

29. Cats throw up two times their body weight when dizzy.

30. Quiet most certainly does not mean there is nothing wrong.

31. M and M's do melt in the defroster ducts of your car.

32. Dried corn on the cob complete with husks do not make popcorn when set on fire in the kitchen sink.


*grins*
an X-rated girl, being good in a PG rated office *sighs*

 

[lorddragonwolf]

Re: funny as hell

That's a great one - how about this one?

Things You Learn When You Have Children

1. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke.....lots of it.

2. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a forty-year old man says that can only be done in the movies.

3. If you spray furniture polish on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. A four-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

5. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing a superman cape.

6. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

8. Baseballs make marks and/or dents on ceilings.

9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a looong way.

10. The glass in nearby windows, even double pane, does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

12. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats, it does not leak.....it explodes.

13. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house four inches deep... quickly.

14. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old. Duplo blocks will not.

15. PlayDough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

16. Superglue really is forever.

17. McGuyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.

18. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

19. Pool filters don't like Jello.

20. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

21. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Neither do embroidered bed sheets.

22. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. Lots... and lots.

23. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

24. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

25. Always look in the dryer before using it. A four-year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer.

26. The fire department in our city has a response time of at least five minutes.

27. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

28. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

29. Cats throw up two times their body weight when dizzy.

30. Quiet most certainly does not mean there is nothing wrong.

31. M and M's do melt in the defroster ducts of your car.

32. Dried corn on the cob complete with husks do not make popcorn when set on fire in the kitchen sink.


*grins*
an X-rated girl, being good in a PG rated office *sighs*

yes this was fuuny

 

[Kajira Callista]

Re: Re: funny as hell

yes this was fuuny

and very very true

 

[lorddragonwolf]

Re: Re: Re: funny as hell

and very very true

yes it is.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

ROFLMAO!!!!! Thanks for that... made my day.... yeah, pretty crappy day...

 

[redelicious]

yea but i can see my kid doing this.

LOL, mine too.

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[navarre]

Re: funny as hell

That's a great one - how about this one?

Things You Learn When You Have Children

1. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke.....lots of it.

2. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a forty-year old man says that can only be done in the movies.

3. If you spray furniture polish on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. A four-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

5. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing a superman cape.

6. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

8. Baseballs make marks and/or dents on ceilings.

9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a looong way.

10. The glass in nearby windows, even double pane, does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

12. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats, it does not leak.....it explodes.

13. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house four inches deep... quickly.

14. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old. Duplo blocks will not.

15. PlayDough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

16. Superglue really is forever.

17. McGuyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.

18. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

19. Pool filters don't like Jello.

20. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

21. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Neither do embroidered bed sheets.

22. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. Lots... and lots.

23. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

24. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

25. Always look in the dryer before using it. A four-year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer.

26. The fire department in our city has a response time of at least five minutes.

27. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

28. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

29. Cats throw up two times their body weight when dizzy.

30. Quiet most certainly does not mean there is nothing wrong.

31. M and M's do melt in the defroster ducts of your car.

32. Dried corn on the cob complete with husks do not make popcorn when set on fire in the kitchen sink.


*grins*
an X-rated girl, being good in a PG rated office *sighs*

You forgot this one.

33. 90% of the men who read this will try number 1.

UH HUH

 

[lorddragonwolf]

> UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!!
>
> Always wear clean underwear in public, especially
when working under
> your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News
comes this story of
> a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,
only to have their
> car break down in the parking lot. The man told his
wife to carry on
> with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
>
> The wife returned later to see a small group of
people near the car.
> On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under
> the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his
lack of underpants
> turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
>
> Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully
stepped forward,
> quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked
everything back into place.
>
> On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself
> staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
>
> The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in
his forehead.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if
they aren't prepared for the answer:
> > > >In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness to the stand - a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
> > > >
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people
and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to realize you never will amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
> > > >
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones do
you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,
bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and
his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes,
I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
> > > >The judge asked both counselors to approach
the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said:
> > > >
"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

 

[graceanne]

ROFLMAO

Here's one I read. A woman submitted this one in a contest of the most embarrasing thing your child has ever said before in public.

A woman was in the bank and her daughter was being hyper. She pulled her daughter to her and said that if she didn't calm down she'd get a smack. Her daughter looked her in the eye and said in a calm and LOUD voice. "If you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna tell grandma I saw you kissing daddy's penis last night."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

ROFLMAO

Here's one I read. A woman submitted this one in a contest of the most embarrasing thing your child has ever said before in public.

A woman was in the bank and her daughter was being hyper. She pulled her daughter to her and said that if she didn't calm down she'd get a smack. Her daughter looked her in the eye and said in a calm and LOUD voice. "If you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna tell grandma I saw you kissing daddy's penis last night."

I hope she came in at least in the top three... or is she still in prison for strangling the little brat?

 

[graceanne]

I hope she came in at least in the top three... or is she still in prison for strangling the little brat?

LOL I think it won, but I don't recall. I know it came in the top three, cause only the top three were published in the magazine I was looking at.

 

[SweetDommes]

Re: Re: funny as hell

You forgot this one.

33. 90% of the men who read this will try number 1.

UH HUH

To hell with the guys ... I wanna try it ...

Miss Karen

 

[Evaleastaristev]

Re: Re: Re: funny as hell

To hell with the guys ... I wanna try it ...

Miss Karen

If only I could get the stuff to do it with, I'd so be into trying that.

 

[RJMasters]

Re: Re: funny as hell

You forgot this one.

33. 90% of the men who read this will try number 1.

UH HUH

For those who are adventurious in this endevor....please be advised that the smoke or fumes will be very toxic and can really fuck up your day. For those with sensitive lungs it could bring death.

 

[graceanne]

Ok, here's another one I read that I think you all will like:

A man took his son into the emergancy room for getting the piece to a small toy up his nose. The whole time they were in there, he kept saying "How in the world did you get that up your nose?" Finally they saw the doctor, it was removed, and the little boy and his father went out to the car. A few minutes later the man let himself back in and cornered the little boy's doctor.
"Is everything ok?" the doctor asked
Yes, the man said, but after he'd got to the car he wanted to see how the little boy could get that toy in his nose, so he tried, and now it was stuck in his nose. He was too embarrased to tell anyone, and was wondering if the doctor would quietly remove it.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Y'all are going to hate me for this...

Do you know what an 89-year-old woman's pussy tastes like?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
wait for it...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
keep waiting (and thinking)...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Depends.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Today is International Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman's Day.

Motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming...

"WOO HOO what a ride!"

 

[m wisdom]

Today is International Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman's Day.

Motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming...

"WOO HOO what a ride!"

How true.