I need some perspective...please?

[Candy Apple]

Hi I have been here before but I just want to come back and have a clean start. It isn’t because I was an ass…although I may have been…smiles. I just feel like a fresh start.

Ok my need:

I am not even sure how I feel right now, but in general I am hurting I guess.

A little information: I have been with this same man for just over a year now. We happened to meet on Tax Day. Well from meeting falling in love and eventually moving in together. We are in most ways happy and life is good. I am struggling with something that I know really isn’t that important, but is still causing me hurt.

Our one year Anniversary was just the other day…and he didn’t remember. He and I have talked about it for so long and in many conversations. Still when I finally told him that yesterday was our first year Anniversary…he came back to me with no it is the 17th. I reminded him that it was tax day and that is always the 15th. He agreed.

He felt bad I think, but right away went for the well then can I take you out tomorrow night? I said no…it wasn’t about going out but being noticed that I matter in a way other that sexually…like he felt and showed me before, more so than lately. I do know he loves me. I am sad that he not only forgot, but he didn’t have anything prepared or in mind to do for the day. Not a picked flower from the yard…not a card or letter telling me how he feels now…what the year has meant.

I didn’t do anything either I should say. I chose not to as so far I am the one that has made all the romance and big efforts to make things special. I needed to leave this open and not only see if he would step up to the task, but to allow him the chance to try. Nothing is perfect and I honestly wasn’t hoping for that. Still I did need in my deepest places something.

I wasn’t and am not now angry with him. I was disappointed but honestly less than I am now. We went to bed cuddling and that is another reason that him doing nothing even up till now is more painful. I am thinking that now that the day passed and I said that no he couldn’t take me out the next day he is just going back to life as usual, because he wants to believe that he doesn’t know what he should do now. That too is painful as knowing him there were so many things he could have done to make it not be a problem at all.

Please give me your input on this, I just need some thoughts besides my own to think about.

P.S. The man I am speaking of is a Literotica BB regular. I have asked him if this is okay and he said without question yes. That the suggestions and thoughts given here are most often very quality and honestly helpful. So please let me/us hear from you all.

Thank you, in advance…

 

[Todd]

I didn't tell you that you could air all our dirty laundry.












Just teasing, Rewelcome aborad, have fun and relax a bit.

 

[Sparky Kronkite]

Tax Day!!!!?????!!!!

The day you met? Am I clear on that? The day you met?

Please - unless you gave him any warning on this - reminding him that you thought "the day you met - TAX Day!" was some sort of a big deal to you........

He of course would not have a clue.

Anniversaries are for dates of high import - engagement, marriage etc.. Not the day we met - which happened to be tax day.

 

[Pyper]

I've always considered myself something of a man in a woman's body, well a gay man that is, so you're probably going to get some male advice from me on this.

If I were in a long term relationship, you bet I would be forgetting anniversaries left and right. It's not that the relationship would not be important to me, it's just that having to mark it with dates seems a little silly. I just can't see the point in it. If you love somebody enough to stay with them for that long, then trying to remember something that only comes around once a year shouldn't really matter. Heck, I often forget about my own birthday!

So I say, let it go. It's not that he doesn't care about you, it's just that anniversaries and such aren't a "guy" thing. Hope that helps a little, and you other BB members, try not to flame me for making generalizations.

 

[ranajja]

Kinda hate to admit it, but I've got to agree with Sparky on this one.

I mean, if he forgot your birthday, or wedding anniversary, or Mother's Day (if you are one), or Christmas, etc.--well, then, yeah, you've got the right to be hurt.

But the day you met? I remember when I met my sweetie, but I haven't a clue as to what day it was.

 

[alexander tzara]

I think most guys are pretty forgetful about things like that: I've forgotten birthdays, valentines and even my own date of birth on one embarrassing occasion (but that's a different story). Maybe this seems so important to you because you feel you're not getting enough attention and romancing in general. If that's the case, you have to let him know in simple, straight-forward language. Hints and the Silent Trick (HIM: "What's wrong?". HER: "Nothing", but thinking: You should KNOW what's wrong!) just won't work. We're mostly pretty dense about stuff like that.

Maybe being romantic is something your man doesn't find easy - we're not really taught to show emotion when we're growing up. Being romantic doesn't come totally naturally to me. It's something I've learned over the years through seeing how important it is to a relationship.

