I Seek Advice

[pogogirl]

This isn't a How To question but I wanted to post this here because I consider you guys from this forum to be my friends and I need your advice right now. Here is the story. This past Febuary my boyfriend for the past five years and I broke up. I was 25 weeks pregnant with our son which we both wanted. It was a planned pregnancy. We were also supposed to get married. Our relationship started falling apart when I was 6 weeks pregnant and our apartment got broken into. We didn't lose all our stuff but he lost a lot of things that he treasured like his guitars and amps and a lot of music equipment and so on. We knew we couldn't keep living there because I would feel uneasy about having a baby in that kind of neighborhood anyway. We ended up moving in with my grandparents until we could find another place. My grandparents are really strict and were letting my ex and I stay there rent free if we helped them out with chores and stuff like that. I always did what I could to help out but my ex is really lazy and my grandparents were always saying stuff to him and asking why he didn't feel he needed to help out. I was always trying to get my ex to help out and was starting to run out of excuses for him. Then one day out of the blue he asked me if I minded if he called our ex friend Amy to see what shwas doing and to hang out with her sometime. Amy is a whole other story but she really screwed my ex and I over a long time ago and was suprised when he asked me if he could call her. Me being the trusting and cool girlfriend told him he could if he wanted to. Who was I to say who he could have as friends. Thats waht I thought. So it was cool for awhile and I thought everything was fine until one night my ex and my grandfather got into a argument once again about him not wanting to help out or do anything around the house but sleep and my ex got kicked out. I was devastated. I would have left with him but I was pregnant. After staying ina motel for a couple of nights he called Amy and asked if he could stay with her. I wasn't thrilled but at least he would have a place to stay. It was ok for a couple of weeks but then he just started to slowly get distant from me. I was getting worried because this was not like him. I called him and he sounded really bad. He just started crying and said he was lost in his life right now and that mabey we should break up. I couldn't believe it. He told me we were not the same people we once were when we first met and how it seemed like I never wanted to do anything woith him any more like going out to clubs like we used to. I explained to him that I was pregnant and had a full time job so that left little time for me to go out and party with him. I wouldn't go out to a club with him anyway being pregnant with all that somke around. So I asked him if he was going to be there for or son's birth and he said of course he would. So we talked on and off on the phone for the last few months of my pregnancy. By that time he had got kicked out of Amy's place by her grandfather as well and moved back home to Sturgis to live with his parents. Our son was born May 1st and he was there fro it. We talked about mabey getting back together and our son Corey and I moving to Sturgis with him but that was just talk. Corey and I did however went Sturgis in June to visit him. When we got there he said how much he missed Corey and me and was hinting at us getting back together again. He also told me he loved me which was something he hadn't said to me since we broke up. Then in the middle of my visit Amy called him and when I picked up the phone she asked to speak to her boyfriend. I was pissed and threw the phone at my ex and told him it was his girlfriend. I guess this whole time he had told her that they were going out. I was not going to be in any competion with any girl and told him he could count me out. She could have him. I left sturgis early because I was so upset. After that I would talk to him on the phone sometimes to tell him about Corey's doctor visits and stuff like that. then one afternoon I called and his aunt told me he moved back to Ohio. I guess Amy found a new place to stay herself and invited my ex to move in with her. This time I had to accept it was over. It was really hard. I didn't know how to date really and thought I would have a hard time finding someone my age to go out with who wouldn't mind that Iwas a single mother. After a while on the internet I met a guy who was married who was just lloking for fun. I hadn't had fun for a while myself and thought waht the hell and met up with him. It was fun but we couldn't see eachother as much as I would have liked. Then I moved to Athens to live with my mom. I found Lit and got addicted. I have met up with a few people from here and I am just really having a good time being single and meeting new people. Well just this past week I was chatting with Chris online and we started talking about what I was going to do this weekend. I told him my plans to meet up with two friends from Lit and we were going to have a threesome we had planed for weeks. He said that it wasn't smart to do that and that I should wait until he could get a night off of work and he could be a part of it. I told him he wouldn't like all the stuff we were going to do mainly because it was going to be bisexual. Then he floored me when he said that was ok since he was bi curious himself. I couldn't believe it. so we chated for hours and he told me that he still thinks about me and that everytime he is with her he thinks about me and he misses me so much. He says the reason broke up with me was because of all the presure from my grandparents and that fact that he thought I was bored with him. He now wants us to get back together and start from the begining. I don't know if I should try to have a relationship again with him or not. I really like this single lifestyle and sexual freedom I have now. On the other hand a part of me will always love my ex and he is my son's father. if there is a chance for all this to work out I might consider getting back together with him. What would you do in this situation? sorry if there are a lot of typos but It 1something in the morning Iam kind of doped up on pain pills for my toothach

