I think my client may be self-harming.

[OnlineGoddess]

So, I'm an online Domme for pay. Please don't jump in and judge, the only reason I mention this is because it's relevant.

One of my clients was demonstrating his obedience on cam today and I noticed marks on his body that look a LOT like self-harming cuts. At the time I wasn't sure what to do so I didn't mention them and finished the session as normal.

I really like this client, although he's relatively new we've talked a bit and he's a sweet boy. I'm concerned about him, but I'm not sure what's appropriate in this context, or how to approach him about it.

Any thoughts?

 

[NightL]

So, I'm an online Domme for pay. Please don't jump in and judge, the only reason I mention this is because it's relevant.

One of my clients was demonstrating his obedience on cam today and I noticed marks on his body that look a LOT like self-harming cuts. At the time I wasn't sure what to do so I didn't mention them and finished the session as normal.

I really like this client, although he's relatively new we've talked a bit and he's a sweet boy. I'm concerned about him, but I'm not sure what's appropriate in this context, or how to approach him about it.

Any thoughts?

Are they fresh cuts? If they are raise your concern. Scars can remain very visible for years. It may well be something long past and/or now maintained.

While no doubt you are a good judge of character don't put yourself into a situation that you are not trained for. I have no idea how involved you become in a client's personal life but you risk all sorts of dependency issues well beyond your normal services that would do you both no favours.

If you feel the cuts are fresh and there are other indicators that this person is struggling I strongly suggest you go no further than "I have noticed the marks, I am concerned, I believe it wise you talk to a trained counsellor", during next communication you could ask "Have you made an appointment?"

If the person is struggling they need support from trained and qualified counsellors. DON'T take that roll on yourself.

 

[pplwatching]

I don't have any concrete answers for you, unless hearing what a stranger would do makes any difference. However, I think that it's both appropriate and being responsible to pay attention to your intuitiion. It may help you to ask yourself, If I'd just met him and there wasn't money involved ...

What are the reasons why I would say something?
What would I say?
What are the reasons why I would not say anything?
What would I do if nothing changes?

The answers are a baseline for what I'll call your personal ethics. There's no wrong answers. "I wouldn't say anything because it's none of my business, and it wouldn't change anything" is equally as valid as "I'd encourage him to get help even if it meant that he stopped talking to me." It is a point of reference.

Next, ask yourself if your financial relationship changes those answers. Your profession isn't any different than any other in terms of personal ethics and standards. Do you have to violate your ethics to continue the financial relationship?

If you do say something, there are three outcomes :

1) He will get help and still be your client. Do you intend to help or support him during the process? What if he brings up the subject later on? Broaching the subject opens that door. Is that kind of personal involvement with a client acceptable?

2) He won't take your advice, but will still be your client. Are you prepared to watch him continue this unhealthy behaviour to keep him as a client? What if he brings up the subject later on? Can you maintain a professional relationship with someone who is self destructive?

3) He won't be your client any more. Meybe you're right, and maybe you aren't. Maybe he'll take your advice and maybe he won't. Is this an acceptable outcome given the chance that he might seek help?

I would be concerned that what should be a strictly professional relationship is already showing signs of becoming personal. FWIW based on that and what I know about myself, I would no longer accept him as a client and tell him why. If I'm wrong, I've lost a good client for no reason. If I'm right then I couldn't look at the damage that he doing to himself and ignore it anyway. Ignoring it for the sake of money would violate my ethics.

I don't think that saying something is likely to make an difference, though. As a client I'd probably be pissed that someone I'm paying thinks my personal life is any of their business. Like any other self destructive behaviour, he needs to want to seek help before he will seek it. Maybe being turned away will be a wake up call, but I'd still need to end the relationship.

Best of luck

 

[amofiga]

Would he listen if you told him to seek help? Perhaps, since he is your sub, that you could even put it to him as an order. If he wants to please you, you won't allow him to do things to his body that you don't allow. If he wants to please you, he has to learn why he would want to do this and learn to resist.

On the other hand, if he's really wrapped in his role or has true emotional issues, it may well be out of your area of expertise to get into his head that way. IF, big if, he is into something like self mutilation, this goes behond dom-sub play. What is your real relationship with him? Is it fun and games or is he really bent emotionally into this thing?

 

[OnlineGoddess]

You guys have given me a lot to think about. I'm torn because I feel I really should say something. If he weren't my client and we were just acquaintances-becoming-friends, I absolutely would and would try to get him to go to counselling.

But from the non-play conversations we've had, I know that he's fairly isolated at this point in his life - some days I'm the only person he talks to all day. I a) don't want him to feel like I'm judging him; b) am worried he'll be offended that I thought it was my business; and c) am worried that if I say something in the wrong way, he not only won't get help, but will be uncomfortable around me after that. I honestly make enough from my other clients that losing him as a client wouldn't really affect me financially, but I like him and I'm concerned about his isolation.

So basically, yeah, I've determined I should say something, because I feel like I'd be a shitty person if I didn't, but I'm trying to figure out how to do it without him feeling judged or threatened. I have thought about using my perceived authority to try to get him into counselling, but I sort of feel like that crosses a line, and since he's American I'm not sure he even has access to those services.

