I think it's over

[Kajira Callista]

for me.

I think that I have either lost my ability to give myself to someone or just don't want to invest the time and potential pain in doing so.
I don't know if this is a normal reaction because of the things I am going through or if this is developing into a bigger, scarier problem.

I don't think I could live a happy life being closed forever but I dont think there is enough of who i am left that isn't damaged to take the risk of failure in a relationship again.
I am often very naive and don't really know if things I feel are normal and may blow over so I'm asking here... Is this normal stuff? Will this feeling that I will never be able to have another intimate relationship again go away? Could it be that I may never be able to *give* me to someone again?

 

[wicked woman]

for me.

I think that I have either lost my ability to give myself to someone or just don't want to invest the time and potential pain in doing so.

I don't know if this is a normal reaction because of the things I am going through or if this is developing into a bigger, scarier problem.

I don't think I could live a happy life being closed forever but I dont think there is enough of who i am left that isn't damaged to take the risk of failure in a relationship again.

I am often very naive and don't really know if things I feel are normal and may blow over so I'm asking here... Is this normal stuff? Will this feeling that I will never be able to have another intimate relationship again go away? Could it be that I may never be able to *give* me to someone again?

Can you ever 'give' yourself to another? Only you can decide, since you're the only one who can 'give' you.

I can say from personal experience though, that for me, when hurt to the quick, that it was my natural instinct to hide away from any possibility of a romantic relationship...as if in self preservation. Or so I rationalized to myself. But after 'hiding' for longer than I care to admit, I finally realized that I was scared. It just hurt too much and I wasn't prepared to let it happen again.

I finally gathered the strength to take another chance and when I did, I realized how much I'd given up because I was scared and hid my head in the sand. I vowed to never do that again. I'm big on cost-benefit analysis in life decisions, and while the benefit it taking tim to heal was valid, the extreme that I took it to was a cost that outweighed the benefit.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Take your time to heal...analyze how you got in this situation...get some professional help if you think it might help....but read again the first part of the sentence that I put in bold.

Good luck to you.

 

[nh23]

Has a close relationship just ended for you? If so then it's normal to feel that way, but it's not true. It's part of having your heart broken. If not they I don't really know enough about you, but I would say it's a passing feeling.

 

[intothewoods]

My dysfunction is to relationship hop, so I can't be much help here. I hope it's not over, KC. Maybe give yourself some time?

 

[Netzach]

I think any level of "really not feelin' it" about anything that matters to you is a normal part of life when it kicks you in the 'nads, and transitory.

It may not transition as fast as you'd like it. I think if you keep the issue in front of you, not just let it become habit to shut yourself off but to say "this is where I am right now" it is probably less likely to last forever. As bad as things are, all you know about, really, for sure, is right now. And later, right then.

 

[Etoile]

I think I've lost the submission. Maybe it's just because I'm not in a D/s relationship anymore and likely never will be again. It makes me sad because I found such joy in it, but it's just not part of my life. I'm still happy otherwise.

Wish I could help, KC.

 

[DormantEvil]

I'd say getting yourself strong enough to invest in a relationship is the most important part. You don't have to have someone right now, but building up to one day have someone is a good thing to aim for.

Don't worry if you are not ready just yet, as long as you continue to work towards getting in the right place you should be okay. And sometimes pushing yourself or jumping in the deep end before you are ready isn't the best idea.

Look after yourself first, and think about finding a partner second.

Even if it takes years, its worth it in the end. But being happy with yourself and your current living is number one. Everything else can come later, when you are ready for it.

Not having a partner isn't 'wrong', so take the time if you need to work on yourself, because in the end, both yourself and your future partner will be better for it.

Good luck, and I hope you can work things out so that you can be happy. Because that's all that really matters.

 

[makayla71]

Play it again Sam

A relationship is like a job.
Show up on time,
Put in over-time,
Kiss- ass,
Then the perks are great!

A broken-heart or wounded-heart
takes time to heal and everyone
is different.

Don't Fret!!!

It's better to have loved
Than to never have loved
At All!!!

 

[minx1]

for me.

I think that I have either lost my ability to give myself to someone or just don't want to invest the time and potential pain in doing so.
I don't know if this is a normal reaction because of the things I am going through or if this is developing into a bigger, scarier problem.

