I or We need HELP

[curiouslylookin37]

My wife and I have been married for 24 years this comming November. We have 3 wonderful kids, a boy and two girls. We live relitively comfortable and have a nice home. For the past few years sex has become less and less frequent and less nd less passionate.
I WANT her now more than ever yet she is uninterested. I get home hours before she does, I cook at least 5 nights out of seven and take care of our laundry 9 ( hers & mine) the kids are old enough to fin for themselves in that regard.
I am 42 she is 41. I have tried to get her to read the Lit stories and even look at some picbut she has no desire. I love her but I can't continue like this.
We have had a full swap with close friends she knows I read on this site but has no interest in anything further.
I'm approaching the end of the rope on ideas.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Mike

 

[mntcmn]

think about

There are SO many things that can go "wrong" without even seeming to be a problem. Little things that one would not think would be a problem can add up or mount up to a turned off deal. It can happen both ways. Problem is, discovering or uncovering these things may be a pain in the patootee--or worse. My guess withing knowing is that, failing some medical issue, there are "little" events that have resulted in resentment or anger. A skilled therapist would be able to ascertain the basis for the problem but beware that it might well be hard work and there may be some behaviors of yours involved.
M

 

[satindesire]

This happens in many marriages, so at least you can say you're not alone.

Usually, the decline of passion in a long-term relationship isn't due to just one or two easily addressable issues, but a long list of little things that have been building up to this situation. Usually, both parties in the relationship are equally to blame for the rift, and sometimes it can take a therapist to sort it out.

Please keep in mind I'm still speaking in general terms just to give you some idea of what is common in these kinds of situations.

Resentments from past arguments or issues that have not been properly resolved could be a factor, as could her age. She's probably now in her worst throes of Menopause, and Menopause is notorious for utterly destroying a woman's normal libido. Poor communication is often a factor...either a lack of communication or a lack of honesty and/or compassion in the communication. Also, any combination of failing self-esteem due to aging, boredom of "the usual" sex, or stress from money and/or work issues.

Really, the absolute best thing you can do, and the only advice we can truly give you, is to talk to your wife and do not let her clam up about this situation. She needs to care about your marriage as much as you do, and if she does not, then you need to seek a divorce. It takes TWO willing parties putting all their effort into it to make a successful relationship, and you can only do so much to hold it together.

Suggest counseling. STRONGLY. As I said before, sometimes couples do better with mediation and a therapist can help you untangle the years of issues that may be keeping you two apart in the bedroom.

Good luck.

 

[coastal-boy]

have you noticed lack of attention/detail in other factors of her life? If she used to dress nice every day...does she still do this?

 

[Mac98]

My suggestion would be to seek therapy (Not you alone, but both of you together) before it's too late. These types of things eventually lead to an affair or a divorce... most of the time neither ends up being very friendly or peaceful.

My advice is talk to her about it. If that's already done, seek therapy. If she's unwilling to do so... sounds like a clear sign of her stance towards all this.

 

[mc4d2150]

Mike;

You & your wife are certainly not alone in this sort of situation ...... Good advice has been given already, re: councelling, therapy etc. But in my experience - not disimiliar to yours - I also found that when all was said & done, it was the ability to communicate that was the crucial issue.

Oh, sure ... we all communicate don't we?? - Well, no ... not that openly, vulnerably & totally honestly. There-in lies the problem in most cases; when a very LT relationship - that still has a lot of love & intimacy in it - can start to unravel & fall apart .... and that's when it adds to the 50%++ divorce stats!! I suggest & hope that you don't go there.

Now, here is me, on my soap box (!) .....

Seriously though, a few years ago a good friend introduced me to HAI workshops & the HAI community - www.HAI.org - These have been going on a world-wide basis for years. Started in the late '60's by a guy called Stan Dale, they are now global. HAI stands for Human Awareness Inst. The workshops focus on providing a safe & secure place where folk can learn about their own understanding of the differences between Love, Intimacy & Sexuality - and how to communicate openly & authentically between partners & others in close relationships. I would note that much of HAI is centered on self-help & self-understanding therapy.