I think I might do as you suggest, NightL. The cuts looked fresh, scabbed over but not scarred yet, as though they'd been done in the past few weeks. It was disturbing how extensive they were and I'm really hoping it was just marker or pen, but I suspect they aren't.

I'm also a little freaked out because I don't know how the pain play we do would interact with self-harming tendencies. I'm concerned that when I ask him about the pain he may say it's fine when it's really not. Because it's online, I have to go by his word a lot of the time.

Amofiga, I don't know how emotionally invested he is. He's had a session every day for about a week now, and because of his relative social isolation he may be more invested than others would be after the same amount of time.

 

[amofiga]

Goddess

You have a tough call. I've never dealt with a "pay for play" person in any way, but I've had a few sub-dom type relationships. I've never been a sub, but I know that people can develop a deep, almost devotional connection to a dom unless they have their head on straight and understand that it's more of a game than a reality. At least for me, I always felt that any kinky play with some of my lady friends was just that,..... play. Others here have disagreed with me.

The tough situation is that if he "trusts" you to let him be what he is and you interfere, he may shut you out and then you'll never know what's next. On the other hand, if he trusts you in a different way and he ends up really doing himself harm, then you'll feel like you could have stopped him. These "cuts" or scars or whatever may be less harmful than they look. Do they really look like "almost suicide" things or small razor cuts? Neither are emotionally healthy, but the latter may not indicate any real intent for self destruction. I've read stories that Jim Morrison and Angelina Jolie both experimented with sexual cutting. Of course Morrison ended up OD'ing but that's a different story. Angelina seems to be doing fine regardless of what she did or may still do in the privacy of her sex bed.

Good luck.

 

[OnlineGoddess]

Goddess

You have a tough call. I've never dealt with a "pay for play" person in any way, but I've had a few sub-dom type relationships. I've never been a sub, but I know that people can develop a deep, almost devotional connection to a dom unless they have their head on straight and understand that it's more of a game than a reality. At least for me, I always felt that any kinky play with some of my lady friends was just that,..... play. Others here have disagreed with me.

The tough situation is that if he "trusts" you to let him be what he is and you interfere, he may shut you out and then you'll never know what's next. On the other hand, if he trusts you in a different way and he ends up really doing himself harm, then you'll feel like you could have stopped him. These "cuts" or scars or whatever may be less harmful than they look. Do they really look like "almost suicide" things or small razor cuts? Neither are emotionally healthy, but the latter may not indicate any real intent for self destruction. I've read stories that Jim Morrison and Angelina Jolie both experimented with sexual cutting. Of course Morrison ended up OD'ing but that's a different story. Angelina seems to be doing fine regardless of what she did or may still do in the privacy of her sex bed.

Good luck.

I don't think he's suicidal - he talks often about his plans for the long-term future - though based on what I know of him he's definitely in a risk group to have been or become suicidal.

These were very methodical, almost decorative cuts on a relatively low-risk area that's easy to hide under clothes. No wrist cuts, none across major veins or arteries, just lots and lots of methodically-done lines. If they're cuts and not other marks (it was on cam and I didn't have the opportunity to closely examine), they're not an attempt at suicide, just a dangerous coping mechanism.

I just can't stop going over this from different angles. It freaked me out to see that and seriously worried me. I can't just do nothing, but I keep overanalysing to try to find the best "something" to do. Fortunately we don't have a session today, so I have a little more time to think about it, but the next time I talk to him I want to be prepared to say something.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I'm relatively certain that you did not come to this forum for help after thirty seconds of thought. This is something that is heavy on your heart and only you can truly define what you have noticed.

Follow your instincts.

Whether or not the two of you continue to maintain your professional relationship is less important than the issue that is causing you such burden.

 

[NotHisLady]

Do you have access to a professional that you could speak with?
There is cutting alone which is a profound disorder. There is also a group of people who use cutting to enhance orgasm (in their view.) Without knowing which type of behavior this is you really don't have a good avenue for approaching it.
If it's linked to some form of depression that's going to make very sensitive ground. If it's some extreme form of sex play then it may be far less intense a conversation.
My advice to you would be talk to someone who understands cutting or at the very least read what you can about it in both its forms before you move forward.
It looks to me as if you need better guidance than anyone but a professional counselor may be able to give.

Good luck.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Whether or not the two of you continue to maintain your professional relationship is less important than the issue that is causing you such burden.

It could also be that the professional relationship is an outlet that helps him deal with those stresses. So I'd be cautious about taking it in directions that might interfere with that.

Maybe something like this:

"Hi Bob, in yesterday's session I noticed marks on your arms. It's up to you whether you want to discuss that with me, but as a dom I feel some responsibility for your well-being, so I want to be sure that what we're doing in our sessions isn't harmful to you."

 

[glynndah]

It could also be that the professional relationship is an outlet that helps him deal with those stresses. So I'd be cautious about taking it in directions that might interfere with that.

Maybe something like this:

"Hi Bob, in yesterday's session I noticed marks on your arms. It's up to you whether you want to discuss that with me, but as a dom I feel some responsibility for your well-being, so I want to be sure that what we're doing in our sessions isn't harmful to you."

I have very little experience in the world of BDSM, but this seems right to me.