 

[sunfox]

Okay, disclaimer first. You don't know me, I don't know you. You're free to disregard my advice.

That said, I was married to a man who was lazy, didn't help me out around the house, didn't trust me for a minute, was constantly accusing me of things I wasn't doing, etc. I separated from him, and shortly after, found out I was pregnant.

Now I had two choices. I loved him, and I could have gone back to him. Or I could stay away, and divorce him.

If it had just been me to consider, I'd have probably took him back eventually. I did love him, and I probably would have been insanely miserable catering to him for the rest of my days. But I might have done it.

However, I did not have just me to consider. I was pregnant. I had to think, 'What's best for my child's future?'. And the fact is, me stressed to the edge constantly, his accusations and petty cruelties, his laziness and inability to get a damned job... would not have been a happy life for my baby.

So I made a difficult choice, and I chose to divorce someone I loved, but couldn't save, and focus on her instead. I don't regret that choice.

In time, I found a good man, who treats me wonderfully and respects me. I don't worry about him cheating on me, hurting me on purpose, exploiting my desire to please him. We are happy, and my daughter is being raised in a healthy, stable, happy home.

Sit back, and look at what you've wrote. Is this a man you want influencing the life of your child? Is this the example you want him to see as a man as he grows? Does this man treat you with respect and love?

If you can't say yes to all those questions, maybe you need to make the hard choice, and walk away for good.

I can't make that choice for you. But believe me. I know how hard it is. But once you have a child, the time to indulge your desires and feelings is gone, if it will harm them. Good luck.

 

[Nonchalant]

i say fuck him. he left you during a very vulnerable and important time in your life and got some new pussy.

you got up, brushed yourself off..got your life togther and moved on. NOW he comes around and sees that you're having fun with threesomes and whatnot and he wants back in on the action.

tell him to go fuck himself in the ass... (he'd prolly like it)

 

[Lust Engine]

There's a little voice inside your head- call it a woman's intuition, your gut, instinct or whatever, but listen to it.

Go with your gut reaction in this instance. Your first priority is the well being of your child first and foremost. You need someone who will be a father at this point and it might not be the biological father of the kid either.

Trust in yourself.

Good luck.

 

[Bobmi357]

Two comments.....


1) Forget about the loser. He needs you more than you need him.

2) FOR GAWDS SAKE. PLEASE USE PARAGRAPHS NEXT TIME YOU DECIDE TO WRITE AN OPUS FOR US. Do you have any idea how hard that was to read???

 

[cg_allstar]

Pogogirl, your ex sounds like a child in a grown-up body. Go find yourself a man.

For everyone else, I have a question. Why is it that I hear all these different women talking about loving these total creeps? The guys fools around, or is lazy, or has some other serious flaw, dumps the girls and she says she still loves him. How can you love someone that you have to keep making excuses for, or someone that you don't really respect?

 

[fgarvb1]

Damn woman!

I'm crossed eyed from reading your post.

Several things stand out to me.

