I need your advice...

[Blackbich]

Yes, you had discussed this fantasy with her.
Yes, you expected it to remain a fantasy.
No, you didn't not say, "I know I'm not there, baby, so go on and fulfill that fantasy for me."

For her to use the fact that you're not there as a reason to do this, IMHO is really crappy. If she really wanted to do this 'for you', she would have said something. Even if she wanted it to be a surprise, she could have sounded you out to see how you'd feel about it. Women can be very subtle when gathering information when we want to be. For her to just do it is pure selfishness on her part.

You need to sort out how you still feel about your g/f. If you think you'll be able to build the trust back up (which is going to be a BIG issue) and decide you want to be with her, then you HAVE to talk about it. When you do talk, you can't hold anything back. She needs to know you felt betrayed by what she did and that you wanted that fantasy to remain just that - a fantasy. If you don't get it all out, it will just fester and your relationship is doomed. Only you can decide if your relationship is worth saving. If I were you, I'd find out what the deal is with her and the guys on this tape also. You are worthy of having a woman in your life that won't cheat on you (I'm sorry, in my mind, that's what it was).

Good Luck.

Keep us informed, okay?

 

[Eagle70]

i think i'm going to try and talk things out with her...like you said Whim, i'll try to keep things simple..let her know exactly how i feel...i dont want to hurt her at all with this...i just want to find out whats going on...but i'm taking everyones advice into account..without a doubt...i'm going to find out about these guys...but i also dont want her to feel bad...if her intentions were to truly just fulfill it for me...

 

[His Whimsicality]

Do what you think is right, but no success guarantee attached, ok? Just don´t start with the the bad part, save that for last.

 

[Dea Artia]

Thanks Whim

and dont get me wrong here, im not trying to step on your toes.. but, what you're telling Eagle is like telling him how to program his VCR. Feelings are real, and it sounds to me like hes going to be putting on an act when he talkes with his girlfriend. Sure, be careful with what you have to say, but make sure you say it, make sure she knows how you feel. its your -life-, your -love- and your -emotions- dont play around with them

Eagle, do you really want to know who the other guys were? Truth hurts, but what you dont know cant hurt you. i'm sorry if i go off on a tangem (sp?), but if people would stop telling me stuff that hurts me, i think id be a much happier person! being in the dark is no fun, but id rather be the one to turn on the lights.

[Edited by Dea Artia on 04-14-2001 at 01:52 PM]

 

[Eagle70]

Believe me, i wont be playing around...like i said, i;ve taken everyones advice into account...and i think that not totally blowing up is going to be the right way to handle things...if we could just talk it out...i hope all will be ok...i just want her to know how i feel about it...my emotions and how it did hurt me in a way...but i also dont want her to think that she is the most horrible person i nthe world...i still love her..and i think if we just talk it over, it should be ok....

 

[His Whimsicality]

Well, no, I´m not telling him what to say, but the order in which to say it: good part, neutral part, bad part. Can´t hurt if he´s easy in the beginning.

 

[Dea Artia]

Whim, this is gonna be my last post for now, but I just wanted to ask you one more thing before i go...

since when, does confronting a love one about something as important as this, not hurt?

its hurting now, and no matter what order he tells her stuff, its all going to be mixed up anyway when he finishes the conversation and the only things they will remember will be the bad parts.

and i hope, they both come out of this with open minds and full hearts, cause thats the best way.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Never said it does not hurt. But being somewhat of an amateur (in the sense of 'expert') in the field of being hurt, I know from personal experience that it always, no matter what the situation, pays off to maintain your composure.

So even if Eagle70 is more hurt than pleased as you claim, starting off at the good and the neutral parts serves as a kind of interlude where you can stretch your feelers and whatnot, and prepare for the main part, the conversation also does not start on a sour mood in that way.

 

[Eagle70]

Hey all...

I've been on the phone with my girlfriend for the better part of the past hour...and we've talked things oout...for now atleast..there is alot of trust that needs to be built up...but i see that all she wanted to do was surprise me, because she thought it would make me happy....thanks to everyone...you've all done more than i could ever ask for...i owe each of you that cared enough to post a debt of gratitude...thank you all so much...with your help, i think i saved my relationship...thank you all...

 

[Xander]

There is defiantely the trust issue here.
You've obviously talked to her about it, and that's all good and fine.

Personally however, I would have been shattered. Even if it is an attempt to make you happy.

Then again, that just my personal preference.

I dont like to share.

 

[Eagle70]

Thanks to everyone for their help...we've talked things over...and i believe that she generally did it for me...i love her with all my heart..and sure, the trust has been shaken a bit...but hopefully we can build it back up...thank you all very much...