Hope this male perspective helps you.

 

[cymbidia]

Everything in a relationship is about communication.

If you allow a small expectation, hurt, or disagreement to fester and multiply, then it'll go from a small and manageable hurtful matter to a monster that neither of you can talk about with anything approaching rationality.

In the end, YOU are responsible for insuring that your needs get met. If there's a real need you have (e.g., more intimacy, his remembering the date you met), and you're blue because you don't feel that need is being met, then it's *not* a trivial matter. However, he's also *not* a mind reader and, really, one year isn't very long. He may not have much of a clue how much his remembering this date ***really*** meant to you, no matter how many times you talked about it.

Via conversation over time, via simply spending hours and weeks and years together, it's your responsibility (to him, for yourself and your relationship) to insure that you keep learning about his needs. He has a similar responsibility to you.

This date thing might hurt, it might sting, and it maybe made you cry, too, but you can use it as an opportunity to further the intimacy between you two. All such hurting places in your relationship can become positives if you both want to work them in that direction.

EVERY relationship has up times and down times. That's simply the nature of the beast. You gotta learn to ride out the bad stuff, trusting that the good times will get you through it until clarity returns and you both remember that you love each other... and why.

 

[Candy Apple]

Thank you all for saying exactly what I didn't really want to hear..smiles. It does help. I didn't make everything really clear but basically it has ended up being about him forgetting the Tax Day date... and it isn't what hurts. It is that since he and I moved in together... he hasn't made me feel the things he did before.

We can't get married...reasons not needed...so this is like our wedding anniversary in a way to us both.

He knew what it would mean to me. We aren't mad at each other ..just both sort of confused.

I have told him straight out in more than I can count the number of ways that I feel little more than a pussy anymore. I know he loves me. I need more and I have done all I can to make that clear. I honestly do want all you have to say...and thank you for it so far...please keep it coming. Someone just for grins add what a butthead he was for not making me feel special lately...smiles. Just lie if you have to...at least once...giggles!

Hugs to all that have put in something so far.

 

[Ezzy]

He's just a butt head...

Same as most men, I should know I am one.





EZ

 

[Candy Apple]

Todd I just reread what you said! LMAO I am sorry honey I didn't mean to go behind your back!

Ok Ezzy... I am assuming that is the lie I was asking about! Thank's anyway!

 

[Ezzy]

No Candy it is not a lie...

I am a man...





















And therefore by default I am a butt head too.




EZ

 

[Always]

naaah you see if that was something that was so important to you and he's been with you for a year, he should KNOW if stuff like that is big with you and be prepared. it's just common sense, whether he's a forgetful guy or not.

if it really bothers you, maybe you could try going to him and telling him that it's still bothering you, and tell him that you'd like to do something with him to celebrate, even if it is late. ask him for ideas and suggestions as to what you can do.

and as you know each other better the blazing bonfire kinda settles down into a small fire. you gotta keep it going, new ideas, new places, new... uhhh... maybe even new kinks. it's like tossing oil on the fire.

*smiles sadly* i hope this' helped you a little. i'm probably in way over my head but i try to help.

 

[CreamyLady]

I gather that you don't feel valued as a human being, that all he wants from you is sex.

Conversely, romantic trappings aside, it looks like what you really want from him is validation that you ARE more than a human sex toy.

The others gave you some sound, albeit unwelcome, advice, and I'm going to give you some more: don't place the responsibility for your own validation and happiness on the shoulders of your partner. It's a crippling burden, and very few people can carry it without collapsing.

Find it inside yourself.

 

[Skibum]

Here's a bit from his side.

Yousaud you met on tax day, and that is always the 15th. Not true. In New England, tax day is either the 16th or 17th. This is becuse the IRS Service Center or New England is in Andover, Mass. And Mass. has a state holliday (Patriot's Day) on April 15. There for tax day is postponed until the 16th. But If Patriots day is on a weekend, it is celebrated on Monday, so tax day becomes the Tuesday after, this year on April 17. So Maybe HE was right!

 

[LadyDarcy]

I am so impressed with the responses in this thread - especially those from cymbidia and CreamyLady.

Personally, I believe an emotion (hurt, in this case) is never wrong - perhaps inappropriate. In the instance you have briefly, you created an expectation that wasn't met. I don't know as the rememberance of the exact day was what was important to you - more that you were hoping for validation that you remain special enough to have your expectation met.