1. You have NOT had a relationship with a grownup man or one who wants to be.

2. Girlfriend he is playing you like a cheap violin!

3. He is one lazy self-centered SOB.

4. He is not going to change...why should he? He is having the time of his life! Not worrying about anything, all the pussy he can round up. I'll be surprised if he is paying child support...Hell I'll be surprised if he's paying for a place to live!

5. Anyone can claim they love you, this dude has a very strange way of showing it.

6 It is a good thing he is on your side! If he was your enemy just thank what he could accomplish!

7. Stop letting him get close to you! HE IS A SPONGE.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I have to agree with everyone else here. If you are making it on your own - why let him back in? He's just going to drag you down. He's lazy, he doesn't work, he's a user.

Go immediately to children's services (if you haven't already) and get child support payments instituted. Even if he has no money now - some day he might and your child is going to need that.

Trust me - there are men out there who will love you AND be willing to help. That's what a relationship is - BOTH people working together for one goal.

 

[Noor]

as they say any man can provide sperm to produce a child, but not all are capable of being fathers, your guy isn't even capable of being an honest friend.

I would lose him until he starts showing that he can be a compliment in your life instead of just a sperm donating user.

I think a job, child support, starting a college fund for your child, then maybe a supervised relationship with his son would be a start.

 

[Parklife]

I echo the sentiments above. don't get back with him. you already know what a relationship with him is like. It is highly unlikely that he will ever get over being lazy. I've come to learn that it's just one of those things people can't change easily.

You've started to move on, don't regress back to a bad situation.

 

[Vixandra]

I follow the general consensus.

He left you all alone with a unborn babe to support it and yourself.
Then, after you're settled and exploring the world around you, he wants back in.
Don't let him back in. If he can be mature, support himself and pay child support for a year then maybe you can talk but till then... no way.

 

[Zeldas slave]

If he DID care, then he'd be there - with you through thick AND thin.
It's obvious he doesn't though - so dump him in the bin!

Zeldas Slave

 

[dollface007]

Just in case you haven't gotten the gist of everyone else's opinion of this guy.....

BIG LOSER!!

Please don't subject yourself to anymore of this guy's crap. You can and will do better than him. You and your child deserve better. He's already proven that when the going gets tough, he gets going right out the door. I wouldn't wish what he did to you on my worst enemy.

 

[CelticFrog]

He reminds me of my husband's brother. A piece of shit who relies on everyone but himself to support him.

Get and keep as far away from this guy as possible. He is relying on you taking him back and supporting him until he can find someone else to do it.

In my experience, a man like this in actuality cares nothing for his spawn and really just pretends to in hopes that he won't have to pay child support.

My three cents.
Ang

 

[warrior queen]

Pogogirl, your ex sounds like a child in a grown-up body. Go find yourself a man.

For everyone else, I have a question. Why is it that I hear all these different women talking about loving these total creeps? The guys fools around, or is lazy, or has some other serious flaw, dumps the girls and she says she still loves him. How can you love someone that you have to keep making excuses for, or someone that you don't really respect?

it's the cinderella complex, as well as huge doses of guilt, self-doubt and fear.
and it's the deception perpetrated by the asshole who is all sweetness and light before he gets the woman, and completely different afterwards.
women are seduced by the good stuff and somehow completely ignore the negatives during that first flush of a new relationship - and they can be trapped so easily because of this.

the cinderella complex is a way of thinking that girls are subjected to right from the very first day they begin to play. it's the learning that once you have a man, then you should do everything possible to make that relationship work, even if he's not contributing as much - be it emotionally, physically, whatever. and it's being told that you CAN find that prince charming who will love you forever, take care of you, nurture you.... and when the reality isn't quite as good as the fairytale, it's trying to change yourself to make that fairytale happen, instead of changing the situation.

it's guilt, because by making a mistake, choosing the wrong partner, and leaving him - we are telling the entire world (and more to the point, our nearest and dearest) that we're failures. and we're not supposed to do that. we're supposed to be the wonderfully adaptable, caring, nurturing people that we've always been brought up to be. and when we make such a huge mistake, we won't admit it, because we'll feel guilty about the lives that will be affected by doing so - children, parents, in-laws, friends.

