i see you there, sleeping ~ by mlady ~

[mlady]

i see you there, sleeping

~my sweet love"her don't awake~

sleep well until morning

when the dawn shall break.

my kisses will be deep when you open your eyes.

my hands will caress your soft sweet thighs.

your hands will find such pleasure,

my tongue to be your guide.

i want you close beside me.

o sweet love"her just wait until morning,

when i shall wake you with a smile.


changed the '~" only have two "~~"

love"her widely used in lesbian romantic poetry.

see additional comments below.

thanks for all of your help!

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

Why are "~" there?

 

[373Kelvin]

works for me.

~ = --
?

i see you there, sleeping

~my sweet love'her don't awake~

sleep well until morning

when the dawn shall break.

my kisses will be deep when you open your eyes.

my hands will caress your soft sweet thighs.

your hands will find such pleasure ~

my tongue to be your guide.

i want you close beside me ~

o sweet love'her just wait until morning ~

when i shall wake you with a smile.

let me know if the "~~" do anything for the poem. thanks

 

[mlady]

re: sleeping

the "~" symbols are to express a diffent type of punctuation. i want to reader to stop. and then move on to the next word. i would like to think that the "~" sign is more effective than a "." or al "," .

t hanks for you feedback thus far

 

[champagne1982]

the "~" symbols are to express a diffent type of punctuation. i want to reader to stop. and then move on to the next word. i would like to think that the "~" sign is more effective than a "." or al "," .

thanks for you feedback thus far

The ~ tilde has several uses, none of which are to replace the . period which defines the end of a complete thought or the , comma which is a separator of list items, clauses and a few more grammatical items but I think you know what I mean.
Here is a link to a ~Tildepage. Probably more info than you care to have, but let's not quibble, if you're going to use a symbol in your poetry, you should at least have a basic understanding of the generally accepted uses of it.

So, to answer your question, "let me know if the "~~" do anything for the poem. thanks" I don't think they do much. If I read them as lengthened vowels then I sound as if I'm rather intoxicated. Applying the accents to the word that follows seems to have no merit either. They are successful in making your text seem to "look cute, more feminine or pleasant" as it says in the Wikipedia article on tildes but that wouldn't work when reading the poem aloud.

 

[TheRainMan]

comment deleted . . .

i could have sworn this poem was up in the "poetry discussion circle."

i must need more coffee, or something.

 

[TheRainMan]

i do not think the tilde works, no.

nor do i think the word love'her works, either.

 

[duckiesmut]

comment deleted . . .

i could have sworn this poem was up in the "poetry discussion circle."

i must need more coffee, or something.

Smartass.

 

[flyguy69]

This is a little like asking "I just got an '85 Ford Fiesta! What do you think of the license plate?"

 

[TheRainMan]

Smartass.

LOL.

no, really. i thought i clicked on the "Poetry Discussion Circle" (i did, i know i did . . . but am willing to admit i may be losing it . . . it's happened before . . .),

and i left this big, long critique on this poem . . . and then i saw it was on, or was moved to, the regular threads.

why am i explaining this to you, Miss Nawlins? . . . i have no idea.

This is a little like asking "I just got an '85 Ford Fiesta! What do you think of the license plate?"

you are very good at analogies.

you must have aced the College Boards.

 

[vampiredust]

I saw this in the discussion thread earlir before it was teleported down here, not sure of these ~ either, they don't add anything to the poem

 

[TheRainMan]

I saw this in the discussion thread earlir before it was teleported down here, not sure of these ~ either, they don't add anything to the poem

ah, i thought so . . . phew!

mlady -- if you intentionally put this poem up in the 'Poetry Discussion Circle' because you wanted deeper commentary, you can have mine for the asking (it is not complimentary toward the poem). it is written, and i cut it after the poem was moved.

i guess a mod moved it, thinking you meant to place it on a regular thread like this, which you probably did.

 

[duckiesmut]

LOL.

no, really. i thought i clicked on the "Poetry Discussion Circle" (i did, i know i did . . . but am willing to admit i may be losing it . . . it's happened before . . .),

and i left this big, long critique on this poem . . . and then i saw it was on, or was moved to, the regular threads.

why am i explaining this to you, Miss Nawlins? . . . i have no idea.

Because you knew I'd find it amusing.

Why are you still here? Shoo!

 

[wildsweetone]

i see you there, sleeping

~my sweet love'her don't awake~

sleep well until morning

when the dawn shall break.

my kisses will be deep when you open your eyes.

my hands will caress your soft sweet thighs.

your hands will find such pleasure ~

my tongue to be your guide.

i want you close beside me ~

o sweet love'her just wait until morning ~

when i shall wake you with a smile.

let me know if the "~~" do anything for the poem. thanks

this ~ punctuation is kind of radical and although is not in book use (to my knowledge) at this point in time, may, perhaps, one day be seen sprinkled through poetry.

i guess if you're going to use it, then use it carefully and consistently in your poem. as it stands, in my opinion, it isn't being used in a way i can stomach i.e. it's not indicating speech, but that's just my preference for odd useage.

because you have mixed it in with the full stop and the comma it does not do the job of either. i guess you could use the semi-colon to replace your ~ but it won't have the same feminine look you are wanting to achieve. (I say the latter based on the way you have written 'love'her', which incidentally doesn't do anything for me except make me stumble over saying the word and make me re-read what you've said to make better sense.)

i'm not commenting on the poem itself as you haven't asked for that. hope something i've said is of use to you.

