I need help sorting things out

[OcchiBlu]

Ok, this is my first post here, and my first post of this kind, and probably the first time in my life I am stating things as they are, but I really need some help, and I thought this would be the right place to find it. It's a really long story, and for this I apologize.

I'll start with simple facts. I am 22, and a girl, but here comes the first problem: I always wanted to be a boy. I used to think that it was because boys could do cooler things and got the cooler toys, but as I grew up things grew worse. I found myself unable to socialize with "girly" girls because we had nothing in common. I started despising my body for being weaker than that of a boy, and so on.

When it came to sexual preferences, though, only men could spark my attention. Not boys, mind you, but grown men. I never tried to pursue a relationship, anyway, because I am generally regarded as not attractive and quite shy. At this stage of my life, I thought of myself as your average straight girl.

Finally at 18 I met this girl and after a few months I realized that I had fallen for her. Coming from a very conservative family and knowing she was in love with another guy, I never told her anything. I merely reclassified myself as a closeted bisexual.
We did, however, engage in an online roleplay, where I played the role of a guy.
Since I had always roleplayed as a male we both thought it was normal; what surprised me, though, was her character admitting to be in love with my own. Roleplay-wise, I acted the gentleman, courted her character and "we" even got married after some time. Then the roleplay naturally ended, but nothing had really changed between the two of us and we are still friends to this day.

When I was 20 I met this boy, a couple of years younger than me, who courted me and became my boyfriend. He is sweet, loving, and treats me like a princess, but I always felt like something was wrong. After some thought, I realized that while I loved the fact that he was my knight in shining armor, I kind of longed to be in his place. I felt like my soul was torn it two: part of it was that of a very submissive girl, who liked being cuddled and protected, and another part was that of a stubborn boy who liked to cuddle and protect.

Thus, I find myself confused and torn. Torn between the two people I seem to be, and confused because, maybe because of the time spent together, my boy-self has learned to tolerate and even appreciate my boyfriend. Still, the boy I always wanted to be gets a bitterer every day. When I look in the mirror, I see the features of an handsome boy trapped in a girly body, and his eyes - my eyes - are so sad I feel like crying. I find myself checking girls out. Or fantasizing about being a submissive gay boy.

What am I? A straight submissive girl? A lesbian girl? A gay submissive boy trapped in a girl's body? A straight boy trapped in a girl's body? I think I'm bisexual, but I really can't find peace as a girl, and I have absolutely no way to live as a boy. What can - and should - I do? Please, help me if you can.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You are, like me, a transgendered, bisexual, switch type of person. You won't believe how many of us there are!

I have never taken steps to change my sex, but I keep on thinking about it. We all of us have unpleasant choices to make in our lives, unfortunately this is one of those.

I've been able to handle my situation with a lot of brain-work-- intellectual curiosity-- a lot of roleplay-- a lot of humor-- a lot of self-romaticism because you've gotta admit it's kinda deep and gothily romantic to be trapped like this...

Now there are two different issues for you, the same as for me. One is your gender-- the sex you feel yourself to be-- and the other is your sexuality-- the sex of the partners you prefer. Some genderqueers are only happy with one or the other sex. Some of us are also bisexual. Some of us are so damn queer we can only be happy with someone who is also genderqueer...

Sexually, I top or bottom depending. I have sex with a few men-- who have to be pretty exceptional and also pretty much have to be queer for me to be comfortable with them-- and I far prefer women.

I've also been hooked into BDSM as long as I can remember. I top and bottom, but I rarely feel any sort of submission any more-- for women only if it happens.

I only tell you this to say that "you are not alone" and that it is survivable

As far as finding support-- There are several genderqueer groups on fetlife.com which is a sort of facebook for pervs... There might be groups in your area as well. Try googling "transgender"or "GLBT" and your zip code, see if anything comes up, if you feel comfortable with face-to-face groups. BDMS groups are (sometimes) more comfortable with queer identities, since so much of BDSM invlves wish fulfillment in the first place.

And stick around!

 

[Safe_Bet]

You are, like me, a transgendered, bisexual, switch type of person. You won't believe how many of us there are!

I have never taken steps to change my sex, but I keep on thinking about it. We all of us have unpleasant choices to make in our lives, unfortunately this is one of those.

I've been able to handle my situation with a lot of brain-work-- intellectual curiosity-- a lot of roleplay-- a lot of humor-- a lot of self-romaticism because you've gotta admit it's kinda deep and gothily romantic to be trapped like this...