Good Luck! - 25 yrs is a big investment (been there - DT!) - I think & hope that you will both recognise that you have a lot on the line & that resolution (the Win/Win variety!) can be achieved - but it will take effort, commitment and probably an honest willingnes to be VERY open, authentic &, as necessary, vulnerable.

A tough road to hike .... can you do it? - Are both of you willing to do it??

Good luck!

M.

 

[SpecialKay62]

Omg

Are you my husband? : ) Seriously...

First let me say I don't think your wife is in the "throes of menopause" as had been previously stated. Maybe peri-menopause, which can upset hormone levels and effect libido, but it's not full-on menopause yet. Of course, I'm not a doctor, so I can't be sure about this...however...

I have been married for 21 years. I'm 48, my husband is 50. Sometimes I feel like having sex, some times I don't. Sometimes he does, sometimes he does, more than ever. : ) We communicate fabulously about the kids (3 teens) the house, finances, plans. We get along quite well in all areas of our married life; it's very comfortable and secure. But it's not perfect...it's a lot of give and take and putting up with things and letting some things just go. Experience has taught me that I'm never really at my breaking point, I just think I am then things turn around.

I have no words of wisdom for you other than: This too shall pass. Married life is great and it sucks. So many things change, and yet there you are, waking up with the same person day in day out. You eat 3 meals a day, right? Say you love steak and salad, but do you want it EVERY SINGLE MEAL? I think not. But you have to find another way to consider it, because that's what you got. That's kinda how I look at marriage sometimes. I am truly grateful to have a life partner who can be there for me, and i for him. We've been through a lot over the years. I'm not going to give that up for sex with someone else. We have an extensive history together. He knows me. And yet, he still loves me.

Your wife will come around. There are tons of womens' magazines and books filled with discussions on the issue of loss of libido and disinterest in sex. Maybe if you read a few, you'd realize it's not YOU, its HER. Another storm to weather.

All the best to you!

 

[groovytay]

Mike,

Your post just makes me sad. Probably because, as stated, you are not a lone and a lot of us have felt and do feel this way.

I would have to ask about the swap. That sent up a red flag to me considering the fact that 1) you have been married so long and 2) now there is nothing?

I agree with what has been said about communication. Did you communicate before and after the swap? Have you expressed your frustration to her? Do you talk about sex and your relationship and intimacy on a regular basis?

I wish I could offer great words of wisdom, but nothing any of us say here will bring you the peace you need. You have a desire that is not being met right now and the only true way for you to have that happiness is to "fix" the problem with your wife.

Do not give up. You obviously love her and have invested much time and effort into your marriage. You did that for a reason. Do not just throw that away.

Keep us posted. I would love to hear how you overcome this obstacle as many of us are dealing with similar situations.

Taylor

 

[Sinny]

She's probably now in her worst throes of Menopause, and Menopause is notorious for utterly destroying a woman's normal libido./snip

That's true the menopause can be the source of killing libido, at least temporarily until it passes. However, the OP's wife is 41. That's a decade too young for menopause.

It's more likely, if it's hormonal (which it's probably not), it's perimenopause, which can be treated until a woman reaches menopause. To the OP, you could try talking to your wife about any symptoms she's having: hot flashes, irregular bleeding, hormonal shifts.

 

[Sinny]

Are you my husband? : ) Seriously...

First let me say I don't think your wife is in the "throes of menopause" as had been previously stated. Maybe peri-menopause, which can upset hormone levels and effect libido, but it's not full-on menopause yet. Of course, I'm not a doctor, so I can't be sure about this...however...

