I really need some help

[Wizdom]

I am new to Lit but from what I have read so far I really like. Everyone seems to give an honest opinion to the topic that is put before them. With that being said I need some advice on a situation that I am currently in:

I have been married for less than 5 years. Before we were married everything was really great, but after the 1st year or so my husband changed. Because of a “he says she says” comment that I was suppose to have made all intimacy in our relationship came to a complete stop. After a month or so I tried to get him to tell me what was wrong but all he said was nothing; I got pissed off about the whole situation and just came out and ask him why does he not show any affection towards me and he said “I was trying to make him look bad by talking about him to other people”. I was completely floored. Since that time things have not changed much; he feels sex once every 2-3 months for 5-10 minutes is alright. We have not kissed (I mean really kissed) in almost 3 years.

I have asked about counseling but he feels he does not need to go; I don't think I need it either but I was willing to try. I have considered leaving (several times) but facing reality I can not afford it at this point in my life. (I don’t want to live from check to check) I have considered just getting my needs taken care of else where but I am new to this state and do not know anyone.

Any suggestions??


Please keep it real because I am getting desperate........

 

[sheath]

Your husband seems to have a very, very serious problem...and that problem is NOT you.

If he is being honest about the reason he doesn't want to be intimate with you, then this man has the ability to hold a serious grudge. And to hold it for YEARS? And not tell you exactly what you did, and not talk to you about it? There is a communication gap the size of the Grand Canyon going on here. Besides that, I would seriously question whether or not I wanted to be with a man who could carry that much hatred in his heart, and for that long, and against the person he is supposed to honor and cherish.

My guess is one of two things: Your husband either needs to grow the fuck up, or he is lying about the reason he stopped being intimate with you. Either way, serious counseling is in order, and I mean FAST.

You have to be a saint to put up with the shit he has been throwing you for the last four years. Reminds me of a man I was with for a very long time...and the final verdict on him was emotional abuse on a grand scale. Indifference, or withholding of affection, IS a form of emotional abuse. Check out this link and see if it sounds anything like you...

Link

I know I probably sound pretty harsh. But you know...for anyone to let a grudge drag on for that long, and to not even give a good explanation, is entirely absurd. Like I said, your husband has a serious problem. If he won't go to counseling, get in counseling yourself. Something has to give here, and I pray it is not your spirit that does.

Good luck...

S.

 

[fille]

Even if your husband won't go with you, I think you should try going to counseling with someone who is experienced with marital/relationship issues. A good counselor may help you to figure out different ways to resolve the problem, or may help you make your mind up about what to do about it. You may not feel like you "need" counseling, since he is obviously the one with the problem, but you are the one who has been living with the problem for three years and you still don't know what to do about it. I'd say get some help.

 

[dollface007]

I'm going to just come out and tell you that you are in real big trouble here, and i think you know that. Unfortunately, you are the SECOND person on this board that i've said the following words to:

The withdrawal of affection is a form of psychological ABUSE. It is an attempt to control.

Ask yourself if period of financial sacrifice is worse than a lifetime of emotional abuse. This WILL NOT stop unless YOU put a stop to it. I'm not going to tell you that you need a therapist, but I'm going to strongly suggest it, ESPECIALLY because your husband won't go himself. If he wanted to save your marriage he would be in couples therapy with you.

Check out this thread started by our beloved Sheath. It will give you alot of insight:
Will somebody please tell me what the hell is up with my man

 

[sheath]

I just have to post again, in response to dollface.

Every word dollface said in that linked thread wound up being absolutely true, even though I admit I didn't want to believe her at the time. It is very easy to lay blame on yourself, especially when you are in a relationship with someone who blames you from the get-go, like your husband did. Pretty soon he doesn't have to make it seem like it is your fault...you will start to feel as though it is, all by yourself. And that is one of the steps toward serious emotional abuse.

Pay attention to dollface, she knows exactly what she is talking about.

S.

 

[curious2c]

It seems that your husband is holding back from you for some reason and trying to make you feel that you are the reason he feels the way he does. It is a form of control that some people use, and abuse others with. Either that, or he has a physical problem that is too embarrassing for him to talk to you about...but for five years...I am thinking you need to do two things here. Move out, temporarily, but do not tell him that, and force the issue with him. Let him see that you mean business. That may convince him to try counseling. The second thing is you definitely need to go to counseling in either case.

Abuse is abuse, wether it be physical or mental. His emotion-attacking method is a form of control for him and by following along with his 'game' you allow him to control you in that way. Eventually the 'game' changes as the player tends to exert more and more seeing how far they can go.

Sometimes they may not even know why or in a few very rare cases, why they do what they do. In the end, if he truly loves you and wants to keep you, he will go to counseling and even treatment if required.

If he doesn't then you will be far better off away from him and starting over. I know that it may seem like an insurmountable mountain for you at this moment, but believe me, in the long run you will find happiness walking if he does not cooperate and go with you to counseling.