Now there are two different issues for you, the same as for me. One is your gender-- the sex you feel yourself to be-- and the other is your sexuality-- the sex of the partners you prefer. Some genderqueers are only happy with one or the other sex. Some of us are also bisexual. Some of us are so damn queer we can only be happy with someone who is also genderqueer...

Sexually, I top or bottom depending. I have sex with a few men-- who have to be pretty exceptional and also pretty much have to be queer for me to be comfortable with them-- and I far prefer women.

I've also been hooked into BDSM as long as I can remember. I top and bottom, but I rarely feel any sort of submission any more-- for women only if it happens.

I only tell you this to say that "you are not alone" and that it is survivable

As far as finding support-- There are several genderqueer groups on fetlife.com which is a sort of facebook for pervs... There might be groups in your area as well. Try googling "transgender"or "GLBT" and your zip code, see if anything comes up, if you feel comfortable with face-to-face groups. BDMS groups are (sometimes) more comfortable with queer identities, since so much of BDSM invlves wish fulfillment in the first place.

And stick around!

Stella might be right, but it also is possible that you are androg or soft butch. You don't have to hate guys to be a dyke and a lot of women "come out" later in life because they let "you NEED to be with a man" pressures make them start out like you have.

Maybe you just need to find yourself a cute femmey little GF to cuddle and protect (hey, it worked for me! )

Oh, and Stella's best suggestion (of many good ones) is to stick around. This place can help you find yourself (and even work on your shyness a bit )

 

[woman_inside]

Just to put this out there, I have no idea if it's at all the case, but could it be that you're a bisexual tomboy and, as you mention you come from a conservative background, could your feelings be more to do with wanting to do boyish things or rejecting a traditional girly role rather than inherently wanting a male body?
You mention fantasising with being a submissive gay boy. Would your bf be open to roleplaying something like this? To roleplay a gay male couple?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Check it out, you've got three different commentors, each assigning you to a different sexual preference and role -- based on what they themselves are. Any of us three could be right, or you could take bits of what each of us have said plus something from somewhere else entirely and weave yourself an identity out of it all...

Welcome to the wild and wacky world of genderqueerness!

 

[OcchiBlu]

First of all, I would like to thank just about everyone here. I never felt so welcomed, and you truly are awesome people!

And speaking of awesome... Yes, my bf was willing to roleplay and it really was great

I just wish stupid homophobic city was, well, not so stupidly homophobic... It would save me a great deal of trouble

 

[achingyearning]

First of all, I would like to thank just about everyone here. I never felt so welcomed, and you truly are awesome people!

And speaking of awesome... Yes, my bf was willing to roleplay and it really was great

I just wish stupid homophobic city was, well, not so stupidly homophobic... It would save me a great deal of trouble

Hi, I read your heartfelt post and it did bring a tear to my eye. I think that you will come out of this period of sadness and confusion into a new light, but of course there is no time table for that. In answer to your question of "What am I?".... there is only one answer, and that is true for everyone....

The answer is that you are a beautiful person who needs to determine what their authentic self is, and then takes strides to live your life as close to that model as possible. If you live in a location where you are uncomfortable, someday you may need to move to a new, safer place.

You may need to experiment, to join support groups, to meet people who have faced and overcome challenges. That's what makes this such an incredible world!

Gender is not just male/female, or opposing points on a line.... it is a continuum and many, many people are somewhere in the middle, either in their emotional approach to things or in their body make-up (chemical or whatever).

I'm sure you'll figure it out but please enjoy this life being exactly who you are... after all, you are the best you that you could ever be

peace
m

 

[Etoile]

Just curious OcchiBlu, where, generally, are you located? You can just name the state or country or something if you don't want to get too specific. I ask because you mention being in a homophobic city.

 

[OcchiBlu]

Just curious OcchiBlu, where, generally, are you located? You can just name the state or country or something if you don't want to get too specific. I ask because you mention being in a homophobic city.

I live in Rome. With the Vatican so near, it is almost impossible to run into someone who doesn't think having a gay child is "a curse upon your family". Things seem to be slowly improving - nerdish and non-religious teenagers are growing up quite tolerant, but everyone else is just hopeless or in denial.


Also, I'm sorry for the absurdly late reply, but I had some lingering problems with my computer. I still couldn't solve most of them