self-doubt..... what if we leave this loser and then we can't find anyone else????? what if this loser is as good as we're ever going to get???? what if the problem is not him, what if the problems are because of me?????
when something that starts out so right, ends up becoming a lot less than we hoped for, women automatically begin to question whether the issues are because of them, rather than if the issues are because of both, or maybe him alone. we're programmed to look first to ourselves and see if there's anything we can do to improve ourselves first..... and for some, because of the changeable natures of the men we're with, never get to the point of being able to answer that (because just when you think you've figured it out, he changes again and we have to start over), and if you can't answer it, then there must be something else within us that is wrong because we haven't been able to figure it out!
it's a vicious cycle.

and fear - because let's face it, especially once there are children in the equation, anyone helping to support them is better than no-one!!! and because we're told right from the get-go that we're going to grow up and be half of a twosome - the thought of being alone and solo can be the most terrifying thing to someone who went straight from the community of family, to the community of marriage/partnership.

to summerise - until it becomes just as ok for a woman to take charge of her own life and be allowed to make choices freely about her own destiny (with no condemnation from family/friends/colleagues who know both of you), then there will always be these onesided relationships that seem to keep going no matter how unhappy the woman is.

 

[sunfox]

What warrior queen said.

Great post, and very correct. In my case, I can say honestly that the thing that kept me from utterly blowing him off up until I found out I was pregnant was the fact that I'd be the only person in my family in living memory to divorce. I admit, I was deeply uncomfortable with deciding to divorce until I'd exhausted all other options. When I finally separated with him, I'd done exactly that, and was prepared to face life without him unless he straightened up sufficiently to make me wish to give him a second chance.

However, the pregnancy changed all that, and I put my foot down and just said no. Best thing I ever did.

To quote an amusing Garth Brooks song,
"I guess your Prince Charming, wasn't after all.
Cause he sure seemed different right after the ball.
I guess more than horses are turning into rats...
and by the way he's walking, I can guess where your slipper's at!"

 

[SexyChele]

I think you already know what the answer is, don't you? Deep in your heart that little voice is telling you exactly what you need to do.

All this "man" (using the term loosely) has shown is that he can produce children, is lazy, selfish, and willing to play (at least) 2 females against each other. This is some one you seriously want in your life willingly? Is this the best role model for your son? Seriously?

Tell him to go back to Amy, if she'll continue to have. However, apart from concerns about your son and any life events involving him, he's out of your life. Then, as crazybbwgirl said, go to legal aid (can be free, depending on your circumstances) and file for child support. Granted, he may not have a job (chances are, he never will), but if he should get one, he needs to take responsibility for depositing that sperm. He helped create your son, he can assist with the care and support as well.

Continue living your life and enjoying what you have. You will only walk this path at this time once! Take full advantage.

Then, I would visit your grandparents. Acknowledge to them that you made excuses for the bum, apologize for any burden you may have placed on them, and give them both a huge hug for showing just what a fool they saved you from! In reading your story, I do believe that, had you not had your grandparents "badgering" this fellow, it would have taken longer for you to see the "real him." I would be forever grateful to them - especially your grandfather for kicking him out - for showing this to you!

Take care, good luck, and enjoy the journey!

 

[pogogirl]

Thank you for all the advice. I am sorry I wrote the post that way. I actually didn't think I would write that much. I was also really tired at the time and like I said was doped up on some good pain killers fro my toothach. I think I already know the answer myself. I don't need him in my life anymore. I hope to find that special person someday soon who will love me and accept both me and my child. Until then I will just continue to have fun.

 

[fgarvb1]

You misunderstand.

We like long, detailed explanations. A person needs to break them up into paragraphs and space out the sentences for easy reading, much like writing a letter.

Thats all.