I have been married for 21 years. I'm 48, my husband is 50. Sometimes I feel like having sex, some times I don't. Sometimes he does, sometimes he does, more than ever. : ) We communicate fabulously about the kids (3 teens) the house, finances, plans. We get along quite well in all areas of our married life; it's very comfortable and secure. But it's not perfect...it's a lot of give and take and putting up with things and letting some things just go. Experience has taught me that I'm never really at my breaking point, I just think I am then things turn around.

I have no words of wisdom for you other than: This too shall pass. Married life is great and it sucks. So many things change, and yet there you are, waking up with the same person day in day out. You eat 3 meals a day, right? Say you love steak and salad, but do you want it EVERY SINGLE MEAL? I think not. But you have to find another way to consider it, because that's what you got. That's kinda how I look at marriage sometimes. I am truly grateful to have a life partner who can be there for me, and i for him. We've been through a lot over the years. I'm not going to give that up for sex with someone else. We have an extensive history together. He knows me. And yet, he still loves me.

Your wife will come around. There are tons of womens' magazines and books filled with discussions on the issue of loss of libido and disinterest in sex. Maybe if you read a few, you'd realize it's not YOU, its HER. Another storm to weather.

All the best to you!

Ooops. Just saw what you wrote about perimenopause. I double up agree with everything said in your post. Marriage is an absolute give and take. After 15 years, I've learned that talking is the best form of intimacy. And to try and be a good listener. And if all else fails and we're fighting, I just walk into the room naked and we forget about whatever was pissing us off.

To the OP, so sorry you are going through this, especially because it pains you so....

 

[curiouslylookin37]

Thankyou All

My wife and I have discussed this at length more times than I can count. She always ends up angry with me afterwords. So to keep the piece I've let it go and not talked to her about it in several months. She sees a phsyciatrist every 3 to 6 months for sleep issues and anxiety disorders already.
I told her the next time I would be glad to go with her and discuss this with the doctor. She didn't take that well but didn't say she wouldn't have it either.
We did discuss the full swap after it happened. She brought it up over coffee the next morning and told me that I should never expect that too happen again because it would never happen again. I let it go with that and have not brought it up since and that was 8 or 9 years ago. The thing is though she initiated the swap, I went along with it because I wanted her to be happy, they were very very close friends at the time and were already in the swinging lifestyle. They have divorced since then and we have lost contact with them.
As far as little things go, I hold no grudges against her for anything.
I'm always thinking of how to get her in the mood. I do give her backrubs, foot massages,etc. She does dress well, wears makeup,keeps her hair done. So I don't feel it's a selfesteem problem. I tell her she's pretty, I compliment her very often. If I say something with sexual conotations then I'm accused of makeing snide remarks. So I stopped that, and here I am at what seems like a deadend road.
Well thanks again to alll of you.
Sincerely,
Mike

 

[bgr]

13 years married here..love life has been a roller coaster..its good right now!!! there was a time though several years back we sat down for a seious talk.... Sweet heart you know I love but, I am not getting the things i need to feel alive and young. I know there will come a time when my equipment probably will quit working and i feel we are not taking advantage of it.
She listend sympatheticly until I said....right now we are only having sex once a month..and i am figuring that my life expectancy will probably be around 75. her nodding her head.. so thats appx 360 times we will have sex until i die at the rate we are going..she had apuzzled look on her face...then i said..what do you say we get it over with this year then we can go fuck whoever we want.

 

[justherhusband]

You mentioned that she sees a psychiatrist for sleep and anxiety disorders. Forgive me if I missed it in an earlier post, but is she on any meds for these issues? Most drugs that treat these issues have pretty high rates of "loss of libido" as a side effect. You might want to look into this as a cause.

But in any case, good luck to you. I feel for you.

 

[bailadora]

You mentioned that she sees a psychiatrist for sleep and anxiety disorders. Forgive me if I missed it in an earlier post, but is she on any meds for these issues? Most drugs that treat these issues have pretty high rates of "loss of libido" as a side effect. You might want to look into this as a cause.

