I need some help on how to......

[Elron]

Well before I get to the how to, there is a rather lengthy and engaging story that needs to be told. If you would indulge me a moment of your time I will tell you about it in as brief a manner as I am capable of.

I am married and somewhat happily my only real complaint is in the bedroom. My wife has no desire to improve our sex life and really does not feel that there is anything wrong. I have tried to introduce several new things over the past four years and nothing has ever worked. I was a little overwieght but I have also taken care of that problem and still it does not seem to have had any effect. The worst part is I love her and I will until the end of time.

But somehow during the course of the last year I have ended up with a lover, whom I care about very much. That sounds bad like I just woke up one morning and said "hey ima gonna get me a lover today" honestly it wasn't like that at all. There is a whole story to it, which I have written about if any of you are interested, but that is still not the issue, sorry I got sidetracked it happens. In fact I am in love with her and would pretty much go to the end of the earth for her and I did just that recently as some of you may have already read. So now I have come to a realization that I do in fact love both these women, and they both love me and in the eyes of many what I am doing is extremely wrong. Well actually even in my eyes it doesn't seem right all the time. But that is still not the how to, I mean I have choosen my path and now must walk it, that part I can handle.

I guess the real how to, is how do you love them both, I mean is it possible, well obviously it is possible I am doing it, but is it fair to my lover. I know it is not fair to my wife so don't worry about that one. She is an incredible woman(lover) that really and truly deserves a man that can give her everything, and I am pretty sure that I am not that man. So how do I continue? There maybe that is the real how to, or maybe I just needed to tell some anonymous strangers about this to help myself understand it. Who knows really, but anyway thank you for taking the time to read this.

Later

 

[Guest]

 

[Elron]

You know what emerald_eyed you are absolutely right.

I do know the answers and I know what needs to be done.

Knowing and doing are two entirely different things though, I climbed in I am sure I can climb out

Thanks

 

[voxovixen]

[No message]

 

[Elron]

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[Elron]

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[Elron]

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[Elron]

Your needs are being fulfilled

Well to be totally honest with you only once have my needs been fulfilled.

but still you are correct in what you say

 

[Your Lady X]

Is this where you want to take it?

http://www.polyamorysociety.org/page6.html

You have made a vow to your wife. Would she want it?

 

[Elron]

Sorry for the multiple posts, browser locked up.

Lady X, the answer is no, she would not.

And to clarify something everyone involved is married.

Also there are no children involved.

Not that any of that makes a difference. Just thought I would throw it out there too.

 

[tendril]

You have to explain yourself at some point to your wife, why not do it now?

 

[Bobmi357]

You have a wife who expects you to remain faithful to her. And you have a lover that is also married to yet another person. How many lives could be impacted by your infedility?

You could shoot yourself, but thats too messy and always stains the carpets.

I think you're missing a fundamental point here. Somehow you've failed. You've certainly failed to keep your marriage vows. And you've failed in your relationship with your wife. Sometimes it is easier to succumb to temptation than it is to talk to the person we love the most about a situation brewing at home.

My suggestion would be to break it off with your lover. Totally, completely and never see her again. Next I'm going to suggest that you find yourself a counselor to talk to. You obviously have trouble communicating with your wife, you need to understand that before you can attempt to make things better at home.

Its not too late to salvage the situation, as well as your self respect. But you are going to have to make some hard decisions. Your current situation is unfair to you, your wife, your lover, and her husband.

 

[tendril]

This subject gets dealt with on this forum with monotonous regularity.

Each time the poster receives a wealth of sound, reasoned and logical advice.

But sometimes I think it can all come down to this - some people suck at relationships. All the good advice in the world won't change that fact.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

This subject gets dealt with on this forum with monotonous regularity.

Each time the poster receives a wealth of sound, reasoned and logical advice.

But sometimes I think it can all come down to this - some people suck at relationships. All the good advice in the world won't change that fact.