I don't think I could live a happy life being closed forever but I dont think there is enough of who i am left that isn't damaged to take the risk of failure in a relationship again.
I am often very naive and don't really know if things I feel are normal and may blow over so I'm asking here... Is this normal stuff? Will this feeling that I will never be able to have another intimate relationship again go away? Could it be that I may never be able to *give* me to someone again?

I think its completely normal. Part of me thinks that myself at this moment.

I don't think there is much left of me that isn't broken. I am shattered and disillusioned.

I am naive perhaps and I know that people think I look through rose tinted specs (lol they are truly cracked at the moment), but yanno, I do that for me. To keep positive and tell myself that not every man out there is a wanker.

In the midst of hurt my self protection mechanism kicks in and I tell myself, never again.....they always go wrong....it never works....you always end up hurt.

But the reality is I also know how loving I can be. I want to love and I want to be loved.


As for submission, who knows. I am honestly not sure that I could trust someone that completely again.

I think you should not worry too much about your feelings. Give them some time and see if they fade a little. Perhaps it will just take a little more time to open up to someone, to trust them enough to give them your love. But thats ok.

 

[Etoile]

A relationship is like a job.
Show up on time,
Put in over-time,
Kiss- ass,
Then the perks are great!

A broken-heart or wounded-heart
takes time to heal and everyone
is different.

Don't Fret!!!

It's better to have loved
Than to never have loved
At All!!!

Wow. I know it's your first post, so I hate to jump down your throat, but really? A relationship is like a job? You have to bust your ass and do something you hate when you're in a relationship? Even the bad parts of a relationship are better than a job, in my book. Unless you're an artist - and that's a very broad term - then work is something you do because you have to, because The Man is sucking your soul for every dollar you make. Relationships are something you do because you want to. Jobs are something you do BECAUSE you have relationships. Jobs are something you do to make money to enjoy relationships.

I believe we were put on this earth to love each other. My purpose here is to love. My job is something I do so I can pay the bills that keep a roof over my head and food on my table so I can continue loving like I was put here to do. I'm an atheist, anti-spiritual, and that's about as religious as I get. I was put here to love. The rest is secondary.

 

[FurryFury]

I think given all the changes in your life and stress it's completely normal. I think someday you'll feel yourself ready again.

*hug*

 

[YourCaptor]

I don't think I could live a happy life being closed forever but I dont think there is enough of who i am left that isn't damaged to take the risk of failure in a relationship again.

You need to define failure.

Is a relationship which you enjoyed a failure just because it does not last forever?

Learn from it, think back on it, figure out what you did not like, and then look for early warning signs of that in others.

You feel loss, you feel down, but you have not failed. This is a low point, you will get up there again. Just live your life, push yourself to get out and enjoy it, do what you like, don't compare the moment to expectations, and you will know more happiness.

 

[chelleb]

for me.

I think that I have either lost my ability to give myself to someone or just don't want to invest the time and potential pain in doing so.
I don't know if this is a normal reaction because of the things I am going through or if this is developing into a bigger, scarier problem.

I don't think I could live a happy life being closed forever but I dont think there is enough of who i am left that isn't damaged to take the risk of failure in a relationship again.
I am often very naive and don't really know if things I feel are normal and may blow over so I'm asking here... Is this normal stuff? Will this feeling that I will never be able to have another intimate relationship again go away? Could it be that I may never be able to *give* me to someone again?

Like most of us, I've felt this way before too. After my first 'relationship' (or so I thought it was), it took me way longer than it should have (6 yrs, anyone?) to feel ready for a relationship again, and to feel that I could let my heart fall for someone. It took another 2 until I found someone I thought I could love, and did fall in love with them, only to have it end. That was a year ago. Still not sure I'm ready, but have been thinking more and more that I would like someone in my life. I know it may sound trivial that there have only really been 2, but when I fall, I fall hard, and it's not easy for me to get over someone.

Anyway, thought I'd throw in my $.02

 

[RJMasters]

Could it be that I may never be able to *give* me to someone again?

I think the desire to serve or please others is a stronger force within you than the current fear of failure you may be expereicing due to past or present circumstances (whatever they may be).