Agreed. Each of those issues taken by itself would be enough to affect a person's libido. Add in possible side affects from meds and it's no wonder she is struggling with loss of desire. You don't mention how long she's been dealing with these issues, but it's also possible she is quite aware of how negatively they have impacted your marriage and harbors some guilt and anxiety over that as well. I know I did when I was going through my depression. I loved my children and I loved my husband, but dealing with my own personal problems often took every bit of energy I had, with little left over for anyone else. To make matters worse, my husband didn't know how to deal with the whole situation and just forged on as if nothing was the matter, when in truth, he was missing the hell out of the life we had prior to me becoming depressed.

One other thing that jumped out at me is that you said you are always trying to think of ways to get her in the mood (IE back rubs, foot rubs, etc). It's quite likely she's clued into that and immediately goes on the defensive when you make even the most innocent of gestures. You know your relationship best, but having sort of been in the same situation with my husband, I'm wondering if the bigger problem is not so much a mismatch in sexual appetite as it is a loss or reduction of intimacy. I know it was in our case and once concentrated on rebuilding that, our sex life improved ALOT! I won't say there aren't still times when one of us is in the mood and the other isn't, but we are much more closely matched in our desire than we were several years ago.

I think speaking with her psych is an excellent idea, but more in order to gain an idea of how to emotionally support her as she deals with her disorders and possible med side affects (if any). He or she could also offer good coping strategies for you in dealing with the stresses her condition has put on your relationship. If your insurance will pay for and if you can swing it, seeking a separate counselor for the intimacy/sexual issues may be a better way to go if your wife feels the need to "protect" her space with her current counselor. If you do decide to do couples counseling, keep in mind it may take a bit to find someone you both can relate to. Our journey back from the brink was very, very hard and sometimes painful work, but sooo worth it in the long run. It is my hope and prayer that you and your wife make a similar recovery. Best of luck to you both.

 

[Angelcakekatie]

You say you talked about the swap the next morning in as much as she said it was never going to happen again, off the top of my head I would say that was the problem. Did she talk about how she talk about how she felt about it? Her feelings with regards to guilt or "dirtiness". You say she initiated it ~ was it completely her idea or had you brokered ideas about some "adventure". Please don't think I'm having a pop but I'm sort of talking from personal experience here.
I did some swapping with my then partner, and we met a very nice couple who stayed with us for the weekend and the next day said that they wouldn't be doing it again as seeing their partner with another person was not how they'd imagined it.
They had been nervous the previous night and we'd said look it's fine you do not have to do anything, just stay and have a good weekend. That sort of put them at their ease.
It wasn't their first attempt, that had been a disaster, they were trying again so with no pressure at all we let them lead the way as to what they wanted.
They thanked us for a wonderful experience but couldn't handle the sight of their partner with another person.
Maybe this is what your wife is trying to say, I did it but I still feel bad, and this is the only way I can cope!
Believe me perimenopause is no picnic (having suffered with it myself since I was 38) but nothing compared to menopause which I'm just entering (Thankyou god for your little joke!).
Maybe your wife feels under pressure to be this sexual entity when actually deep inside she's in a black hole!
my libido disappeared completely for almost a year ~ sex was a complete and utter chore ~ sometimes I gave in but because I didn't actually want to I resented the fact that I was going against how I felt to make him feel good!
Don't worry my libido came back lol, but it took a lot of mental chugging to get there (plus I ditched the b/f!) Don't worry he's happily married now with a baby!
Try talking to your wife but not about sex ~ the last thing a woman with low/no libido wants is sex talk. Talk about how she feels how she felt about the swap. Even though you cook 5 or more nights a week don't make yourself a martyr cos that could just push her into and I gave you 3 children and fed them, changed nappies etc, it's payback mode!
I know therapists suggest bathing and massaging your partner to relax them and taking it no further, and do this again and again until they can feel totally relaxed with you touching them without wanting sex.
My ex used to hug me and if I hugged him back he immediately assumed he was getting sex so I started to shrug away, making me feel guilty and him angry/hurt! And believe me I'm a very touchy feely person.
It sounds like she's got a lot going on inside her head and maybe you could help her fix her head first before fixing the sex!
Again I intend no offense so apologise beforehand.
It's not going to be a quick solution but one which hopefully you will solve eventually