Nice breasts tendril! Sorry I just had ta.

I agree some folks just are too lazy to work at what they have? You my friend and the mistress both need a little Bobmi357 advice.

 

[dollface007]

Bobmi is right....it is YOU who took the easy way out instead of working it out with your wife. I couldn't help but notice that you have pinned this problem on wife...she doesn't want more sex. You think there's something wrong with HER. I'm really skeptical that this is about the lack of sex in your marriage. Just some thoughts.

 

[Bobmi357]

some people suck at relationships. All the good advice in the world won't change that fact.

I don't think its a relationship issue. 9 times out of 10, for these posters its a communications issue. The people that seem to have nothing but trouble in a relationship seem to also have trouble communicating their needs to their partner.

Relationships would go a lot smoother if people would learn to talk to each other BEFORE walking down that marriage aisle.

 

[Elron]

Well Bombi, I will answer you first. It is not a communication issue I can talk to my wife and do, about everything the only thing I can't talk with her about is this. Which if you ask me is extremely strange. Not that I can't speak with her about my affair but the fact that I now have something to hide from her. I have never had anything to hide, even about sex we talked. Openly and honestly I expressed my opinion and she expressed hers. I have a very open attitude and hers is somewhere around 17th centrury puritan. And for many years I accepted it, however life is to short to not experience it all. I made a conscious choice and I accept that also, right, wrong or otherwise. Also we have never had any trouble in our marraige. Well nothing serious anyway, I mean we are human after all and will not always agree that is just human nature.

I would have to disagree with you all about taking the easy way out though. There is nothing easy about lieing to your best freind.

And yes I have failed, but in failing one person, I made another happy, yet that is still not right.

Bombi you are answers mirror my thoughts, it needs to end, nothing good can come of it. Unfortunately that is the reality of the situation. Nothing good can come of it.

But thank you all for your thoughts, I have had them all myself. I guess the only thing good I have to say about this is that I understand now why poeple do cheat on there spouses. Until a few months ago I was as righteous and pure as anyone in regards to infidelity. It is wrong on so many levels that it really should never have been discovered in the first place by anyone.
Yet here I am stuck in moment I created. I have one chance to make it right and that is what I will do, however unpleasant a task it is, the truth must be told. In the end we all lose one way or another, it's like Jim said "no one here gets out alive"

Oh and Bombi you are right shooting myself is messy and truth be known that is cowardly act. That my freinds is the easy way out, I can't count on two hands all the freinds I have buried because they got confused and thought that was the answer. But that is another story.

Again thank you all for taking the time and listening. That is what this world really needs a few more poeple that will just listen.

Later

 

[Jaybird3]

And again, it occurs to me that the number 1 priority BEFORE the marriage should be that both people are and will remain sexually compatable.

Elron, you have received some very sound advice.

Now for the flip side of the coin. I am female, I am divorced, and I am loving every minute of it. Yes, I deal with married men and you would not believe the number of times a day that I hear your story repeated time and time again.

Face it folks, some people have low sex drives, some folks (like me), have very high sex drives. The two shouldn't mix because eventually it boils over and the resentment sets in because one partner is feeling like their wants or needs are not only not met, but that they don't matter.

And that is my two cents worth.

Disclaimer: This is only my personal opinion and in no way should be taken for professional councilling should you chose to go that route. If you want to talk more, please feel free to pm me.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

People have been going outside marriage for sexual gratification for hundreds of years. Does it make it right? No. Does it prove that marriage vows are very hard to keep? Yes.

It always amazes me how few people on a SEX board have cheated on their spouses. According to what I read here I am the ONLY woman involved in an affair. Since there are many surveys out there claiming over 50% of married people cheat I find this amazing.

But hey - I'm not a hypocrit and I'm not going to lie about it. For me and my married lover (I"m single) it works out great. His wife has refused him sex for about 15 years now. They have a very weird relationship based mostly on money (HIS!) And don't get me wrong - its not like he's a millionaire or anything. He's totally middle class.