Only you can determine if this is a 'need' for you or if the oversight was the symptom of something deeper.

Good luck!

 

[Coggie]

Isn't this so very common and typical?

I don't think I've ever been in a long term relationship where this hasn't occurred, frequently. I'm pretty career minded and so I could forget my partners name some weeks!

If you accept I'm talking about a relationship where both parties are really invested (I've assumed Candy's is such) I feel the need to tell you how this feels from my perspective, in theory from any average guys perspective. Trust me on this one I'm being sincere, we guys have an issue here.

If I were Candy's partner, I would be so frustrated, there's really no way out. I totally accept Cymbidia comments and most others too but there a mental block here. I, maybe because I'm male, maybe because I'm as busy as hell, am just not programmed to remember these dates. Even when I do, the concept of date recognition just doesn't really mean anything to me. I know it's a special date, I know I should send a card or flowers etc...... but I'm dysfunctional about it.

I'm truly sorry, I wish it were as simple as writing a list of notable dates, I just forget to look at the list....... and I hate myself for that every time my partners face is saddened by my ineptitude. I wish I could rely on a signal from Mrs Coggie, Lord knows she tries to communicate but I'm so blinded to this I miss this too making things a thousand times worse.

And here's the rub, I care. No, I really care, it kills me when I see Mrs Coggie breaking her heart. And not really because I've forgotten, I've lived with that for years, but because I actually care enough not to. All the feelings the cards and flowers express I feel, in spades, with brass knobs on (hmmm...... interesting English expression there).

What can I say, I do know it's just not enough to keep telling you we didn't mean to forget and we're sorry but the fact is we're programmed differently. Boys and Girls, we really need to work together on this one.

Candy, cut him some slack, if the relationship's good, it's good, find a positive reinforcement method to persuade Mr Apple he wants to remember. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, chances are, like me, he's date dysfunctional. If he does then remember show him he's a good boy by giving him a treat he doesn't get everyday.... you'll get your needs fulfilled that way. You are the one with the tools to fix this one, guys are stupid - we need help.

I think I've just stated the obvious here really but that bloody Cymbidia doesn't leave much room for anyone else to add anything, is she a counsellor or what? Jeez, I wish I'd posted before her - wtg Cym, you're way cool My Dear.

 

[CoolCucumber]

I don't know what perspective you want me to give. But being one who seems to forget birthdays, I know I feel terrible when I do that, and have to rush the day before trying to get something together. However, and being a guy, this may be different, I know if I had a Sig. Other, and they forgot our anniversary, I'd be down right hurt. And kinda sad and angry too. I mean, sure, maybe if you NEVER talked about when it was, and I do mean NEVER, then, you may be off the hook. But if it was talked about, or if one person was seeing it as a big deal, then it's not cool. Not cool at all...
-CoolCucumber

 

[cymbidia]

a counselor?

that bloody Cymbidia <snip> is she a counsellor or what?

One of the things i do is teach sex ed...DAMN...make that "Family Life"...to mixed-gender groups of 13 and 14 year olds. Does that qualify as counseling?

"No, Glenn, i cannot tell you where to get condoms. School district policies discourage me from mentioning condoms in any context except as something you should abstain from needing. I particularly can't tell you that you can go to any Planned Parenthood, like the one on First Street right here in our town, and in a big bowl on the counter by the front door, you can just grab a few condoms and no one will even speak to you if you don't want the conversation."

"I'm so sorry, Jenn, that you have a weird scary discharge even when you're not on your period. Unfortunately, i need to tell you to go home and tell your parents about it. State law restricts me from providing you with any info about places to go to be treated for STD's anonymously and for free, places like Planned Parenthood, one of which we have a couple blocks away from the school, as a matter of fact, if you walk west on First Street."

"Gene, i really feel bad that you're all freaked out about your sexuality because you feel attracted to other boys. It's a thing i have to tell you to discuss at home, i'm sorry. I'm really not supposed to tell you that in almost every phone book in America, in the yellow pages, under "Gay and Lesbian Organizations", there are places you can call and people you can talk to who might be able to help you sort out these confusing and scary feelings without having to involve your parents in the discussions."