 

[subgirl2]

As far as little things go, I hold no grudges against her for anything.
I'm always thinking of how to get her in the mood. I do give her backrubs, foot massages,etc. She does dress well, wears makeup,keeps her hair done. So I don't feel it's a selfesteem problem. I tell her she's pretty, I compliment her very often. If I say something with sexual conotations then I'm accused of makeing snide remarks. So I stopped that, and here I am at what seems like a deadend road.
Well thanks again to alll of you.
Sincerely,
Mike

Mike, I am sorry that you are going through this. What jumped out at me is that you are always trying to find ways to get her in the mood. Do you ever just hug or kiss her without hoping that something will happen in return?

I would like to feel intimate with someone and feel like I am wanted and loved by them, just for me, not for what he could get in return. When I feel really close to someone, then my libido improves.

It sounds like you are doing your best though and there has been some good advice here regarding meds etc. It could be a combination of everything. Stick with it Mike, it may pass.

 

[NomadLady]

Why don't...

men who are going through this problem suggest a testosterone blood test for their wives??? Most men know that their own sex drive is tied to testosterone in their system.....well so is it for women.

When I was married, I was on the birth control shots and LOVED them for their convienance, no periods, no daily pill, etc. But after a couple of years and a waning sex drive, I asked my doc why? and he suggested a blood test. Now granted I asked my "family doc"...not the ob/gyn. We had a family doc at the time that was a competitive body builder and was very into more natural methods of healing. He was also "hot as fire" and easy to talk to about such things. Anyway...blood work came back and my levels were a NEGATIVE number!!! Doc said he had NEVER seen such...so a shot of testosterone and within a few days I wanted to fuck the entire neighborhood!!! Stopped the birth control shots and eventually my blood work got back in the normal range.

The next scheduled annual ob/gyn visit I told that doc about my discovery and he said yes...that is a long term side effect. Jeez....probably some MALE scientist comes up with this wonderful method of birth control with a friggin side effect so BAD.....

Anyway....make appointments and go to the ob/gyn AND the shrink WITH HER!!!! If she balks, then how can she care as much about your marriage as you do??????????

 

[_Virginia_]

She sees a phsyciatrist every 3 to 6 months for sleep issues and anxiety disorders already.
I told her the next time I would be glad to go with her and discuss this with the doctor. She didn't take that well but didn't say she wouldn't have it either.

GREAT for you for offering to go! However, if I were in her position, I might not be that thrilled with you coming along to my next appointment....

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for most of my adult life (depression and insomnia) - I've been seeing my current psychiatrist for 10 years. After all this time he knows me quite well. I put a great deal of value in his opinion and he has helped me immensely during some very rough periods of my life. That being said, I do NOT want to share him with anyone else! It would feel very strange to me to bring someone to an appointment with him and I really think it would change the dynamics between him and me. I'm pleased with the therapeutic relationship we've established and I would not want to jeopardize it by bringing in a third person.

This line of reasoning may or may not be rational - but it's how I feel. Maybe your wife feels similarly. Maybe she feels that speaking to HER doctor about your issues as a couple makes the issues her fault. Couples therapy is, I think, a great idea but it might be best to start with a therapist who has never seen either of you before.

I hope it works out for you both - good luck.

 

[mrtomthumb]

women.....

I hear this allot when I get together with friends..they say if they did not make attempts that they would never have sex. I think one thing that women can be very selfish about is sex.....

now wait before the rocks start flying
.
You could take so many things that couples discuss in great length with women being involved and willing......money..kids..work,,and change the topic
to sex. it all of a sudden is not as important. I am unsure as to why I must confess.