I think its very possible to love more than one person at a time. I know my lover still loves his wife - or he would have kicked her out years ago. But he cannot bring himself to do that. Love and relationships come in all sizes, shapes, and colors just like people. I have no advice for you except try to be true to yourself.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

People have been going outside marriage for sexual gratification for hundreds of years. Does it make it right? No. Does it prove that marriage vows are very hard to keep? Yes.

It always amazes me how few people on a SEX board have cheated on their spouses. According to what I read here I am the ONLY woman involved in an affair. Since there are many surveys out there claiming over 50% of married people cheat I find this amazing.

But hey - I'm not a hypocrit and I'm not going to lie about it. For me and my married lover (I"m single) it works out great. His wife has refused him sex for about 15 years now. They have a very weird relationship based mostly on money (HIS!) And don't get me wrong - its not like he's a millionaire or anything. He's totally middle class.

I think its very possible to love more than one person at a time. I know my lover still loves his wife - or he would have kicked her out years ago. But he cannot bring himself to do that. Love and relationships come in all sizes, shapes, and colors just like people. I have no advice for you except try to be true to yourself.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

People have been going outside marriage for sexual gratification for hundreds of years. Does it make it right? No. Does it prove that marriage vows are very hard to keep? Yes.

It always amazes me how few people on a SEX board have cheated on their spouses. According to what I read here I am the ONLY woman involved in an affair. Since there are many surveys out there claiming over 50% of married people cheat I find this amazing.

But hey - I'm not a hypocrit and I'm not going to lie about it. For me and my married lover (I"m single) it works out great. His wife has refused him sex for about 15 years now. They have a very weird relationship based mostly on money (HIS!) And don't get me wrong - its not like he's a millionaire or anything. He's totally middle class.

I think its very possible to love more than one person at a time. I know my lover still loves his wife - or he would have kicked her out years ago. But he cannot bring himself to do that. Love and relationships come in all sizes, shapes, and colors just like people. I have no advice for you except try to be true to yourself.

 

[Bobmi357]

And again, it occurs to me that the number 1 priority BEFORE the marriage should be that both people are and will remain sexually compatable.

While this sounds like a good idea, its just not possible. My wife and I had similar libidos for a number of years, then hers tapered off for no apparent reason. In our case we're working on the problem. We talk, frequently, things aren't as good as they once were, but they are a lot better than they were just a year ago.

You can't predict the future, you can't say that 10 yrs downstream you won't hurt your back on the job and end up discovering that 90% of your favorite positions now cause intense pain. You can't say with any certainty that your wife or husband won't develop an illness which severely dampens their sex drive.

All you can do is try to maintain the communications to such a point that IF something like that happens to your relationship, you will be able to talk to your spouse and come to a mutually satisfactory solution.

 

[Jaybird3]

Bobmi, I tend to disagree with you. I know people that are in those very situations and they have come to solutions that work very well for them. The reason being that because of similar sex drives, they both know how important it is to each of them.

I have also noticed that people that are sexually compatable tend to be more open and honest with each other about sex. If there is a problem they tend to be the first ones to talk with their partners about it.

I also happen to agree with crazybbwgirl that if everyone were honest with other people, you would find that she really isn't off in what she says.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

..................I also happen to agree with crazybbwgirl that if everyone were honest with other people, you would find that she really isn't off in what she says.

oh god - don't agree with me! You'll just get into trouble! lol Well, not so much on the 'How To' board as on the General board. I see you're from Ohio too - interesting.......

 

[Jaybird3]

So should I just use trouble as a middle name? Ohio just seems to be full of us "troublemakers" these days. lol.

What you are actually describing is a polyamorous man. I think that is what Elron is. Hence the problem with what he is doing. His head, ( because of what society tells us is right or wrong), is saying one thing and his heart is saying another.

The truth of the matter, is that he really does love both women, just for different reasons.