Fucking laws. Fucking bureaucrats. Fucking narrow-minded, self-serving adults who think teaching about abstinence, and only abstinence, will keep kids from sexual experimentation, unwanted pregnancy, and/or STD's.

~rant, rant, rant, major pet peeve, rant, just ignore me, i've done this before and i'll do it again i'm sure, rant, rant~

Bet you're sorry you mentioned the whole "counsellor" thing, hmmm, Coggie? (And i've been watching your posts, too. Entertaining without being preachy. Intelligent and filled to thier creamy centers with correct, reasonable, warmly helpful info. Impressive.)

 

[CoolCucumber]

I think it's a shame that those things can't be discussed...I mean, when something happens, it'll be the parents who feel like their child was wronged somewhere...not that they should have been there to support their children and talk about it themselves.
-CoolCucumber

 

[Coggie]

Re: a counselor?

Bet you're sorry you mentioned the whole "counsellor" thing, hmmm, Coggie? (And i've been watching your posts, too. Entertaining without being preachy. Intelligent and filled to thier creamy centers with correct, reasonable, warmly helpful info. Impressive.)

Firstly, thank you very much for your comments, we seem to have a mutual appreciation society going on )

I'm not at all sorry I mentioned it, it's good to understand a little of the background to some of your posts.

Now, does it count as Counsellor? Well no, probably not, but that's because of "Fucking laws. Fucking bureaucrats. Fucking narrow-minded, self-serving adults who think teaching about abstinence, and only abstinence, will keep kids from sexual experimentation, unwanted pregnancy, and/or STD's."

Frankly, I'd rather my child was in your hands than all of the aforementioned types, obviously. I'm sure it's as frustrating as hell for you but society relies on you and people like you to keep it's balance.

I'm also sure it's of little consolation to you but here in the UK (I gather you're in the US?) our sex education sucks, big time. I'm sure it's worse than the US, it's been a while since I was in school here, possibly 20 years but at that time it was actually non-existent for goodness sake. Is it any wonder young people get in such a mess over sexually related issues?

Fortunately for me I managed to pick up methods and ideas that served me well and kept me out of trouble, as being from an era when "that sort of thing" wasn't discussed, my parents taught me nothing. It just isn't the traditional British way to be open and adult about these things so it's basically down to luck that although I'm possibly not a sexual astronaut, I get by very happily enough.

I don't think our education system is massively better today, I have a young daughter who at eight has had absolutely no sex education, or any advice on drugs come to think of it, I despair.

Coming back to your position, you must go through traumas virtually daily and the examples you've given must present you with dilemma after dilemma. I sympathise, really I do, but you must take great pride in the work you do and the help and support you give. I've nothing but respect for you, I sincerely hope you get the thanks you deserve but I'll bet the job has it's rewards.

Considering your work I imagine you have a family and therefore I've no idea where you get enough time for all your posts. Were I to make them the composition would be much worse and the quantity diminish. I for one am thoroughly enthralled by your input on both the serious and leisure threads, you have a groupie.

 

[Unclebill]

Here's a bit from his side.

Yousaud you met on tax day, and that is always the 15th. Not true. In New England, tax day is either the 16th or 17th. This is becuse the IRS Service Center or New England is in Andover, Mass. And Mass. has a state holliday (Patriot's Day) on April 15. There for tax day is postponed until the 16th. But If Patriots day is on a weekend, it is celebrated on Monday, so tax day becomes the Tuesday after, this year on April 17. So Maybe HE was right!

In fact, this year Tax Day was April 16. In 2000, it was April 17, the Monday following Saturday, April 15.

So from what you've presented, CA, HE was right about April 17 if you referred to the actual Tax Day as opposed to the default Tax Day, April 15.

 

[DarlingBri]

I confess...

to being a cym groupie as well.

If there were more people who could dole out caring, comassionate advice with content to boot, the world would be a better place.

Candy Apply, I've long since accepted that Mr. Bri's heart is in the right place, but his head just isn't in his date book.

If it's really important to you, go somewhere like FTD.com and sign *him* up for the reminder service. They'll email him when your important dates are approaching.

Try giving him a list of 20 things you'd like to recieve as gifts, from flowers to candy to knickers to books to... just things it would please you recieve.

Assume he wants to make you happy. Give him some help.

Practical advise aside, it does sound like your discontent runs deeper than some missing flowers. You might want to address the state of your relationship with him, together as a couple.

Good luck.