On the original post ..it sounds like you try pretty hard to make things easier for her so she will be in the mood. I think it is worth trying to act less interested,,I hate to give advice to pretend but in my case it has always worked.....All of a sudden she is like "what is wrong with me that he is not interested in sex". Try to hold out a little to and not fall for her first sign of interest. This works for many reasons.

One of the nice byproducts that I have found is after awhile you DO become less interested and you spend your time doing other things except trying to get sex

If this is not effective their is some sort of problem..because she has been given an opportunity to see how she feels about it without being pestered,,,if she feels nothing then there must be more to it.

This my personal experience and could be totally different for anybody else for a variety of reasons. that was a good disclaimer I think.

 

[infid3l]

Short version:

Have a doc test for hormone / thyroid imbalance... it can affect more than just sex drive. It's a health issue. If there is a thyroid imbalance found, if she takes T4 for a while and still has no drive, try adding T3.

Full story:

My mate and I have been together for over 20 years. It's not always been roses.

During this time I went from being a total nympho fuckbeast eventually to being so not into sex that even seeing a commercial on TV where a couple kissed made me feel like a little kid going "eeewww... why do they have to do that on TV, bleh"... and then all the way back again.

While my libido was caput, I had horrible horrible guilt. I loved my man, I just didn't feel "it" and I HATED myself for it. I felt like I would be just fine if everyone in the entire world didn't want sex, and no one desired me or had lust ever again. It just didn't exist to me anymore.

I could tell when he snuggled just cause he was horny, and that put up my defenses because I would be mad at me for not wanting it, and mad at him for reminding me that I didn't want it and that I hated myself for no longer feeling like a whole person. I felt so embarassed about it, even, that he might tell someone and then others would know I was "less than".

I told him how it made me feel, and he started being more affectionate without the horniness behind it. And he reassured me that even though it hurt him, made him feel unloved, he knew there was more to us than sex and he loved me even if I didn't want it; he wouldn't leave me... he said I was still worth it :tears, sorry, it just gets me: and he would snuggle and hug without making it all about the sex. The fact he let me see him wounded helped me heal. I needed to trust that he wasn't going to use it to hurt me back for hurting him.

When he asked if I'd try having sex anyway, it just felt like a lie and awful... I'd say no; he deserved better, I wanted him to know that when I gave myself, it was real. I just didn't want it and wouldn't fake it. Every once in a huge while I'd feel like it and we'd make love, but then it was tinged with "OK, now how long will it be until next time...", and it was so far between I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd have found someone else. It was like that for some years.

I was always online, doing research, trying to figure out WTF. I wanted to know if there was something wrong with me, or something wrong with us, communication, all that kind of thing. We did iron out some rough spots and open up the communication more, but my libido still was pretty much toast.

I finally came across info about hypothyroidism (Hashimoto's). I already knew I had that and had been treated for it for years, but I still had some symptoms even though the levels from the lab were fine. I wondered if that was related.

I found on this site: http://www.thyroid-info.com/ info about how low sex drive can be caused by hormone imbalance, and how adding T3 to the usual T4 can help to treat hypothyroidism. I had to find a doctor willing to prescribe it for me to try... I had a doc tell me that they wouldn't use it because they couldn't prove it worked; it only changed symptoms according to the patients. (WHAT??? So stupid. Isn't getting rid of the symptoms the point???) Anyways, after I was on it for some months, I started feeling better, losing the symptoms, and getting my sex drive back. It took a while to get over the guilt and anger at having lost such a vital part of myself for so long. GRRR. Still pisses me off remembering it, so I'm obviously still mad. At least I'm back now.

 

[infid3l]

Oh, and P.S. I know that this (hypothyroidism), isn't the cause in every case... It just happened to be the big monster for us, hence the wall of text above. Just in case. It was such a hard time for us to figure out what was up (and such a relief now) I had to share.

I hope whatever the cause, you both find your way to happiness and feeling whole / being able to fully enjoy eachother. Good luck!

- Kristina