I think I might be scared to death to do this, but have at it!

[Dirty Kitten]

I've got two poems that I'd love to hear editing and feedback on. I write poetry as more of an expression of what I'm feeling- an outlet if you will- so I probably will never be great at it. However, I'd like some comments about how I can make these better.

I'd also really like someone that wouldn't mind editing a few more away from the BB. I have a couple that are living in the slumps and could use some rejuvination. Please email me if you've got some time and would be interested.

Thanks!

**********************************************

Apparition

Two men are in the house with me.
One is a beggar, the other I’d like to see.
But he’s asleep in her arms so tight,
So I’ve crawled into bed for the night.

Suddenly there are footsteps sounding in the hall,
And I want to make myself invisible and small.

Please God, make me disappear
Take away this blinding fear.
I’m trying so hard to fucking hide,
But there he is, by my side.

He’s blocking the door, I cannot run
How long until his begging is done?
I’m frozen immobile, unable to move.
How far will he go? How much to prove?

I don’t want to live in apprehension.
A life of fear and indecision.

Now it’s my turn to beg.
How much I wish he were an apparition.

*****************************************

Clear the Rain

I’m standing on the edge of my sanity with not a cliff in sight.
I want to plunge to the bottom of a blackened river, but the end won’t come tonight.

My mind begs to be saved from the rough and raging current.
The dark clouds that follow so close behind were surely sent by Satan’s loyal serpent.

Oh padded cell let me gladly inhabit! I could use a day of eating poker chips and ingesting Prozatic.

But that cliff I wish to fall from gets further away, and I’ve made it through another tempest and emotional day.

I’ll dream of cotton clouds and sunshiny rays, while trying to clear the rain from my gaze.

 

[Angeline]

Good morning and welcome to the forum.

Don't be scared. There are lots of good people who are willing to help those new to the forum.

I read both your poems and I can only offer some general feedback. You have good vocabulary and a nice dramatic sense that comes across especially in your second poem. These are real strengths.

I find both poems too general for me to get a real poetic feel from them though. It's clear that your first piece is about wanting to be with the person other than the one who comes to you. There's a sense of menace about the one you describe as a begger, but beyond that there's not enough detail for me to get the story I know is there. I would redo it with very specific images that convey your longing for the first person and fear and revulsion for the one who does come to you. What did the room look like? What was everyone wearing or not wearing? How did you all look? How did specific words and gestures make you feel what you do? The answers to any of those questions can provide images that will make for a stronger piece of writing.

Of the two poems, your second offers more specific images, but it's not really shaped--either as a traditional-looking poem or a prose poem. And here again you have some generalities and cliches ("rough and raging current" "dark clouds) that suggest what you feel, but have been overused in writing to the point where they don't carry a punch.

The more specific you can be, the better. If you just want to keep writing as an outlet and that satisfies you, that's a good thing. If you want to be more serious about it, you should read lots of poetry (here and elsewhere) and keep writing. I have found for myself that reading and writing poetry every day helps me improve.

Hope you find this helpful. I am sure others here will give feedback as well.

 

[WickedEve]

Personally, I like the first poem better. Even the rhyme didn't make cringe.
Angeline gave you some good advice. I can tell you have potential. You're already writing better than many people who submit poetry to literotica. And spending time on this forum is certainly one way to develop better writing skills.

 

[Tathagata]

And spending time on this forum is certainly one way to develop better writing skills.

I think you and I should argue about this, naked.

 

[WickedEve]

I think you and I should argue about this, naked.

Fine. You take off your clothes, then I'll laugh and say, "No. I wasn't laughing at you."
Well, that's one way it could happen.

 

[Tathagata]

Fine. You take off your clothes, then I'll laugh and say, "No. I wasn't laughing at you."
Well, that's one way it could happen.

or you could take your clothes off and I could laugh and say " what was I thinking?" and O.D on Geritol

 

[WickedEve]

or you could take your clothes off and I could laugh and say " what was I thinking?" and O.D on Geritol

we could both laugh, then go to our private corners and take care of business alone.

 

[Tathagata]

we could both laugh, then go to our private corners and take care of business alone.

jesus you're a whirlwind of desire today huh??

 

[WickedEve]

jesus you're a whirlwind of desire today huh??

What's desire? Write me a poem about desire!!
I'm trapped in the house today with two kids. One is wearing a pokemon costume and threatening to thunder shock me.

 

[Tathagata]

What's desire? Write me a poem about desire!!
I'm trapped in the house today with two kids. One is wearing a pokemon costume and threatening to thunder shock me.

i was going to threaten you with that too
but i'm not into that kinky cartoon costume sex

 

[annaswirls]

Welcome to the forum, kitten!

You have gotten off to a great start by sharing your poetry with others. It is certainly not easy to do, but it does get easier.

There is a lot of passion in both of your works, it is clear you have experiences to draw from. Keep reading poetry, here or elsewhere, that is the best way to learn. Find poems you like and poems you do not like. Try to find the difference, why do you like your favorites? What did the poet do? It is not copying, it is trying to identify your voice by recognizing pieces of it in others.

I think you have about three poems in each of the ones you presented

Keep on writing and reading and looking at things very closely, that is my suggestion to you,

all the best!

anna

 

[Angeline]

i was going to threaten you with that too
but i'm not into that kinky cartoon costume sex

Damn. So you won't dress up as the Lucky Charms guy and recite some Yeats for me?

 

[Dirty Kitten]

Thank You

Thank you for reading and responding.

Angeline and Annaswirls, I'm going to take your advice. Maybe after awhile I'll give the revisions and a new poem a spin and see if they are any better.

Wicked Eve, I'll definitely be coming back

DK