From this I am optimistic that eventually these current feelings will pass or lessen.

The answer to the question of should we get back up is always yes. However, in getting back up, it doesn't mean we have to charge back in. Its ok to give ourselves time to heal and to recharge our own spirits. Time to allow for "change to come"....in ourselves, and in our circumstances. With change comes new persepctive and allows us to see things differently. Change also is good for producing different outcomes. Perhaps you saying...."I think its over for me" is a pivotal moment in your life where you have come to a clear realization that change is needed. What that change is I cannot say, but its doesn't neccessarily have to be a bad thing.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein

 

[WriterDom]

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.

And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

 

[Cattypuss]

After losing someone I loved with all my heart, I wasn't able to open up enough to love someone again for nine years. I had relationships during that time but I didn't open up fully in them.

Nine years and then I was ready - or the right man came along - or both.

The moral of the story is - never say never.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I think any level of "really not feelin' it" about anything that matters to you is a normal part of life when it kicks you in the 'nads, and transitory.

It may not transition as fast as you'd like it. I think if you keep the issue in front of you, not just let it become habit to shut yourself off but to say "this is where I am right now" it is probably less likely to last forever. As bad as things are, all you know about, really, for sure, is right now. And later, right then.

Spot on, Netz... Listen to the wise lady, KC.

I'd say getting yourself strong enough to invest in a relationship is the most important part. You don't have to have someone right now, but building up to one day have someone is a good thing to aim for.

Don't worry if you are not ready just yet, as long as you continue to work towards getting in the right place you should be okay. And sometimes pushing yourself or jumping in the deep end before you are ready isn't the best idea.

Look after yourself first, and think about finding a partner second.

<snip>
Good luck, and I hope you can work things out so that you can be happy. Because that's all that really matters.

Two excellent points. KC, you've spent the last year and a half learning a new career, getting started in it, and getting out from under that bastard's thumb. You are getting stronger day by day, even on the days when you feel like you can't wake up to another one, because you do, and you carry on for that day, and the next and the next. Do what you must to stabilize your life - and the kids' lives - and continue to strengthen yourself, without giving up or giving in. As much as you can, be patient with yourself and with life. (I know, patience is hard, but you can do it.)

I think its completely normal. Part of me thinks that myself at this moment.

<snip>
But the reality is I also know how loving I can be. I want to love and I want to be loved.

I think, IMNSHO, that both of you will love, and will be loved.

I think given all the changes in your life and stress it's completely normal. I think someday you'll feel yourself ready again.

*hug*

See above

You need to define failure. And decide WHOSE failure it is! In your case, knowing what I know, the failure was and is not yours; it was and is his. For more than a dozen years, you would have forgiven all his failings, and given yourself back to him if he had simply been smart enough - and adult enough - to give you the opportunity. That's not YOUR fault; it's his.

Is a relationship which you enjoyed a failure just because it does not last forever?

Learn from it, think back on it, figure out what you did not like, and then look for early warning signs of that in others.

You feel loss, you feel down, but you have not failed. This is a low point, you will get up there again. Just live your life, push yourself to get out and enjoy it, do what you like, don't compare the moment to expectations, and you will know more happiness.

What he said in the first sentence of the last paragraph.

I think the desire to serve or please others is a stronger force within you than the current fear of failure you may be expereicing due to past or present circumstances (whatever they may be).

From this I am optimistic that eventually these current feelings will pass or lessen.

The answer to the question of should we get back up is always yes. However, in getting back up, it doesn't mean we have to charge back in. Its ok to give ourselves time to heal and to recharge our own spirits. Time to allow for "change to come"....in ourselves, and in our circumstances. With change comes new persepctive and allows us to see things differently. Change also is good for producing different outcomes. Perhaps you saying...."I think its over for me" is a pivotal moment in your life where you have come to a clear realization that change is needed. What that change is I cannot say, but its doesn't neccessarily have to be a bad thing.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein

RJ's a pretty bright dude.

After losing someone I loved with all my heart, I wasn't able to open up enough to love someone again for nine years. I had relationships during that time but I didn't open up fully in them.