Your overall health would be better served to be out from under his influence until he decides to go to counseling or not. If he chooses not...walk...hell...run and make a clean break.

I've had a sister that went through the same or similar situation. She tried to stick it out since that was what she believed she had to do. It cost her so much in the end...it was not worth it. And, to top it off, she ended up divorced anyway and struggling alone, with three kids for several years before getting a good job and able to live comfortably.

Trust me...you need to take the steps necessary now to find out his true intent. Be strong and have faith that things will work out one way or the other for you in the future. Don't become a victim by default.

You will be in my thoughts from now on...

 

[Wizdom]

I know he is the one with the problem.

I also know there is nothing wrong with me. (which, I admit took me a while to figure out.)
If he truly believes he does not need therapy then his problem goes deeper than I think it does.

I will read the link sent to me.

I guess I am still trying to figure out how all this happened.

But what really gets me it the times when we do have sex, it is a complete waste of time for me. I get nothing out of it (not to mention it goes by so quickly)

But being real to myself - I believe I am just holding this down until I can move on as things are coming together really fast now.

An relationship with someone else sounds really nice especially since there will be no strings attached......for now. But I can't help but to think that if I do get into a relationship with someone will it always be in the back of his mind that "since I am seeing him and being married - will I do it again with someone else (as in cheating on him)

I know if the tables were reversed...I might.

 

[curious2c]

I would reccomend no relationships with anyone else until this issue is decided once and for all. Any other person involving you while still married would only cause more problems than it would be worth.

I think you need to get this serious problem with your husband taken care of first. Have some sort of closure or perhaps, get the help he needs and continue on with your marriage, but adding others now would be bad.

Just some advice from an ol man.

 

[Jaded1]

Hi, Wizdom...

Ok, this is still another angle. This is coming from a guy. You most definitely have a major communications problem. Not just him but you also. The real problem is that it should never been allowed to fester this long... In any sucessful relationship communications must alway remain open. As a team you should feel comfortable to talk with your partner on any subject. He on the other hand is being a complete child. Some time a couple may need a mediator when they hit a point were a understanding can not be meet. When actual facts become cloudy. By not willing to sit down with this person he is in fact throwing in the towel. It's very easy to quit and much hard to work thing out! I also strongly suggest that you see counseling yourself. Not that you are souly responsible for this problem but to improve on your communications. I recommend that you continue to attempt to communicate with him. It could be that he feels so much angrue and hurt that he doesn't no how to start communicating again. I would be much easy if he would see the counselor also but this doesn't sound like that will happen in the near future. Sound like you will have to be the strong one for the both of you two. The very best of luck. It does sound like your making a actual attempt to make your realtionship work... Congradulations!

 

[Llyren]

I can relate. For almost four years I was married. A couple of weeks after the wedding, my husband told me the didn't find me attractive because I was too fat. What it eventually boiled down to was that he expected me to change myself physically and emotionally with no support or help. Should I have managed to do that to his satisfaction, then he would, at that point, consider being affectionate and loving. Idiot that I can be at times, I did try, though my resentment at having to deal with emotional blackmail and arbitrary demands did mean it didn't work as well.
He began seeing a woman who used to trade sexual favours for illegal drugs. Everytime I caught him having this online affair, he'd swear it was over. A month ago he told me that he didn't think he'd ever be in love with me, grabbed his clothing and vanished. A week or so later he turned up out in California as the lapdog of this person. I'm sure he already has some of her venereal diseases. Because we frequent the same communities, I do see him online. He acts as if he's done nothing to be ashamed of. He actually had the gall to tell me, in a hurt and offended tone, that he "knew I wouldn't be willing to be friends".

The point of this nasty little tale is this: You are being abused. And you need to put your foot down and get out. Or more to the point, get -him- out. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's having an affair of some sort. My husband had a "fling" with one of my best friends. She finally confessed to me in tears. Yes, it's hard being poor. But wouldn't you rather be poor with your self-respect and self-esteem? If he isn't willing to work on this with you. End it. I know it hurts. Trust me. But there are worse things than having it hurt. Pm me if you want.

 

[Wizdom]

I am really glad I decided to post this. I think this is a start of what I needed - sound advice from real people. Thanks.

1st I will look into and find someone I think we will be comfortable talking with.

2nd I will let him know that I am going to couseling and why.

3rd I will ask him to go with me; but I will let him know this is something I will do with him or without him!!

After a few sessions, I will make the decision to stay or go. If he refuses to go to even one session I will walk.



p.s. very nice pic Jaded1

 

[Noor]

[B
An relationship with someone else sounds really nice especially since there will be no strings attached......for now. [/B]

Sorry, there are always strings of some sort without either party knowing or realizing it until they are there.

Don't go this route.


If sex with your husband is unfillingly, why bother to have it? It sounds like it hurts you more than no sex.