I need feedback and votes please

[DarcManX]

I submitted a new story for the first time in over a year and I want some feedback. Jade & Jorel PT. 4 can be found in the interracial section. Please read and enjoy.http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=83525

 

[dr_mabeuse]

DarcManX,

There are a few proofreading errors in your story, but the main problem is the same as we see in so many stories here: you tell us what happened, but you don't give us sufficient sensual detail to bring the scenes to life, so the writing seems very dispassionate and dettached.

In other words, it's not enough to tell us that A fucked B while C stuck his cock in her mouth, even if it is a 10-inch or 13-inch cock or whatever. If you want the writing to be hot, yoe have toshow us that happening by use of description and image, mae it so vivid that we're forced to experience it in our imagination.

I'm not big on inter-racial, but if I were I imagine what would turn me on would be the stereotypical differences between the characters due to race. Black guys would be very sexual and funky, white girls would be very proper and uptight, things like that. Otherwise you're not really dealing with people who are different, only people who look different. In your story, the only way we know that the men are black is that you tell us this. You don't show us this. They could just as easily be white or asian or Indian. I don't see any blackness in them, nor any asianness in Jade either.

Other than that I think you could put a little more imagination into the story too. As it is it's very flat. Telling us how long their cocks are just won't do it.

---dr.M.