Nine years and then I was ready - or the right man came along - or both.

The moral of the story is - never say never.

You didn't give up on the asshole until he proved to you, over and over and OVER AGAIN, that he was never going to even *want* to give you what you need, and even then, you would have stayed in the hell you were in except for the sake of your kids, because he was beginning to show that if he couldn't "get to" you directly, he'd do it through them. That was his downfall, and the straw that showed you he would never, could never, truly be a husband and father.

Not all men are like him; you know that. Listen to the people I've quoted above, and to me. Give yourself time for the wounds to heal; have faith in yourself. Love your children and give them the support they need, and they in turn will support and strengthen you with their love, which is deep and pure and everlasting. I have faith in you; I always have. And I have faith that you will overcome this, as you've overcome so much else in your life.

 

[SimonBrooke]

for me.

I think that I have either lost my ability to give myself to someone or just don't want to invest the time and potential pain in doing so.
I don't know if this is a normal reaction because of the things I am going through or if this is developing into a bigger, scarier problem.

I don't think I could live a happy life being closed forever but I dont think there is enough of who i am left that isn't damaged to take the risk of failure in a relationship again.
I am often very naive and don't really know if things I feel are normal and may blow over so I'm asking here... Is this normal stuff? Will this feeling that I will never be able to have another intimate relationship again go away? Could it be that I may never be able to *give* me to someone again?

{{{{Hugs}}}}

I'm only reading between lines, of course, and reading between lines is something it's all too easy to get wrong. But hurt is something that happens in life. People (including you) don't live up to what you expected of them; relationships fail; the result is deeply painful. It's normal after such a failure to feel lost, to feel withdrawn, to find it hard to re-engage.

Hurt fades with time. In time, you will remember the good parts of the relationship that has ended, and, I hope, remember the bad parts less well. A good relationship is a heck of a lot better than being single - but, being single is a heck of a lot better than a bad relationship.

 

[graceanne]

I was put here to love.

That's me, too. With me it's also spiritual, but that's the 'meaning of life' to me.


KC - I think that when all your resources are being used elsewhere, and your body knows it doesn't have the energy to do anything else, that the less necessary parts will temporarily shut down. For instance, no periods if you're really sick. I think this is true in other ways too. You have a LOT on your plate right now, and so that part of your life is on hold. It doesn't mean it isn't going to come back, or that it's gone permanently, just that your body is taking care of you.

That said, if you never submit again, that doesn't mean that a fulfilling relationship will never happen again. Yes, we all like kinky sex/relationships, but kinky sex/relationships is not the end all and be all of sex and relationships. Maybe you've just outgrown that part of your life. Everything and everyone changes. My advice would be to keep yourself open for change, and allow it.

 

[MisterSir]

If you don't mind explaining again, what's happened in the past? I'm pretty out of the loop here.

 

[Kajira Callista]

If you don't mind explaining again, what's happened in the past? I'm pretty out of the loop here.

In the middle of a nasty divorce that was preceded by some pretty nasty abusive situations.

 

[Kajira Callista]

*Takes a deep breath*

I think I kind of get what all of you are saying and I think I got real scared when all of a sudden a certain feeling wasnt there that always was. It may be gone and that is a very sad thing for me. I suppose I am going to really just continue day by day.


I'm so glad I have this place and all of you.

 

[DVS]

Been there, done that. It's not over, unless you're on medication that has that effect on you. Or you've had someone hurt you, recently or a recent loss of a loved one can also do it.

But, it comes back. It always has for me. I'm sure you're no different. You're human, right?

 

[graceanne]

*Takes a deep breath*

I think I kind of get what all of you are saying and I think I got real scared when all of a sudden a certain feeling wasnt there that always was. It may be gone and that is a very sad thing for me. I suppose I am going to really just continue day by day.


I'm so glad I have this place and all of you.

We're glad we have this place and you, too. *hugs*

 

[ammre]

for me.

I think that I have either lost my ability to give myself to someone or just don't want to invest the time and potential pain in doing so.

I've gotten too happy and content being autonomious. Being a full Submissive would be nice and all in my mind, but god damn i'd go crazy after a while... I can't even stand having to tell my roommate where i'm going, or when I'll be home.