I need feedback please!

OrdinaryAverageGuy

Really Really Experienced
Joined
Oct 28, 2003
Posts
385
I have written a few stories but have not gotten much feedback. Please help me out. I think "Training Day" is my best. Please post feedback or send me an email. Thank you.
 
Training Day

I read this one, from your list, and I can see why you haven't got much feedback or many votes.

There isn't very much to hold the pieces of the story together, and the premise isn't very believable the way it is set up, at least to me.

The scene at the school and in the car doesn't prepare the reader at all for mom waiting at home with a guy for her daughter to fuck. It just doesn't come across as realistic, even as a fantasy.

The dialog doesn't help the cause along very much, either, I am afraid. It doesn't convey much emotion or help us to understand the characters.

There are some punctuation and capitalization and tense-agreement problems that stand out and divert the reader's attention from the story, too.

For your next story, I suggest focusing first on what emotions and dramatic punch you want to convey and work to organize the plot elements and the dialog around that. Bring a character alive with dialog and action and emotion and build around that.

But most of all, keep the fantasy closer to the ground.

I hope this helps.



Sin.
 
You need an editor badly for this story. Mechanics are all off making it hard to read.

Ok if she knows nothing about sex, how could she day dream the first part in such detail. I know you'd like to believe a sexually naive woman would be day dreaming about sucking cock, however I do not think that is what her first naive day dreams would be about. Really even though it might be difficult to do here you need this whole day dream in italics if you are going to use a day dream there.

If she soaked herself so bad on the way home that it soaked the seat, when she came inside to see her Mom would not her jeans or whatever be wet? Really all this soaking and stuff like it is just a lazy way to not have to work to describe something in a better way and with more depth and vivid description.

I stopped reading when her Mom said, "Boyfriend do you want to screw my daughter."

Keep trying. I suggest you really read all the critiques done around here especially in Story Discussion Circle, anything you can find where Rumple goes through story structure is great learning stuff, But really all of it. Then after getting some of that under your belt try to rewrite one of yours, then send it to an editor here. But look close after editor to see what changes they made.


Omni~
 
Back
Top