 

[mlady]

ever hear the expression

Hit me with your best shot?

That’s what this is about. Go for it.

As a writer, I believe that the words I am typing are clear to the reader. What I have read so far, allows me to understand what I may do differently with other work, as well as how I may edit my short stories.

The phrase love” her, is a term used in lesbian erotic writing. It brings focus to the intended subject.

The tilde ~ wow! I admit, I was not informed of the history and the variety of its uses. However, I am using this properly according to. http://diveintomark.org/archives/2002/10/04/history_of_the_tilde

The following quote represents my meaning for using the tilde:

"...Digging further, we find this post of Jukka’s from 1998, in which we learn that the tilde was not meant to be the tilde at all, but rather an odd character called the overline. Presumably to balance out the underline, if indeed those sorts of things require balance. There is balance in the universe, to be sure, but I am less sure that it emanates from my keyboard No matter. The tilde was the tilde so that Spanish-typing types could type the ñ (now referenced in HTML as the named entity &tilde , but somewhere along the line, it morphed into a general-purpose character with all sorts of geeky uses.
..."

And I was partly right, as you were as well. Thanks for pointing that out. I still feel strongly about some how incorporating this into my work. I agree i need to use this sparingly, and find another way to create breaks between the words.

the work of e e cummings inspired me to become a poet. its challanging to bring forth unique and orignial ideas, without disrespecting the one who
inspired the thought.

The very fact that people want to reply helps me out a great deal. I look forward to reading your words as well, and seeing if I have any ideas.


Thanks again

Mlady

btw:being new to the forum, i understand where work needs to be placed the next time i submit.

 

[TheRainMan]

Hit me with your best shot?

That’s what this is about. Go for it.

ok.

here is the commentary, word for word, that i put up on the Poetry Discussion Circle, where this type of critiquing is the norm. i deleted it when your poem was moved down here, since it was not clear you wanted this type of opining.

now that you've said you do, i've simply cut and pasted it below.

***************


i assume you are aware that you placed this poem in the poetry discussion circle, where it is supposed to receive deep critique and opinion. if you were unaware of that and do not want that type of observation, you can always move it to its own thread, where it will not be looked at so intensively.

that being said, here are my comments:

there are plenty of ways for creating a caesura . . . ~, is not one of them. i see Champagne has given you a link to a tilde page. the mark should be explained there.

it just draws attention to itself, and thus becomes very intrusive to the poem. it becomes a topic itself, which is not a good thing for a punctuation mark to do. you can try other ways. an em dash, for instance.

the word love'her does not work for me, either. like your use of ‘~’, it is pretentious, a mannerism which draws attention away from the poem itself. (affectations like these never work, i don’t think. they do not bear the naturalness necessary for quality in poetry). there is no such word. i think our language if beyond the point of such artificial attempts at novel invention, as you try here with that word, and with punctuation. new word attempts need to be more subtle, in my opinion. forming a new compound word, for instance, joining two words into one . . . i don't think love'her cuts it.

as to the poem, IMO it is quite weak. it is cliched-ridden, and has no fresh language at all. all of phrases are old and stale, and carry no life. this, for instance:

my kisses will be deep when you open your eyes.
my hands will caress your soft sweet thighs.
your hands will find such pleasure ~
my tongue to be your guide.

(the poem should be single-, not double-spaced).

and, the forced rhymes are downright sophomoric in spots. one example of this would be the fourth line:

when the dawn shall break

this is simply a redundancy of the previous word "morning" -- and it is there only to force a rhyme (since it has nothing new to say and in no way helps move the poem along) with the second line my sweet love'her don't awake.

a poem with the sentiments you are trying to express can be written, of course, but you need new words. these, have very little to offer, IMO.

good luck with the piece.

 

[champagne1982]

"...Digging further, we find this post of Jukka’s from 1998, in which we learn that the tilde was not meant to be the tilde at all, but rather an odd character called the overline. Presumably to balance out the underline, if indeed those sorts of things require balance. There is balance in the universe, to be sure, but I am less sure that it emanates from my keyboard No matter. The tilde was the tilde so that Spanish-typing types could type the ñ (now referenced in HTML as the named entity &tilde , but somewhere along the line, it morphed into a general-purpose character with all sorts of geeky uses..."

With all due respect, this page seems to be addressing the use of and the creation of geek speak including the tilde mark. Without expending more energy on a rather blah subject, I would like to defend my snobbery regarding the grammar usage of said punctuation through pointing out that you did want the mark to replace periods and commas.

Thanks for sharing your poem.

 

[mlady]

thanks for all of that

thanks for the comments and advice.

i look forward to providing a simliar critique to the poets who post in this forum.

once again, i shall defend "love'her" perhaps, this is not common to those who are not in the lesbian community. trust me. it IS an correct usage of the word.

peace